Oh Hell, How Can I Not Blog from Ben-Gurion?

Did you see this post? Go read it.

Free wireless, baby! There's a reason this went in my 61 things list this year. How can America charge 8 bajillion dollars for wireless? I hate that. And seriously, Tom Friedman mentioned this once, and it's true. It's a travesty that they charge you for luggage carts in the US, especially when you've just arrived from an international flight. "Welcome to our country! Now fork over 3 dollars, *&$holes."

(On an aside, I've never gotten the hieroglyphics or even bleeping of words on TV. Is there anyone who can't identify the word above? What exactly does this accomplish? If you're confused about the above paragraph, I was calling airport employees pinholes. "Mantis-flicking pinholes!!!")

So I just got a bagel and eggs breakfast at McDonald's. Even though I was the only one in line, it took at least five minutes to bring my food. I don't know what to think: am I annoyed because it's not nearly as fast as in America or am I excited because there's a decent chance that they actually just cooked the food? The eggs were all broken apart on the bagel, as opposed to the American fast food omelette which only has straight lines. When my eggs have a shape, I'm pretty sure they're not healthy (or real).

See that yellow stuff? Yeah, that.
Eat it. I dare you.

While waiting for my real eggs, I took the liberty of doing what any Western immigrant would do: reading the menu to laugh at the spelling. Here's the difference between new and veteran immigrants. New immigrants laugh at simple typos. "Oh look, they spelled 'burger' with an O. Tee hee!" Veteran immigrants, man, we're sophisticated. I'm tickled pink by this description: "Enlarging Fries or Potato Wedges in a Meal to Large". That's right. This is the first restaurant in history to have a gerund on their menu. Weird word choice perhaps but not shameful. Here's shameful: why in G-d's name would you be selling "McNaggets" while two columns over, YOU ARE SELLING "McNuggets"? WHY???? Dudes! You got it right! Just cheat off yourself!

Veteran immigrants also feel good for understanding why the typos are what they are. Because in this case, the nun has the ah vowel sound under it like in the word "Mom" as opposed to the vowel sound in the word "Dad". So maybe it's more easily explainable....but that doesn't make it ok.

I have another hour till I board...maybe I'll go back and read more. I have yet to find a menu with three different spellings of the same word. If I ever do, I will take a picture, post it, and shut down this blog forever because it will never get any better than that.

Last thing because there's never a dull moment from Ben-Gurion: are you guys "teesah n'eemah" people (nice flight) or "nesiya tovah" people (good trip)? I feel like you're either one or the other. I'm totally a nesiya tovah guy but I wonder if I should experiment a bit.

WILD TIMES AT BEN-GURION!!!!!

Ahhh....Jewish Summer Camp! (Last Post for Now?)

Well, it's 2:39 AM and the taxi comes to pick me up in one hour and six minutes. Where did the time go?

Unless I do one of my traditional pre-flight live blogs (thank you, free wireless at BG!), this is it for now. Since I didn't really write AT ALL two summers ago, can't foresee what will happen this summer. Should I just close up shop with a "we're on vacation" sign? Maybe a weekly classic from yesteryear?

I'll leave you with this golden nugget. This is really priceless, unearthed in mid-2007.

This is one for the ages. Did I convince you about the merits of camp? Jewish identity... friendships for a lifetime...yada yada yada. Lucky for me. My mother just unearthed this letter I wrote home circa '84-'85 from Camp Young Judaea in Texas where, ahem...apparently things got off to a rocky start. Next time any of you youth workers are dealing with an unhappy kid, just show them this letter and tell them the happy ending. I hope you laugh as hard as my friends did.

You can stop laughing now. No, really, you can.

Why the Middle East is So Dangerous

Ok, people, it's time for the truth. Israel is a dangerous place. Just look at my sink.

19 hours till my flight....


Back to packing....

"I'll Take 'Things Not To Do With Your Penis' for 600, Alex"

Ever get so mad you chopped off your penis? I KNOW, ALL THE TIME, right? *Barur! !ברור

Check out this dude...

A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.

Better his own than someone else's, yes?

"After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ," said a police official.

Call me crazy, but after two years of unsuccessful petitioning, I think I'd try a third before going Lorena Bobbitt on my own mezuzah. At least he heated it though. G-d forbid he declare jihad on his infidel with a cold knife.

The man was rushed to the hospital but doctors were unable to reattach the severed member, the official added citing the police report filed after the incident.

"Member"? People really say that? Check out definition #5 on dictionary.com. How does that word mean both "someone who belongs to something".....and "penis"? Bizarre. And how does this thing unfold anyway? (The situation, not the penis.) Does the dude regret the cutting, grab his own penis, and call 911? Do they even have 911 in Egypt? Does his roommate grab it and rush him to the hospital? And if someone's saved your unattached penis, what would you owe him in return? This goes well beyond helping a friend move heavy furniture.

So many questions...

I was going to insert a photo of a penismobile but this is a family blog.
Instead...Dora!

Those crazy Middle Easterners. What won't they do next? Thanks for the link, Mort!

*Duh!

61 Hebrew Things (Blogging: It's Not Just for English Speakers Anymore)

I know Yom Haatzmaut was last month but better late than never. Thanks to an Israeli friend of mine who not only spent 8 years in the US but also has a good sense of humor, here's this list translated into Hebrew.

Formatting with the numbers and Hebrew is impossible. If any 15 year-old wants to fix this for me, I'll buy you a year's supply of chumus. I just made one edit and the whole thing screwed up...

בהשראת הכתבה של שנה שעברה "60 דברים שאני אוהב בישראל", הנה עוד 61 דברים שאני אוהב בישראל:

1.אני אוהב את זה שלמרות שלא דיברתי עם מישהו מאז הקדנציה של בן-גוריון, הוא יתקשר אליי כדי לבדוק איפה אני עושה את הסדר.
2.אני אוהב את זה שאפשר להתיישב בבית קפה ולתת לכלב להסתובב חופשי, ואף אחד לא יניד עפעף.
3.אני אוהב את הנורמה החברתית שמאפשרת לנו לעשות 'דאבל-דיפ' בשקט, בלי החשש הניורוטי שנחטוף את קדחת הנילוס. קחו את האל-סבון המחטא שלכם ודחפו אותו לאן שאתם רוצים.
4.אני אוהב את זה שאפשר לקחת הומלס בלי כישורים בכלל, לשים אותו מאחורי דלפק של ארומה, והם מיד יהיו מסוגלים לצייר לב קטן בקפה הפוך שלך.
5.מרפסות. הן מגניבות.
6.אני אוהב את זה שאני ביקרתי בארמון של דרקולה בטרנסילבניה, נתקלתי בישראלית, ותוך שתי דקות גילינו שיש לנו מכר משותף. זה היה יכול להיות מגניב יותר רק אם היא באמת הייתה ערפד.
7.אני אוהב את הצופים. נשבע לכם, המקגייברים הקטנים האלה יכולים לקחת חיטה, מסקינג טייפ, כדור פלאפל אחד ולבנות איתם כור גרעיני.
8.אני אוהב את משפט הקסם "יהיה בסדר", האקונומיקה של השפה העברית. הכל קטן עליו. פנצ'ר? מבחן שנכשלת בו? קח שני "יהיה בסדר" ותתקשר אליי מחר בבוקר.
9.אני אוהב את השלווה ביום שבת בירושלים. כל כך שקטה ומרגיעה. אני יכול לשבת על התחת כל היום ולא להרגיש אשם.
10.אני אוהב איך שדווקא לחומוסיות שנראות הכי פחות מקצועיות וקטנות יש את החומוס הכי טעים. תוך 7.2 שניות מההזמנה, הם אספו, מרחו, ,פיזרו מעל ויצרו את מה שאני אוהב לכנות "שלמות אלוהית"

.יש יותר טוב מזה? אל דאגה, אני כבר יודע את התשובה

11. אני אוהב את הפלייליסט הלא-צפוי-לחלוטין של גלגל"ץ. "ככה, גלגל"צ, אני רוצה שתשמיעו את 'ירושלים של זהב' ואחרי זה את
"Smells Like Teen Spirit".
מה זאת אומרת 'כבר השמעתם אותם'?
12.אני אוהב שאיך שיורד גשם, אנשים חוגגים כאילו הרגע זכינו באיזו מדליית זהב בכדורסל.
13.אני אוהב שכשאנחנו זוכים במדליית זהב, לא אכפת לנו מי זכה ובאיזה ענף, העיקר שזה מדליית זהב לישראל.
14.אני אוהב שהביטחון באל על כל כך יעיל. חזרו אחריי: "אם אל-על לא עושים את זה, אף אחד לא אמור לעשות את זה." מצטער, דלתא אירליינס, אבל אני לא מוריד את המכנסיים.”
15.אני אוהב שבארה"ב, מישהי בשם אסתי גינזבורג היא סבתא בת 80 מדרום פלורידה, וכאן היא דוגמנית כוסית בספורטס אילוסטרייטד, שגם מדליקה נרות חנוכה.
16.אני אוהב את החסידי שהפגין נגד מכירת חמץ ע"י לבישת גרב במקום אסטרטגי. מסתבר שהרד הוט צ'ילי פפרס מאוד פופולרים במאה שערים. (ולא, אתם לא מקבלים תמונה)
17.אני אוהב את מספר האנשים שפוקדים את רשתות חברתיות כמו טוויטר ופייסבוק כדי להגן על ישראל כשתוקפים אותה בתקשורת הבינלאומית.
18.אני אוהב את זה שמשחק הילדים הידוע
"Simon Says"
לא נקרא בארץ "שמעון אומר" כמו שאמריקאים חושבים, אלא "הרצל אמר".
19.אני אוהב את תל אביב ביום שישי ואת האנרגיה המדהימה ברחובות, בבתי קפה, אה כן, ובים.
20.אני אוהב לבלות בחוף בוגרשוב בתל אביב, ואז לראות כמה שעות לאחר מכן את אותו החוף בסרט 'אל תתעסק עם הזוהן'.
21.אני לא ממש אוהב כשהחברים שלי מארה"ב באים לבקר וכל כך מתרגשים להיות בישראל שהם מאבדים שליטה על הצרכים שלהם, אבל אני יכול בסוד לחייך ולחשוב לעצמי "כן כן, אני גר כאן".
22.אני אוהב את ארוחת הערב בראש השנה עם החברים שלי והמשפחות שלהם, כשהם מאכילים אותי מספיק כדי להשביע צבא קטן.
23.אני אוהב כשאני, היהודי הלא-אתלטי מצפון אמריקה פוגש את הגבר הישראלי המאסיבי כורת העצים. הזרועות שלו היו כל כך גדולות, הוא צריך לשלם עליהן ארנונה.

24.אני אוהב לשתות תה רק עם נענע. שקית תה? מי צריך אותה בכלל?
25.אני אוהב את זה שמדריכי טיולים ישראליים יודעים הכל על כל מ"ר של המדינה. אם דוד המלך השתין על סלע, אתה יכול להיות רגוע שהמדריך שלך למד על זה.
26.אני אוהב את הייחודיות בחיפוש עבודה בישראל. אפילו אם לא תקבל את המשרה שלה התמודדת, יש סיכוי של 57% שיציעו לך לצאת עם הבת של המנכ"ל.
27.אני אוהב שיש אינטרנט אלחוטי בכל מקום, ובמיוחד בנתב"ג. תאכלו את הלב, סטארבקס.
28. אני אוהב את זה ששמים את הפרצוף של שמעון פרס על שמלת כלה.

.כאן אין לי אפילו בדיחה

29.אני אוהב את זה שחבר שלי שמע את הנהג אוטובוס מספר סיפורי תלמוד עם מש"לים ומקביל אותם לאקטואליה. רק בישראל.
30.אני אוהב איך שמצילים בים נהפכים לאמהות יהודיות פולניות כשהם נכנסים ללחץ וצועקים: "בבקשה בבקשה בבקשה, תחזור יותר קרוב לחוף!"
31.אני אוהב את זה שהנהג מונית שהסיע אותי הציע לי אפרסק, ולקחתי אותו. זה יקרה באמריקה כשכדורי פלאפל ילמדו לעוף.
32.אני אוהב את הישראלים שכל כך גאים במדינה שלהם שהם שואלים תיירים
: "You like Israel? Why you not live here???"
כשיש ציונות, מי צריך מילות קישור ודקדוק?
33.אני אוהב את זה שהמדינה שלנו פחות או יותר בגודל של מקום חניה, ולמרות זאת היא אחת מהיצואניות הכי גדולות של טכנולוגיה בעולם. אם אתם באמת רוצים, עולם יקר, תחרימו אותנו. רק תחזירו את כל הפלאפונים, תודה. (ואני רוצה אייפון אם כבר אנחנו מדברים)
34.אני אוהב את זה שלחברת הכבלים יש שם באנגלית, מה שיוצר את המשפט המגושם באנגלית:
"I'm waiting for the HOT guy to come"
י35. אני אוהב סחלב בחורף.
36.אני אוהב איך שבעלי הבאסטות בשוק מוכרים את הסחורה שלהם כאילו חייהם תלויים בזה וכאילו הם שתו ארבע כוסות קפה. "עגבניוווווות! שתי שקל!!!!!!!" הם יודעים שמה שהם מוכרים זה עגבניות? אין ספק.
37.אני אוהב שילד בן שנתיים יכול להרטיב את המיטה ובפסח עדיין לשיר "עבדים היינו". כבוד, חינוך יהודי!

38.אני אוהב את בני ה18 האמיצים שמשרתים כדי לשמור על המדינה. אני צריך לספר לכם מה אני עשיתי כשהייתי בגיל הזה? בואו רק נגיד שהיו מעורבים בזה מכונת צילום וכל מיני איברים שלי.
39.אני אוהב את זה שהשייקים של פירות כאן מכילים את הפירות הכי מוזרים בעולם. "ס'תכל.... היי, אפשר שייק עם פרי הדר של כוכב המדבר של אברהם, אבל זה בלי הגרעינים שגדל רק במערב הנגב? ... יש לכם?!"
40.אני אוהב איך ששמות הרחובות הם לא 'מיין, אלם, ומרטין לוט'ר קינג', אלא 'הילל, שמאי, והרצל'. (נראה לכם שלהרצל היה מושג ש100 שנים אחרי מותו, תל אביבים ימכרו רהיטים ברחוב שלו? היי, בן יהודה, תודה על החייאת השפה העברית. כהוקרת תודה, החלטנו לבנות מדרחוב בירושלים שורץ תיכוניסטים שקונים גרגיר אורז עם השם שלהם.)
41.אני אוהב איך שעברית שפה כל כך הגיונית. חנות עם כל מה שאתה צריך? 'כל-בו'. דבר טעים עם קרם בפנים? 'קרמ-בו'. אנחנו עוד צריכים עוד מילים כאלה. בת ים? ה'ערס-בו'! (סתם, אתם יודעים שאני אוהב אתכם, בת ים).
42.אני אוהב איך שישראלים יכולים לשתות קפה גם אם בחוץ 80,000 מעלות. "מה, אנחנו במרחק 5 דקות מהשמש? בססססדר! תביאי הפוך גדול!"
43.אני אוהב מילים כמו "תתחדש" שלא קיימות, או לא הגיוני שיתקיימו באנגלית.
"Wow, cool shirt! Enjoy using your new thing!"
לא הגיוני בעליל.
44.אני אוהב את הבן-דוד הרחוק של הבאסטיונר בשוק, הבחור שעומד מחוץ לתחנת רכבת מרכז בתל אביב ומוכר בייגלה. מסתבר שמשלמים לו כדי להגיד בייגלה 568 פעמים בדקה בלי לנשום. "בייגלה בייגלה בייגלה!!!"
45.אני אוהב לצחוק כשישראלי מסתובב לחבר שלו ושואל אותו 'מה אתה דפוק?' התשובה לשאלה הזאת תמיד, בכל מקרה, 'כן'. לא משנה מה הוא עושה, זה בטוח היה דפוק.
46.אני אוהב את זה שאגאדיר לא רק מאפשרים לך להזמין המבורגר עם כמעט הכול עליו, אלא גם מוציאים לוח שנה שמנפנף במלצריות שלהם.

טוב, בעצם זה קצת מוזר...

47. אני אוהב זה שהרגע ראיתי מישהו צועק על הכלב שלו "שב", וכמובן שהוא ישב. הוא כלב והוא יודע עברית. אני לא יודע מה יותר מגניב אותי, זה, או ילד בן שנתיים ששר שירים של פסח.
48.אני אוהב שאפשר לשלם על הכול בתשלומים. יום יבוא ואני הולך לנסות את הקטע הזה עם נהג אוטובוס, רק כדי לראות את התגובה שלו.
49.אני אוהב את זה שבהופעת מחווה בירושלים ל'גנז אנד רוזס', לא רק שהסולן דיבר עם הקהל בעברית, כשהוא שר הוא נשמע בדיוק כמו אקסל רוז. "אוווו אוווו, סוויט צ'יילד אוב מיין! ברוכים הבאים!"
50.אני אוהב את זה שהשנה ישראל זכתה לקבל את ה'אפל סטור' הראשון שלה. יה בייבי.
51.אני אוהב שלאנשים אין התנגדות להסיע אותך לשדה התעופה אפילו אם השעה שלוש לפנות בוקר והאישה שלהם בצירים.
52.אני אוהב את התמיכה שעולים ותיקים ומנוסים מעניקים לעולים פוטנציאלים; באופן שבו הם עונים על שאלות ואי מיילים אפילו אם הם אף פעם לא נפגשו.
53.אני אוהב לחזור לארץ ולעמוד בתור של "בעלי דרכונים ישראליים". (בהקשר הזה, אני גם מפיק הנאה אסורה כשאני רואה את כל התיירים עומדים בתור הארוך של "דרכונים זרים", בזמן שאני מקפץ לי הלאה. זה אומר שאני בן אדם רע?)
54.אני אוהב איך שבראש השנה, התצוגה של הרדיו באוטו מאחל לי "שנה טובה". לא משנה מאיזה כוכב אתה, זה מגניב.
55.אני אוהב את רכסי ההרים היפים בחיפה שללא ספק הם אשמים בבלבול שחשתי כשנכנסתי למעלית בקומת קרקע. "מה זאת אומרת אנחנו בקומה התשיעית?"
56.אני אוהב לראות את ה'סופר בול' עם החבר'ה עד 5 לפנות בוקר. כשאתה משקיע כזה מאמץ כדי לראות את זה, זה יותר מספק.
57.אני אוהב את השמיעה העל-אנושית של הישראלים שמאפשרת להם לשמוע את ה'טו טו טוווו' של החדשות ברדיו אפילו אם מישהו משתמש בפטיש אוויר מטר לידם.
58.אני אוהב איך שגוגל מפנה אותי לגרסה הישראלית של האתר. בפעם הראשונה שזה קרה, בדקתי מאחוריי וחשבתי: "וואו!!! איך הם יודעים???""
59.אני אוהב את הרגשות העזים שמכים בי בזמן הצפירה ביום הזיכרון. מעניין אם יש עוד מישהו שהצפירה הפתיעה אותו בפעם הראשונה שהוא שמע אותה. אני ברצינות חשבתי שחייזרים באים כדי לאכול את המוח שלי.
60.אני אוהב את יום העצמאות שמסתבר שבעברית משמעות הביטוי הוא "לך לגן ציבורי ותאכל פרה".
61.אני אוהב שקיבלתי את ההזדמנות הזאת של פעם בחיים ושהיא עדיין לא נגמרה

What War Zone News: Fair, Balanced, With Three Chumus References Per Hour

Boker tov, all-did you have a good long weekend? Not Memorial Day....Shavuot and Shabbat. We don't get many of those in Israel so we have to enjoy them. I heard someone say yesterday, "Oof, no holidays for a long time." What, Tisha B'av doesn't count? Here's everything you need to know about Shavuot from one of my Tweets: "In Israel, Yom Haatzmaut is to meat as Shavuot is to dairy. At the end of both, I want to vomit and sleep." More cheesecake anyone?

So apparently I failed to mention that I'm flying to the States in four days to work at summer camp. Between Facebook, Twitter, email, blogs, and more, who can stay on top of everything? B'kitzur (in short), I'm spending six weeks at _____________* as I did as a kid and most recently two years ago, working as one of two rashei machaneh (did you like that smichut? BAM! Or how about this? "Rosh machaneh"s.) I'll be helping run the camp and not sleeping much.

Anyone know how many times I found time to post two years ago? Twice. Hmmm.... Looks like it's Twitter or nothing. We'll see what happens. Thus, the effort to write a few things before I go.

Here are a few unrelated newsy items which have come across my desk in the past few weeks. Thanks to Joel at Religion and State in Israel, Tony, and Mort for your appreciation of ridiculousness. Here we go....

• From Laila Lavan. People in their underwear. If I said this was from Jerusalem, would anyone believe me even for a second? Half a second?
  
• JTA says that for one day, you can visit the Tel Aviv beach in Central Park. You better not even think about going until you read this.
• Heard about this? Dinner in the Sky has come to Israel. Let's just get everyone's question out there. How the hell do you go to the bathroom? (And is the shekel-taking attendant also strapped in?) And does someone forget, step away for a cigarette, and plunge 10,000 feet?
  
• A Tiberias rabbi wants sexed-up mannequins out of stores. Sorry, guys, I might have to go with the rabbi on this one. Jesus, have you SEEN our mannequins? They're dressed like they just got back from a night in Tel Aviv. I don't want to get too descriptive but sometimes they do look a bit aroused. (Anyone ever do a double-take at a mannequin? Probably a sign that....well, I don't know what it's a sign of but it can't be anything good.)

Sorry, no mannequin pictures. However, we do have a family-friendly picture of "Bob Sfog". Like many immigrants, he apparently put off his first dentist visit.

• This isn't from the news but it's still worthy of attention. Looking for an Israel program where you can help the environment? Check out Eco-Israel, a 5 month professional apprenticeship in permaculture and sustainable living. This is a MASA program (which means that scholarships are available) located on the Adam and Eve eco-farm between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv (and a couple of my friends just happen to work there. And does permaculture involve getting perms? Anyone know how to say "perm" in Hebrew? I think it's "fen." Please don't ask me why I know this.)
• Haaretz reports that the quality of Israeli sperm is down 40% in the past decade. Insert your own joke here. (If my Google ranking for "Israeli sperm" shoots up to the first page, is this a good thing or bad thing? Please discuss.)
• Remember my "61 things" list which made it into Jpost? Apparently this happened for a few minutes. Check out my picture below accompanied by the headline....
  

"Guest blog: American appeasement and the Iranian bomb."
Yes, it's official-the future of Israel rests in my hands. Be very afraid.

• One more thing-did you hear the news? Jameel of The Muqata and I are related. No joke. We discovered it having lunch a few weeks ago. That's never happened to me before.

Time to pack and clean my apartment. Enjoy.

*After a few hours, I went back and deleted the name of the camp. It's 2009; camp has an "internet social networking and blogging policy" and I didn't get their permission to use their name. I'm such a good rule-following American.

I Just Read the Entire Torah. NOW What To Do?

It's 4:51 in the freaking morning. CHAG SHAVUOT SAMEACH! I wonder if my 2:15 AM coffee has anything to do with my being awake? It's not like I can't sleep, I'm actually getting a ton of stuff done. At 4:51 in the freaking morning, you don't worry about style and flow. Get ready, people, we're going straight to bullet points.

• Here is the definitive comparative statement you can make about the relationship between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv: Last night, Tel Aviv stayed up all night partying. Tonight, Jerusalem stays up all night learning. What else you wanna know?
• More about TA: last night was Laila Lavan ("White Night"), an all-night party in honor of Tel Aviv being recognized by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site. I probably arrived at Rothschild Boulevard around 9 and the place was PACKED for hours. That had to have been the most crowded I've seen any place in this country for such an extended period of time.

Not only is this the number of years since the founding of Tel Aviv, it's also the number of teenagers per square foot who were out last night.

There were tons of exhibits and people in character like this American immigrant couple from the 1950s. They made me stand sideways on a wall to take their picture. (B'ima sheli, why will iPhoto not SAVE a rotated picture? Am I dreaming? Is it not working because it's chag? Where are my Mac users??? And since when did Americans dress like this in the 50s? That dude looks nothing like Marty McFly.)

• It was unclear what many of these characters were doing. There was a lot of effort put into the exhibits, for example, one guy suspended up in the air on some kind of chair, doing I really don't remember what, with let's say 100 people standing around watching without any kind of explanation of what we were looking at. Even as I was having a great time, I couldn't help think about how a little more effort would be put in in America to make clear what the hell we were looking at (I feel like this happens sometimes.) C'mon, Israel, just go a little further. If you're going to invest so much time, space, and money on something, I just think you should spend 1% extra to make the other 100% actually worth it.

After a late night, what's better than breakfast at Benedict's? Here's a clue: two words....sounds like "shafuch gadol"? Piece of unsolicited advice-I don't care how badly you want it, just don't order any food even slightly Mexican in Israel. I know, we all crave it sometimes. Just trust me. (Not great excuse for huevos rancheros not in picture. What is with these superlong captions? Something about 5:21 AM maybe...)

• Now going back in time....Beta Pizza rocks. It reminds me of eating late-night pizza on 6th Street in college. I have no idea....is this place even open before 2 AM? Because I never seem to eat it any earlier than that. Remember my first year here when I ate more falael and shawarma than pizza? Me too.
• This morning at Benedict's: first of all, they had something which included "egg balls." That resulted in at least 7 jokes. My friend Amalia also noted the Morroccan shakshuka which contained bacon and shrimp, causing "1000 Morroccan grandmothers to roll in their graves."
  
• Back to back 5 AM nights....that's like Michael Jordan going for 50 in consecutive games. He did do this, didn't he? I really hope I don't pull this at camp. If so, it probably means some kid lit a bunk on fire.
• Aaaaaaaaaaaand....it's Shavuot. As I've written in the past, in a study which I won't bother linking to, a high incidence of lactose intolerance was discovered among North American Jews, similar to findings in Jewish communities in Israel. Remind me not to get into a car with anyone until this holiday is over. I should have bought stock in Lactaid. After returning from dinner at a friend's in Rosh Ha'ayin (outside TA), I slept for the 45 minute sheirut ride back to Jerusalem before saying "ahh, screw it" and dragging my tired butt to my friend Yehoshua's for the Shavuot experience. Learning late-night Torah, I mean, not eating a cheesecake. I managed to stay for about an hour before having enough. He did a good job of dropping some Jewish knowledge on me but as always, 30 seconds into any kind of text study, my eyes start rolling in the back of my head as I go through one of fifty bajillion thoughts completely unrelated to the text at hand.

"And the Rambam said................."
(hey, I wonder who's winning the game tonight?)

• As for tomorrow, looks like we have a lunch on tap, followed by a very important nap. Man, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem sure are different. That's kind of like saying "man, Hezbollah and Tweety Bird sure are different." But when you have two days like these back to back, you feel it even more. I've been telling people (since I'm asked 45,000 times a day) that Jerusalem ain't bad and that I am in fact enjoying my experience here. But again, when it comes to the all-important "fun" category, there is NO comparison. Much like there's no comparison in the "religion and spirituality" department. Unless Benedict's Morroccan shakshuka brings you closer to G-d.
• And wasn't there some kind of Laila Lavan in Jerusalem a week or two ago? I had completely forgotten. But aside from Macy Gray and whoever else was in concert...seriously, was there anything??? My friend Ziv joked that in Laila Lavan in Jerusalem, people actually stay up till 10 PM. Good one. Heh heh. Sorry, Jerusalem.

I fly to the States in less than one week which is both soon and crazy. For that, you get a 5 AM post. I guess I'll go to bed now. I sure hope my trisim are closed.

Kick Off June With Some Laughs!

It's that time of year again. Avi Liberman is bringing his hilarious friends to Israel to make us laugh and to raise money for the Koby Mandell Foundation. The names have gotten bigger over the years and this summer is no different. This time it's Jeff Ross, known by many for his Friars' Club roasts televised on Comedy Central along with appearances on countless TV and talk shows. Trust me....he is must-see.

Also appearing are A.J. Jamal from "In Living Color", Jay Leno, etc; and David Crowe, winner of both Seattle and San Fran comedy competitions, once opened for Bill Clinton.

Avi, are you on a ranch or something?

And of course Avi, my long-time friend from Texas and Young Judaea, with multiple appearances on Craig Ferguson, Comedy Central, etc.

Shows in: Raanana (June 3rd), Beit Shemesh (June 4th), Jerusalem (June 7th), Modiin (June 9th), Tel Aviv (June 10th), Efrat (June 11th)

Proceeds from ticket sales go to support the Koby Mandell Foundation working on behalf of families of victims of terror. Ticket prices go up after May 28th so order now! Buy tickets here or email tickets@djwconsult.com or call 052-522-5645.

Don't miss it! They only come twice a year; you will not regret it. As for me, I'm flying on the 4th so I'll be in Raanana on the 3rd. Hope to see some of you there!

Move Over, Arkadi Gaydamak

Boker tov, my loyal readers. It's Wednesday in Israel or as I call it....Wednesday. Woke up around 6:15 this morning for no good reason. Possibly because my trisim were open one billionth of an inch. How do you say trisim in English? Scrolling vertical blinds? When they're closed, they can block out the sun completely, turning your room into a dark cave. If you're not careful however, the slightest crack will give the impresssion that you are in fact five meters from the sun. So I'm up, lying in bed, and wearing Dr. Fisher SPF 35,000.

The inside of my bedroom after not closing my trisim.
I really need some new sleepwear.

I may be tired but I'm not down about it. I feel an extra spring in my step because I'm going to be rich, people. Not because Bank Leumi made me a millionaire; I have a new get-rick quick scheme. Well, it's not actually anything but quick. Remember the scheme in "Office Space" to slowly get rich by making a fraction of a penny every time the computer rounded off? Yesterday I purchased something for 41 shekels. Well, I was supposed to purchase it for 41 shekels but only had 40 on me. No worries; the guy took my money and let me go. Would that ever happen in America? And forget the "give a penny, take a penny" phenomenon, somebody's still paying in that case. Here rather, it's "ahhhhh, b'seder, it's just a shekel." Much like the dogs in cafes from my "61 list", this is another laid-back reason I like this place. Although as someone from capitalist America, it's still bizarre.

Either way, it doesn't change the fact that from now on, I'm showing up to every store exactly one shekel short. And I could certainly use the extra money. Especially because I just bought Dr. Fisher sunblock.

And NOW I'm going to go wake up.

"Haveil Charles Havelim, Please Report to the Front Desk"

Hello, people-did you have a nice Shabbat? We're hosting Haveil Havalim this week, the weekly "blog carnival" of the Jewish/Israeli blogosphere, created by Soccer Dad and currently maintained by our friend Jack.

I just Googled "Haveil Havalim" for fun to see what might come up. I made the first page; that's exciting. Nothing else noteworthy. What were you expecting, revealing photos of Bibi Netanyahu? By the way, have we talked about Israeli Google? I love how when you type in google.com, it automatically redirects to google.co.il. The first time that I happened, I quickly whipped my head around, thinking, "HOW DO THEY KNOW?!?!"

And of course if you mistype something in, Google knows exactly what to do. I recently did a search for "Dead Sea Scrills." What does American Google ask? "Did you mean....Dead Sea Scrolls?"

Israeli Google? "Nu, be'emet....why you look for that??? Eets in MUSEUM!!!"

Would it kill them to replace the "Google Search" button with "YA'ALA!!!"
(And by the way, if you want to know what appears when you Google "revealing pictures of Bibi Netanyahu", you're on your own. This is a familiy blog.)

A few more notes from the last 12 hours before we jump right in...

• Just when I thought summer had finally arrived in Jerusalem, Old Man Winter decided to show up last night to rear his head one more time. I didn't check the news reports but from the feel of it last night, the temperature downtown was approximately 35,000 below. Someone should make an Israeli horror flick about being out on the town without an extra layer. It will be called "Jerusalem Summer Nights." No gory violence, just an oleh walking around Ben-Yehudah in a short-sleeved t-shirt.
• And speaking of Old Man Winter, here's a piece of advice for prospective olim that you won't find on the Nefesh B'Nefesh website. Drop the middle name on the flight over. Seriously. It's just confusing. I just went to the doctor and when they called me into his office, the nurse yelled, "Binyamin Natan?" Happens all the time. So good luck to you, Old Winter. In an unrelated story, somebody was selling fresh sandwiches and coffee in the waiting room. Not sure what to say about that.
• From the doctor, it was off to the dentist's office. In an effort to deal with delays, they directed me to the kid's room (I'm assuming, unless it's customary for Israeli dental offices to have the Bamba character on the wall). There were also a bunch of dalmations, a la the Disney movie. I asked the dentist how to say "dalmation" in Hebrew. To my surprise, it wasn't "dalmatzia." Anyone know? It's dalmati. Darn. I can usually guess those. And that concluded another episode of everybody's favorite game show "Milah o lo milah?"
  
  After examining my teeth, she told me that I was the lucky winner of a brand new cavity. Instead of filling it immediately however, she told me to come back in six months and we'd see if it had gotten any worse. It sounded fine to me until I realized...."Wait a second....I know what's happening here....DID SHE JUST 'YIYEH B'SEDER' MY CAVITY????"
  

"Your teeth are falling out?
YIYEH B'SEDEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ok, let's get to the blogs.

Anti-Semitism
Nothing this week? "They like us! They really like us!"

Culture
Jacob Richman from Good News from Israel uploaded a new video about clothing and accessories.

Cosmic X in Jerusalem gives us some poetry.

Still haven't seen the "American Idol" finale? Then avoid the Ben-Yehudah's post on Esser Agaroth where he talks about the two finalists and where they go from here.

History
Batya of Shiloh Musings came across King Saul recently and shares her thoughts.

Humor
Mike in Midwood tells us about a new game some of you might enjoy.

Toby of A Time of the Signs posts loads of links which might just make you laugh.

The Real Shliach keeps up with the Omer and looks at Moses.

SnoopytheGoon of Simply Jews laughs at an interesting headline about Bibi's visit to Washington.

Phyllis of Ima on (and off) the Bima tells us why spin instructors are like rabbis.

Check out one of the most ridiculous street signs I've seen. Well, besides this ridiculous sign I saw a couple of days later.

Israel
Ruti Mizrachi of Ki Yachol Nuchal! digs out her essay from her Nefesh B'Nefesh application.

Joel Katz of Religion and State in Israel updates us a couple of news briefings from the week.

NMF #7 of the Israel Chronicles likes to read and tries to navigate the world of books here in Israel.

Rahel of Elms in the Yard has a musical experience that could only happen in Israel.

Cosmic X in Jerusalem shows a picture of a flower with an interesting name in Hebrew.

Mrs. S of Our Shiputzim presents her parental guide for the Bagruyot.

Mordechai Torczyner of The Rebbetzin's Husband posts Rav Kook's letter to Chaim Nachman Bialik.

LB of Occidental Israel talks about Israelis living in NY and examines a recent study about this population.

Rickis Mom of Beneath the Wings takes a look at some special "friends" who do a special kind of army service.

Batya of Shiloh Musings puts Yom Yerushalayim in perspective looking back over 42 years.

Israel21c's blog Israelity takes a look at a few different aspects of Israeli society: Here's an update about Israel's natural beauty, otherwise known as Bar Refaeli. Heard of the Tav Chevrati? It's a social justice certification that shows there's more importance to just what goes in your food. And finally, there's now reason to think more foreign film producers might come to Israel to film. What a country!

Did you do anything for Yom Yerushalayim? Good News from Israel has pictures from the march.

After the terrorist attempt in Riverdale, Ben-Yehudah of Esser Agaroth sees the writing on the wall.

SnoopytheGoon of Simply Jews examines Roger Cohen's recent columns on Israel.

LB of Occidental Israel looks at Israel's sovereignty and its relationship with America.

Eli of Mypanim's Wedding gives his thoughts on the Bibi-Obama meeting in DC.

Did you know that the US and Israel are waging a Satanic war? That's the news out of Iran, according to Yitzchak Goodman of Judeopundit.

Jewish Music
Jacob Richman of Good News from Israel previews new postage stamps honoring Israeli music artists.

Judaism
Shvach weighs in on Hamas and Palestinian refugees going to the US and talks about the passing of his father.

State of Exile talks about a Canadian holiday and how it relates to Jewish leadership.

Just how much does a yeshiva cost? You may soon be able to find out with Conversations in Klal.

Mottel from Letters of Thought finishes his final post in the Lubavitcher Pesach in Uman series.

Personal
Amy Meltzer of Homeshuling-A Jewish Parenting Blog examines a prayer for her children to be said on Rosh Chodesh Sivan.

Mordechai Torczyner of The Rebbetzin's Husband talks about the difficulties of hosting a funeral in shul.

Shtetl Fabulous finds it not so easy to be unemployed.

The Real Shliach of Basement Blogging continues his story...

Torah
Josh Waxman of Parsha Blog analyzes the dots over "Aharon" in the parsha Bemidbar Sinai.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of Haveil Havalim using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: haveil havalim, blog carnival.

The next issue will be hosted by Dov Bear.