No Better Place to Raise Children (Especially as Smokers)

Israel: no better place to raise kids. Everybody here knows it. Far away from the crime-ridden streets of America lies a place with friendly neighbors, parks, and of course, no random gun violence.

And, ahhh, the beach. Fun for the whole family! Journey down to Eilat like I did yesterday, and you'll find a land of sun, relaxation, and fun. Heck, I even found the old "insert a coin, maneuver the claw, and win a prize" game! WHAT KID DOESN'T LIKE THAT???

(pause)

I guess I'm just used to prizes like fuzzy dice and silly putty...

"Hey, Shmulik, how bout some Marlboro Lights with that choo-choo?"

G-d, I miss my childhood.

Ulpan Adventures....They're Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With apologies to Fiona Apple, I've been a bad, bad boy. When life gets hectic, the first thing that suffers is Ulpan attendance. It's a horrible shame because as many of my Israeli friends tell me, learning Hebrew should be right at the top of my priority list (somewhere between showering and trying not to laugh when I answer the phone "AH-lo!") Once my job went full-time a few months back, I found that I couldn't attend four long mornings a week and work a full day afterwards. Then the frustration began.

I started a class in the evening but couldn't deal with the teacher. (I found her to be terrible. I missed my dear Dafna and how she talked to me like I was seven.) Then I tried a class in Holon where my Year Course kids live but there were time issues there as well. Last week, I began a class in the Bat Yam Ulpan, a five minute bus ride from my office. Let's hope the game of "musical Ulpanim" has come to an end because I'm not willing to study in Dimona, even if I might learn how to say things like "fallout" and "blast zone."

Umm...this picture isn't in Israel.
Israel doesn't even have nuclear weapons. No, seriously!

Anyway, I know Israel is funny. You know Israel is funny. And nowhere is its hilarity on display more than in a Hebrew class with immigrants from foreign countries (and really, what other kind of immigrants are there?)

So without further ado...it's been too long...LET'S GET IT STARTED!

• Each language has apparently added its own personal flavor to modern Hebrew, says my new teacher. The suffix "nik" or "ist" comes from Russian. Kibbutznik, stand-upist... The slang comes from Arabic. Walla (wow)! Every dirty word that I won't write here because my mother is reading. And English? The suffix "er" like "protectsioner (connected person) " or "mafioner." Good to see that my people are responsible for the language of organized crime.
  
• Does it bother anyone else that there isn't a word for...well..."that" in Hebrew? How the hell do you compare things in this country? What do you prefer, "zeh" or "zeh"? Well, I think the answer is pretty clear.
• During our Tu B'Shvat lesson, the teacher talks about Israel's constant water shortage and how the Kinneret is always in "mee-nus, just like our bank accounts." Hey, teach! Way to encourage us immigrants to build a life here! Better not close my Citibank account anytime soon. (By the way, this was also the lesson where I learned the word "photosyntheza.") Keeping with the nature theme, we learn how to say different insects like "jukim (cockroaches)". Someone just started singing "la cucaracha", much to the delight of the weird Peruvian chick in the back.
• Have you ever attended a Tu B'Shvat Seder? I've never seen half these fruits in the States! I swear to G-d, I think they just put stuff out to fool the Americans. ("Hey, Shmulik! See that old sponge I put on the tray? Fred and Tanya are EATING it!")
• The South American is now teaching the Russian Spanish. That's arguably the funniest thing I've seen since "The Karate Kid" was on Telemundo.

"Daniel-san! Yo quiero Taco Bell!"

• Some Russian woman just walked in with a fanny pack (ech omrim "fanny pack? Fenny peck?) That has GOT to be the official sign of middle age. When you see me walking down the street with a fanny pack wrapped around my waist, feel free to invite my loved ones over for an intervatsia.
• Upon learning the word "tarnegolet (rooster)", the class erupts into a passionate argument about whether or not there is such a thing as a female rooster, proceeding to re-enact this classic scene in Hebrew.
  
  

  Who's having sex with the tarnegol?
  

More Ulpan adventures coming soon!

Seesaw swingin' with the boys in the school and your feet flyin' up in the....eeeehhhhh........

When things like this come across my proverbial desk, why do I feel like someone is playing a practical joke on me? After excluding true "fanatics" who travel the country following their favorite band, memorizing everything about each member, and having Steven Tyler's middle name tattooed on their tuchus, I am the biggest Aerosmith fan I know. To anyone my age or younger who wants to remind me that they've sold out and produced crap for the last 10 years or so...yeah, fine. But listen to "Toys in the Attic" or anything from the 70's to hear why they were called America's greatest rock and roll band. You can even stretch that to the "Pump" and Alicia Silverstone years if you want although I won't twist your mezuzah.

(It's not like people were throwing this "greatest" label on the Backstreet Boys in the 90's only to wake up years later and realize, "What were we THINKING??? They SUCK!" Aerosmith's talent back then was undeniable. Why am I getting so defensive about this? Like I'm one to argue music with anyone. I have Rick Astley and Hanson on my iPod for G-d's sakes.)

My musical tastes or just a Halloween costume???
We may never know the truth...

Aside from this short reference at the end, I haven't mentioned my affinity for them in this here blog although my friend Philip tells me I should start branching off and talking about some other odds and ends to make things interesting for you, my loyal readers.

In any event, imagine my surprise when I came across the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. Not only is our favorite Israeli piece of, umm...shnitzel, Bar Rafaeli, featured in it (see here for fun Bar posts!) but look who she's posing with! Are you kidding me??? I haven't been that excited since the falafel guy near my office gave me extra chumus in my pita for Chanukah.

If that's not enough, as I was writing this, my Gmail notifier told me that I had a new email, announcing the new INTERNATIONAL dates for the Aerosmith tour. Holding my breath, I looked to see if perhaps I'd be singing the words to "Dream On" along with thousands of Israelis...but alas, not this time (sigh).

We'll just have to make do with clips like this.


(And Kanye, why so serious with your swimsuit model? Yeah, I can see why you're angry. You have a tough life.)

So my loyal readers...what band would you like to see pose with Bar Rafaeli and why?

Your Email is a War Zone (I Wouldn't Send My Kids There)

Israel continues to be a war zone. Just today, I risked my life eating 2 scoops of cookies and cream in sunny Tel Aviv. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END???

Thank G-d the media is here to report things accurately.

Right to left: Michal, Ziv, Tuborg, and Benji on the front lines
Tell my parents I love them.

Seriously, and sadly, does anyone even notice when horrible random violence happens in the States? Note the shootings in Utah and Philly.

Moving along, the management team at What War Zone??? is proud to announce the new appearance of a magic button on the right of this page which, when pressed with a simple mouse-click, will deliver my updates directly to your inbox. You of course have to enter your email address first but let's not get caught up in confusing techie jargon. (I'm not convinced I set it up correctly on the back end so if you don't get updates, please email me to let me know!)

The Mother of All "Yiyeh B'seders"

As I detailed a few months ago, one of the national slogans here is "Yiyeh B'seder (it will be ok)". There's no situation yiyeh b'seder can't handle. It's the Clorox bleach of phrases.

"Fido crapped the floor? No problem!"
Get it?

I recently witnessed the mother of all yiyeh b'seders when talking with my roommate. It unfolded like this.

Benji: "I read in the paper that the Arabs are preparing for war."
Roommate: "Ahhhh, dat's bullsheet."
B: "You think so? What about all the rhetoric from Iran?"
R: "Dey have been saying dat for years."
B: "And now they're building a bomb!"
R: "So what?"
B: "So then they nuke us! Kablooey!"
R: "So they nuke us! Yiyeh b'seder!"

And there it was. I felt like I just watched Wilt Chamberlain score 100 points in a game. I'll be telling my grandkids about that performance some day.

Other fun yiyeh b'seder references (maybe this should have its own label):
Yiyeh B'seder at Ulpan!
Yiyeh B'seder Cleaning the Floor!
Yiyeh B'seder at the Bank!

"On your mark...get set...relaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaax"

Good evening, my loyal readers; I invite you to sit back, relax, and get comfy. I haven't posted in a week or so, you never know when my next update will be, so you might as well enjoy this one. And why relax? Because things take time in this country, I'm finding. Israelis often tell me that America is the land of convenience, known for fast food, delivery of anything to your house, and unlimited hot water. (Seriously, how crazy is Netflix? Ten years ago, the internet was young and dominated by those ridiculous "Top 500 Ways to Annoy Your Roommate" emails. Today? You can get "V: The Final Battle" delivered to your mailbox! Along with FreshDirect, is there even any reason to leave home anymore?)

Before there was "Lost", and before there was "24"...there was "V".
(The 80's dorks are going nuts right now.)

I'm finding that things take tiiiiiiiiiiiiime here. Remember those days in the Diaspora, olim, when you could wash AND DRY your clothes on a Saturday morning? Or even, gasp, stain an article of clothing and have it cleaned by day's end, ready to wear that night? Laundry day turns into laundry week when waiting three days for your clothes to dry on the clothesline.

I suppose the lifestyle causes you to be more laid back and patient. Want to drink a cup of hot tea like an Israeli? If you're like me, you might want to clear your schedule first. Is it only in the Middle East that tea is served at 400 degrees Kelvin? I went out to eat last night with my friend who proceeded to order a cup of tea. The cup sat for 20 minutes before she could take her first sip. I could GROW tea in that time!

"Would you like some tea? Go ahead and heat up the water, I'm going to finish my thesis first. (pause) No, I haven't started yet. Drop the bag, I'll have my abstract done in no time..."

America is the birthplace of fast food. Food, thank goodness, is healthier here and takes a bit longer to eat. Americans, have you eaten a pomela before? Jesus! I started one on Tu B'Shvat and should be done after Purim. Is it any wonder that no one eats them in the States? Americans would give up after 5 minutes of peeling and return to their Playstations.

"What time do you want to get together Tuesday night? Well, I'm eating a pomela at 8. I should be done peeling at by 9. I'm sure I'll be done eating by 10 but the cleaning crew won't be done mopping the floor till midnight..."

I was going to do something from 8-11 but then I ate a pomela.

Israel's most impressive feat ever? Winning a war six days. SIX DAYS??? In six days, I'm just finishing my whites and coloreds. I just tried to upload this and am staring at the hourglass. No worries, I have all the time in the world. At least until my tea cools off...

"Following the game...it's 'Welcome Back, Kotter'!"

So last night was the Super Bowl. Incredibly enough, I managed to miss an entire football season without experiencing cardiac arrest. Nevertheless, I decided that if I missed the championship game, I might as well revoke my American citizenship the next day. When faced with the prospect however of watching the game with all of my Year Course kids at Mike's Place, I opted to watch it at my friend Ari's place. Unfortunately, I dropped the ball: this Super Bowl bash was void of caffeine, salt, or hops. I haven't been that ill-prepared since Erev Y2K. (Two hours before kickoff, I called a local pizza place to place an order. I hung up approximately 1.3 seconds after they told me they only had one size, extra large. If you're the owner of this establishment, isn't it in your best interests to just call it "regular?")

"Yeah, gimme three smalls, a venti, and five supergadols. YA'ALAH!!!"

After getting about an hour of sleep, I woke up for the 1:25 AM kickoff and tuned into METV, Middle East Television, pumped up for not only the big game, but the annual coming-out party for the year's biggest commercials. Umm, I don't want to offend the program directors over at METV, but what in G-d's name is WITH that channel? Do the people running METV know that it's 2007? They're choosing their shows as if they're the only frequency in town. As I wrote before, the first time they aired the black and white commercial for "Lassie", I kept waiting for the punchline, like for Diddy to run out with a bottle of Pepsi. WHERE ARE THE REAL COMMERICALS??? If the Bears scored a point for every time METV showed Bill Cosby getting punched in the chest, they would have won. Please tell me that one of my loyal readers caught that. What the hell was THAT clip from???

This Yom Shishi..."The Mary Tyler Moore Show"...
IT'S SWEEPS WEEK IN THE MIDDLE EAST!!!

According to the METV link above, the station originally had its roots in Lebanon. No wonder Nasrallah is so pissed off. You'd be angry too if you were subjected to Arnold Horshack five nights a week. If anyone in the Knesset is reading this, it's not about our right to exist. It's about satisfying the all-important 18-49 demographic!

If anyone in the government wants my opinion, you know where to find me. Meanwhile, please excuse me while I return to the TV. Tootie's on in five.

"Ehhh...why do they call it that? They ahr noht using their feet?!"

It's 2:00 AM, I'm watching the Super Bowl in a dark room with not a drop of caffeine or alcohol in the apartment, lying six inches from a coughing man.

REMIND ME WHAT I'M DOING HERE AGAIN?! (Oh yeah-I like it here.)

(Middle East TV just ran a commercial for "Lassie". I kept waiting for the punchline, like for Diddy to run out with a bottle of Pepsi. I must be dreaming.)

P.S. Football line of the year comes from Thanksgiving: "Mah zeh 'first and ten'?"

Through Rain, Sleet, Snow, and Chumus...

What do they say about the US Postal Service? That they'll deliver under any circumstances, be it rain, sleet, or snow? Apparently they have more obstacles than their Israeli counterparts.

My mom sent me a package a week or so ago. I got it today, despite the fact that she spelled my street name wrong, leaving out one letter and getting another wrong. No big surprise since the locals can't figure out what street I'm on either.

Israeli: "Where do you leev?"
Me: "Berdichevsky"
Israeli: "Tchernikovsky?"

Happens every time.

So here is the envelope with the mailing label still attached.

(In the very unlikely event that I have a stalker, I figured better safe than sorry. Ergo, the crossed-out portions.) It still got here. Of COURSE it did-have you ever mailed anything to Israel? No zip code? No proh-blem!

This country is so small, you could seriously send something to "Shimon, Israel" and he would get it no questions asked. "David, Kibbutz Goldshtein?" Done and done! Anyone want to play a game of "Stump the Postman?" Let's try this out once and for all. I'm asking one of my loyal readers to mail me a care package with just the letter "ב" in place of my name. Let’s see what happens. (If you send Doritos, please send to my full address. Some things just aren't working messing around about.)