"Now boarding...rows Aleph thru Zayin"

The last week of the year…always a popular week to travel. In the States, a time to turn on your “out of office” and use your unusued vacation days. And in Israel, a time to welcome the flood of Americans who visit Israel on a mission, a school trip, work-related event, or stam (just because). A few hundred of those visitors are here this week visiting their kids on Year Course which means a few extra work events for me, meeting with parents and showing them what their kids have been up to for the last 4 months). One of these events happens to be in Eilat, a gala dinner for all of our British participants and their parents. When the opportunity arose to take my first domestic flight within Israel (and recap it for you, my loyal readers), you can bet I jumped at it.

• Dov Hoz Airport (“Sde Dov”) resides just a hop, skip, and a jump from the port of Tel Aviv. This was by far the smallest airport I’d ever flown from. The inside was one room and from the feel of the waiting area/café, we could have been in the middle of rural Kansas (with the rednecks replaced by arsim).

How many spelling mistakes did you find? If you said “three”, you win! (If you didn't, please email me your picture so I can make fun of you in my next entry.)

• The security guy at Arkia Airlines interrogates us far less intrusively than the El Al guys. Are the Arkia security guys like Canadian Football League players who dream of one day making it to the big-time? While based on nothing factual, I feel safer knowing the flight originates and ends IN ISRAEL. Is security even necessary? “I’m going to ask you a few questions: at any point, did someone…no proh-blem, enjoy your flight!”
• I consider filling out an Arkia luggage tag before deciding against it. IT’S ARKIA! Where could my bag possibly get lost? “Hello, Meester Lovitt? I know these sounds crazee seeing that we fly between Tel Aviv and Eilat, but your bag ended up in Tallahassee. It’s the damndest thing!"
• A woman asks “kamah stend-bys yesh?” It’s a good thing she only needs one stend-by. I don’t know if it’s possible to get two stend-byot.
  

"Security, come in, security, come in. We have an unidentified sitter. OVER."

• After engaging in the annual “who’s the most attractive person in the office?” conversation, my co-workers and I prepare to board the tiny plane. Here we go...I’m walking up the stairs...I’m entering, and…? It’s a normal plane. How disappointing. I was hoping for something special to Israel, like a staff of scantily-clad Bar Rafaeli clones fanning us and feeding us chickpeas.

What’s that? It’s been a month since the last Bar Rafaeli reference?
Welcome to my blog, random Google searchers!

• Ech omrim “mile high club”? Moadon 1.6 kilometers?
• As we drive on the runway, I can see we’re just a stone’s throw from the water. Well, a stone’s throw for an athletic person. My throws usually end up in the ground four feet ahead of me.
• I think as a joke, Nefesh B’Nefesh should set up their table and welcome party in Eilat. Israelis would get off the plane, besieged by music, festivities, and “Welcome to Israel!” signs and think “What the hell???” (Actually, imagine any international airport completely redoing an arrivals gate with the language of another country, like a Hollywood set. They bring in a group of “extras” of a different ethnicity, completely freaking out and confusing the incoming flight. Would that be the best April Fool’s joke ever?)
• “Everyone using portable computers are kindly requested to turn them off.” KINDLY REQUESTED??? An Israeli didn’t make that announcement! Call the army-SOMETHING’S GONE HORRIBLY WRONG!
• The pilot translates his announcements into English. That's nice of him but it’s a domestic flight! If I were the pilot, I’d say “Eets Yis-rael! FAHK EET!”
• They just served me Yotvata chocolate milk. I LOVE ARKIA.
  

“If you look to the left, you’ll see where our neighbors want to push us into.”

• The Mediterranean looks beautiful. Seriously, has anyone thought about taking the Kotel and a couple of coffeehouses and setting up shop off-shore? Only praying when a lifeguard is present of course.
• Rejected Arkia slogans: “We loooove to fly, and it…..ehhhhhhhh”, “Arkia: No Davening Here”, “Security? Ha!”
• What does Arkia mean anyway? Regardless, do any investors want to fund my efforts to launch a new airline, Arsia? If the Palestinians deserve the right to self-determination, shouldn’t the arsim have a right to self-transportation? They can build the airport between Holon and Bat Yam and distribute complimentary gold necklaces to first-class passengers. Air Arsia…coming soon to a…AHLO, BOOBAH! (I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.)
  
• “Thank you for choosing Arkia.” Choosing??? We’re flying Tel Aviv to Eilat, what other options did we have? Hooters Air?
• In a record two seconds after landing, the man next to me stands up and starts walking to the exit of the plane. My co-worker Mike and I lock eyes in amused shock. The flight attendant attempts to say something to him but he disregards her.
  

That concluded my flight. 45 minutes and we made it to Eilat. Nicely done, Arkia. If only I knew how my bags ended up in Maui.

Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Cardiac Arrest

We all remember our first time. The discomfort. Confusion. Wondering..."is this NORMAL?" Ah...I too remember my first Israeli breakfast. Vegetables??? IN THE MORNING??? American teenagers, cucumbers, and tomatoes don't mix well, especially around eight in the morning. You won't catch us eating anything red and green at that hour unless it's Lucky Charms. Cereal and eggs...mmm.

Sixteen years later, I've reached a happy place with cucumbers and tomatoes. But it wasn't until I talked about it with some of my Israeli friends that I realized that...wait a second, maybe we're the ones who eat weird stuff in the morning (Americans, that is). Last fall, I found myself in an International House of Pancakes in South Florida with my Israeli co-worker Shirly (that's Sheer-li, as in "sing to me", not Shirly, as in Laverne's roommate. By the way, what was the most ridiculous sub-plot of that show? The fact that the girls actually agreed to hang out with Squiggy, who clearly suffered from major social awkwardness, or that Laverne had her first initial embroidered on every single shirt? Let's discuss...)

Ok, SERIOUSLY...what was wrong with this guy???

Shirly, on shlichut to the States, was shocked at the, um, CRAP that we Americans choose to eat for breakfast. Well, maybe not WE Americans, but at least the ones who keep places like IHOP and Denny's in business. Check out IHOP's staple dish for the last 20+ years, the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n Fruity: two eggs, two bacon strips, two pork sausage links, two ham strips, hash browns, two fluffy buttermilk pancakes, and two clogged arteries (no extra charge). Not to state the obvious, but is it any wonder that Americans are grossly overweight? Shirly brought up the vast difference in the breakfasts that Israelis eat. Bye bye, donuts; hello, fruits and cheeses. Labane, white cheese (no other translation for g'veenah l'vana), yogurts, and of course, our good friends Misters Cucumber and Tomato.

Last week, my parents visited from the States. One morning, I had them over for breakfast. Cheeses, eggs, coffee, OJ, pita, and a large bowl of Israeli salad later, they were stuffed. "We don't usually eat such a hearty meal for breakfast."

Make sure to leave room for bacon and sausage links, Americans!

I recently spoke about this culinary divide with my Israeli friend Eitam who used to work with me in the Israeli Consulate in Atlanta. "I never understood the combination of bacon and pancakes! Salty and sweet together? That's like putting whipped cream on your hamburger!"

Don't give us any ideas, my healthy friend. Invention is the mother of Cool Whip.

"Chickpeeeeeeas Roasting on an Open Fire..."

My first Christmas in Israel (since moving here anyway). I celebrated the holiday by eating falafel for lunch. In my world, Christmas comes about twice a week with lots of chumus and extra pickles. Thank you, Santa!

To any of my loyal readers celebrating Christmas out there, have a merry one. To my loyal Jewish readers in the States, this is for you.

Though we don't control the media, we at least control comedy. And why is Saturday Night Live only funny in 3 minute increments?

The end of intermarriage

What percentage of Jewish females would marry out of the faith if this man was their rabbi?

Just lose the cross, Justin.

We can dream, can't we? Or you can watch this Saturday Night Live instant classic, featuring Rabbi Timberlake two minutes and sixteen seconds in.



One of the things that makes this so well-done is its satirizing of 90's boy band videos, including the following crucial elements:
1) the ridiculous facial hair
2) the "throw-your-arms-back-like-your-jacket's-gonna-fall-off" move, borrowed from BoyzIIMen's "I'll Make Love to You" video (umm....somebody like told me this or something, of course. I didn't remember it myself. No, really.)
3) the coordinated clothes and dance moves, and so on and so forth

Girl, at 1:29 in the morning, I don't have the energy to research this question, but have there been any Israeli boy bands? Girl, I'm not talking bands of boys, I'm talking NKOTB/Backstreet Boys/'N Sync style. Girl...I'm talking songs where they precede every line with "girl".

Boy bands definitely serve a function in society. They fill a gap in the always rotating popular music merry-go-round which includes airhead girl pop (Britney, Christina, Jessica), edgier/singer-songwriter girl music (Alanis, Sarah McLaughlin, Lilith Fair rock)...and whatever the other genres are. (My friends who think I have zero taste in music are laughing right now.) They give young girls a reason to scream and look ridiculous. It's true though-every few years, someone has the idea to put together a boy band to churn out cookie-cutter #1 hits and look pretty, and they end up grossing $34 bajillion, only to see 99% of it go to the record companies. New Edition, the New Kids, and the late 90s versions...isn't it time Israel share in the fun?

What songs might they sing? Here are some samples which came to mind...
"Tayelet Girl"
"Tachzori Li, Boobah"
"Don't Forget Me, Motek"
"Ya'alah, Yaldah"
"Hotter than the Negev" (this could only be pulled off on the follow-up album when the band attempts to create an edgier, older image)

You're telling me this wouldn't work? These ideas are GOLD, my loyal readers. We just need to make it happen.

Ech omrim "oh oh, OH OH oh"?
Don't even lie, people-you're LOVING this.

I've Been a Bad, Bad Boy

Forgive me, my loyal readers, for I have sinned. I haven't posted in too long (Katherine, oh, new and loyal reader and frequent commenter, will you ever forgive me???) I know you will when you discover that Mr. and Mrs. What War Zone (my parents) left Israel yesterday after visiting for the first time in a whopping TWENTY-TWO YEARS. It was a busy week following a busy week with another few of them on the way. Nevertheless, it's posting time. I'll have something up by tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's a graphic to tide you over. I recently ate at Spagetim, a restaurant which serves...any guesses? While the food was fresh, the kiddie's menu was not. (Apparently, the term "political correctness" hasn't yet made it to this fine dining establishment.)

Nice coloring book, you ignoramuses.
What is this, 1950?

More to come...

"Shalooooooom, Newman"

Nothing better than a Seinfeld marathon, broadcast on Shabbat.

The funniest show ever...made even more Jewish.

"It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's....Ehhhhhhh!"

Every superhero has his arch nemesis. Superman and Bizarro. Batman and the Joker (or was it the Penguin?) Mine is my roommate on cleaning day. Now I must admit up front...I won't dramatize it for literary effect. While I had reason to be concerned at first, things aren't bad on the home front. We've reached a level of co-existence. However, come every other Friday, my loyal readers, I must summon my super powers to fight for what is good and just (and to avoid cleaning how she wants me to. Or had you forgotten this story?)

If you aren't familiar with the art of Israeli mopping, I suggest you catch yourself up here. As I said, though no one will confuse me for Mr. Clean, I'll keep the apartment decent looking, provided I get a little kick in the tooseek from time to time. However, problems arise when the American (me) and Israeli (roommate) face off in a battle of cleaning and cultural wills.

The battle usually begins when I decide I can no longer spend the entire Friday day in my room surfing the web. Upon opening my door, it comes to my attention in approximately .7 seconds that I am going to clean. This message is normally communicated by my roommate saying in an authoritative voice, "BEHN-JI, WE AHR CLEEN-EENG DEH APAHRT-MEHNT." This voice is followed by birds dying, plants wilting, and my spirits falling like Al Bundy at the sound of his wife's voice.

"Oh, Aaaaaaaaaal!"

And while this Superman doesn't have blue Kryptonite to combat my Bizarro roommate, I do have some strategies to outsmart her (though a more mature adult might ask, "Is it really so bad to give your home such a thorough cleaning?") This adult says yes out of principle.

Because she hates it, I am assigned the toilet. No problem. I take the Economica, throw some in the bowl, and start scrubbing. For those of you who don't know, Economica is the all-world cleaner of the state of Israel, the Acamol of cleaning products. Acamol of course is the all-world medicine of Israel. Headache? Acamol. Backache? Acamol. Gunshot wound? No proh-blem!!!!! After a few minutes of scrubbing, I leave the bathroom to tackle my next assignment. "Roommate" enters and exclaims, "Thees ees noht clean! How did you cleen eet?" I look at her with a blank stare, silent for three LONG seconds before answering emphatically, "I didn't finish yet! I'm waiting for the water to stop running!" A bigger lie has never been told. Did all of Tel Aviv see through that or only those in this apartment? Hey, you can criticize my cleaning if you want but I'm not the one who's cleaning the shower with a broom. (I'm sorry, my loyal readers, my covert surveillance tactics failed me. I so badly wanted a picture but I kid you not. "Roommate" was scrubbing the bottom of the bathmat with it.)

"Lemme get this straight...she did WHAT???"

As I finish my chores, the inevitable becomes the unavoidable. It is time to clean the floor. With "Roommate" in the other room, I must be careful. The slightest misstep will result in her yelling, or as she puts it, talking. Israel has a water shortage and I will do everything in my power to conserve. Do you remember the movie "Misery" with Kathy Bates and James Caan? I'm playing the role of James Caan's character at the end of the film, carefully plotting my "escape" while being careful not to attract the attention and fury from the scary woman.

She tells me to fill a bucket of water which, from my understanding, will raise the water level in our small apartment by approximately 75 feet. I fill it, plotting my every move as I go. With the roommate only a few feet away in the next room, I act. Small splash here, small splash there, until the floor is covered in just enough water that I can sufficiently clean it, but not so much that it will resemble the giant tidal wave in "The Day After Tomorrow."

The average amount of water used to clean a floor in Israel.

With several strategic and very quick strokes, I clean the floor before the roommate knows what's happened, dumping half the bucket into the sink as quietly as possible. Kind of like when I was sick as a little kid and poured half the serving of Triaminic Cold Medicine in the sink (except that my mom caught me).

How come all kids' medicines are rumored to taste like bubble gum or some fruity flavor, when in fact they taste like dog vomit? Just wondering.

Nice karma I have. "More wah-ter!!!" Did someone tell Picasso "more paint"? Playing along, I toss a little more water on the floor. I'm almost done. I just have to squeegie the water into the 1 millimeter by 1 millimeter hole in the wall, designed to frustrate and boggle the minds of would-be Israelis cleaners. SERIOUSLY, does that little hole automatically cause the floor to tilt the other way, or does it just seem that way? After a few minutes, including when I accidentally launch the black water all over the bottom of the wall, I am done (I love when that happens). The roommate comes in for inspection. I try not to laugh as she looks around. Whew! I passed!

Justice has prevailed. The floor is clean, water is conserved, and I amused myself for about 20 minutes. Did the superhero analogy really make it past the first paragraph of this entry? Not really. Did I buy another 2 weeks of sanity? You betcha.

"Oh, Aaaaaaaaaaaaal!"

My Go-to Move....and ISRAEL'S NEW MATZAV

Hello, my loyal readers-excited for Shabbat? I sure am-it's been a busy week and I need to relax...and maybe write a few more posts. I know, I only gave you the ridiculous t-shirt this week. I feel bad about it too.

With so much going on with work, Ulpan, and other things, I've not had much time to follow the news or do much in the evenings (and therefore, find anything to write about.) It's time to go to my go-to move.

But first, let's recount some famous "go-to moves" in history:
1) The Dream Shake: This was Hakeem Olajuwon's patented move under the basket where he faked and twisted his way to NOTHING BUT THE BOTTOM OF THE NET!

2) Jerry's move: George borrows it, Puddy steals it, you know the rest. (By the way, this week, one of my Israeli co-workers exclaimed in a heavy accent "Helloooooooooo, Newman". A funnier moment there has never been.)

3) Crane technique: "If done right, no can defense!" In case you missed it the first time...what a scene...

Playing the role of the seven nations which attacked Israel in 1948, the Cobra Kai. And as the little nation that could...Daniel LaRusso! It's amazing this movie isn't more popular in Israel.

Back's against the wall...not a lot of time to write...what to do? Gotta turn to my go-to move...ULPAN!

• I love when Israelis throw a random English word into conversation. How do they decide when to do this? It happens at least once or thrice a class. "Zeh lo pehr-fect! Zeh KEN beeg deel! Zeh lo mamash soo-prize!"
  
• You know how British singers lose their accents when singing? (Or at least we Americans think they do.) I sit next to an Australian guy who loses his accent when speaking Hebrew. Then again, some Israelis think I'm French or English when they hear me speak Hebrew so what do I know?
• When using our new word "likrat (before, preceding)" in a sentence, my favorite teacher Daphna chose a familiar line: "Lecha dodi, likrat Shabbat." Read that line again, Jews. Anyone see anything wrong? Strike one against the future of Israel as a religious state.
  
• Yours truly was the first volunteer to choose a newspaper article to present to the class. I chose something of major geopolitical significance: the Israeli cable channel HOT's recent purchase of season six of "American Idol." I found myself giving an interesting explanation (in Hebrew, not easy) of America's current infatuation with reality TV and, more specifically, laughing at others' misfortune. (Ech omrim "she bangs"?)
  

Benji: "Does anyone know Kelly Clarkson?
Jenny from Sweden: "Unfortunately."

America: The land of opportunity. And bad TV.

"You're...EHHHHHHHHH..."

• I'm not going to discuss the Benny Sela saga (although in a major development, he was just captured). However, during the initial days after Sela's escape, we learned many relevant words which showed up in the papers. For example, "mirdaf"-a pursuit, chase. Or as Daphna put it when speaking to us like seven-year olds, mirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-daf! Holy Jesus, I think she just summoned a flock of hummingbirds. I'd pay money to have a resh like that.
  
• For those of you who don't follow the Middle East, at some point during the last intifada, the word "matzav" (situation) became synonymous with the conflict, as explained here. The matzav was responsible for incredible tragedy: the loss of thousands of lives, incredible pain and suffering, and the final death blow to Oslo. It became a very emotionally charged word, referenced by Jews in Israel and across the Diaspora. A few days ago in Ulpan, one of my classmates used the word "matzav", to which Daphna replied "ayze matzav (which situation)?" As evidenced by Daphna's response, we seem to have arrived at a point in history where the word has been returned to the Hebrew language for general and personal use. For this reason, I feel the need to snatch it up, like a web surfer seizing a domain name which has just become available. I'M CALLING IT NOW: going forward, the "matzav" will now refer to my ongoing status as a 32 year-old single man in a country of gorgeous Jewish women. The matzav is serious, has lasted too long, and needs to be addressed for the betterment of the world (and by "the world", I mean me.)
  

Let us all pray for a quick and final resolution to this very serious "situation". Thank you.

Caught on Camera...More Ridiculous T-shirts

Those wacky sabras are at it again.

That's funny, I would have thought he was born to daven.
Do you pray to G-d with that shirt, buddy?

Man, I wish I had my photo albums in this country. I have a great shot from my adopted moshav mom on Year Course from forever ago. Moroccan woman, not a word of spoken English, and for some reason she felt the need to express herself by wearing the Nirvana t-shirt shown below.

Well, my mother Shula DID pick flowers in the hothouse.
I guess Kurt Cobain really was the spokesman of a generation...

Well, Now I've Seen Everything...

It was brought to my attention last week that Friday, December 1st was World AIDS Day. Although we might wish differently (thanks to the recent UN voting), Israel is in fact part of this world and as such, commemorated this day along with the rest of the "civilized" world. Out of curiosity, I made my way to the Tel Aviv Cinematheque that afternoon to check out the scene.

It was pretty dead to my surprise. I had thought the significance of the event in a liberal city like Tel Aviv would have brought out more people (or at least the appeal of "free food"), especially on such a nice day. There was a photo exhibit which displayed the work of some carriers of the virus, along with a screening of an AIDS-related movie. Medical personnel administered free HIV tests as well (I knew there was a reason to carry my teudat zahut around).

So after 25 years of this horrible epidemic, my loyal readers, how might you expect to commemorate this unifying cause? Gee, I don't know...how about by having two Israeli sperm/gevers* kick around a pink soccer ball in a condom-shaped balloon? Just a thought...

"Ehhhh....Shmulik, how mahch lohn-ger? Thees pants are eetchy!"

I wonder what transpired in their job interview...

Interviewer: "Ok, kacha....you know about the AIDS?"
Candidate: "Ken, ken, AIDS...nu!?"
Interviewer: "B'seder, so you have to dress up as...ehhhhhh...sperm, b'seder?"
Candidate: "Sperm, ken, ken...b'seder........................

(pause)

Be'emet???"

Thanks to this albino unicorn, AIDS awareness is through the roof.
(A certain blogger on the right.)

The "Biggest Condom in the Middle East", just after the "Biggest..."
ok, I'm not going to finish that joke.

Cultural differences aside, let's all hope that we don't have to witness too many more of these events.

*Menly men

"If You LOL It, It is No OMG!!!"

"Im tirtzu, ayn zo agada."
If you will it, it is no dream. -Theodore Herzl

The Founder of Modern Political Zionism strived for a state where Jews could live as the majority in a country of their own. They would work in jobs across all classes: doctors, bankers, farmers, laborers...freely. Just as Herzl predicted, his dream was realized, just 50 or so years later. But do you think Herzl could have foreseen this?

Yes, it's MSN Instant Messenger in Hebrew. But that's not all, my loyal readers. Just what is that icon at the end of the conversation?

Is it one of these? : )

Could it be one of these? : (

If you look closely, might it just be one of these? : p

If you chose D), "waving rabbi", move to the head of the class.

When my friend Ofra typed "רב" and hit enter, I almost died from laughter. She said "WHAHT? WHAHT? WHAHT AHR YOU LEFFING ET???" I said "TRUST ME, Americans are going to think this is the funniest thing ever" (and if not, I get to play the "you had to be there" card.) She just stared at me disbelievingly as I continued to cackle but I remain convinced. This was one of those moments where the perspective of the American oleh and Israeli-born sabra couldn't have been any different.

WE'VE MADE IT! After 2000 years of exile, we now live in a country where we have our own IMing software with a FREAKING WAVING RABBI! How unbelievable is THAT? We have Jewish McDonalds workers, Jewish basketball players (well, maybe we always had that), and now Jewish teens translating "LOL, BRB, IMHO" into Hebrew. (Umm...they do do this, right?)

Usually when I have one of these moments, the Israeli I happen to be next to shrugs and says something to the effect of "beeg deel". If that's not a beeg deel, I don't know what is.

Israel drivers and customer service together...the most dangerous
combination since paper and fire.

"AH-LO! Ken I tehk your...ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........."

SO MANY CAPTIONS...SO LITTLE TIME...

(I want to welcome new reader WriterGrrl to the party. Happy reading!)