"SERENITY NOOOOOOW!!!!"*

A Google search of "Israeli bureaucracy" brings up phrases such as "struggle", "coping", and "what have I done to deserve this?" Ok, I made the last one up. But talk to any native Israeli or immigrant and you're bound to hear stories of not just long lines, but decisions void of logic made at the whim of the particular clerk you get at any given time. With this in mind and sense of humor by my side, I decided to brave the Tel Aviv municipality building recently in pursuit of one of my aliyah benefits.

Located in Rabin Square, the iriya building is home to Tel Aviv's city council. For those of you who don't speak Hebrew, "iriya" is loosely translated as "in exactly what year did this building look nice???"

• I walk into the office which houses services related to arnona (municipality tax), water, among other things. The closest thing I can compare it to in America is the DMV. Who's excited to go now? That's sort of like someone describing your blind date as "the closest thing to Leona Helmsley."
• A quick look around reveals a surprisingly high degree of organization. Colored signs detailing each department hang from the ceiling, TV screens display the next number, and a woman sits by the door handing you your lucky number. Jesus, what's the interview like for that job?

Interviewer: "Ehhhh...how are you at extending your arm while holding a small piece of paper."
Candidate: "Zzzzzz......"
Interviewer: "You're hired!"

• In the middle of the floor is a sign for sheirut atzmi, self-service. You can even make or apply for IDs of some kind. I'm using Shaq's picture and naming myself McLovin.

My new teudat zahut. The camera adds 165 pounds.

• My number is 159א. The screen shows 109. Fasten your seat belts.
• "nah nah NAH NAH! nah NAH! nah NAH! nah nah NAH NAH! nah nah NAH NAH! nah NAH! MY ARNONA!" (They can't all be winners, folks. I have an hour to kill.) On that note, I'd like to revise my rankings of worst 3 Israeli names. Osnat, Dudu, and Moran...meet Arnona, Shilshula, and Chumusia. (If they're not names, they should be.)
  
• I'm used to government offices issuing licenses and passports. This one deals with Easy Park and water...where do I go for my falafel discount?
• The guy sitting next to me is talking on his bluetooth. Seriously, where do we go from here? Chopping off your friend's ear and walking around talking into it?
• Of course the government workers in Israel are hot...eat your heart out, DMV. Is anyone surprised? I just sent that mesage in an SMS to my buddy Tal accompanied by the word "shwing". If this were 1992, that would have been funny.
• Time to take a walk. I approach the number-giving woman and ask "When is it not busy here?" She replies, "8-9...b'seder. Acharei (after)? Balagan! (chaos)" I love that word. I always imagine barn doors opening and farm animals running amok with clowns and noisemakers.
• (Yawn) This is boring. Where's the yelling, dammit? I'm not leaving till I witness at least one confrontation. I pick up the customer evaluation "how are we doing?" form. The top says "your opinion is important to us." Yes, and I have a bridge in Tehran to sell you. What do you think they do with these forms? Start the Lag B'Omer fires? Fold them up and put them in the Kotel? After a hard 8 hour day, do the workers go out for a Goldstar and exclaim "Dudu, look! Dees guy said deh wait was too lohng. BAAAAA HA HA HA HA!!!!!", slapping each other on the backs and stomping their feet?

Shouldn't the numbers go right to left?
I guess it's gonna end up in the trash anyway.

• It's been an hour and we're at 154א. Can you feel the tension mounting???
• 156! I'm just waiting to hear what necessary documentation I'm missing...like 2 passport pictures and a urine sample.
• 157...
• What? They just went back to 156. What, am I watching "Memento"?
• 159! As I approach the woman, I'm desperately trying not to crack up laughing, waiting for the adventure to begin. She looks at my lease and doesn't see my name on it. I pull out the sublease addendum. If she says no, I won't even be able to fight. I'm just gonna start laughing.
• And then it happens..."Here eez deh proh-blem." Oh, dear G-d. There's a problem and she's right. My lease, which both my roommates have signed and are bound to, has expired and neither the landlord nor they bothered to do anything about it even before I moved in. Seriously? I signed the addendum with my name on it...call me crazy but it didn't occur to me that the lease might not be valid. I suppose I could have tried to read it in Hebrew. After that, I could have also tried landing on the sun.
  

B'seder, whaddya gonna do? After having my landlord make a new lease, I returned to the iriya shortly thereafter and dealt with it. Not so bad, all in all. I usually make sure to speak poor Hebrew and look homely, sort of the equivalent of the woman batting her eyelashes at the cop who pulls her over. Not that anyone finds it attractive, but I figure it can't hurt, right? And when you're at a government office, you probably need all the help you can get.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a number. I'll probably need something done six months from now.

*Serenity Now

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No Connection to Hooters, Really

Just a coincidence that I'm posting this the same day, but here is an article I recently wrote for Israel21C, a site that publishes stories about 21st century Israel's contributions to technology, culture, and more. It's about Israeli fashion guru Adi Barkan and his efforts to fight eating disorders in the Israeli modeling world. Interesting stuff.

Update: this story was picked up in the Jerusalem Post. See here. Exciting!

Catching Up....Seinfeld in Israel

I know I'm a few days late but this is for anyone who might have missed it.

There's other stuff on Youtube including a funny exchange where Jerry pokes fun at Shimon Peres for admitting he doesn't know about computer animated movies. The famous comedian (Seinfeld, not Peres) spent his four days here promoting his new movie, traveling around Jerusalem, and visiting Kibbutz Saar where he volunteered back in 1970.

And although I unfortunately did not get to meet him, I did have my day in the sun with our current President, back in the day. Here it is if you missed it...

BREAKING NEWS: Hooters Israel!

Hello, my loyal readers: after a prolific October, seems that it's been a while since our last posting. But here's a story I can't ignore, especially since I can't miss being what seems to be the first to press with this groundbreaking story, and because I had an exclusive invite to yesterday's private opening night party...without further ado...HOOTERS ISRAEL!!!

And just like that, orange takes on a new meaning in Israel. The logo as seen on the sign is the traditional one; no Hebrew translation. The restaurant is located down the street from Ikea, near Netanya. The biggest question everyone seems to have is "why not Tel Aviv?"
Not sure. I forgot to ask.

Sparklers kick off the event. "Ehhh...Dudu! The TV! Mah zeh NASCAR???" The place was packed. I was able to easily identify the Americans, as there were several there from the US Embassy and armed forces. I even ran into someone I'd met before whose picture was posted here a couple of months back (is it wrong to out someone at Hooters? I'll just be vague.)

Not bad! But where's the blue cheese dressing? All the food and drinks were free. Wings, onion rings, calamari, and even a sighting of mozzarella sticks. Definitely unlike any other meal I've eaten in Israel. And the answer is no, there was no chumus.

Yes, she's Israeli.

At least half the staff, including the waitresses and cooks, were flown in from America for a couple of weeks, creating some surreal interactions. Watching "Osnat" and "Bethany" do the verbal tango over who was going to carry the wings tray was high comedy. Can you play "find the American" in this picture?

If I'm not mistaken, they're doing the mayim step. About this time, roughly 483 male patrons congregated to take pictures. (Ok, I guess I was one of them. Hey, I'm a media member.) I saw someone carrying a microphone from Walla! along with many other cameramen. I was a little surprised that the peace talks were scheduled for the same day but it's the busy season, I guess.

Much, much more to report, coming soon.

On that note, look what I just dug out of the archives from Halloween 1999: an unidentified Hooters waitress with Run DMC. I think I got hit on by a cop that night. How many readers did I just lose?

Who Felt That?

Either that was G-d telling me I need to post more or I just felt an earthquake. I thought it might just be something in my building until my friend Laz in Jerusalem just confirmed it.

No word on the news sites yet.

12:00 PM And here's the first article.

ALIENS HAVE INVADED DELTA!!!!!

I am not one for conspiracy theories but something is amiss in Delta-Israel! Please see the letter I recently received from their customer service department after having problems during a recent check-in.


Some of the red flags:

• "Thank you..."
• "We are sorry..."
• "We regret that..."
• "...we apologize for..."
• "Again, thank you..."
• "...accept our sincerest apology..."
• And the kicker..."please find attached our check in the amount of...US$50."

Does anyone else see something strange going on??? There is only one plausible explanation: ALIENS HAVE INVADED DELTA AND ARE USING THEIR BODIES AS HOST ORGANISMS!!!

Does anyone have connections in the media??? Considering this letter is dated a month ago, they've done a great job of covering their tracks but they failed to recognize one thing: no American immigrant would ever believe this letter ever came from Israeli customer service.

So please, my loyal readers, spread the word, make a phone call, DO SOMETHING!!! THE FUTURE OF THE JEWISH STATE IS AT STAKE!!!

(My family members, if I mysteriously disappear in the immediate future, I love you. Please give my Aerosmith CDs to someone who'll appreciate them.)

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