Unless you want your appearance to scream "TOURIST!!!", you'll want to take the appropriate measures to fit in. Without further ado, here’s a quick idiot’s guide to what you need to know about the Tel Aviv beach.
Attire
What to wear? “If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” Some Israeli men have apparently translated this to “If you don’t have a bathing suit, hey no problem!” While you don’t have to worry about shark attacks, there is nothing more frightening than seeing a Middle Eastern man flaunting his skimpy briefs. Thanks to those who have burned the image into my brain for all eternity. For the women, the rule is generally to wear whatever is fashionable, especially if you are over the age of 55 and enjoy wearing a bikini three sizes too small for your body. Kids four and under: clothing optional.
Two things escape me right now: words and my lunch.If you’re the athletic type, you may enjoy matkot. Matkot, according to Wikipedia, “or beach paddleball, is a popular traditionally non-competitive game in Israel, sometimes called Israel's unofficial national sport.” It is played with two players who attempt to hit the ball back and forth as many times as humanly possible, creating a high-risk environment where beachgoers can enjoy the possibility of being hit in the head by a ball flying at Mach-2.
The object of the game is somewhat unclear. While matkot advocates claim that it is a leisure sport like frisbee, involuntary spectators have found more accurate comparisons to games such as Chinese water torture and banging your skull against the wall. I like to refer to it by its alternative title: “Really Annoying Game.”
The Israeli beach: More proof that Israel is a war zone. Jump In!
Ready to hit the waves? Let’s do it! Just be careful to avoid the jellyfish, known to locals as “medusa”. The medusot arrive just in time for summer and like to sting unsuspecting swimmers. Not only do they sting something awful, but their secretions float in the water and sting if they come in contact with you. (Ok, I just made myself throw up.) Here’s the kicker: the legend goes that the best remedy for a jellyfish sting is to, ahem, urinate on the affected area. Not only am I perplexed as to who thought to test this theory out, I am convinced this began as a hazing ritual in the IDF.
Goldberg ha'chayal: “Ehhhh….m'faked! I hev been stung by medusa! Waht to do?”
M'faked Shmuel, whispering to senior platoon members: “Heh heh, watch dees. PEE ON EET!”
Getting Hungry?
Assuming you escape the Mediterranean unscathed, you’re probably finding yourself ready to relax and replenish your body with something delicious. Not to worry-the beach is full of men peddling treats to hit that sweet spot with a variety of “artik” (ice cream) or “kartiv” (popsicle) treats. The marketing plan of the typical beach peddler seems to be to loudly scream the as word “artik” as many times as humanly possible. (Upon further investigation, this reporter recently discovered that this guy in fact knows no other words.) Nevertheless, the artik guy certainly earns his shekels, covering the beach with quickness, his eagerness to sell matched only by his desire to wear flowery shirts unbuttoned down to his stomach.
Halloween or not, who doesn't love the artik guy?If you’re looking for something more substantial, the beach cafes are great too. You should however be aware that they function using their own currency system. While I'm not an economist, I believe that the exchange rate involves taking the price in shekels and multiplying by a factor of 25 million. Pass the schnitzel strips!
Safety First
Of course, you should also be sure to wait after eating before returning to the water. Safety is a primary concern at any body of water and the Tel Aviv beaches are equipped with lifeguards, metzilim, ready to save the day. These Israeli lifeguards sit in tall huts on the sand, yelling things into megaphones which no one in particular seems to heed.
Dudu the lifeguard: “Ehhh….adonee (Sir)! Move to deh marked area please!”
For some reason, however, when the words come out of the speaker, they sound more like: "Eeg-nohr waht I em saying! Thenk you!”
Ignore the lifeguards at your own risk. What's the risk? It's not drowning, people, it's incurring the guilt of lifeguards who apparently earned certification in both water safety and being an ima Polania ("Polish mother", or "Jewish" in the rest of the world).
"If you drown, you'll have only yourself to blame!" Chicken soup, anyone?
While there’s just so much to do at the beach, the best activity is…nothing. Israelis have an incredible ability to relax, appreciate life, and to enjoy moments to their fullest. From the beaches in Thailand to the sands of India, you can find Israelis in every area of the world, traveling and enjoying their leisure time. As for those of you with plans to travel to Israel, I’ll see you at the beach.
ARTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK!!!!!!!!!!!!
An unidentified blogger enjoying life.What are you waiting for, Americans? Surf's up!
An Idiot's Guide to Israel Weddings
For more good times, sign up for updates on the right. Ya'ala!
29 comments:
Being hit on the head by a Matka ball is part of your sal klita. Until it has happened, you are not considered an Israeli citizen and are not entitled to all rights that citizens are entitled to.
What about seeing the ass crack of an overweight man? Shouldn't that lower my taxes?
No - that's international. You came to Israel with that experience.
Ah, the beach in Tel Aviv. That's the main thing that's missing in Jerusalem...
-The image of a fat, hairy, Russian man in speedos has been burned into my retinas and I still have nightmares about it. Yech!
-I did not realize that the sun umbrella does not protect you from the sun at all. I have a sunburn to prove it.
-Last time I was at the beach, I heard the lifeguard yelling at two women (in Hebrew) "Ladies, why are you not listening to me?"
-That can't be the Artik guy. He's waaaay too young.
-I saw a massage therapist roaming the beach last time I was there. I'm sure it was legit, but I still have a problem with the idea of me in a bikini paying someone to rub me in public. Is that just me?
Embarrassingly I can testify to the medicinal effectiveness of urine on jellyfish stings. In my Southern US hometown we were taught the same thing...and it works like a charm. I'll even add a bit more Southern wisdom to the mix...if you get bitten by fire ants you should chew up a "silver dollar weed" and spit it on the wound. Takes the sting right out. A nice ima polani from my shul taught me that on our shul's first shabbaton (I'm serious).
RE Urine on jellyfish stings, it was on Friends where Joey and Chandler did their thing on Monica and vowed to never ever speak of it again. Since I rock, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XARb8Cmkac
Since i wrote a huge rant on your last post's comment board... Two words:
boobies butts.
i love tel aviv beach.
I had a blast at the beach in Nahariyah--It is, however, filled with more Russians and Arab families who bring their grills and entire households of mattresses to lie on....But such fun!--It is VERY clean, and I rented a chair for 8 shekels and got five back when I returned the chair.....Also--I love the showers and foot showers so you leave with no sand at all on you (thanks also to crocs!). But the best is sitting and doing nothing until you get so hot you go and jump into the Mediterranean--Look- after a hard week of work, meetings, or "touring"--DOING NOTHING IS THE BEST SOMETHING YOU CAN DO!!!--Love, Mamma Sue
At the Herzliya beach the lifeguards give you a cotton ball dipped in vinegar (at least they SAY its vinegar) to help with the sting.
Thought of buying my husband one of those speedos so he could feel at home.....
Bra-friggin-oh!
Snagged another subscriber in me.
And what about sunblock to protect the largest organ? The skin?
Because seriously, I got sunburned at a coffee shop today, even though I applied SPF 50. So I can't imagine what the beach would do to me and other pink Jews.
haha... medusot... you can always try to tought it out-- just rinse it off... i tried that last week, and while it hurt something awful, my dignity remained intact :-D
If seeing the ass crack of an overweight man lowered taxes, we'd all be paying practically nothing, and there'd even be a few lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it) souls to whom the tax authority actually owed money.
My son was stung by a medusa two summers ago. It was pretty nasty, and the scars remained for ages!
The lifeguards are nuts. In addition to yelling at swimmers to come to the 'marked area', they also berate parents for letting their children roam around. Rightly so, but it's fucking hilarious. "Shel mi ya yeled ha ze???? Ima shel ha yeled, boy tikhi oto, maher aval! Mi ozev yeled kacha?!?" People around me were dying. I also went to gordon beach once and was treated to the language skills of one lifeguard who yelled out his instructions in 4 languages. Hebrew, English, Russian and French. Now that's talent.
Benji, I don't remember you being this funny at camp! I mean you were funny then, but I'm cracking up openly at the office!
The only thing you missed was Tel Aviv beach at night with the random naked Arab men that decide to take their bath and then dry off by sitting in the sand with all their dangly bits hanging out...
You forgot a few important things:
1. All the people that are not athletic play SHESH-BESH! which is also a good way to hit on girls (and vice versa).
2. The food that you bring from home is always: AVATIACH - watermelon.
3. The restrooms! (not that clean)
4. You talked about the old people going to the beach, and you haven't mentioned the hot girls that come to the beach...
Can't wait to go to the beach (but it Hertzliah and not TA).
Artick Kartic Shokolad Banana! I love shoko banana artik.
I'll say it again, I learn more about Israel here than any other site.
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but it works for me!
Now I know what to order from the artik man. This is the stuff I don't get from the Travel Channel.
that bathing suit picture is excellent.. as is the photographer. wonder who it was :o)
My grandmother used to send us bottles of Dr.Tishners antiseptic, which worked very well for Meduza burns. Looked like pee in a bottle but smelled like pure alcohol. Burned bad when you put it on, but got the sting out. Before we came here we used it on mosquito bites.
I've never seen it sold anywhere outside of New Orleans though.
One of the nice things about Israel is that the mosquitoes are significantly smaller.
After sun cooling aloe gel works quite well also.
Another piece of advice for tourists is to bring SPF 100 and higher sunscreen from home. I don't think they go that high in Israel and many tourists need it. And remember to spread it all around not just wherever your hand lands on your arm.
I just saw a guy who was all red except for a few patches of white where he had used sunscreen. In the white you could make out the shape of his hand, fingers and all.
yeah, matkot - essentially takes the 'stalbet' out of my stalbeting.
Did you talk about my stuff (Funk's too (and yours?)) being stolen from that beach in the north. Who would steal prescription sunglasses?
Mia - We may have smaller mosquitoes here, but our cockroaches are obnoxiously large, and they fly! Give me the bigger mosquitoes any day! :-)
Liza,
I didn't know roaches don't fly in the US. I just figured they didn't fly in the house there because we had screens and here we don't.
I need to get screens.
Is this the most comments you've had for one post?
Does it still count if you pad the comments?
What do you mean "ehhhhhh, not really?"
Ok, ok. I'll stop now.
Your first comment would have set the record. Now when blog historians look back, they will put an asterisk next to it like Roger Maris when he broke Babe Ruth's home run record. (Ech omrim "blog historian"?)
Post a Comment