Finger-Lickin' Tov

Is it just me or does Hanukkah always seem to go by quickly? If I miss even one night of lighting candles, I turn around and we're on night #7. Are we really up to #5 tonight? Here's something exciting: starting tomorrow night, I will be lighting the candles with forty Americans visiting Israel on a Taglit (Birthright) trip. (I recently decided that I prefer to call it by its Hebrew name, Taglit which to me lacks whatever negative connotations and associations that its English name holds. This could be its own blog post but I'll leave it at that. Anybody have any idea what I'm talking about?)

It's true-I recently agreed to staff a trip through Israel Outdoors (land operator Tlalim). They needed a madrich at the last minute, a friend in the States recommended me, I had the flexibility and said "why not?" I haven't climbed Masada or floated in the Dead Sea since (are you ready for this?) the summer of 1995 so the chance to see much of this country with a great tour guide while giving these guys the trip of a lifetime should be amazing. It's a bit weird if not surprising that I'm going with neither Young Judaea nor the Israel Experience (my most recent employer) but that's how it ended up. Life is full of surprises, a wise man once said. (He also said no matter how hungry you are, never order Chinese food at an airport. Actually I think I said that.)

While working at summer camp in the States can be a great way to recharge the ol' battery and both spread and feel the Israel love, it will be interesting to see how it compares to staffing a first-timer Israel trip. Incidentally, the aforementioned '95 program was when I staffed Young Judaea's high-school summer trip. Whereas my campers then were 15 and 16, these guys are 22-26 which means it should be more fun and less hell on earth.

Clearly my posting will be minimal if at all (should I risk bringing my laptop with me? 10 days with no internet?) so everybody try to stay out of trouble when I'm gone, k? Enjoy your final days of Hanukkah. Just try to lay off the fried foods, allright?

It was just yesterday I brought up all the fried foods we eat here aside from just latkes and sufganiyot. Apparently they're loving their oil up in Haifa, as in fried chicken. Israel....fried chicken, who knew? Even if you did know, could you have dreamed that they'd be eating here???

Ok, is it a typo or just copyright infringement?
Gotta be both, right?

Colonel Sanders, meet M'faked Shlomo. Chag sameach, everybody.

Thanks, Ben!

All I Want for X-Mas Is Hulu

Chag sameach, my loyal readers! Did you receive everything you wanted for Hanukkah? Hanukkah Harry didn't come visit me this year, presumably because I live in Israel where we don't give gifts (where every day, people give the gift of joy and kindness. Anybody falling for that? That's one of those jokes that only people who live here are allowed to laugh at. Ok, moving on.... )

To all my Israeli readers out there, Hanukkah Harry was the Jews' answer to Santa Claus on a "Saturday Night Live" sketch or two twenty years ago. Sadly, I won't be embedding any clips because nobody gave me Hulu for Hanukkah this year. Jesus Christ, on behalf of everybody who’s asked me….why can’t we get Hulu in Israel? (And I had read this question two years ago, I would have said, “HUH?????” and stuck my thumb back in the chumus bowl.)

I presume it’s some kind of legal issue….perhaps because the shows air later here or don’t air at all, they can’t be shown over the internet. You think that has anything to do with this being the most downloadingest people ever to walk the earth?

Anyone know what this site is? Yeah, me neither.

Well, you listen and you listen good, Santa: you bring me Hulu for Christmas this year or I’m launching a Hulu-fada*. You heard me, Western world-not a day will pass where my fellow Israelis and I don’t throw remotes and TV Guide cocktails at you. Rockefeller Center, I’m coming after you.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I haven’t had any sufganiyot or latkes except for during a two-hour window Saturday night. I’m such a Grinch, aren’t I?, not partaking in the fried foods fun to celebrate the oil lasting eight days. After all, it’s not like we eat fried foods during the rest of the year. Never have I seen our people eating cheeps, falafel, shnitzel, halumi cheese, Israeli tempura sushi rolls, or anything else with oil like salad, chumus, techina, what have you. So eat up, people! Deep fry your Snickers bar American-style because it’s Hanukkah! (Perhaps this is why we have universal health care in Israel.)

*Just because I’m in a jokey mood doesn’t mean I won’t be launching my Hulu-fada. Hulu Akbar!!!

Thanks, #1.

ש's? ש's? We Don't Need No Stinkin' ש's!

A Friday pre-Shabbat post??? Crazy! I know, I know, just waiting for the dude to get hot. (Ok, to prevent any rumors from flying around, what is the appropriate English spelling for the hot water heater? Dude? Dood? Dooooooooooooooooooood.*)

We're just hours away from Chanukah/Hanukkah/Chanukka/Chumusface and I have yet to partake in a single sufgania. Seems the big topic of conversation centers around how

1) Roladin sufganiyot are *&*%ing good.
2) Sufganiyot are *&^%ing fattening.

I'm allowing myself somewhere between one and three, and that's it. Or did you forget? WE'RE MAKING CHANGES!

So this is an image which appeared in my inbox yesterday. All I have to say is that I saw the big, fat "sham" and thought, "Thank G-d I'm in Israel."

When Israelis say "nes gadol haya po", they're talking about a large cup of instant.

And even though I'm probably the last Jew on the planet who hasn't forwarded this around, here is the Nefesh B'Nefesh CChannnnnukuh greeting. If I had an ars for every person who argued about whether or not this is actually a "flash mob", I'd be Bat Yam. Either way, it's clearly one of the biggest Jewish videos ever with about half a million views already. And if you look closely (or at all), you might even see Some Dumb Oleh dancing in the middle.

From downtown Jerusalem, have a חג חנוכה שמח!

*Dude, where's my dood? A post when I was young and foolish.

All I Want to Do is Eat Latkes, Is That So Wrong?

Rewind 30 minutes, I'm at Mr. Ripoff underneath the Mashbir with my new roommate Steve. Mr. Zol, Mr. Yakar, whatever it's called. We're doing some shopping for a little candle-lighting party in light of the upcoming holiday. That's right, people....IT'S FESTIVUS!

If you still haven't caught on to "Curb Your Enthusiasm" by the way, it's not too late. There's still plenty of room on the bandwagon.

Ok, where's the sour cream for latkes? More importantly, how do you say "sour cream"? I'm pretty sure it's שמנת (shamenet) but isn't that "cream cheese"?

"Slicha, yesh lachem.....lo yodaya ech omrim....(in Hebrew)....in America, we eat it with latkes, it's white...." Lord Almighty, how in the hell do you describe sour cream??? Blank stares. There was a better chance of him suddenly performing the Three Amigos' "My Little Buttercup" song and dance than knowing what I was talking about.

Next woman. Same thing. "In America, we eat...."
"I'm not from there."

If it makes the shamenet feel better, I had trouble finding large amounts of black pepper as well, bigger than the small containers in the spice rack section.

Me to a Russian woman (in Hebrew, as always): "Do you know where is pilpel* (pepper)?"
Woman: "What is pilpel?"
Me: "Jesus Christ....it's like salt but black."
Woman: "Black salt???"
Me (pretending I'm on the "$25,000 Pyramid"): "Salt aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand.....?"

No clue.

Looks like it's apple sauce and no pepper in 5770!

So what's the difference between shamenet cream cheese and shamenet sour cream? Same word?

"Arsim.....freichot....
that 'Around the World, Around the World' song..."

What the hell kind of English is "Do you know where is pilpel?" I think I'm turning Israeli.

Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Wearing Crappy Jeans

Hello, my loyal readers, enjoying this cooler Israeli weather? Ain't no doubt about it, winter is on its way in the Holy City. I've been feeling a draft myself although that could just be my unzipped pants. As you may have seen on my Facebook status a few weeks back, I wowed the crowd in Dallas with either my arsim jokes or my Wonder Twins underoos (not sure which). Thanks to the fashion wizards at Golf, I have not one but two pairs of jeans which like to come unzipped whenever they feel like it. That's always good for the old ego, getting laughs with my pants down.

Since I have the daytime flexibility, I figured the time had come to get them fixed. Getting your zipper fixed on 2/3rds of your pants wardrobe is not really the kind of errand you want to put off for too long.

First date:
"I had a lovely time tonight."
"What the...??? ZIP UP YOUR PANTS, YOU SICKO! I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL!"
"****ing Golf."

Don't go anywhere, the fun's just getting started.

Yeah. So I thought I might address that issue.

First stop: tailor at King George and Hillel Street. Here's a basic summary of our conversation.

Me: "So the zipper on these jeans is terrible. How much to fix it?"
Customer Non-Service: "95 shekels each."
Me: "Wow! That's a lot. Why so much?"
CNS: "That's the price!"
Me: "So why did this happen?"
CNS: "It happens!"
Me: "So how do explain my never having this problem in 30-however many years of wearing jeans?"
CNS: "Do you ever get a cold?"
Me: "Yeah, so?"
CNS: "Same thing."

Ech omrim "was that a dream?"

Next place a few stores away.

Me: "My zipper doesn't work, how much to fix it?"
Guy: "45 shekels each."
Me: "WOW! The guy down the road wanted to charge me double."
Guy: "He takes 100 shekels for everything."
Me: "So why did this happen?"
Guy: (something about washing them.....something which apparently means rusty....)
Me: "Ok, so can I prevent this from happening again? I don't want to fix it if I'm going to be back here in six months paying again."

We go back and forth until the woman on the side overhears and says "Ma...ma...ma?"

Me: "I'm trying to understand why suddenly I'm having zipper problems after this never happened even once."
Woman: "IT HAPPENS!"

Two weeks from now, in a courtroom....

Defense attorney: "Ehhh...Meester Lovitt, can you try to explain to me how these two stores just suddenly went up in flames?"

Me: "IT HAPPENS!"

Mom, I know what I want for Hanukkah after all. American jeans. Sorry, Golf. You've exposed me for the last time.

"Freichot and gentlemen of the jury, please hear me out..."

Mmmm, I Just Love Me a Good Israeli Wedding!

Did you smell anything last Thursday night, my loyal readers? Love was in the air! Either that or some bad shakshuka. My roommate got married and I was of course in attendance. If you've never been to an Israeli wedding before, stop what you're doing and read the Idiot's Guide to Israeli Weddings. Or if not, could I at least interest you in this????

Raise your hand if you just got Rickrolled. Or as we say in Hebrew, m'rukral. Rick Astley in hufal.

Rukralti, rukralta, rukralt....c'mon, you do the plural.

So I'm at the wedding, attempting to find the drop-box for the money envelope. What's the etiquette for the envelope, by the way? It's not like I ever bring a Hallmark card with me. (Can you even imagine an Israeli Hallmark card?

Cover: "You've been going through some hard times recently."
Inside: "Ayn ma la'asot." (What can you do?)

I spent a couple of minutes looking for the box before finding it inconspicuously located near the front door. At least I'm pretty sure it was the box. It's not like it ever has a label or neon lights flashing from it. I swear, one of these days I'm going to unknowingly put the money into a trash can or something.

• Immediately after the chupah, they put on some kind of familiar music. After a minute, I identify it as "Down Under" by Aussie band Men at Work. Except instead of the lyrics, it's something in Hebrew with "kallah", "chatan", and other Jewy words. In disbelief, I found an Australian acquaintance to confirm. But wait, there's more...
  
  
  "I come from a land down.....ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
  
  
• True or false: during the dancing, the DJ plays "The Final Countdown" set to klezmer. If you get this wrong, then I guess you're not Israeli.
• I sit down and introduce myself to the guy next to me. After about three tries, I finally figure out his name. It's "Sergio" and, little do I know, he's from Mexico. Except with his accent and authentic pronunciation, it comes out as SerCHio. I'm like "Sercher? Sercho??? Mah???" Leading to the eventual "OOOOOOOOOOOH, SERGIOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (See "OHHHHHH, LUNCH BOX!", "OHHHHHHHHHH, HAMBURGER!", and more.) If somebody with a non-Anglo/non-Israeli accent's going to introduce themselves with a non-Anglo/non-Israeli name, we really need a heads up.
• Someone at my table is an optometrist. Except that it's a woman so she's actually an optometreest-eet. ("I'll take "optometreest-eet for $200." Milah o lo milah?) So why isn't a female ophthalmologist called an optolmologeest-eet? Oh. Because it's rofa aynayim. Am I the only one who has to stop and think about which is the doctor and which is the glasses person? Because optometrist sure is a medical-sounding name. Psychologist. Psychiatrist. Optometrist. Shouldn't they just be "glasses technicians"? How did they get such a big wordy name? From now on, I'm a bloggist.
  

Oh, Israeli weddings. How I love you.

American Football in Israel: Coming to a Stadium Not Really Near You

Have you tried explaining American football to a non-American recently? Or ever? Good luck.

Sitting on a couch next to an Argentinian olah and some other Americans, watching a game.

Argentinian: "Why do you watch this game?"
American: "It's great, that's a real sport."
Argentinian: "That's alimut" (violence).

Good point.

No, really, it's a fun sport for the kids. Seriously.
Ok, someone call the cops already...

Ten minutes later, American says, "Can you believe there are some places in the world where people are not even living in modernity?"

Argentinian: "Like Mea Shearim?"

Ok, that was funny.

From the archives....watching football with my South African roommate...

The other night, I'm chilling in my living room watching American football with one of my new roommates who comes from South Africa. I already wrote about how Israelis don't know the rules of this sport, nor should they ("Mah zeh 'first and ten'? " is without a doubt one of the funniest things ever said in the history of the world.) After I tell her about downs, ten yards, and whatnot, the play ends and everybody mills around, walking back to the huddles in what looks like a mess to a casual observer. What does my roommate ask? "So during this little hafsaka (break), they just do whatever they want?" Without a doubt, the word hafsaka made that question 100 times funnier.

American football, everybody! World, would you like some? Didn't think so.

And lastly, I have a show Saturday night: Comedy Basement, Ben Yehuda and King George, downstairs from the Mashbir, 9 PM, call 050.875.5688 for more info.

American football league in Israel. This probably warrants its own post.

Buckle Your Seat Belts, People, We're Making Changes

Hello, my loyal readers, how are you? I'm good. Been back two weeks now, exploring life options. You know, important things. Like falafel vs. shawarma. Truth be told, those are two things I haven't had since returning especially since coming to terms with the fact that after 35 years, I seem to no longer be able to eat whatever I want with no repercussions. Sad but true...and confirmed during a recent Skype conversation with my grandmother.

Grandma: "I can't see the rest of your body but your face looks rounder."

(Despite repeated questioning, I can't get any of my friends to confirm any changes but it takes a few minutes on a bad internet video chat for my 87 year-old grandmother to get honest. See, this is why old people are useful.)

Thank you, Big Apple Pizza and Melech Falafel, show us what they've won! If I hadn't noticed it before, I did upon returning from the United States of Friedfoods-ica. Seems that I've put on some weight recently which is surprising considering I ate Subway 5 times in 7 days. What the hell, Jared?! I want my money back. Unless it is in fact due to all the late night trysts at Big Apple.

"With just three Subway sandwiches a day, you can lose hundreds of pounds. And if you believe that, I have a lovely summer home in Holon I'd love to sell you..."

Anyway, looks like it may be time to make some changes, people. BIG CHANGES!

Late-night falafel-OUT! Late-night Big Apple pizza-OUT! Eating chumus straight out of the container....nu, be'emet. Yesh gvul, people. There's a limit.

CHANGES!

Just yesterday, I even did a bit of gym shopping for the first time in my life. Granted, I shopped around while sitting on my couch which seems a bit ironic. (Thanks to my favorite ladies at The Big Felafel for their online input.) Considering going to check out the gym Jump in Binyanei Hauma for its not horrible location and not terrible prices. (Ech omrim "ringing endorsement"?) So what's the deal? They have a separate area for charedi women or something? How much will someone pay me to do pilates wearing a sheitel?

My friend just taught me that pilates was named after Joseph Pilates. That was the dude's name??? I thought the word was Italian or something. Sounds good as an exercise. Good thing his name wasn't Joseph Schmuckface.

CHANGES!

The same friend is becoming a holistic health counselor. We met the other day to talk about my diet. Apparently I could eat better. Or different. Or without forty-five servings of fajitas, egg and cheese sandwiches, and Subway tuna when I go the States. Hey, kids-did you hear that humans are the only animals to drink milk after infancy and it might not be the best thing for us? B'kitzur, I'm laying off dairy this week to see what happens. Other things I'm laying off may or may not include arsim, Gaza City after dark, and shoving a shipud up my nose just to see what happens.

CHANGES!

Roommate's getting married tomorrow, new guy's moving in, we're getting rid of cable.

A few days ago, we call the cable company to get them to come pick up the cable box. Really, I love paying 100 shekels for something I don't use. (Maybe a gym membership won't be such a good idea... By the way, anybody want to take some 200 shekel bills off my hands? This is what I learned last week. People love giving them to you....but nobody'll take them. "Yesh lecha kesef katan?" Dude, you're a cab driver. Things you might need on the job: Small bills. Change. Small bills and change.)

So while the cable guy's on his way over, he calls and asks if I can come down because parking downtown is hell. Only problem is that I'm not able to find all the equipment we owe him (b'kitzur, my roomies lived there first, not sure what they've stashed where). After looking around with no luck, I tell the guy "I know parking is bad but I don't know what to tell you, I can't find the modem."

His answer?

"Dohnt woh-ry! I will come ahp, I dohnt wahnt to make you sah-fer!"

Only in Israel is the cable guy Polish.* Love it.

Moral of the story? All together now....here it comes....everybody loves a HOT guy.

You know it's true. Buy one and tell the world.

Confused? In Israel, Polish equals Jewish. Learned that my first month here.

Is Comedy for Koby Getting You Hungry?

If it's December, Avi Liberman is back in Israel, here to make us laugh for a good cause. He's bringing three more friends, with proceeds from ticket sales supporting the Koby Mandell Foundation and families of victims of terror.

The lineup:

• Mark Schiff: HBO, Showtime, Letterman, Leno, and frequent opener for some guy whose name rhymes with Feinfeld
• Steve White: "Coming to America", the Oprah Winfrey Show, Comedy Central, Def Comedy Jam, and more
• Butch Bradley: Craig Ferguson Show, Comedy Central, USO tour for the troops overseas, and more

And of course Avi, seen on Craig Ferguson, Comedy Central, and much more.

-Wed, Dec 2: Modiin
-Thurs, Dec 3: Beit Shemesh
-Sat, Dec 5: Tel Aviv
-Sun, Dec 6: Jerusalem
-Tues, Dec 8: Raanana
-Wed, Dec 9: Haifa
-Dec 10-15, SIX SOLD OUT SHOWS IN YERUCHAM! Just kidding. Although I think the Jonas Brothers are in town on the 14th.

If these guys ever come to Israel, guess whose blog will appear on the front page of Google for "Jonas Brothers Israel"? How jealous are you right now?

Order tickets here, email tickets@djwconsult.com, or call 052-798-5200.

And if all that laughing works you up an appetite, never fear. Israel has an endless number of delicious culinary options available, especially for delivery. Anyone who's worked in an office has received faxed lunch menus before. Well, maybe not like this one.

Who needs Subway when you're a Golden Track Customer at Abouelafia!
Move over, Jared, there's a new sheikh in town.

Thanks Lila!

Do the Gilad Shalit Protests Help or Harm?

Two days ago, I wrote about my experiences in the Gilad Shalit tent. After I volunteered the first time, I found myself in a conversation with a friend who felt that these types of big, visible protests were harmful to the cause because it shows the enemy dissent on our side and only drives up the price (and that our government is doing absolutely everything it can so why criticize it?) I maintained that while this could be the case, I have a hard time blaming ourselves, that this is a sign of a democracy which so strongly values life. The same issue came up with Goldwasser and Regev last year....even if we made a mistake by releasing that sleazeball Samir Kuntar, it's a bit unfair to be too hard on ourselves for being such a feeling, emotional nation.

His position is below....I don't think there are rights and wrongs. There are no good options but at least we live in a country with many of them. Thoughts?

So many people have the most intense opinions about the Gilad Shalit issue. I call it that because I think that for some it is more of an issue than a person. I've been exposed to a point of view which most of the general public has not from my experiences and I think it's worth sharing.

I'm a Zionist but I see people protesting the Israeli government to "release Gilad Shalit" and it bothers me to a certain extent... because WE are not holding him! I think that people are frustrated, as I am, that he has not been released, but I can assure you that it is not for lack of will or desire on the part of the government. Please allow me to explain.

Whomever is Prime Minister (or anyone who takes part in the deal) when Gilad Shalit is freed will be getting political capital of a tremendous power. It is political gold. And any politician would be willing to sell his own mother to get him back. These past 3 sentences are practically exact quotes from a former member of Parliament! He explained that it is not a matter of Israel not willing to do enough...it is that Hamas simply does not want to release him! He is worth so much more to them in captivity. And I hope that no intelligent person actually believes that they care about the Hamas people in Israeli prisons. Seriously! They send these guys on SUICIDE missions, does anyone think their lives are valued more than the huge political and psychological victory which holding an Israeli soldier represents?

I know that it is hard to do this but I'm going to say it anyway.... Trust that the Israeli government (under ANY Prime Minister) is doing all in its power to effect Gilad's release. That he has not been released yet is because Hamas does not want to release him.

Anyone can find a million things wrong with any government. Protest these things. Budget. Corruption. Policy. The peace-process. Whatever. But believe that the IDF wants Gilad back, and there are people working day and night for this purpose... and it's not for show. It's not as if the government needs to be convinced of something.

I'm against these 'protests'... I am NOT against keeping Gilad's name in the public consciousness. It is important. But it should be as positive and supportive as possible. The government is in an impossibly difficult position and these protests DO NOT ADVANCE ANY CAUSE. They will not bring Gilad back sooner, and they may in fact hurt this goal.

Imagine that you were going to buy a home, and went to negotiate with the seller... and outside the room where you were negotiating, your entire family, spouse, in-laws, etc. were holding up signs saying "PAY WHATEVER IT TAKES! YOU MUST HAVE THIS HOUSE!!!".... What incentive would the seller have to not constantly raise the price. And in this case, Gilad is the only 'house' on the market. It's not like we can go to someone else and bargain for his release on better terms. Hamas thinks that our democracy is a weakness, and they mock it with their 'negotiations' and 'counter-offers'. We need to turn the tables on them and behave a bit more modestly and quietly. We need to take this PR weapon AWAY from them, instead of strengthening their apparent position.

A parallel example. Israel has for YEARS tried to get Eli Cohen's bones back from Syria. We've offered LIVE terrorists, money, food, and all kinds of incentives... but they refuse. Think about it! Syria would rather keep the 40 year-old remains of an Israeli spy than get back LIVE spies of their own, plus tons of other goodies. It's a matter of pride, and it is a set of values which is in absolute contradiction to our own. This is why the protests which people think are helpful, can actually be hurtful.

None of us are privy to the secret intelligence information which the Prime Minister, IDF Chief of Staff, and intelligence agencies have... and we need to trust their professional judgment as to what is in the best interest of the country as a whole. Tomorrow these same people could decide that Israel will be involved in a war which will result in the death and injury of thousands of people... certainly we should therefore allow them to do their job with regards to this one brave individual named Gilad.

This is a special country. And though you may agree or disagree with any number of things that a person might do (like the PM, or any other person)... remember that the system is bigger than any one person. They are very much limited by circumstances. They don't have the power we sometimes envision. No one person can just snap his (or her) fingers and make the stars align in such a manner that Gilad will be freed. Believe me... they have tried. :-)

I will go to reserve duty proud to be a soldier in the IDF... the most moral, ethical, professional, and fantastic Army in existence.

I will have my doubts about the government, or some individual commanders...

But I will go with trust in my country and my people....

I will go with faith in our mission, which ultimately is the defense of the State of Israel and the Jewish people. The path to that mission is strewn with distractions and other smaller 'missions'.

I will not lose sight of the real mission. The long-term mission.

And if something should happen to me... please don't blame anyone. Just wait, and trust in the same thing that I trusted in when I put on this uniform.