No Wonder Some People are Afraid to Come

As we all know too well from following the news, things have once again been heating up in the Middle East. There is a real danger these days which shows no signs of abating at least for a few months. That’s right…it’s matkot season.


Matkot, according to Wikipedia, “or beach paddleball, is a popular traditionally non-competitive game in Israel, sometimes called Israel's unofficial national sport.” It is played with two players who attempt to hit the ball back and forth as many times as humanly possible, creating a high-risk environment where beachgoers can enjoy the possibility of being hit in the head by a ball flying at Mach-2. The object of the game is somewhat unclear. While matkot advocates claim that it is a leisure sport, like frisbee, involuntary spectators have found more accurate comparisons to games such as Chinese water torture and banging your skull against the wall.

The Muslim fundamentalists have their terrorism summer camps. Israeli children have matkot. So sad to see another lost generation of youth.

I urge you, my loyal readers, to kickstart a hasbara (advocacy) campaign and alert the world to the matkot wars being waged on the Mediterranean. How long will we sit back and watch innocent beachgoers live in fear of flying matkot balls??? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Ok, readers, what other safe games can we suggest to make the beach fun for all?

Here are a few favorites that you might find beachgoers partaking in…
1) Pee in the sea undetected
2) Spot the American
3) Sit in the café’s beach chair without paying the roving guy 12 shekels

Let’s hear from you! MAKE THE BEACH SAFE FOR ALL!!!!!!!!!

Don't Expect to See These Guys on the Fortune 500 List Any Time Soon

Hat tip to my buddy Tal for this one...

This recent NY Times article talks about the latest breed of jihadists in Gaza, Lebanon, and other places I won't be visiting before hell freezes over (although I hear Khan Yunis is lovely this time of year.)

No need to read the whole thing-I'll summarize for you.

"Bomb terror fundamentalist terror terror bomb bomb"

(That reminds me...hey, all you kids who grew up at summer camp! Remember this song? "I said a boom chicka boom!"

Here's one verse you may not have learned as a kid...terrorist style!

"I said a bomb chicka bomb!

I said a bomb chicka bomb!

I said a bomb chicka bomb!

I said a bomb chicka bomb!

I said a bomb chicka jihad chicka jihad chicka bomb!"

Brings back memories, don't it? Good thing I'm spending my summer at Jewish summer camp. But alas, I digress...)

The funny part of the article though (and let's be honest, what's NOT funny about Muslim fundamentalists?) is this:

The Army of Islam in Gaza is similarly shady, Mr. Mhaisin said. “It’s very
difficult to find a detailed description of such groups,” he said. “It’s like
the movement of ghosts, but there are signs: the burning of Internet cafes,
statements on the Internet, various fatwas.”

Hmm...issuing statements on the internet...and then burning down internet cafes. Sounds like somebody needs to improve their strategic planning. What's next? Building nuclear bombs and then blowing up the reactors? Great idea, boys! What, pray tell, do their internet statements read like?

“Welcome to killjews.com! If you are reading this on our website, WE WILL KILL YOU!!!!!!! Please tell your friends to read our very important message. For some reason, every time our traffic goes up, our readers die!

This RSS feed will self-destruct in 3...2...1..."

NOW how am I going to run my fantasy football team?

I was going to blog for them but, really, what Israeli citizen can afford to support 72 virgins? I can't even afford to shop at AM/PM.

"Feesh don't fry een deh keetchen! Deh beans don't burn on deh...ehhhhhhhh..."

With my lease ending in a few months, I'll be looking for a new apartment soon. Anyone who lives in Tel Aviv knows how tough that can be. From my perspective? It's not so different from the search in New York...just in another language. If this sounds familiar, it's because I went through the same thing 10 months ago. After making it without a living room this year, I'm definitely looking to move on up to something nicer. Next stop?

In terms of location, it shouldn't be so difficult. Generally speaking, there's Central Tel Aviv...and there's Central Tel Aviv. The city is small which I think adds to the charm (and you thought it was the congenial nature at the Central Bus Station...) However, my friend and former co-worker Ari is considering a neighborhood called Florentine, a more artsy, rugged neighborhood which you might compare to the Village. (Am I the only American who ever noticed the tendency of every major city in the States to compare one of its neighborhoods to the Village, often unsuccessfully? Some cities can't even settle on just one. Atlanta: "Oh, the Virginia-Highlands is JUST like the Village!...Oh, Little Five Points is JUST like the Village!")

Seriously? This place is just like the Village.

Biggest Florentine pro: cool guy as roommate, nightly men activities left to your imagination
Biggest Florentine con: close proximity to Alpha Centauri

Mine would be the two bedroom right over there...

When I asked my last roommate Hila what she thought, here was her take:

Benji: "What do you think of Florentine?"
Hila: "I don't like eet so much...eet is like Gaza."
Benji: "Huh, what does that mean?"
Hila: "There are many druggers, you know?"


Oh, those crazy druggers!!!!!!!!!!


When looking for an apartment, you had better be ready to jump on a place quickly. It's a competitive jungle out there, my loyal readers. If I had any doubts, the guy at the kiosk down the street made it pretty clear when I was packing up my last place.


"Hi, do you have any empty boxes?"
"Bohk-sehs? For waht?"
"Moving."
"(suddenly not so interested in boxes) Ehhhh...where do you leev?"
"Ummm...(trying to disregard everything Officer Friendly taught me in 1st grade)...right over there."
"How many rooms you have?"

For now, I'm in the States for the summer with no rush. More on all THAT later...until then, I can dream. Right, Weezie?