We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcast to Make Fun of Americans

Lioz Shem-Tov is an Israeli comedian who recently was invited to audition for the next season of “Last Comic Standing.” Apparently the show, in an effort to become more interesting, has decided to open their doors to a few international performers. Lioz flew to Miami and was invited to come back for the next round in Vegas. A free trip to Vegas would be exciting for anyone but for someone living outside of the States, it’s even a bigger deal. (I want to use the word “chul” here but I know it’s not correct. Is there a word for “American chul”?)

Last night, Lioz calls me with help understanding a letter he got from someone at the show. (Raise your hand, olim, if THAT sounds familiar.) The conversation went something like this.

Lioz: “ ‘Please let us know where you will be location-wise on March 27^th.’ What eez thees? What does thees mean?”

Benji: “They just want to know where you will be on March 27^th so they can reach you. Your location.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘location-WISE’?”

Benji: “It just means location. (starting to laugh) I can’t explain it. It’s dumb.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘wise’? WHY DEH ‘WISE’? ”

Benji: (laughing hysterically now) “English is dumb. Forget the ‘wise.’

Ok, can we please settle this once and for all? As stated here, my fellow Americans, there is nothing correct about sticking “-wise” at the end of any word you want. Can we stop it?

This is a good resource, reference bookwise.

Bad English:
“Those treats were pretty good, candy applewise.”
“He’s a good basketball player, shooting guardwise.”
“It was naaaaaaaaaaaasty stuff, falafelwise.”

If you’re using “falafelwise” in a game of Scrabble, you’re cheating. (Did I beat this to death, dead horsewise? Ech omrim "dead horsewise"?) Maybe the English Ulpan idea isn't bad after all...

Happywise Purimwise, everybody! A holiday update coming soon…