"Roads? Where We're Going, We Don't Need...Roads"

Get ready, my loyal readers-we'll be hitting the proverbial 88 miles per hour soon enough. Big changes coming to this War Zone shortly.

First thing I should tell you is - Mom, you can just ignore this part if it stresses you out - that I just installed a Feedburner widget on this site. From this point on, those of you who read this via RSS should use the following address: http://feeds.feedburner.com/WhatWarZone

"1.21 gigashekels!"
"What the hell is a gigashekel?"
Greatest movie I had ever seen when 1985 came along.

At some point in the future, I'll change....arrrrgh, I just talked to my genius friend Jonah who explained this to me, and like Negev sand in my palm, the lingo has all slipped away.

Ok, Web 2.0 geniuses, you know what to do. Start using that URL or click on the new icon on the right because the current one may not work once I make "the big switch" (whatever that means.)

In other news, I went to the launch party for Israel21c.org's new website tonight. Hey, friends of mine, is the new one "open for business" yet? Man, I'm just breaking down here at 12:56 in the morning.

It's interesting when you watch the blogosphere come alive. I saw Liza from Something Something, Stephanie from Stefanella's Drive-Thru, and met Harry of The View From Here who I'd exchanged emails with in the past. To top it off, I even became Facebook friends with Aussie Dave just an hour ago. Ok, I think that's all my shout-outs. Shabbat shalom.

I Love Ynet: PLAYOFFS, HERE WE COME!

Good morning, my loyal readers! The feedback I've gotten from a couple of my close friends is that they most enjoy reading about my personal stories and experiences, rather than commentary on news stories. I agree-recaps at the iriya are more fun to write but also more time-consuming. And really...when Ynet keeps making it so easy to poke fun, how can I resist? I'm a couple days late on this story but better late than never.

As the world continues to worry about a nuclear Iran, I offer these words of encouragement:

WORRY NO MORE!!!

This just in from Vegas: Israel by 3.5

Need I say more?

Israeli Sex Festival: I’m Not Touching These Punchlines with a Ten-Foot… (Oy)

According to an article today on Ynet, the first ever Israeli sex festival will be coming to the Holy Land in February. Frankly, I don’t know what’s more shocking: the things we can expect at “Sextival” or the coverage in the linked article.

What in the world IS that??? If you really want to know…I’ll let you follow the link yourself.
Hint: …….I can’t even go there, never mind.

What else does Ynet tell us?

The three-day event promises to bring ordinary Israelis closer to the wilder aspects of the commandment to procreate through strip shows, innovative sex toy exhibits and presentations on various fetishes.

It’s not exactly a dangling participle (ech omrim “dangling participle”?) but what’s with the sentence construction there, Ynet? I haven’t talked to the Rebbe in a while but I wasn’t aware of the commandment to procreate through strip shows. That must have just missed the two tablets.

Vayomer Hashem el Moshe Laymor:
“Moses! Take the Children of Israel into Canaan! But first, to Scores!”

And what’s an “ordinary Israeli?” According to dictionary.com, “ordinary” means “plain or undistinguished: ordinary clothes.” I’m not going to indict all Israelis in the incredibly stylish city of Tel Aviv, but man, I have seen some ridiculous UN-ordinary clothes out there. What is the DEAL with the English t-shirts people wear in this country? I won’t go into detail…you can see a good unordinary example here.

(Organizer Nitzan Kirshenboim) even contacted legendary industry icon Hugh Hefner, who has agreed to host in his mansion the lucky few who will win a raffle that will be held at the event.

I don’t even know what to say about this. Take a stab, commenters. I’ll see you at the festival.

Still reading? Sign up for updates on the right! It's the 13th commandment. Just after procreation through off-shore gambling.

"Buy Our T-Shirts, You Fat Americans!"

Hello, my loyal readers and visitors from Jpost's Must See list! To those of you new to this War Zone, feel free to look around and stay a while. And Merry Christmas to any non-Jewish subscribers out there...

So this day started like most others, with me hopping online to check news and sports scores from the night before. While reading Jpost.com, I happened to spot an ad for "Major League Shirts in Hebrew." Ok, I'm a sports fan, I'll check it out.

Hmm...where are my Texas Rangers? Strangely absent. And the Montreal Expos haven't existed since 2004. Also a little weird. Unless you offer me 2004 prices, I may have to shop elsewhere.

Anyway, I figured I'd take a look at one of their shirts and clicked on the New York Yankees. The description reads as follows:

Show your love and support for your favourite team, as well as your sense of fun - with this great t-shirt featuring the insignia of the New York Yankees baseball team on the front.

Notice anything? The British spelling of "favorite" which is certainly not a crime, although probably not the best marketing tactic when selling baseball shirts to Americans, although it does begin to explain the extent of their knowledge of baseball. I half expect to see a shirt for "Brooklyn Dodgers" any time now...

But take a look at the shirt sizes.

Could this be any more specific? My kid turns six and a half tomorrow. WHAT TO DO???????

But keep scrolling down...

XL? XXL? XXXXL???? HOW FAT DO THEY THINK WE ARE? Apparently Israelis aren't the only ones in need of some good hasbara. Sure, the world may not hate us...they just think we eat Big Macs seventeen times a day. I always found it a little weird to see people walking around with the shirt that says "XXXL" on the front. Why not just write "I am enormous"?

I just chose "XXXXL" and entered "3" in the Quantity box, displaying the following message:
"Sorry, Yankee-we are unable to accommodate your order. The mailman suffered a slipped disk lifting the box. Lose some weight, fatso."

All this web surfing has got me hungry. Time for breakfast. But what to eat on a poor writer's salary? Too bad Israel doesn't have Arby's... Oh yeah...that's not unhealthy. Does it come with a free session with a gastroenterologist?

What better a X-mas present than free "What War Zone???" email updates!? Sign up on the right!

More Yiyeh B'seder: "NO, YOU DID NOT."

Hello, my loyal readers! It's time to revisit one of the War Zone's favorite phrases, as discussed here and here. We already heard yiyeh b'seder with regards to Iran's nuclear ambitions...could it ever be topped?

Last night, while walking home, I came upon an ambulance a few meters from my building loading a man on a stretcher. He was immobilized with constraints around his head and body. Distressed by the sight, I asked a bystander "is everything ok?!?!?"

Oh no, she didn't.

Yes, she did.

Global warming?
YIYEH B'SEDEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Now a Quick Word from Our Sponsors...

Or am I their sponsor? Anyway, a plug for a couple of things that came across my virtual desk recently.

The Jewish Reconnection Project is a web-only mini series which shows young Jews in New York and Jerusalem talking to each other and sharing how their Judaism affects their lives. It'’s meant to give viewers a sense of the diversity of Jews around the world and to let college-age people express their own ideas about Judaism with the goal of creating a stronger, healthier Jewish community. The JRP is the baby of Todd Schechter in New York whom I haven't met, although we do share 3 mutual friends according to a certain social networking site.

Whatever you do, don't become friends with this guy.

IsraelVintage: Icons on T-shirts sells t-shirts online decorated with icons "collected along the way" through Israel's 60 years. The site itself reminds me of one of my faves, Busted Tees, in its appearance and models (although there is currently no Hebrew version of "Don't Tase Me, Bro". Nobody steal the idea...IT'S MINE, DO YOU HEAR ME???)

Shabbat shalom, everybody.

"No End-eeng? No Proh-blem!"

According to my friend Steph over at Israelity, it seems that a movie theater in Eilat accidentally got a shortened copy of "The Golden Compass". With that piece of knowledge, my loyal readers, can you identify the oddest truth about this story?



A) That they did in fact RECEIVE a copy of the movie with no ending
B) That this theater is still SHOWING the movie at a discounted price
C) That moviegoers are actually TAKING THEM UP on this insane offer
D) A and B
E) B and C

F) I'm laughing too hard to answer
G) Are you still reading this?

Says Steph: “Shlomit” of the cinema told local press that the replacement film will be in Israel in a few days but in the interim…"anyway it’s the last few minutes and nobody misses anything anyways."

Huh??? Would these people have paid to see a shortened version of “The Usual Suspects" or “The Sixth Sense”?

Shmulik: "Ehhhhhhh...Dudu! Did you see deh new Bruce Wee-lees movie?"
Dudu: "Yes, yes, it was great!"
Shmulik: "And I kent bee-leev he recovered so good after that gunshot wound at the beginning."

(awkward silence)

Dudu: "What ahr you, stoo-peed? Noooo!!!!! Why you go to theater with bad copy???"

"I see cheap people!"

You get what you pay for.

This is Where My Taxes are Going?

As if this wasn't silly enough...

Now it turns out that the Knesset may be renaming the term "maternity break" because it implies that mothers are on some kind of vacation.

“The word ‘break’ makes it seem as though the parents are taking a long vacation on a beach somewhere, and can then return to work tanned, rested and happy,” says MK Melchior.

“The truth of the matter is that the exact opposite is true: The months following the birth of a child are a trying, exhausting, time for new parents, and are incredibly demanding both physically and mentally.

In an unrelated story, a group of pregnant mothers have submitted an initiative to rename the government. Said twenty-nine year old Ruti Guf-tov, "The word 'government' makes it seem as though our representatives are leading our country."

Because this delicious snack contains neither chicks nor peas, effective immediately,
it will henceforth be referred to as Michelle.

Eat Your Heart Out, Ray's Pizza

In the spirit of Ray's, Famous Ray's, Original Ray's, and the like...

From Sunday's New York Times Magazine...the Ethicist!

While negotiating the sale of his share of a small shawarma restaurant to a friend of his, my husband learned that a famous shawarma chain is opening a branch near the restaurant. He fears that if he tells the friend, he will back out of the deal. It feels wrong to withhold this information. Must he tell? — Wendy Schor-Haim, Tel Aviv

Famous shawarma chain??? Huh? Yeah, because any Israeli can recite on command the top 10 famous shawarma places. That's like saying "Tel Aviv's famous stray cat." These places aren't exactly known for their differentiation.

Without further ado...Israel's top 10 famous shawarma places!!!

10) The one on the corner with this poster

Yeah, that narrows it down.

5) The one with the Baba Sali on the wall

4) The one where the guy behind the counter is extremely proficient not only at cramming as many tosefot (additions) into the pita as possible, but doing so only seconds after finishing his cigarette. Ech omrim "wash your hands, Shmulik"?

Ok, that's enough...

So what did the Ethicist say?

Each party in the sale of a company is expected to exercise due diligence on his own behalf, availing himself of public information like that surrounding a famous chain’s expansion plan. Seller and buyer must respect the law and fair business practices, but because each party wants to maximize its benefit at the other’s expense, both must also heed the rule of caveat emptor.

Fair business practices? Dude, have you been here before? I have to threaten civil litigation to convince the taxi driver to use the meter! "No, I will not pay 50 shekels to get from Ben-Yehudah to the shuk! I can see it from here!"

How Israeli cab drivers apparently see Americans

So how did the story end? Happily, as the shawarma rumor turned out to be just that...a rumor. A national pizza chain came in its place. Mmm...pizza.

For another Israel-related Ethicist question...

(Thanks, Larry and Nadine.)

Ha!

The latest tour of Avi Liberman and his Crossroads Comedy tour has just about concluded and last night was the Tel Aviv show. All proceeds benefit the Crossroads Center in Jerusalem and their at-risk teens, of whom Caryn Green is director. I'm proud to say I've been friends with both of them since we all grew up together in Young Judaea in Texas.

From the left: Avi Liberman (Comedy Central, Late Late Show)
Mark Schiff (regular opener for Jerry Seinfeld)
Reggie McFadden (In Living Color, Curb Your Enthusiam)

Top: John Mulrooney (Tonight Show)
Umm...some blogger guy

Reggie and John, neither of whom are Jewish, had the crowd in stitches with their best efforts at Hebrew and perspectives on life here. John had a great joke about Jews always being unhappy and pessimistic, pulling out a 50 shekel bill which has Shai Agnon looking pained, head in hand, seen here.

Doing a Q&A after the show for the packed house.

Ynet article
Jpost article

Really Though, What Kind of a Name is Zohan?

I guess Dudu would have confused Americans.

As I mentioned here, the upcoming Judd Apatow film stars Adam Sandler (along with a few Israeli actors) as a former Mossad agent who moves to New York to become a hairdresser. Hard to tell if it's going to be funny although Apatow usually makes winners. Here's the new trailer.

Are They On To Me?

Only a short while after this (and this), Ynet has changed their site.

BEFORE

AFTER

Have the editors been checking out What War Zone??? After all, it is now linked from Jpost's Blogroll. C'mon, Ynet, hire me already.

I can't wait to see what they do next.

Seriously, Ynet?

I'm one more ridiculous headline this week from making a Ynet category in this blog. This is what greeted me when I clicked onto their site this morning.


Most Israelis are not racist. They spent money on a poll to tell us this? Wow-way to raise the bar, populace. What's tomorrow's paper going to say?

"Poll: Most Israelis do not beat their dogs after snorting cocaine."

So Much for this Journalist Winning the Pulitzer Any Time Soon...

Ok, I hate to draw attention away from anything but the disgusting, sad topic of this article, but the author makes it so hard not to.Really? THAT'S the word of choice? Would "go number one" have put this article over the maximum word count? Sorry to make light of this but, please, a little journalistic integrity?

Update (5:18 PM): They changed the wording. How thoughtful.

New to this war zone??? Sign up for updates on the right for more good times. Welcome, readers of Jeneration, a new site backed by the Reform movement in the UK.

Damn You, Bird

To the bird who lost his bowels on my In N' Out shirt on the clothesline...

1) I hope you die a quick death.
2) Can you say "Alka Seltzer?"

Hey, Thanks for the Support

Another one from Israelity...

So it’s been about 16 months since I made aliyah. As in any move, there have been ups and downs but overall, things have been great. And they better be great because any oleh chadash (new immigrant) can expect to answer questions like “so ehhh….why you deed aliyah?” about 400,000 times. When Joe Israeli would ask me this, I used to say something to the effect of

“Well, I came on a six-week trip when I was fifteen and just fell in love with this place. Whenever I would visit, something inside me felt alive and until I gave living here a shot, I knew there would always be a hole in my Jewish identity. In one word? Zionism.”

It’s right around that time that his eyes start to roll to the back of his head and he short-circuits. So now I stick to the second answer: “I lost a bet.” It’s more fun to confuse them.

The average Israeli when I explain why I decided to uproot myself

and build a new life in this country.

I’ve also learned that there’s a big difference in what Israelis say to you before you move to Israel…and AFTER. Before? Everything’s roses! “Why you not leev here? Eet’s greeeeat! Byoo-tee-fool beaches! Byoo-tee-fool WEE-men! (wink wink) Ayn makom acher! (There is no other place.)”

After?

“What ahr you, CRAY-ZEE??? I have cousin in New York, he eez meel-yon-air!!!” Hey, what happened to the first guy? “Oh, he move to New Jehr-zee…he work at mall, making lots of mah-nee.”

This place makes me laugh.

BREAKING NEWS: Two Jewish States!

Here's something I posted on Israelity the other day.

According to this story in Ynet, the religious organization SOS Israel is planning to set up a new state in the West Bank should the Israeli government decide to withdraw in a peace agreement. This, from Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpo:

“First of all we must understand that ‘it will come to pass,’ in other words- to internalize the lessons of the cruel expulsion from Gush Katif and to cease living in illusions. It is upon us to choose if we want to be brought to the slaughter, God forbid, or to stand up for our lives against the government’s intentions. There is no doubt then that the only solution is to immediately declare the establishment of an autonomous Jewish state in Judea and Samaria. The time has come to seriously consider erecting a legal body that will unite the Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria as a state-to-be,” Rabbi Wolpe wrote.

This is amazing, my loyal readers! Just over 100 years ago, Theodore Herzl dreamed of a Jewish state. Did anyone ever dream in this lifetime that we would see a second??? Just imagine…

Twice the pushing!

Twice the bureaucracy!

TWICE THE HOOTERS!!!!

A new Jewish state in the West Bank? WHY NOT???

Here is my nomination for the national anthem.

Two Jewish states...the possibilities are truly endless. Just one question: can we send the arsim to the other one?

Oh, those crazy talkbackers

I have a love/hate relationship with online news. I like the immediacy of it but I hate…ok, I’ll say it. I hate the commenters at the bottom. At least when it comes to the Middle East. Could these individuals be the most angry, hateful people on the planet?

Average exchange…

Article: “The peace talks began in Annapolis today…”

Commenter: “I HATE ISRAEL!!! DEATH TO THE ZIONISTS!!!” Signed, Tom from Cleveland

The article could be about anything. “Falafel is a tasty snack.” THE OCCUPATION MUST END!!!!

How could this cause so much anger in the world?

This just in! The Guinness Book of World Records has just confirmed this record-breaking achievement: just a few minutes ago, in only a single comment, a commenter managed to insert politics into a conversation that it had no business being in.

This Ynet article announces the brand-new 2 shekel coin entering circulation. What is the very first response?

Ugly but...the only nice thing about it is that it has Arabic letters! The language of the native of people of Palestine.

-Samadar _____, Jerusalem, Palestine

Mazal tov, Samadar! Guinness has also confirmed that you have more time than anyone in the world. Your prize is a lifetime subscription to every cable channel on TV and a free Tivo. That should help fill your schedule.

Update! (5:17 PM)
Comment #2: #1 shut up. you ignorant fool (ari)

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!

Chag sameach to all!

From Tel Aviv, chag sameach to everyone! A couple of Youtube videos...

From some NBA stars...Happy Chanukkah!

Here's a new video, made by a couple of people doing improv with me. I don't know the original song from "Rent" but if you do, maybe you'll like it. Three years living in New York and I never saw it...tsk tsk.

No Need to Divide Jerusalem, There's Enough to Go Around

Before a recent trip to the nation's capital, I was surprised to learn from weather.com that Jerusalem was at the time 34 degrees but felt like 20. (I always wondered why they had to report both the actual temperature and the wind chill. "Today in Swampscott, it's 84 degrees and sunny but it feels like fourteen Kelvin." I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT TO WEAR!!!! Will it be Jams or a turtleneck? Stop with all the numbers. (Ain't no way I'm not shooting to top of all the Jams Google searches after this. Ahh...brings me back to 5th grade. And who knows how to say "turtleneck" in Hebrew? Ten points for the first right answer.)

Once upon a time, everybody wore these. Really. No, seriously!

Aha-upon further investigation, I realized that I had accidentally selected "Jerusalem, Arkansas." Huh...that's interesting. Definitely not on my list of topdesired destinations any time soon. So just what is Jerusalem, Arkansas? How many Chassidim do they have there? What's on their Ben-Yehudah Street?

I thought I'd do a Super Bowl-style breakdown to see which place ranks supreme. Jerusalem, Arkansas (J-Ark) vs Jerusalem, Israel (JI). Let's do it.

NEWS
Surprisingly, a search of Google News revealed not even a single story for J-Ark. Slow day, I guess. In the Holy Land, in a landmark battle of the Israeli Football League, the Big Blue Jerusalem team trounced Mike's Place Tel Aviv, 48-6. You had to believe it to see it...in the final two minutes, Big Blue pulled off the rarely seen "triple schnitzel reverse" play, worth a whopping 43 points by Israeli rules, handing MP a painful defeat.
Advantage: JI

PEOPLE:
In an effort to meet a nice apartment-mate, I tried to register for J-Ark on roommates.com. After filling out the required fields, I was greeted with this message.

Internet fraud??? Who am I, David from "War Games"??? Contact customer support? No, thank you.

On the other hand, here is a recent email from my friend Lizzi in JI.

you know, even if i'm not around, which i won't be until later in the evening, feel free to hit ____# and come up (dial slowly) and put the key inside. blessings lizzi

That's hospitality, folks. I needed a place to stay and this local resident stepped up. (By the way, Lizzi, when you were away, I tried on all your clothes. Just kidding...OR AM I??????)
Advantage: JI, with some scared readers

DINING OUT: Hmm...where to eat in J-Ark? A search of restaurants revealed not even one on the unrivaled culinary source...umm...Big Daddy Data. And who is that character at the top of the screen, Barney's albino cousin? Put some clothes on and start reviewing restaurants, buddy.

JI? Here's a quick sample of local cuisine including the popular Tmol Shilshom cafe. I had some delicious salmon ravioli there once. And the sachlab...OOOOOH, THE SACHLAB!!!!!!
Advantage: JI

MOBILE HOME COMMUNITIES
What, you were hoping for a shutout?
Advantage: J-Ark

Take THAT, Israel.

FAMOUS FORMER RESIDENT
J-Ark? Yikes. Let's give a little help. About 175 miles down the road is the city of Hope. My American friends know who hails from there. A good friend of Israel, former President Bill Clinton. Whatever your politics, smart guy...compassionate. JI? Move over, Bill...check out your competition. Yep, she was born in the Holy City. Furthermore, she went to Hebrew U, helped Alan Dershowitz write "The Case for Israel", and has reportedly said that although she "really love[s] the States... my heart's in Jerusalem. That's where I feel at home". Take that and stick it somewhere, Talentless Biotch Formerly Known as Bar.
Advantage: JI

So there you have it, my loyal readers: Israel wins by a margin of 4-1. For those of you who were considering a move, consider yourself more informed. And next time you're checking the weather online, make sure to be pay attention. Especially if you're traveling here.

You're telling me, after that post, that you don't want to get updates delivered to your inbox? Not buying it for a second. Go sign up on the right. Do it.

Whose L(ior Shl)ine is It Anyway?*

Chanukah starts this Tuesday night. Those of you living in this country are invited to celebrate Wednesday night with Israel's newest improv troupe at Jerusalem's Merkaz Hamagshimim Hadassah.

Details:
Wednesday, December 5th
8:30 PM at The Merkaz, 7A Dor Dor v'Dorshav

What better way to remember the Maccabim than with improv, drinks, friends, and sufganiyot at the Merkaz? Come light the candles and watch hilarious comedy in English at Merkaz Hamagshimim Hadassah, featuring Dorf, Benji Lovitt, Shira Katz, Ari Miller, Molly Livingstone, and Danny Sher. Entrance is 25 shekels for members and 35 for nonmembers, which covers everything from the show to the drinks. Don't miss out on Chanukah's funniest night. For more information, email ofra@themerkaz.org

Here's a clip from a recent show.

*Lior Shline is apparently a comedic TV talk show host. Never seen him but a friend of mine writes for him. It fit the subject...just being silly.