The Ten Top Passover Pickup Lines

Got this via email yesterday (thanks, Stacy T.)

The Ten Top Passover Pickup Lines:
10. Let's make this night really different from all other nights.

9. What will you do to me for two zuzim?

8. What's a girl like you doing at a Seder like this?

How'd YOU like to ask her four questions?

I'm still waiting...

7. I'm going to have to search you for chametz.

6. Nice Haggadah.

5. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen".

4. I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!

3. Did that just say we were in bondage?

2. I could never Pass you Over...

1. Hey pretty lady, why don't you and me make our own Exodus on over to my place?

So, my loyal readers...what's your favorite Passover pick-up line?

My Day with Maxim (Part II)

Part I here...

When we last left Benji, he was in the Azrieli train station, jaw hanging roughly 2 centimeters from the floor, hanging out at Nivit Bash’s photo shoot. I’ll be honest with you guys, I had more important things to do than to hang out ogling a bikini-clad Jewess, but when journalism calls, so be it. (And if you believe that, I have a beautiful time-share in Gaza to sell you.)

The previous owner of my summer home in Khan Yunis.

After about 30 minutes of shooting pictures, the crew prepared to pack up and head to the next site. When my new idol, err, Israel21c Editorial Director David Brinn invited me to come along, it was an easy decision. I settled myself at the back of the van, doing my best to find the oh-so-important balance between the following: on one hand, being friendly enough to convince the crew to let me stick around…and on the other, to not annoy the crap out of them, causing the proverbial “don’t pinch me” moment and pre-mature end to this dreamy morning. Seeing that most of the crew currently lives in New York, my previous place of residence, that was a natural topic of conversation.

24 hours later…and I still don’t have this job.

The van stopped next to a gas station of all places, just across the Ayalon Highway next to the Azrieli towers. The crew chose to shoot her just in front of a big steel barrier right next to the street. (”And the sexist car-honkings and gawking will commence in three…two…one…”) You’ve all heard that famous statistic? About more Israelis being killed on the roads than in all the wars combined? It’s obvious why. FEMALE PEDESTRIANS. I’m curious: which country has the ugliest women in the world? You show me this country, I’ll show you safe roads and bored insurance companies. Within a few minutes, the arsim were appearing out of thin air, snapping pictures and acting offended when the crew told them “no pictures allowed.”

Some random thoughts that crossed my mind…

• What exactly qualifies someone to be an Israeli model? My grandmother could throw a rock on Rothschild Avenue and hit the next Bar Rafaeli. (And her fastball has lost a little juice over the years.) There are hot chicks EVERYWHERE. “Hey, look at that hottie! She must be the Max…Oh wait…she works the register at Burger Ranch.”
  
  
• I spent the downtime exchanging small talk with the friendly Maxim crew, one of which had worked photo shoots previously with several high-profile athletes like Dirk Nowitzki and LeBron James. “LeBron’s an ***hole. He has four babies from four mamas.” See, there’s the inside scoop you just don’t get from Haaretz. (Editor’s note: This is not true according to the internet, which of course is never wrong. I’ll believe it in this case.)
  
  
• The photographer constantly gave Nivit direction like “Put the weight on that leg…yeah, that’s better.” Boy, some people sure are picky.
  
  
• Why in G-d’s name does AIPAC insist on giving American Congressmen tours of places like the Kotel? Two words: THE BEACH!

Miss Tishrei, 5765

(She looks different without her makeup, doesn’t she?)

Some time later, work was beginning to call (my real work) and I could see the window of opportunity beginning to close. I hadn’t had more than a brief exchange with Nivit yet and time was running out. When the shoot was finished, I approached her to begin the interview.

Benji: “Why are Israelis so beautiful?”
Nivit: “Kibbutz Galuyot (a term meaning “ingathering of the exiles”…the gene mixing answer again.) The sun…the water…”
Benji: “What’s better: sex or chumus?” (This was inspired by the “boxers or briefs” question to then-Presidential candidate Bill Clinton, more to elicit a reaction than anything else.)
Nivit: “Oh my G-d! Because I’m a model, I can’t eat chumus. I’ll go with sex. But chumus is good as well.” (Not two seconds later, having heard nothing, one of the crew asked her, “Are you hungry? Do you want to eat chumus?”)
Benji: “Do you have a message for America?”
Nivit: “We have a great country. Come and visit!”

And the capper:
Benji: “Do you want to come to my Seder?”

I don’t much remember how the following events happened but somewhere between this question and my leaving, she invited me to her parents’ house for Seder. Let me write that again: THE JEWISH MAXIM MODEL INVITED ME TO HER PASSOVER SEDER!!!

“Why is this night different from all other nights?”
Umm…I’ll give you one guess.

Hey, it’s no secret Israelis are the most hospitable people on the planet. Why should this one be any different? I gave her my card and told her she better not be kidding. Free dinner…kosher for Passover (eye) candy…four cups of wine??? I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY!!!
Regardless of how many people buy this special magazine issue, I can confidently say, mission accomplished: I’m convinced. This is the greatest country in the world. And if she doesn’t call? I’ll see you at the newsstand.

My Day with Maxim (Part I)

The classic guitar players will all tell you that they first picked up a guitar to meet girls. I can’t remember the first time I picked up a pen to write (and whether or not anyone would consider me a classic anything is up for debate) but I surely didn’t do so with the expectation of meeting any girls from it. I suppose any girls I’ve met from my time on Jdate are a result of my finely-crafted essays (or was it the gratuitous pic holding a baby?) but nothing in comparison to the incredibly hilarious and surreal experience I enjoyed yesterday morning as a lucky blogger.

If you hadn’t heard, several employees of Maxim Magazine headed to Israel this week for a photo shoot of Israeli models, all in the name of a new kind of Israeli hasbara (talking points: OUT; curvy women: IN! IN! IN!) Sponsored by Israel21C and Israel’s Foreign Ministry, this yet-to-be released issue threatens to either to generate no more waves than the average issue of Maxim, or cause the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’Nefesh to dance in the streets due to the biggest aliyah since Russia opened its doors in the early 90s. I can just imagine this conversation:

Israeli Government Official: “Prime Minister, deh demo-grah-feex proh-blem eez no lohn-ger! Meel-yons of American Jews ahr choo-seeng to leev their lives een Israel!”

PM: “To waht do you aht-tree-bute dees? Anti-Semitism in deh Diaspora? Spirituality?”

IGO: “Ehhhhhhhhhh…..thong-eem???”

Be careful of Israeli women.
So sexy…yet so dangerous.

Between this and Hooters, it’s a good time to be an Israeli male. So when Israel21c Editorial Director David Brinn left me a message yesterday saying “Benji, I’m going to see the models, you might want to come too”…well, let’s just say I was excited. To put it into perspective, on the scale of “things that make your heart stop”, it ranked somewhere between “You just won the lottery!” and “Benji? It’s Aaron Spelling from the set of Melrose Place. We like your work and would love you to play the new romantic lead to Heather Locklear.”

When I arrived at the Hashalom train station to meet David and the staff, the possible scenarios were already running through my head: “Hey, baby…what’s your name? Come here often? Wanna play ‘Spin the Mezuzah’?” I met David and shmoozed for a minute until he pointed behind me and gestured “look!” A bikini-clad model stood on top of the ticket turnstiles, legs spread open. Suddenly, I felt an unexplainable urge to travel cross-country.

Next stop: my heart

Her name was Nivit Bash and for the next 30 minutes, I watched a photographer snap pictures, a light guy do something with light, a make-up girl do something with make-up, and so on. They were all very friendly and eager to visit Israel, almost all of whom were here for the first time. To my slight surprise, none of them expressed any hesitations or concerns despite Israel’s image in the media. I asked them what their biggest surprise was, what they enjoyed so far, what they thought of the nightlife, and of course, why Israelis are so hot. The answers included:

• “I follow the news but it didn’t keep me from coming. I’ve heard so much about this country and really wanted to visit. I’m blown away by it; I’m not afraid at all.”
• “It feels very Mediterranean but also Eastern, a real mix of cultures. And I’m looking forward to the game tonight!”
• As for the beauty…”They’re a mixture of cultures who are all so unique and different. People have arrived from 90 countries: Ethiopia, Russia, Europe, South America, North America…” That’s the standard explanation. Here was another: “They’re not as hung up as American girls. Their personality affects their beauty.” (Hey, I’m just the messenger.)

Here’s a shot of Nivit doing…WHO CARES??????????

Fortunately, I had some time to compose myself before meeting the model. Otherwise, this conversation might have happened.

Model: “My name eez Nivit Bash. What is yours?”

Benji: “Buh-dah-buh-goo-goo!”

This woman gets paid to rub cream on her stomach.
I really need a new job.
C’mon, Nefesh B’Nefesh career placement…hook a brotha up!

More pictures and details to come tomorrow including a surprise which, if realized, should leave tongues hanging across the Jewish world (or will at least impress of all my friends). Check back for Part II.

(Part II here.)

If you came to see some Israeli skin, surely you'll also want to see some Bar Rafaeli pics or read about the upcoming opening of Hooters in Israel.

C'mon, Somebody Send Me Mail with Just a "ב", Dammit

So a couple of months ago, I received mail despite the street name being mangled. This time, no country. I know that all of my loyal readers know where Tel Aviv is but I'm surprised some disgruntled postal worker took the time to get this letter to me instead of sending it back. In the words of comic Dan Naturman, 90% of Americans couldn't find Canada on a map...of Canada.
(Upon further review, what does it say that this piece of mail originated in my employer's office? Either some data enterer was itchy to leave the office that day, or they weren't sure where Tel Aviv is. For the future of the Jewish people, let's hope for the former.)

I repeat:

This country is so small, you could seriously send something to "Shimon, Israel" and he would get it no questions asked. "David, Kibbutz Goldshtein?" Done and done! Anyone want to play a game of "Stump the Postman?" Let's try this out once and for all. I'm asking one of my loyal readers to mail me a care package with just the letter "ב" in place of my name. Let’s see what happens. (If you send Doritos, please send to my full address. Some things just aren't working messing around about.)

I'm Sorry...I Couldn't Help It

From the Jerusalem Post...

An accidental explosion of a liquified petroleum gas tank of a car slightly injured two people in Turkey's southeast on Wednesday, local authorities said. The blast occurred in the southeastern city of Batman and authorities quickly ruled out the possibility of a terror attack, saying it was caused by a malfunction of the gas tank of the vehicle. Two people in the car were slightly injured, they said.

I smell government cover-up. Has anybody accounted for this guy?

"Take that, you caped infidel!
Mwah ha ha!!!!"

(Thanks to Neil for the tip.)

This Guy Needs a Hug

According to this article, a man published an obituary for the state of Israel yesterday to express his frustration with the government.

According to the notice, the State "was murdered by wicked gold-diggers who
only sought power, men who would fight and argue. Those who destroyed you
(Israel) came from within you."

Ok, so he’s angry. I got it. But then he keeps going.

Gonen…holds a lot of anger toward Israel's citizens themselves, saying, "All
they do is munch on seeds, complain, and do nothing." He defined the
Israeli public as good people, but said they act like a herd of sheep and the
blood of the finest among them is being spilled.

Hey, what did I do?!?! I don’t even like seeds.

A recent photo of me and my friends taking a morning walk.
I'm the one on the right.

“The government offices are like ping-pong tables; ministers don't last more
than three-four months in office, nothing can be done at this rate. There
are Knesset members who act like they are in the circus," he continued.

Forrest Gump at the Knesset.

Quite an angry man.

With the demise of Israel, the only question left is the following:
IS HOOTERS STILL COMING???

How many of my tax shekels went to this???

Israel announced yesterday that what happened last summer was a war. And in other news, the fried chickpea concoction which I inserted into my mouth today was a falafel.

A ministerial committee decided on the designation and its chairman said he expected a name would be found within a week in consultation with a separate panel set up by Defense Minister Amir Peretz.

I'm kind of partial to the name Myrtle. Here are some other names which the committee might want to consider.

The committee shocked the world by announcing that upon further review,
this was in fact a chicken.
Thank you, committee!

And there it was...

The siren just went off. That was most certainly weird. If it happened in the States, everyone would run out of their house and look for UFOs in the sky. I did in fact run out of the office just to see what people were doing but nobody seemed to react but me.

The only thing I can compare it to was one of those old THX "The Audience is Listening" sound effects.

“Bruchim Haba’im l’Hooterim! Can I take your….ehhhhhhh…..”

What to say? Pure comedy will be realized when Hooters makes its way to Israel as announced here. This is the kind of thing that we (those of us who like making fun of Israel in the most affectionate way) dream of. Let’s just say this investigative reporter will be saying hamotzi in person come opening day.


Isn’t this the fulfillment of the Zionist dream? Herzl longed for a place where Jews would have their own state. A place where we fill the work force: as doctors, merchants, laborers, and now as Hooters girls. IM TIRTZU EIN ZO AGADA!

• Just some things which crossed my mind in anticipation of this glorious event…
  Will they be selling Jewish Hooters calendars, complete with the holidays? “Holy chumus, Shmulik! Check out Miss Cheshvan! She is SMOKIN’!!!”


• Suddenly, the IDF’s generation-long stay at the top of the “Hottest Uniform” rankings just got a little more tenuous, didn’t it? This is the biggest shake-up since Katie Couric and the “Today Show” took down “Good Morning America” in the 90s.

“Dude, this is the best bris ever!”

• In light of the controversy surrounding the color orange during the disengagement from Gaza, it will be interesting to see what happens to the uniforms if Israel withdraws from the West Bank in the upcoming years. “Hooters, the official restaurant of the settler movement!”


• What’s next to come to Israel? This? I can’t wait till security frisks me. “YES! YES! I’M A TERRORIST!!! I’VE GOT A BOMB IN MY PANTS! WHO WANTS TO DISARM IT???”


• If the discrimination lawsuits make their way overseas, things should get interesting. How long until an Arab waitress sues for the right to wear a burqa?
  
• Where are they going to hire their waitstaff from? Could it be? Another Bar Rafaeli joke? Naaahh.....too predictable.

Hooters in Israel…the jokes write themselves…there's no way I keep a straight face when my waitress says “bah-falo weengs.”

Welcome to the War Zone!

Israel is a war zone. Or that's what the rest of the world would have you believe, if you watch the news. Bullets flying, rockets falling, camels blowing up... Of course we know the truth.

I finally got around to registering this new domain last weekend, www.whatwarzone.com, to celebrate the humor and good times that we have over here, especially in Tel Aviv, "the city that never sleeps". Every so often, I'll post a picture from the front lines so all those in the Diaspora who have notions about life here can see what we Israelis must go through on a daily basis.

This picture displays the horror of my platoon being down to its last Jack Daniels and Coke, seen gripped in my right hand. Thank G-d a waitress was nearby to come to my aid.

More updates from the front lines to come!

Update: Please read the comments below and feel free to add your two shekels.

"Israel to hold nationwide missile attack drill" (Ynet)

Did that get your attention?

Security forces, rescue services to participate Tuesday in massive
drill simulating conventional and unconventional terror attacks across country,
in order to implement lessons learned from war in Lebanon. Siren to be sounded
in south, center of Israel at 2 p.m.

That should be an interesting Israel experience for this new oleh. More details to come later.

"Thirty-seven! Eighteen! Falafel ball! HIKE!"

By now, you may have heard that Israel will be launching a professional baseball league this summer. But a FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION??? Bob Kraft, the owner of the New England Patriots (and active Jewish community leader), and former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue were recently in Israel to help announce this exciting development.

Could American football really catch fire in Israel, my loyal readers? The game of soccer, despite its popularity among youth, can't see to take hold in the States, even after our successful World Cup showing in 2002 and the bajillions of dollars invested in its professional leagues over the years. Most Israelis I know who have watched football say "Waht eez deh point? They heet each ah-der and then stend around for tehr-tee seh-cahnds!......

Mah zeh 'first and ten'?"

Could Bar Rafaeli be Israel's first cheerleader?
"DEAD SEA! RED SEA! HAIFA! MASADA!
CAN OUR OFFENSE GET ANY HOTTER?
GOOOOOOOOOOO...LAN HEIGHTS!"

Some burning questions about this new league...

"If you build it, they will come," said American Football in Israel president Steve Leibowitz as he announced the new Israel Football League to dozens of players and guests.

Yes, but will they wait in lines?

Dori Reichmann, a San Diego Chargers fan from Rehovot, has been playing tackle football in Israel since 1994, when he played in pickup games without any pads or helmets. Next year, he'll be playing for the Tel Aviv Pioneers in the new Israel Football League. "We've been waiting for this for 10 years," he said. While the IFL has been a three-team tackle football league without helmets and pads, the new fully-equipped IFL plans to kick off this fall with at least four teams located in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, Haifa and Kfar Saba.

The Tel Aviv Pioneers? What were the other finalists for the team name? The Tel Aviv Chain Smokers? The Shnitzel Friers?

"Peyton Manning! You just won the Super Bowl! Where are you going?"
"I'M GOING TO LUNA GAL!!!"

As a major sports fan, this is truly exciting. It looks like Israel is about to learn about a new kind of "Friday night lights."

Coht-ehn cendy, anyone?

That's not labane!

No it's not; it's snow on the ground in Jerusalem!

http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1173879089546&pagename=JPost%2FJPArticle%2FShowFull

No pictures from me. I live in Tel Aviv. : (

Question for the commenters:

How do we know this is not an Israeli snowman?

Ten points for whoever can guess correctly.

Chumus Bar Rafaeli Chumus Chumus Chumbar Rafummus

If you're one of my loyal readers, you've taken note of my pleasure in referencing Bar Rafaeli, not so much because she's, well...BAR RAFAELI...but because I'm amused by the many Google searchers who come my way as a result of their queries. I haven't the foggiest idea of how Google's fabled algorhytm works (aside from the oft-mentioned assertions that it factors in how many other sites reference you and, of course, the content.)

Well...imagine my amusement when I discovered that yours truly is the fifth result on the entire internet when searching for "chumus". How in Sabra did that happen? Sadly enough, I'm down from THREE earlier this week. See for yourselves...

Did this conversation happen in Silicon Valley this week?

We may never know.

Larry Page: "Sergey! Sergey! What the hell is this crap?"

Sergey Brin: "How did THAT guy get so high?"

LP: "I don't know, but we need some new software developers. CLEAN HOUSE, DAMMIT! LARRY IS GETTING ANGRY!!!!!!!!"

SB: (under his breath) "I hate it when he gets this way."

OK, GOOGLE! IT'S ON, BABY! PUT ME AT THE TOP!!!!!!!!!!



CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS
CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS
CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS HUMMUS CHUMUS

C'mon, Google guys...I don't ask for much.

And with this in the news...just for good measure...

Bar Rafaeli Chumus Rafaummus Chumbar Hummaeli.


If I'm number one in any of these categories by the weekend, I'm quitting my job and entering the chickpea industry.

Chickpea chickpea chickpea!

Time to Re-evaluate the Japan-Israel Diplomatic Relations

In my ongoing effort to eat healthily (I should really detail this if I ever have time), I went to the shuk to buy ingredients for this salmon recipe. Let's hope no one in this country ever has to rely on wasabi to survive. It wasn't so much the absence of it in any of the spice stands, it was more the ignorance to its existence in spite of the popularity of sushi here.

Sample exchange:
Benji: "Yesh wasabi?"
Israeli: "Balsami?"
Benji: "I'm outta here."

"Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.
Except find spice at Shuk HaCarmel."

(It's not fair that Bar Rafaeli gets her own blog label and Mr. Miyagi does not. I should really fix that...)

Speaking of cultural differences and linguistic things that make me laugh, I was talking with my roommate the other day.... You didn't hear? That we're now BFFs? Ok, let's not go overboard but in spite of this incident which will forever live in infamy, we've been getting along much better recently, leading to the shocking decision to extend my lease through June.

Benji: "How do you say 'to cut'?"
Roommate: "Ligzor."
Benji: "Huh?! Why doesn't it sound like 'misparayim' (scissors)? That's not even the same root!"
Roommate: "Why dahz eet have to be deh same wurd?! Eet's like 'plate' and 'to eat'!"
Benji: "Umm...yeah."

Roommate 15
Benji love

Would You Let Katzav Near YOUR Daughter?

I so didn't believe this was real when it was forwarded to me that I had to verify its authenticity...yup, it's real (wait for the images to change.)

It's challenging enough to convince Diaspora youth to spend a year in Israel. Do we really want to use our distinguished president as a recruiting tool?

Ok, my loyal readers, I'm offering a free falafel to whoever offers the best caption.

Belated Purim Wrap-Up: WOW.

So Purim has come and gone in this Jewish state of ours...if you haven't done so, be sure to check out a few pictures here. Although I did spend 9 months here back in '92-'93, I barely remember a lot of the experiences, another sign that I ain't a kid anymore. (Other signs include my pants sitting on my waist, as opposed to six inches below my ass, and my willingness to communicate with human beings through spoken word, rather than Instant Messaging.)

"OMG!!! C U L8R!!!" -Average teen

I feel like I'm experiencing a lot of Israel for the first time again, namely the holidays. Hanukkah, while not a major holiday religiously, was incredible to witness here, with sufganiot everywhere and public hadlakat nerots (candle lightings) on the street and in restaurants. I wasn't sure what to expect from Purim but one thing became certain: this was not Halloween.

There's a silly tendency for Americans to compare the two holidays because of, well, the costumes. After growing out of Halloween in my teenage years, I grew back into it in college when it became a reason to go out among a mass of audaciously dressed university students. Halloween was something we prepared for, trying to one-up each other to think of the best costume, or at the least, wear something entertaining, attention-grabbing, and original. It's a damn shame my pictures are boxed up at my parents' house or I'd post some of my personal faves from over the years: Kerri Strug, Hooters girl, and Dennis Rodman (in uniform, not wedding dress). My friend Philip who I spent many a costumes holiday with could always be counted to come up with some original ones as well including "X-rated crossword puzzle".

Remember them?

I spent a long time planning my Purim costume and looking forward to the holiday, only to have the news broken to me by my Israeli friends that "it's more for the kids." In the days leading up to the weekend, I saw a ton of kids (and REALLY cute ones at that) dressed up as your standard kid personalities: dog, princess, Spiderman. And although there were certainly a lot of adults in costume last weekend, it just wasn't to the extent that I expected, especially coming from New York where Halloween is a complete scene. Not only were there a large number of people not in costume, but it appeared that every street block could have been taken straight out of 1955. Pirate, cop, cat...over and over again. Nothing timely or thought-out; no Dr. Evil, no Borat, no Marv Albert with a garter belt and women's panties. I was so proud of my costume until I became self-conscious for not being a cat. I also was a little disappointed at barely seeing oznei Haman ("Haman's ears" or Hamentaschen in the Diaspora) anywhere as opposed to the omnipresence of sufganiot during Hanukkah. At no point did anyone I knew stop to buy one so I made a concerted effort to buy a couple which were just ok.

Fast forward to Sunday. I woke up at 6 AM to make my way down to Holon, the city where "my kids" live, for the "adloyada," the biggest Purim parade in Israel. After the first few days of Purim festivities, I tried to temper my American super-sized expectations to deal with whatever "biggest" meant. The Salute to Israel parade in NYC is mammoth with who-knows-how many thousands of marchers and spectators and I figured this tiny country's effort would pale in comparison.

Boy, was I wrong.

It was unbelievable. There were floats, loud music, kids with silly string (there was at least one, who decided to attack me with it...what can you do but smile?), and all kinds of parade-like visuals including this inflatable centipede carried by my group.

There were throngs of people everywhere...
and the mood was amazing. Walking down the street with everybody in a great mood and cheering...if you were there and couldn't get chills, you should see a doctor. It was so inspiring, precisely the reason I wanted to come to Israel. Listen to me, my loyal readers, and listen closely: EVERY JEW SHOULD SPEND A YEAR OF THEIR LIVES IN ISRAEL. There is nothing...NOTHING...like celebrating the Jewish holidays in the Jewish state. Practical or not, you should do it. After about 15 minutes of my "wows" and "omig-d"s, my boss Michal finally said, "NOW do you think Purim here is a big deal?" Yes, I do. How much was it a big deal?

I can't wait for Passover. I never thought I'd hear myself say THAT.

Oh yes...and my costume. For those of you outside of Israel who didn't hear, Israel was gripped a few months ago by the escape from prison of serial rapist Benny Sela and the ensuing nationwide manhunt. Every street corner of Tel Aviv displayed the following sign with the phrase "Let's catch him together, call 100", urging the public to assist in his capture.

My costume?

I guess I'll return to the pirate costume next year.

(Post-script: Thanks, Amanda, for the much-needed female approval. After hitting "publish", I wondered if I was going to get killed for allegedly making light of rape. To be clear, the shirt wasn't doing that; it was satirizing the ubiquitious sign, the likes of which I don't think had ever been seen before. I hope that's clear.)

What a Party! Purim Pictures, Part One

Purim 2007 (or 5767 to be accurate) has come and gone. A lot to say, no time right now (my internet is down and this beit cafe is closing soon.) Let's get it started with some pictures...

By far, the most convincing costume I saw. Two guys dressed as a horse.

"Lord of the Ehhhhs"

My friend Ari, dressed as Slash. We couldn't find anyone who recognized him which made me feel about 90 years old.

How cute. Two guys dressed as Chassids.

Ok, Purim or not, this mannequin is a little freaky.
Ech omrim "loosen the pants a little, please?"

With security like this, it's no wonder Israel stops so many suicide bombers.
Nice midriff, Officer.

I don't really have anything to say here. Ech omrim "eye candy"?

Enjoy these pictures...an inspired post coming soon. Chag Purim sameach!

I've Been Memed Facebooked iPod

That's the jibberish I talk when I want to make fun of "my kids" and the fact that they live in, and cannot live without, a ridiculous world of technology. My 32 year-old mind cannot comprehend how these 18 year-olds come to Israel for 9 months and spend hours each day on Facebook. A year ago, I was making jokes about MySpace to the high school kids who'd hang out in my office so ain't that a sign of the evolving times? (MySpace: OUT, Facebook: IN) Although I think their generation is crazy, I guess that makes me much like the current 40-somethings who thought we were nuts because we had CDs and liked "Licensed to Ill".

Me and everybody else other kid in the Congregation Beth Torah religious school in 1987:
"Whaddya MEAN they're Jewish???"

So apparently, I've been "memed" by Liza here. What does meme mean? Some kind of internet game of tag where it's my turn to talk about myself and share some things that you, my loyal readers, may not know about me. Since I'm not always sure who is reading, that's a little difficult so I'll try to at least share some interesting things about me for your reading pleasure. (By the way, I met Liza at a writers' networking event a few months ago. Turns out she too went to Young Judaea's Camp Tel Yehudah. As Mel Allen would say, "How ABOUT that?"

Without further ado...(ech omrim "further ado?")

1) I saw Aerosmith with my mother when I was 18. Why you might ask? Because I had just returned from Year Course after 9 months in Israel, had no one to go with, and she wouldn't let me go alone for fear that...well, you can ask her what she feared. Presumably that I would get killed and mutilated by a group of Hell's Angels. In hindsight, with them having moved on to the Alicia Silverstone era, this seems even funnier in spite of the majority of the crowd still being older partiers from the '70s with tattoos, before it was trendy for middle-class people to mutilate their bodies. My friends still love to tease me about this today.

"I was cryyyyyyyin' when I met you...
now I'm dyin' to...hey, is that Benji's mom?"

2) I went to the Kotel the night before the 1993 NFC Championship with my guy friends to pray for a Cowboys victory. Not completely accurate. They went to pray for the Dolphins. Long story short, we arrived past midnight to find that nobody was there. At one point, I had the holiest Jewish site in the world completely to myself. It was the most religious experience of my life, certainly not one to be wasted on a silly football-related note. So who won that next day and went on to win the Super Bowl two weeks later? It's amazing I didn't turn Chassidic after this.

3) I have an older sister Avra and an older brother Steve who live in Dallas and Houston, respectively. Avra has two boys and Steve, two girls. (This is the "tame" fact but since I haven't lived in Texas in 14 years, most people haven't met my family and are surprised to find out that I in fact have one. I've met my friend Joe's parents billions of times in 20 years but he probably wouldn't recognize my parents in a police line-up. When he does see them every ten years or so, he refers to them as "the actors"...since clearly I don't have real parents. "Hey, you got the same actors as last time!")

"Joe, I'd like you to meet my parents."

4) I shaved my head completely bald a couple of times in college around 1995. I have great pictures of me in my friend Andrew's leather jacket, holding a knife and looking angry. I also have some good ones of me rubbing my newly-shaved head against my roommate Dana which caused her to convulse and scream in disgust. I had the Israeli look way back then and didn't even know it. It's a shame all my pictures are in a box in my parents' house.

Two asides:

a) Dana and Andrew are now married and will be visiting Israel this month with their THREE kids!

b) In 2000, after laughing about the website with co-workers, I put two pics of me on the then hot new site, Am I Hot or Not? to compare the ratings. One good one of me in the Negev, and the skinhead one in Andrew's jacket. There was a good 6 points difference between the two.

5) On Year Course, I had a pet chumus named Mordechai. I bought him at Machane Yehuda on a Friday in October and kept him in my dorm room, unaware of the necessary practice of, umm...REFRIGERATING chumus. After a couple of days, surprisingly enough, he started to smell. For reasons which can only be explained by my being 18 and on a program where ridiculous behavior became expected, I decided to keep him, as I did for the remainder of the year through June. Mordechai became the unofficial mascot of my group, appearing in our group picture and even spending the weekend in my friend Evan's dorm room (unbeknownst to her. She was not happy to find out that I had hidden Mordechai in her room.) He would have had his Bar-Mitzvah this past fall, although he somehow went his own way at the end of our first year together. I never saw him again.

Epilogue: a few months later, I started my freshman year of school and was one of the very first people I knew to get (are you sitting down?) an email address. The guy at the computer center asked me for a username with a maximum of eight letters. Not having any understanding of the ramifications of this decision, I said, "I don't know. 'Mordechai'." The 9th letter dropped off and I spend the next three and a half years with the email address mordecha@utexas.uts.edu (or something like that; all the university domain names from then have long since changed.) Since ALMOST NO ONE HAD EMAIL THEN, it wasn't a problem until senior year when I had to begin giving my address to a professor or two.

Professor: "What's....mor-detch-uh?"

Me: "Oh, uh, nothing."

Have fun with those facts. I meme Brian at This Normal Life.

To all of you wherever you are, have a chag Purim sameach. Fun pictures and updates coming soon!