Who Needs a Vacation?

My dear friend Sarit keeps urging me to get back to writing about my life and the ridiculous experiences I have (you know, like with Israeli model Nivit Bash or with the human….um, the guys dressed up in costume). I know, I need to; it’s just more time-consuming and I’m a perfectionist with what I write on here. And when the ridiculous headlines come into the war zone, they’re impossible to resist.

Now...it wasn't long ago that this story ran in Jpost, exposing the sex habits of Israeli women. So to speak. Jewish hornballs launched an attack on that server in an lightning-quick strike that would have made Moshe Dayan proud. The offensive was led by me and Lieutenant General Tal A. as we single-handedly visited this page 120,000 times in one hour forwarding it to our friends. (The Lieutenant General's last name is being kept confidential for security reasons. That or because he told me he doesn't want people to see this when they Google him.)

Out of our way, women and children! We have an article to read!
On second thought, women, you can stay.

Well, guess what? Haaretz is getting in on the action with this story about Israeli women and what they like to do on vacation.

For Israeli women, going on vacation means more sex and lots of touristy activities - whether they are with their partners or not…. Such are the findings of a new study of the sexual behavior of vacationing Israeli women, conducted by the Department of Hotel and Tourism Management at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev…..

The study's findings show that having sex is an important factor in a woman's satisfaction from her tourism experience. In some cases, it is even an essential element and/or a motivating factor for the vacation, meaning that the vacation is perceived as an opportunity for a couple to conduct their sexual relationship in a new, relaxed environment……a trip backpacking was described by participants in the study as an opportunity to have casual sex in a foreign environment. In such instances, the number of sex partners increases….

In an unrelated note, it is with great excitement that I would like to announce the launching of my new business venture, Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency. When you travel with tour guide Benji Massachusetts, you can be sure you are getting the finest in relaxed environment, the finest in trip backpacking, and the finest in whatever the hell else these women said they wanted.

It's amazing how quickly you can throw
an office together during your lunch break.

We currently offer trips to Thailand, South America, the Far East, and for women hailing from rural Israel who consider Tel Aviv to be a tourist attraction, an apartment on Sderot Chen near Kikar Rabin. (Please be advised that the other person living in the apartment goes to bed around 10 PM. Parking not included.) Having been a practicing tour guide since 2:45 PM, let me assure you that I have your traveling interests in mind, ladies. I provide interesting descriptions of sites which may or may not be similar to what you might find on Wikipedia and am known for my ability to distinguish between Asians and South Americans, especially after hearing their accents.

So call now…operators are standing by!

What will we learn next about the habits of Israeli women? LET’S GO, YNET!!! BATTER UP!!!

Legends of the Mossad: Don't Worry Israel, You're in Good Hands (Belch)

Pull up a chair, my loyal readers, it's time for a history lesson. Today we're going to talk about an Israeli legend, Meir Amit.

....a man who made the Mossad what it is today as director during the 1960s...

....a man who helped deliver its first MiG fighter plane when its Iraqi pilot defected to Israel...

....a man who fought in the War of Independence, served in the Knesset, and is a monumental figure in Israeli intelligence...

And a man who likes a vodka shot right around 5 in the afternoon.

Meir Amit, his grandson and my friend Itai, and I. I tried to get him to spill the beans on why Marzipan is so good but he wasn't talking. Those Mossad guys are tough.

BREAKING NEWS: Hamas taken over by 7 year-old

How else to explain this article?

After the siege imposed on the Gaza Strip and the targeted killings, the
Palestinian organizations have found a new reason for firing Qassam rockets
on southern Israel: Cartoons published in Denmark denouncing Prophet
Muhammad.

Um…can you repeat that?

The Salah al-Din Brigades, the Popular Resistance Committees' military wing,
claimed responsibility for firing the rockets. The organization's spokesman,
Muhammad Abed al-Aal, told Ynet that the firing operation, dubbed "the lines
of fire", was a response to the "crimes of the Israeli occupation against
the Palestinians," but also "in response to the cartoons published in
Denmark degrading the memory of Prophet Muhammad.

Is that how it works? In that case, in response to the Tel Aviv municipality not giving me my arnona discount, I plan to strap arsim to short-range missiles and launch them at population centers in Gaza City. (I apologize in advance for the disproportionate response.)

"He started it!"

Asked why the residents of Sderot and the Negev should pay the price for
cartoons published in Denmark, Abed al-Aal responded, "The Jews have also hurt
Islam and have also hurt the Koran in their prisons, as part of the plot to harm
Islam and the memory and status of Prophet Muhammad.

Abed al-Aal added that the State of Israel looked at him funny.

Isn’t there a statute of limitations on misguided revenge? These cartoons are almost 2.5 years old! You didn’t see me kicking the dog this morning just because I got picked last in kickball in 3rd grade. On second thought, I propose that Israel nuke Miami Beach in response to the pogroms.

In an off-the record comment, al-Aal added that he also blamed it on the rain that was falling falling in addition to the stars that did shine at night.

The Palestinian leadership explaining their logic.

(Hat tip: Talia)

"The Wheels on the Bus Go....Back in Time"

I'll be honest, my loyal readers: I get lost. A lot. Well, not so much lost as simply unable to get where I'm trying to go. To get lost, you first should have had some idea of where you trying to get to before going astray. Me? I have no clue of where I'm headed.

I used to ask people here for directions until I figured this out. Often I try finding my way online but the transportation websites aren't always so helpful...remember this?

Just yesterday, I tried getting a bus route from the site of Dan, the bus company in Tel Aviv. This is what I saw on their "what's new" ticker.
Thank you for the up to date info, Dan Bus. If I was able to capture more of the headlines in this picture, you would have seen

"14.05.2001: Israel declares independence, webmaster returns after 53 year cigarette break"

Get with the program, Dan. I've got places to go.

I'm Sorry But It Must Be Done

It's time for a little self-promotion from Bahn-gee Massachusetts.

First of all, welcome Jpost visitors. Make yourself at home. Take a walk through the archives and please feel free to laugh and make comments. If I can give you one piece of advice, whatever you do, just be sure to...be sure to ....ehhhhhhhhhh............

Second, my loyal readers, swing on by Jpost.com to see the profile they've posted of me. I've been emailing with one of the editors for a little while and she invited me to fill one out. There are a good number of people who've been profiled in the past, a few of whom I actually know. Feel free to read the talkbacks as well...I'm trying to stay on the sidelines for as long as I can. Here's what I think of talkbacks, from the archives.

Do not adjust your screens. That is a freier at the bottom.

Next: I have a website. Not this blog, but a website. Check out BenjiLovitt.com to learn about my stand-up comedy. Do I really need to convince you of anything, my loyal readers? Hey, Jewish professional with budgets! What are you waiting for? Check out the Events page to learn more about, what else? Upcoming Color Me Badd shows! (G-d, I love a good Color Me Badd reference.) Next Tuesday night...Subcooch Millega in Florentine!

Lastly, I have a new and regular column in the Atlanta Jewish Times' monthly supplement. For those of you who don't know, I used to live there for four years. I've been eager to write for anyone in the States who'll have me and this was the easiest place to start. The response to this first article's been pretty good so I hope you'll like it. If any of you can pull some strings at any other publications, I'd love it!

That's all for now. Stay tuned for more shtuyot. And thanks for stopping by.

If Channel 10 Runs This, I'm Suing

It's a small world, my loyal readers. No, I'm not channeling Walt Disney. I'm talking Tom Friedman, as in "The World is Flat". Only a handful of years ago, everybody's favorite Jewish state had two TV channels and American movies that often opened up months after their US release.

Now? Well...this.

Souljah Boys aside, Israel has everything now. McDonalds. Check. MTV? Check. Canned Spam? Ok...we don't have that, baruch hashem. (That's just nasty, Americans.)

You keep this out of our country, we'll keep arsim out of yours.

We even have the hit TV show "Survivor" (that's a link to the Israeli version). For years, my friends made the joke till it got old: "Hey, you know what? Every day in Israel is 'Survivor'! Ha!" Or "When are they gonna do 'Survivor: Gaza' ? " But it's really here so we don't have to joke anymore.

Reality TV? Just as big here. And the biggest shows from the West all have their own Middle Eastern versions. "American Idol"? "Kochav Nolad". "Dancing with the Stars"? "Rokdim im Kochavim".

You know what I want to see? "Fear Factor." Oh yeah. Israeli Fear Factor. This show would be so easy to write! All the challenges? They're already here!

Round one? Drive.

Not with spiders, people. In a car, with Israel drivers. I wouldn't do it. All the cars here with their red "שמור מרחק" (shmor mirchak) bumper stickers...does anyone know what that means? You wanna know? I'll tell you. "Shmor mirchak" actually means "I drive like a loony bin." In case you were wondering.

Round two on Israeli Fear Factor? Twelve o'clock...on a Sunday...stand in line at Bituach Leumi. BEFORE A STRIKE. (Sorry, non-Israelis, it loses something in translation. I'll leave it to my fellow olim...what does "bituach leumi" mean to you?)

If any contestants manage to survive those two feats, the championship will surely knock them out. Ready? Go to the shuk, lick the ground.

Americans, you think live roach-eating is gross? I will pay a shiny, new two-shekel piece to anyone who can correctly identify the mystery gunk on the ground of Shuk HaCarmel.

It's only a matter of time. I can't wait to see what other shows come here. "The Simple Life"? That's easy. Moshav.

What's on TV tonight?

A Review of "Tomorrow's Pioneers": Two Bombs Down

Hello, my loyal readers, we're back. I saw that the writers strike in the States has come to an end. And thank goodness for that because there is some real junk on TV right now. Take the newest season of "Tomorrow's Pioneers", broadcast on Hamas television.

Remember that show? Farfur? Nahoul? It's back, this time with a Bugs Bunny look-alike named Assud who pledges to "eat Jews."

Yikes. We Jews have enough on our proverbial plates as it stands: genocide, taking over the world...who wants to be dinner? (I must admit however, I taste divine with a honey mustard vinaigrette.)

Here are my thoughts on “Tomorrow’s Pioneers”:

• Was this made by a 3rd grader? The production is terrible. It’s 2008…have these people seen “Shrek”? Gimme some CGI…morphing…HD…something! Costumes….terrible. Soundtrack…lame. Somebody should lose their job over this.

• A couple of dudes start giving CPR to the bee but they’re not using quick breaths. Didn’t you learn this stuff at your terrorist camp? I sure as heck learned it at my summer camp. I hated the swimming lessons but I guess it paid off. Next time I have to resuscitate a 200 pound bee, you can be sure I’ll know how to do it.

• The acting is horrendous. Who’s the fat dude with the beard just sitting there with his back to the camera? Yeah, he looks concerned. This is the most unemotional death scene I’ve seen since Susan licked the toxic envelopes.

• We meet Saraa, the narrator. Saraa…baby…it’s 2008. You gotta spunk it up a little. That’s what girls like in their role models. Hannah Montana, Spice Girls…show some cleavage. (Ech omrim “cleavage” in Arabic? Ech omrim “ech omrim” in Arabic?)

You don't see Hannah eating Jews, do you?
If she did, would they go straight to her tush?

• I just saw Winnie the Pooh in the background. In Hamas, it’s translated as “Winnie the Shaheed.”

• For those of you who don’t know the Gaza dialet of Arabic, I will translate the scrolling text at the bottom. “In the GBA, the Rafah Blue Bombers defeated the Khan Yunis Suicide Devils 101-89. For breaking 100, all Jenin fans with a ticket stub can receive one free shawarma at Ahmed’s After Dark.”

• Ok, now it’s getting good. We meet the rabbit, Assud. Um...why is he calling the human “father”? What the hell is going on here? Assud, about the wrap-around whiskers…you can get that waxed you know. I’m just saying.

Ech omrim "metrosexual" in rabbit?

• Olim, to get your key of return, please call Nefesh B’Nefesh. If you don’t stay three years, you must return it.

• The interview: apparently they used the old Pee-Wee's Playhouse studio? And what’s the reward for Assud killing himself, 72 carrots? Ehhh....what’s up, Doc(tor Rantissi)?

• Ok, he was raised by a human, he's called "lion”, he’s a bigot…dude, this rabbit has a serious identity crisis. Forget the Anti-Defamation League. WHERE IS PETA IN ALL THIS???

In conclusion, this show sucks. Welcome back, writers-we missed you.

For more on "Tomorrow's Pioneers": http://www.whatwarzone.com/2007/07/milk-honey-and-anti-semitic-bees-that.html

(Thanks, Mort, for the heads up.)

This is Why I'm Going to Ulpan?

So I started a new job yesterday, my loyal readers. I'm a content writer for an online marketing firm and that's all I'm gonna say for now.

Some of you in the place called chul might be asking yourself, "Self? How does an oleh chadash struggling with Hebrew manage to get by working in another country's office environment?"

Well, I'll tell you. You speak English. Whoever said that the international language is love was listening to too much Chicago. (Why was every one of their songs about getting dumped? For the love of G-d, I like "Greatest Hits 1982-1989" as much as the next '80s child but how depressing are those songs???) The official language of my company is English which means that emails, meetings, internal communications are conducted officially in English.

Israel's official language is Hebrew. Except for on t-shirts.

If I didn't get the memo, I figured it out my first day. My boss sent me an email with some information. I hit reply and tried to write "תודה (thank you)." Only one problem: there's no Hebrew font installed on my computer.

Please tune in this Wednesday at 9 AM to see Eliezer Ben-Yehudah and Theodore Herzl engaged in a grave-rolling competition. Ech omrim "grave-rolling competition?"

"I forced my family against their will to say made-up words and in 100 years,
they speak what??? Mrs. Ben-Yehudah's gonna kill me!!!"

When are Elections Again?

Is this some kind of joke?

Israel has informed the Palestinian Authority that it will stop pursuing 32 Fatah gunmen in the West Bank, a PA security official said Sunday. The official said the decision to pardon the gunmen belonging to Fatah's armed wing, the Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, came after a three-month "trial period" during which they had refrained from carrying out attacks against Israel.

TRIAL PERIOD??? Trial periods are for Adobe Acrobat, not for TERRORISTS!!! "Ehhh....dees guy tried to keel me! I want to return him. (pause) B'seder, for store credit then!"

"Not satisfied after 90 days?
Yiyeh b'seder! Do you have the original receipt?"

"The names of the gunmen have been completely removed from Israel's list of wanted Palestinians," the official said. "From now on the gunmen will be allowed to move around freely and without fear of being targeted by Israel."

Have you ever tried to get off a telemarketer's list? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! Unless you're a terrorist apparently. Next time Jerusalem Post calls me, I'm telling them my name is Jachnun Ahmed Malawach.

Over the past three months, the gunmen stayed in PA security installations after surrendering their weapons and signing a pledge to refrain from terror activities.

What this article failed to mention is that the gunmen pinky swore, crossed their hearts and hoped to die, and sang N'Sync's "This I Promise You."

From right to left: Justin Timberlake, Lance Bassafat...

"Meet George Jetson...His Boy Shmulik...."

Hello, my loyal readers-we're back. Back from the future!

On a recent rainy day, I decided to travel to the year 2030 to see what the future has in store for Israel. I must say, it was quite exciting. Robots cutting in line, flying Egged buses...and a kitchen device which may change the world forever.

In the future, Israelis call it the Gimel-500. I like to call it a "can opener." With just a few turns of the hand, this "can opener" provides quick and easy access to foods like tuna fish. I managed to take a picture and bring it back with me to Tel Aviv.

Don't get too close...it may attack.

My Israeli friends reacted with wonder and shock, as they are used to using the Gimel-500's grandfather, seen here.The Aleph-500, while small and convenient to carry, is uncomfortable, annoying, and a primary cause of carpal tunnel syndrome in olim chadashim between the ages of, oh...33 and 33. The Gimel-500 is quick, easy, and can be found at the shuk if you are good at pantomime.

Eating has never been so much fun. What else does the future hold???

Now if I could only find a can opener like this...