On the heels of this annoying evening, I find this. You'll think the same thing as soon as you see the title of the post...and then you'll get to the end of the paragraph. Too funny. It seems that our reputation precedes us.
How about this for a birthday present?59 years old...not bad, Israel. You've come a long way. In honor of your birthday, let us now honor others who will be turning 59 this year as well.
Samuel L. Jackson: "I want a mother-f*$&ing falafel, mother-f&$%er!"
Steven Tyler: "See saw swingin' with the girls in the school and your feet flying up in the ehhhhhhhh......"
Olivia Newton-John: "Tell me more, tell me more, was your boyfriend an ars?"
Howard Dean: "And we're gonna go to Haifa! And Eilat! And Jerusalem! And then we're gonna go to the Negev! And Rechovot! And kibbutz!" (This still cracks me up, every time)
Richard Simmons:Today was Yom Ha'atzmaut, otherwise known as Independence Day or Israel's 59th birthday. On this day, we celebrate the existence of our country by...what else? EATING MEAT! Here are a few pics from the last 24 hours...
Downtown Jerusalem: if I had a nickel for every religious 17 year-old I saw last night,
Four hundred twenty-three trees were killed in the making of this holiday picnic. Ech omrim "please use the trash receptacle?"
The average Israeli on Yom Ha'atzmaut. I think my cholesterol level tripled.
This is the stage for the musical performers who went on tonight. This bash in Park Hayarkon was put on by Arkadi Gaydamak, linked to above. Tel Aviv really knows how to party. (Though that sounds like sarcasm, it's not.)
Bar...just because.
Q: How do you spot the American on Yom Hazikaron?
The streets going home at the end of the night. Not a car in sight.
For the next hour and a half, Israeli journalist and TV personality Yair Lapid introduced war song after war song, solemnly performed by well-known Israeli singers such as Harel Scott and Sarid Chadad. You didn't have to understand a word to appreciate what was going on. The closer to the center of the event you got, the less talking you heard. To be accurate, there was talking, noise, and the occasional cell phone conversation in the surrounding areas of the square, and pretty much not a peep from where we stood and in front of us. If an alien was to come to planet Earth and try to explain to an outsider only what he saw (not judging what people were feeling or the magnitude of the cause)...the best comparison I can think of would be the post-9/11 tribute concert in New York. Or maybe a comparison isn't fair to either. I don't know WHAT else resembles this public song session.
As the singers performed and people around me joined them in song, I looked around and watched some of the audience members' eyes LOCKED IN on the stage. As they joined the performers in song, I realized that, as powerful as the moment was, I was appreciating it from the perspective of an outsider. Israelis would probably tell me I'm lucky to not be able to appreciate what it means to mourn a lost family member, friend, or even distant acquaintance...and they're right...but I probably represent all immigrants who yearn for the day when they too can understand what their fellow citizens are going through on a day like this.
This morning, at 11:00, the siren wailed across the country as everyone stopped in their tracks for a moment of silence. Here is an incredible video from Lisa of On the Face. This is Rothschild Boulevard, my favorite street in Tel Aviv, a place never lacking for pedestrians, baby carriages, dogs, and at this kiosk, socialite coffee drinkers. Watch.If you haven't been in Israel on this day, I hope you have the chance to do it at some point in your lives. There is nothing else like it. Let us all remember those who fell defending Israel and pray that their families and loved ones heal as best as possible.
In recent news, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas announced the plans to name a street in Ramallah after French President Jacques Chirac. Chirac has won Palestinian support for his opposition to the Iraq War and Israel's actions in the Middle East. Many Palestinians will probably tout Chirac as one of the great world leaders, which is kind of like Marlee Matlin touting "Oops I Did It Again" as one of the great world songs.
"Hit me, baby, one more...ehhhhhhhhhh....."
I and my fellow immigrant friends recently took a field trip down the hall to the computer lab to do some online Hebrew tutorials. Ayze kef!
“Greetings, Professor Falken!
Shall we play a game???”
Thanks to Google, I now know what these guys are saying.
“Girl, you know it’s true. Ooh, ooh, oooooh, I love you…”
I’m in! Veeeeeeeeeery neat. I can now do all kinds of exercises from the confines of my own home. Learning Hebrew is fun! Surely Ben-Yehuda never envisioned this when he revived Hebrew 100 years ago. I wonder if he knows we’re using his computer.
Moving to a new country isn't easy. There are an endless gauntlet of things to acclimate to: the language, finances, health care. Medical care differs significantly from that of the States. In America, a doctor has been through at least four years of college, four years med school, four years of residency, and possibly a couple more of a fellowship. In Israel? Apparently your success as a medical professional is reliant on your ability to dispense the wonder drug known as Acamol in large quantities.
Headache? "Acamol."
Hopefully your family doctor doesn't look like this guy. Bonus points for naming the movie. My loyal readers over 30?When I went for an examination, my surgeon asked if two residents could be present. I felt uncomfortable being undressed in front of extra people, and so I declined. My surgeon scolded me, saying I was preventing the next generation of doctors from being trained. Why is it my responsibility to provide training for medical students? — name withheld, Beit Shemesh, Israel
How in the world did that unfold?
Classic Israeli Cynic: "Ah-lo, mah nishmah?"
Unsuspecting Female Patient: "Good, thank you."
CIC: "Ok, take off shirt."
UFP: "I do feel a tad bit uncomfortable undressing in the company of others."
CIC: "Yiyeh b'sedeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!!! BREASTS, SHMEASTS! TAKE OFF SHIRT ALREADY, NU!?!?!"
I hope this woman had a more understanding gynecologist.
Are you kidding me? This just in from the Jerusalem Post:
Iran on Tuesday condemned a gunman's rampage the previous day at Virginia Tech university which left 33 people dead and was the deadliest shooting rampage in modern US history.In a related story, my butt has condemned my Johnson for being wasteful. I will now return to not paying attention to this story.
"While condemning this [attack], [Iran] expresses condolences with the nation and the families of those killed," Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad Ali Hosseini said in a statement, a copy of which was made available to The Associated Press.
"Attacking innocent people, irrespective of their race and nationality, is contrary to divine and human values no matter which group or person carries out such an act under any name," the Iranian statement said.
Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Mohammad Ali Hosseini, In an effort to negate the ridiculous "Israel is a war zone, it's not safe to visit" mularkey, I recently poked holes with links to recent events of random violence in America. It's easy to emotionally detach and make fun when you're a citizen of a mammoth country of 300 million people with so little national unity; the victims are just more nameless people in an endless and routine news cycle.
There is nothing funny or routine about what happened yesterday at Virginia Tech.
On the day that Israel commemmorated Yom Hashoah, America gathered around the televisions to mourn the loss of innocent university students. When I saw the headline, all I could say was "Oh my G-d...oh my G-d." One of the victims was Israeli professor Liviu Librescu, a senior researcher and lecturer of engineering. Professor Librescu apparently held his classroom door shut in an effort to keep out the gunman, before being shot.
Professor Liviu Librescu, killed yesterday at Virginia TechWell-known rabbi Joseph Telushkin, in his book on Jewish humor, attributes the classic Jewish sense of humor to the need to "laugh to keep from crying."
TIME TO START LAUGHING, FOLKS!
According to this article on the JTA's (Jewish Telegraphic Agency) website, there is an unaddressed problem of anti-Semitism in Israel. I'll give you a second to digest that (or call your local ADL office.)
Ok, who wants to tell Abe? Ari Ackerman, a student from Switzerland, was walking home after a late-night swim along the Tel Aviv beach when he and a friend were jumped by a gang singing Nazi songs and displaying swastika tattoos. The perpetrators, a group of Russian-speaking teenagers, eventually ran off. Ackerman and his friend, their faces bruised and bloodied, set off to the closest police station only to have their case shrugged off.What the...???
In recent years sporadic acts of anti-Semitism have hit Israel, most of them carried out by disaffected immigrant youths from the former Soviet Union. Although the youths came to Israel under the Law of Return, they are among those who identify not as Jews but as ethnic Russians. Experts say the perpetrators of such acts feel rebuffed and marginalized by Israeli society, so they turn their furor into the same anti-Semitism with which they may have been tormented in their countries of birth. (Immigrant Zalman) Gilichinsky said he has been frustrated by what he sees as the relative lack of seriousness with which Israel has taken the issue.How must that play out?
"Reh-gah, the Jew did WHAT???"Gilichinsky said that according to the calls his center receives, there are almost daily incidents. They are exacerbated, he said, by connections forged online between young immigrants here and their counterparts in the FSU through neo-Nazi Web sites and chat rooms. Arieh Turkiments, an immigrant from Vilna...(was)...slapped in the face by another immigrant and cursed for being a Jew. He was standing outside a Jerusalem yeshiva, where he had been attending classes on Judaism. (Editor's note: I don't care if I'm going to hell, that's funny.) Part of the problem, he said, "comes from suffering the trauma of moving from one place to another."Hey, I've had a hard move too. You don't see me beating up grandmothers at Burger Ranch. (Although perhaps that would be a good stress release...)
Israel's next criminal threat???
Last night, en route to my friend Martin's house in Herzliya, I feared for a minute that we might have gotten lost. Fortunately, Martin (who grew up in Texas like me) gave us outstanding directions, as clear and accurate as any I've gotten since I've been here.
From an old entry...
Israelis seem to give directions in a very specific manner which must include the following five things:I wish there existed a reliable site comparable to Google or Yahoo maps for directions but I don't think they compare (and they don't like my Mac either.)
1) They first look off in the general direction of the destination, deep in thought, despite the fact that they probably live in this neighborhood and should have no problem telling you where you’re going.
2) They say the word “yashar” (straight) no less than 457 times while doing the “keep going” motion with their arm, before ending it with “ad ha sof” (until the end).
3) They do not give you a single street name.
4) They do not tell you how to get where you need to go, causing you to ask someone else one block later.
5) Repeat steps 1-4.
If the directions don’t include these five things, you’ve just spoken with a foreigner.
"This entity is the root of all health problems in the world.
We must wipe them off the face of the earth!"
-Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's personal trainer
Hey, it's Lollapalooza!
Popular question: "What can olim chadashim (new immigrants)As the sun sets and the Sabbath queen prepares to arrive, I thank the Lord above for my safety in this war zone that is Israel. Just last week, I ran into my friend and former co-worker Lymore in Nachalat Binyamin, an artist market in Central Tel Aviv. Do not be fooled by the throngs of tank-topped pedestrians in the background, out and about enjoying the 70-degree weather. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, MY LOYAL READERS!!! CNN NEVER LIES!!!
Soon after running into her, we jumped into the nearest bomb shelter and put on 487 gas masks between us.
Lymore and Benji, immediately before we jumpedWe're approaching the 11th hour with no phone call yet. Perhaps she spilled something on my business card, much like Kramer did to Uma Thurman's number. (Of course, there is something inherently flawed with any analogy involving Kramer and Uma Thurman which has me playing the role of Uma.)
In any event, as the day moves closer to sundown and Pesach approaches, I want to wish you all a chag Pesach sameach wherever you are. May we all enjoy a year of freedom and pray for liberation for those still enslaved.
More later...
