It's Benji Lovitt's Funny Israeli T-Shirts! Take That, Dorky Ben-Yehuda Stores!

Big announcement below....let's get thru the GA wrap-up first....

Holy cow, I just left the GA. Can't describe it any better than I did last year. If you're a professional Jew, the power shmoozing doesn't get any better in the world. If I were an Israeli and walked into this big American party, I'd be looking around, rubbing my eyes, and saying, "Whaaaaat....the.....heeeeeeeeeeell......IS....this????" Only in Hebrew and with an "ehh" or two thrown in.

If you followed the #ga09 hashtag on Twitter, you may have kept up with some of the fun. I only regret not starting an #onlyatthega hashtag a few days ago. You know, for things like:

Where men stare at womens' nametags: Only at the GA
Where 5 Israeli men in suits walk into McDonalds: Only at the GA
Where a 10 minute conversation is quality time: Only at the GA
Where ALF, Dora the Explorer, and Alan Dershowitz grind on the dance floor: Only at the GA

Ok, I made the last one up.

It's the GA, people.
Even aliens wear jackets.

You get the picture. Aside from all the fun, I made a ton of great contacts and am excited to get home and start emailing. You know, after I drink cafe hafuch and put on some new clothes. I got to do 10 minutes or so of stand-up before the aliyah panel, sponsored by the Jewish Agency, which was fun. Too bad Natan Sharansky walked in only after I finished. He must have been at the bar working on his two-drink minimum.

Before everyone puts their nametags into storage for the next 12 months, I better get my most recent big announcement online. For 2+ years, I have walked past t-shirt shop after kiosk in Jerusalem and marveled at the completely lame, unoriginal, pathetic, low-brow, and stupid tourist t-shirts. You know the ones....the shirts which haven't changed in twenty years and probably longer than that.

Hilarious! And after these messages, Milton Berle!

"IDF: My Job is So Secret, I Don't Even Know What I'm Doing!"
"Don't Worry, America, Israel is Behind You"
"Super-Jew"
And of course, rock bands which reached their peak twenty years ago.

Enough already. People are ready for a new line of t-shirts. Can you see where this is going?

Welcome to the brand-new What War Zone??? Israeli t-shirt gallery! With t-shirts appropriate for 2009 and beyond. So far, we have around 10 different options, highlighted by the....here it comes, I'm so excited....."Yiyeh B'seder" theme!

Seriously guys, yiyeh b'seder.

Right now, they're being manufactured on demand only on the Printfection online store as I didn't have thousands of dollars and hours sitting around to get a t-shirt business up and running. When I get home, I'll be getting them up on an Israeli-hosted site as well for local pricing and shipping, and would like nothing more than to start printing them myself at some point. Lower prices for my loyal readers, bigger markups for me, more laughs for the general public. It's a win-win-WIN!

Aww yeah....you know you did.

So head on over to www.benjilovitt.com/shirts or shirts.whatwarzone.com to browse around smile. Be sure of course to read the descriptions. Your feedback is absolutely wanted and welcomed. Like everything in Israel, it will take some time to work out the kinks but, remember...we're only 61. We're getting there, baby!

Huge thanks to my friend and designer, Hillary Menkowitz, who drew these up faster than you can say "flying falafel balls." Another thanks to WWZ reader Jason Leibowitz of Bikkuim who helped me set up the URLs. And to anyone who gave me great feedback.

And before 800 people chastise me for not ticking to my guns by spelling it "chumus" on this shirt, I know, I know....it was a battle of ideology vs. marketing. The dollar won the battle...we will win the war. It's chumus, dammit!

You're the hummus-wrestling champion.
SHOUT IT OUT!

So buy a shirt, spread the word, Tweet, reTweet, Facebook, blog, Jdate, Friendster, Saw You at Sinai, two-cans-and-string telephone, and definitely Google Wave it.

Oh, and one more thing...it's not too early to pre-order your tickets to the biggest Jew party this side of Kiryat Gat.

GA2010: See You in Beersheva!

This Makes the Inane Security Checkpoints Much More Tolerable

Greetings from the free wifi of the Indianapolis airport! Holy crap, I don't believe it either. On the heels of the free wifi in the Charlotte airport yesterday, big things are happening in the United States of America. BIG THINGS! Looks like it's not just Ben-Gurion anymore....

Unfortunately my USB cable is packed so no picture of me in Purdue Hillel but my first student show was a blast. College kids are funny. Nothing better than filling up the Hillel sign-in list with names like "David loves (word for male genital)", "Jason loves (word for male genital)", "Rob loves (I think you get the picture.)" Either Jewish boys in West Lafayette love male genitals or they were in the mood to laugh last night.

You either get it or you don't....

My friend Phil, director of the Hillel, made an Israel-themed dinner for the students. Out of curiosity, I made sure to taste one falafel ball. I have to say, when I imagine living in the States, someday, I have horrible visions of showing up to some small-town (or even big-city) JCC, eating a disgusting falafel/hummus (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose, what they serve isn't chumus), and witnessing Israeli dancing to "Hava Nagila". You know, because that's what we shake our rumpuses to in Tel Aviv. (Is that the correct plural of "rumpus"? Is it "rumpi"?)

Of course, the falalel ball wasn't so good with no connection to Phil's culinary abilities. Good thing I had a 12 inch tuna sub from Subway. Ahhhh, heaven.

Ok, off to DC. Will I see any of you tomorrow night?

Updated Tour Schedule (Subtitle: Insomnia and Other Things That Suck)

Phone woke me up at 4:30 AM, thanks to US Airways sending me a flight update. Can't sleep. This might be a good time to post the updated schedule to my little tour. NOTE: the Maryland show has been moved from the 11th to the 8th.

November 2, Memphis
November 3, Purdue Hillel
November 5, DC, Midtown in Dupont (Birthright Next)
November 6, Rutgers Hillel
November 7, Congregation Beth El in Bethesda
November 8, Maryland Hillel
November 9, GA (that's not Georgia)
November 10, Boston, Northeastern University
November 11, Penn Hillel
November 12, University of Florida Hillel
November 15th, Dallas, Israel Bonds

For more information, contact....well, them. If you're reading this blog, you probably know what to do.

We now return to lying in bed being awake. Since this has happened 3 straight nights, maybe this is my body's way of telling me that I need chumus.

Heartbreak Kotel, Dome of the Jailhouse Rock, and Other Failed Israeli Elvis Songs

Greetings from Memphis, Tennessee. Or as they might say here, "Shalom ya'll." (misspelling intended...drives me crazy).

Been here about 30 hours and leaving in 9. I didn't get to go to Beale Street but I did eat some BBQ and go to Graceland this morning. Hey, have you heard about this Elvis Presley fella? Apparently he was quite popular. Before I get a few hours of sleep, here are a few quick pics....

Here's a picture from Corky's BBQ which cannot be described without someone telling you that the owner is Jewish. I assume that his name isn't Corky nor is he a pig. I love how there's no business venture that a Jew isn't involved in somewhere, regardless of whether it's a Jewish project or not. Doesn't work the other way. Nobody gets involved in our stuff. You'd never overhear this in Katz's Deli:

"Mmm, this whitefish is fanTAStic! Is the manager here?"
"One second....MOHAMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!"



The onion loaf, awesome blossom, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I call it "cardiac arrest on a plate." While I didn't see Elvis's face in my plate, I did see a metric ton of grease.



My Israeli friends tell me Americans apologize too much. "Sorry....excuse me....sorry...." After seeing this message on the door at Graceland, they may be right. They're apologizing for our pictures not coming out nicely??? Oh, come ON...


Show #1 went fine...I expect them only to improve. Another update later with more shows and one date change.

I Love Airport Blog Entries

Written some number of hours ago...on little sleep, no energy to proofread although I think I did it on the plane.

Shalom, my loyal readers, from 10,000 meters up in the air. I think that’s around 30,000 feet but because I’m American, I refuse to learn the metric system. Get with the program, world-a system of measurement based on the power of 10? Pshaw, I say!

I can’t sleep. At the GA last year, I picked up a free inflatable neck pillow courtesy of one of the sponsors’ booths. Am I an idiot or can I not figure out how this thing works? Wait, those were the same options….I messed that up. I blew it up, put it “on”, and my body’s posture was no different. My head still makes contact with the seat, thus providing with me no more comfort. Is it because I have a long neck? I feel discriminated against. Is this what it’s like to be left-handed in a school desk? Get me the ACLU. Or the BBB. One of those letter things.

A bit after finishing my last post, the Nesher picked me up. “Nesher” by the way is Aramaic for “taxi which picks you up a full calendar year before your flight.” The train from Tel Aviv is nice, I miss that. Maybe that’s why they put wireless in Ben-Gurion, to keep the early arrivers from complaining too much.

Flying home for Thanksgiving? Run outside, IT'S WAITING FOR YOU!

Israeli citizens, does security not even ask you questions anymore when you check in for a flight? A year or two ago, I loved going through the interrogation in Hebrew and feeling good about my language proficiency. The last couple of times? Right on thru. “That’s it? Nothing? Don’t you want to know where my parakeet had his bris?” C’mon, you guys, ask me something! Please?

Upon checking in, I ask if there are any first class seats that they’re just dying to give me. I have a ton of Delta miles….nothing? Of course I’m not willing to USE these miles, I’m just hoping some nice cajoling might make a difference (ech omrim “nice cajoling”?) Of course I don’t really expect them to say yes, at least not before I deploy my secret weapon. You better believe it: I called him “achi” 485 times. Americans, the moment you call someone “achi”, you immediately become brothers. Same DNA and everything. Strange-it didn’t work this time. The guy must have other siblings as well.

My friend Moty came to the airport to give me something to take to the States. During the handoff, I did the obligatory “security! I don’t know who this guy is!” joke. One of these days, they’re actually going to hear me. The first time someone gave me a package to take to the States back in ’95, I was afraid to say “yes” when security asked me the questions which of course only made me nervous. I definitely should have gotten thrown in jail for something. On the way out, Moty wished me teesa n’ima. I bring up the whole teesa n’ima/nesiya tova thing. You’re one or the other. Can’t be both.

While Moty was getting his shake from Juiceland (by the way, about five years ago, I was like “what’s Gooseland???”), I headed to the Middle Eastern place all the way down on the left next to the post office. (Is there a better term than “Middle Eastern place”? The whole country’s a Middle Eastern place. You know, falafel, shawarma, Kassams, etc.) “Falafel b’pita.” “We’re out of pita.” Would that ever happen at Subway ever ever EVER ever? “Lemme get a 6 inch tuna.” “We’re out of bread.” “I’m outta here.”

I don't know how to tell you this but we're out of pizza.
Can I offer you some cheesy bread?

I forgot my adaptor. Which only means I can’t keep my laptop charged at the airport. Yiyeh b’seder. If that’s all I forgot, I’ll be just fine. I did bring socks, right? Actually, it’s such not a big deal, I didn’t even need to waste a yiyeh b’seder on that. That was like playing spades when the high card is a seven of hearts and you blow it out of the water with the ace of spades. Totally unnecessary.

Throughout the entire flying experience, they mostly speak to me in Hebrew. This has happened in general for the last couple of years. I usually attribute it to the way I carry myself and my Hebrew but is it possible it’s due to my shaved head? How can we test this? Let’s get Janet Jackson over here and shave her head, see what happens.

I’m in zone 4. Seriously, I could buy a ticket today to fly on May 14, 2048 and I’d still be in zone 6. What the hell are the zones correlated to? Has anyone ever been in zone 1? Does anybody even know anyone who’s ever been in zone 1? Would this person be willing to conduct an interview?

I love blogging from Ben-Gurion. Never gets old.

The What War Zone Comedy Tour 2.0! (How Much Mexican Food Can an Oleh Eat in Two Weeks?)

11/3/09 Updated schedule here

Get ready, America: for two and a half weeks, one man will try to survive without his tri-daily chumus feedings (although he may shove a few servings of fajitas down his throat). On the heels of February's tour, I'm coming back to the States tonight for a couple of weeks to either spread the good word about living in Israel or make people so terrified of hairy, screaming shuk vendors that they'll never come. Unclear which it is.

I look forward to meeting with young people and clearing up a lot of misconceptions about what it means to make aliyah. In case any of them saw this ad.

"Learn to speak Hebrew in just one week."
Seriously, Ulpan Or?
Why don't you go to hell in one week?

You see, my loyal readers, apparently Diaspora Jewry and Israel just aren't on the same page these days. Israel doesn't get them, the Diaspora is falling out of love with us, what's a Jewish population to do?

They're to call Benji Lovitt, that's what. To bridge the differences between the two peoples in a way that they're simply unable to do themselves. You see, Diaspora Jews, Israelis are the warmest, most wonderful people in the world. But they don't sugarcoat, they don't act fake, they simply tell it like they see it. Take this example from an online Israeli dating site. "Body type": Hmm...which one to choose? Let's see, don't see it yet, keep going to the bottom...OH!

שמן. Fat. If they're going to ask you to enter self-esteem,
they should really do it before this question.

And Israelis, Americans are good people too. They're hard-working and friendly people. And after all that hard work, they like to spend their hard-earned money enjoying life. Especially on fried things.

I spent three minutes staring at this ad. The last few years have introduced us to iPhones, Twitter, and Google Wave. What could possibly be new about the Bacon Deluxe?

Should be a good time. Here's what I know:

November 2, Memphis
YAD 2010 Kickoff Event, details to come here
It's going to be so awesome, you'll need two months to recover before 2010 begins.

November 3, Purdue University
7:00 PM, Hillel

November 5, DC
6:30 PM, Birthright Next "Reverse Mifgash" (Part of week-long mifgash between Birthright alums and real live Israelis. By the way, did I ever tell you my rap name? Reverse Crembo. I'm white on the inside, black on the outside.)
Midtown (Dupont), 1219 Connecticut Ave NW
Register here

November 7, Bethesda
Congregation Beth El, opening for Avi Liberman

November 9, DC
Two letters: GA. Which explains this recent Tweet. If I can write a blog post half this fun, we'll all be winners. Thanks to the Jewish Agency for making this and the 11th happen.

Smile, Bibi! We'll do chumus shots at the NextGen dinner.
Just don't arrest me this time.

November 10, Boston
7:30 PM, Students For Israel at Northeastern University
Contact nusfin@gmail.com

November 11, College Park
University of Maryland Hillel
I am SO excited, Terps! Maryland is my favorite school!

November 12, Gainesville
University of Florida
I am SO excited, Gators! Florida is my favorite school!

November 15th, Dallas
Israel Bonds
I am SO excited, Dallas! Bonds is my favorite security!

If there's info missing, just contact the local organization as they're sure to know more than me. I hope to meet lots of you guys and if you know anyone in these cities, please feel free to spread the word.

My sheirut arrives in 2 hours. Another big announcement coming in the next week or so.

UNHEALTHY, INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS FOOD....HERE I COME!!!

Nothing Like a Little Local Flavor

I was in Haifa last week. Ahhh, Haifa. Nice place, actually. Have I written about big city snobbiness? I lived in the City for three years immediately before living in Israel. (I'm already going to digress. Once I lived there, I instinctively started calling it "the City". I wouldn't be surprised if non-NYers or non-Americans found that annoying. I've never talked to anyone about it before but it's a bit pretentious, no? THE city? How does NY get claim to it? What about other big cities, if not older ones? Maybe it makes more sense while talking with other NYers more than with general people. It doesn't bother me but I'm sure it bothers somebody. Now I'm thinking like a non-American. Anyway, from this point on, I'm calling Kiryat Malachi "Ha City.")

So when I lived there, I was very turned off by the New York snob who didn't acknowledge life outside of the city. "You can't get a good cup of coffee outside of the city." Are you serious? How about anti-psychosis medication? I was more than willing to respect if not agree with the viewpoint that NYC is at least the greatest city in the States but the corollary that no other city is worth living in or visiting or has any merit is crazy talk.

Here I am living in Israel now. If you're an oleh, or at least an oleh in your 20s or 30s, or a single oleh in your 20s and 30s, you're moving to Jerusalem or Tel Aviv. That's it. I'm talking, what, 95%, if I can make up a number? I've only been here 3 years but from where I'm standing, it's easy to have some a bit of a bubble mentality and sometimes have it hit me, "wow, I almost sound a bit snobby". I remember driving through Tiberias 3 years ago, thinking "who LIVES here????" So when I go to a place like Haifa, it's a bit bizarre to realize I'm in one of Israel's cities which is neither Tel Aviv nor Jerusalem, and one which I don't know at all. I wonder, "what are their lives like? what do they think about X, Y, and Z? are they different from me?" If that last question sounds silly, Israelis say kibbutznikim are "different" (haven't exactly figured out how) and someone just told me yesterday that people in the Galil are different and more laid back. I should say that I do acknowledge the merits of living in other places, it's more that I have a hard time putting myself in their shoes and sometimes am unable to imagine living there.

From the small amount of time I've spent in Haifa, I like it. It's pretty, green, the views are great, and it's just new to me. They even have different cafes, more than just Aroma, Cafe Cafe, Hillel, etc. I went to not one, but two branches of Cafe Greg. Am I the only one who thinks that's a weird name for a cafe in this country? That's appropriate, I guess in the same way I'd expect to drink coffee in Cafe Steve and Beit Jerome.

Anyway, I had a brownie which wasn't bad but probably not worth 33 shekels for which I could have gotten a meal. What's IN a 33 shekel brownie, cocaine? It's possible I got the wrong receipt since they just wrote "ארוחה עסקית". That's my new business plan: start an overpriced restaurant, just write "food" on the receipt regardless of what they order, and charge 90 shekels for everything.

At least it was a quality place as evidenced by the bottom of the receipt. Remember, folks, in Israel we read right to left. Or something.
As always, my biggest question is "do they even know???"

One more thing: my male friend (not the ONLY one but one of them) is looking to rent out his spare bedroom. He's a good guy, you can trust me. After all, I am "real only the town in blogger".

Bat-Yam : 15 minutes from center of Tel Aviv
1 Bedroom in a 3-room apartment. Renovated. Fully furnished + all appliances.
1,500 NIS/month.
054-542-8405
*I'd prefer a lone-soldier, in which case the price is only 900-1000 NIS/month (or whatever they get from the army).

I Know Middle Eastern Food Can Be Spicy But This is Ridiculous

Been a bit of a slacker with the blog posts as of late but I've been a bit busy. Details to come soon.

If you're not hungry for more What War Zone content, then maybe you're at least hungry for some delicious Israeli food. Whether it's kababs, juicy vegetables, or tasty cheeses, we have it all. If you're a purebred Ashkenazi, be wary of spicy foods as the Middle Easterners don't mess around. I know food can be spicy but what the hell is this about?


Apologies to the disappearing Kinneret but I'm going to need another glass of water, please. Todah.

Hat tip: Judah

This is What We're Dealing With in the War Zone

We already know that our enemies will do anything to influence world opinion, having doctored photos during the Second Lebanon War. They're at it again, people.

Last night, in honor of the President's Conference, Some Dumb Oleh, aka Benji Massachusetts, attended a networking event sponsored by ROI, CLI, Presentense, Lassie, the Doobie Brothers, and Encyclopedia Brown. Massachusetts was captured on camera with one of the blogosphere's most well-known celebrities, Mr. Jewlicious. Here is the original photo.


Unfortunately, the photo appeared today in Al-Jazeera having been doctored by members of the Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade. See if you notice any differences.

That's right, the military base under my kipah is made to look slightly bigger. Are we going to stand by and let lies rule the day? NOT ON MY WATCH!

Write your local newspaper editor and speak your mind.

THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE!!!

Looking for a vacation package? Contact Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency!

Photo credit: The Talented Joel Haber!

Forget Madoff, Hadassah Has Other Issues to Deal With

Just over 10 months ago, Bernie Madoff ruined the lives and financial situation of countless individuals and organizations with his Ponzi scheme. Hadassah was possibly the most highly profiled victim, having lost tens of millions of dollars.

Apparently, Hadassah's demise was greatly exaggerated. Is it fair to say that happy days are here again? It is if this upcoming event is any indication.


Let's take a look. Ok, it's a donor weekend in Las Vegas. Program brunch with a speaker from the Shalom Sesame series, that's educational. Shabbat socializing, very nice. Blue Man Group, good times.

(cough!) Excuse me, WHAT?! Am I reading this right? POLE DANCING LESSON? At a Hadassah convention? Ech omrim "I think I just threw up in my mouth"??? Sorry for being turned off but something about Faigy Rabinowitz grinding onstage while "Pour Some Sugar on Me" plays in the background is a little disturbing. I don't care if it is a young donor weekend, this is just wrong. When they wrote "Vegas baby!" at the top, I guess they were hoping that the pole dancing would lead to Jewish continuity.

Good job, Hadassah ladies. Now get on the floor and make some Vegas babies. Fellas, next time you think about putting a single into the little blue pushke, you may want to hold onto it for a different use.

"Give it up, fellas, for The Lovely Myrtle!
Please remember that your donations will help build a new
emergency trauma center in Ein Karem."

It's not too late to register...see you in Vegas!

(By the way, you're all invited to the ADL wet t-shirt contest this Sunday.)

And if you haven't joined my FB fan page, feel free to do so.