"Eets a Small World Eeeeeeh.....fter All..."

Holy hafuch, Batman....I don't know how long I can keep up these 11:30 PM posts...at least not after I get home from work at 9:30 PM. With 24 minutes left in Israel, I need to put this April posting record out of reach. I feel like Barry Bonds in 2001 (minus the steroids).

So all my Jewish readers (most of you) have probably figured out that the Jewish world is ridiculously small. When you're Jewish, it's small. When you grew up in a youth group or summer camp, it's really small. When you also lived in NY, it's even smaller. When you also moved to Israel, it gets even smaller. And when you do all of these things AND work in the Jewish community...good Lord, I think I'm 2 Facebook degrees removed from Bar Kochba. (Not to brag but he poked me.)

Here are only the most recent example of how small my world is. In less than 24 hours:
1) The guy I'm replacing hands me the phone the other day. It's Amy, a woman who currently works for Young Judaea who came aboard after I left (we met last year). Turns out that this guy helped arrange for her to do Year Course program promotions to his teen groups. I'll now be arranging this.

2) Hitching a ride with my friend Shara from Tel Aviv on road 443, I call my department director Meir to let him know I'm running late. He asks where I am. I tell him. He says "get out of the car, I'll pick you up." About 2 minutes later, I'm in his car.

3) Fast forward half an hour-I make my way to the mini-kitchen (because G-d forbid anyone starts their morning in this country without first injecting a cannister of Maxwell House into their veins. I know we don't have a Constitution in Israel but if we did, wouldn't it protect the right to drink coffee from 9-10 AM?) Who's making coffee? My dear friend Emil, former co-worker from YJ, who stopped by to do whatever shlichim do at the Chavaya Yisraelit (I think they just come by to learn new Hebrew slang that they've missed out on and drink coffee.)

How come every time I drink coffee,
I feel like I'm watching a commercial from 1987?

4) Replaced dude hands me the phone again to speak with someone else who he works with. It's my adopted kibbutz mother from 15 years ago, Leah. Seems that I'll be doing something with her too. When she stopped by the office today, she brought me a box of dates. Why are people so nice in this country? SERIOUSLY???

5 and 6) New co-worker who drove me in today dated a girl I met in the job I just quit....guy who drive me home has a cousin who just started at the place I just quit.

I haven't collected any empirical data yet but I have a theory that there are actually only seven Jews in the world. I'll get back to you on that.

28 posts this month with 2 minutes to spare.

Just because...

Dr. Oh My Lord

When you move here, everyone reminds you to STOP CONVERTING INTO DOLLARS. Mostly because you don't MAKE dollars, so it's pointless. (If you don't live here and don't understand, trust me.)

Oh...and then there's the whole reason of not wanting to have a heart attack.

Here is the first Dr. Pepper I've ever seen in Israel after a late-night mee-nee-mahr-keht visit.


Here is the same Dr. Pepper with a view of the price tag.


Here is Ichilov Hospital which admitted me after falling into a catatonic state.

Looks like I'm switching to a new drink. Good thing there's not a water shortage in this country.

Oh wait...

More Obsession With English

People are seriously obsessed with English in this country. Need I link to the t-shirts again? In the middle of speaking in Hebrew, someone will just - without warning - say one phrase or part of a sentence in English. I cannot figure out why, which phrases they choose to translate, and at what point their brain says, "Hey, I'm gonna say this in another language!" I witnessed this at least 10 times today.

Sorry that this will be in transliteration but kacha zeh...

"Nimas li mi'zeh! Nimas li mi'zeh! Im hu mamsheech la'asot et zeh...? Den heet deh road Jeck!"

Umm...did you just spend the weekend in Motown or something?

Well, It Was Fun While It Lasted...Get Ready, I'm About to Get Serious Again

Any of my long-time readers notice the serious amount of posts over the last month? Let's just say that I've had a fair amount of time on my hands. April officially became my most prolific month of writing last week and with a few more good days, the previous record of 21 posts in December was going to be left behind like a piece of half-eaten shnitzel at closing time. (I don't know what it means either, I'm riffing, baby!)

Much as it pains me to make fun of this wonderful country less than the current pace (especially after hitting 'refresh' on my statcounter every 3.4 seconds since March), be prepared, it's about to happen. For a good cause.

Anyone who knows me knows that my connection to this country comes from many years of involvement in Young Judaea, both as a kid and as a professional. (Ech omrim "product placement"? I should really get paid for these plugs. "I sure do love blogging! And when I'm done, nothing hits the spot like a big-ass bag of bissli grill! Those salty corkscrewed critters go crunch! and remind me what it means to be Israeli. So head on down to your local makolet today and remember who sentcha!" cha-CHING! 10 shekels)

This just paid for my arnona.

In the past few months, I've done a few different jobs to "pay the bills" as we say while watching some other really amazing things materialize in my spare time (like the recent Ynet article for example, if you didn't already receive it from me on email, Facebook, Twitter, Friendster, MySpace, postal mail, carrier pigeon, Morse code...)

However, all the exciting stuff hasn't changed the fact that something's not right in my life. Life ain't easy as an oleh chadash and anyone who's ever done it knows what I'm talking about. I'm not going to go into detail but there are ups and downs. One of my personal stumbling blocks to my complete surprise has turned out to be Hebrew. A year and a half ago, I was flying, learning left and right and actually noticing improvement on a daily basis. Yeah, that changed. For a number of reasons, I think my Hebrew has stayed the same and truthfully even gotten worse since this time last year. Any desire I had to make flash cards, translate hip-hop songs into Hebrew (I was singing the chorus of "Ice Ice Baby" to my friend Ziv back in high school), and call my friends fun and inappropriate words has sadly dwindled into nothing. Not being able to communicate is one of the most frustrating feelings I experience and drives me batty. Making a decent salary and making people laugh at arsim just isn't enough...something's missing.

What do you mean "Kerach Kerach Tinok" isn't the correct translation?

Drastic times call for drastic measures. I simply am unable to work for the man, just as I wasn't able to back in the day before I made the big switch to the Jewish world. Good bye, decent pay and short commute. Hello, new job! Tomorrow I begin my working for Israel Experience, the tour operator within the Jewish Agency for Israel. I'll be doing the exact opposite of what I did in New York for Young Judaea: convincing families not to come to Israel for the experience of a lifetime.

(Did anyone believe that? If so, please stop reading.)

Instead of marketing youth programs, I'll be handling the other side of the coin, actually building the programs from this side of the ocean. One of my biggest clients will be birthright israel and I'll be picking hostels, tour guides, hikes, speakers, etc. and making sure the group's needs are being met when they're here. It should be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling and I'll eventually be reporting to someone I've worked with before, the former director of YJ's national summer camp in New York, Camp Tel Yehudah. (Isn't "camp" a weird first name? His parents were hippies. Ok, did anyone believe that? I am losing new readers by the paragraph.)

The work will be great, the environment will be a HEBREW-speaking one, and I think I'm going to love it. As for the daily posts? Well, it was fun while it lasted.

At least I left my last job laughing. I'm sorry, there's nothing funnier than an Israeli singing "Spi-dehr-peeg? Spi-dehr-peeg!" in a heavy Middle Eastern accent. I really need a hidden camera.

Abu Lovitt is Concerned

After talking about it for months, I finally got around to installing Google AdSense on this blog. According to their terms and conditions, I CANNOT encourage people to click on the ads or they will kick me to the internet curb. Let me be clear: I am NOT doing that!

(GOOGLE KNOWS EVERYTHING PEOPLE; don't screw with them. Yes, I'm totally scared of them.)*

That said, I was all eager to see what ads it chose to display first, based on the content I write about. Here's the first one I saw:

"2008: God's Final Witness: Unprecedented destruction will come in 2008, leading to America's fall."

Google, I don't know how to tell you this but I AM NOT A MEMBER OF AL-QAEDA! No matter what this ad thinks.

Thanks, Danny, for helping me figure it out! Although we currently have a big space at the bottom of the page...working on it...

*I am still surprised I didn't get blacklisted for this post. Or this one.

List This

Last week, I went to an Israel21c happy hour hosting a group of techie bloggers from the Bay Area with What War Zone??? secret field correspondent "Melissa." The group was brought over by the Israeli Consulate in San Francisco, presumably to see life in Israel, our impressive hi-tech industry, and so on.

Upon entering, Melissa and I surveyed the premesis and after about five seconds, darted STRAIGHT for the fries. I ask you this, my loyal readers: at any point in life, does free food lose any of its luster? Are we too old to get excited by this? To be fair, we were both starving but the fact that it was on the house just added to the experience. (Did I mention the salad and bruschetta? Mmmmm.......)

If you stare at it long enough, you can actually see into heaven.

When shmoozing with a couple of people, one guy started to mention a couple of tech/media conferences he had recently been to: Com.Vention and Kinnernet. I wanted to say, "Umm…do you have a speech impediment?" Turns out...they're just clever names. Those tricky, tricky techies!

I managed to get a photo with one of the delegation participants. Anybody want to take a guess as to this man's identity?

Who's the guy on the left?
If he looks happy to be in this picture with me,
you might want to get your monitor looked at.

Do People Lie on Their Resumes Here Too?

Post 2 of 2 today...

I'm writing a short humor piece about looking for a job in Israel. Is the process different from in the States or other countries? Job descriptions, interviews, customs, etiquette? Send me any observations or funny stories and we'll see what happens.

Even the Animals Speak Hebrew

This past weekend, I went up north to visit my friend Michael. That's Mi-kha-el (as in "who is like G-d", Hebrew), not Michael (as in Jackson, freak of nature.) Saturday morning, while I'm sitting at the table with his two kids, he starts to give me a tour of the breakfast cereals: there's Cheerios, some whole-wheat concoction, and Shalva, which apparently is a classic, old-school cereal which is cheap and has been around since the days of King David.


When looking at the Shalva bag, I see that it has "peh gadol" written on it. Michael explains that while, yes, it does mean "big mouth", it's also what parents say to little kids before they shove food down their throats. What's the English equivalent? "Open wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...."?


So I start playing with the 1.5 year old, saying "peeeeeeeeeeeeh gadooooooooool!" before feeding myself. He repeats. Then I say "peh gadol v'ozen gadol!" (big mouth and big ear), as I hold my left ear out with one hand and shovel the cereal into my mouth with the other. He repeats. Ahhh....seems that we have a game of follow the leader!


"Peh gadol v'einayim g'doloooot! (big mouth and big eyes)
"Peh gadol v'oseh kmo chatuuuuuuul!" (....and does like a cat: "meow meow!")
"Pet gadol v'oseh kmo keleeeeeeeeeeev!" (....and does like a dog: "ruff ruff!")


(pause)


1.5 Year Kid: "Mah zeh 'ruff ruff' ?"

Who the hell ever heard a sheep say "meh meh?"

CLEARLY they're saying "bah". When they talk. To me. Often.

Mah zeh "ruff ruff"....THAT was funny.

Anybody want to explain the Hebrew animal language? Ayn li koach.

The bird says "tseef tseef!"

The rooster says "kookooreekoo!"

The ars says "AHLO AHLO!"

And, yes, this means that the 1.5 year old speaks better than I do.

BREAKING NEWS: Red Hot Chili Peppers Spotted in Bat Yam!

How else to explain this story?

A 27-year-old man, claiming to be a yeshiva student, decided to launch an unusual protest against a court ruling allowing stores and restaurants to sell leavened food during the holiday of Passover. The man, dressed as a haredi, arrived Monday afternoon at a store belonging to the non-kosher Tiv Taam supermarket chain in the city of Bat Yam, just south of Tel Aviv. Upon his arrival, he undressed and remained with only a sock covering his private parts.

I assume they mean he was dressed as a haredi before dropping trou, right? The next time I see tube socks in Mea Shearim will be the first. (Ech omrim "dropping trou"?)

The man explained that he could not be prosecuted for an indecent act in
public, because according to the court's interpretation of the leavened food law, a supermarket is not considered a public place. He even wrote on his stomach, "This isn't public???"

Well, it is now, buddy. Thanks for sharing. Does Tiv Ta'am sell vomit bags?

From my friend Mort: I wonder if it was a white tube sock, or if it was one of those fancy cris-crossed argyles that the haredim usually wear. Too bad there weren't any pictures.

No, I take that back. Thank G-d there weren't any pictures.

When my parents checked me into my dorm room the first day of college, there were already beer cans all over the table and this poster up on the wall. Can you say "uncomfortable"?

According to crazy dude, "I left the sock on because I'm religious." That's it-I know what I'm wearing to shul next Yom Kippur as I streak across the mechitzah. WHO'S WITH ME???

(Thanks, Mort and Tony.)

Can I Buy a Vowel?

Shalom, my loyal readers-I hope you all had a wonderful chag. We recently talked about Israeli reality TV but at the end of the day, this country (and much of the world) is still obsessed with American pop culture. Just last week, Channel 10 covered the recent microphone snafu on "American Idol" with Brad Pitt which presumably many of you TV-watching Americans know about.

Well, at least I think they were talking about "American Idol". They may have been talking about a bake sale.

I thought we made it pretty clear here. How in G-d's name did this unfold?

Channel 10 Production Director: "Ya'alah, we go live in ten seconds!"
Screen Editor: "Rega! We have many typos and look like idiots!"
Channel 10 Production Director: "Yiyeh b'seder! Who caaaaaaaaares!?!?!?!"

Is this the news or "Wheel of Fortune"? You decide.

Hat tip to Frgdr.com.

That's Funny....I Could Have Sworn It Was PASSOVER.

Hello, Ynet readers, and welcome to the War Zone! Put on your flak jacket and let's have some fun.

Just a few quick photos before I (and the 35 pounds I just put on) hit the sack....

Is there anything more amazing than a country where the world's most famous soft drink wishes you a chag sameach?


Let's take a closer look, shall we?


Just beautiful. That's life in the Jewish state, people. Where capitalism meets religion.

Did I say Jewish state? Then what in G-D'S NAME IS THIS???

Keep looking....keep looking...see it? SEE IT??? That would be a woman with a FREAKING SANTA CLAUS HAT AT THE SEDER TABLE. Way to instill Jewish identity in the next generation, lady.

To those of you in Israel, be sure to make it to Jerusalem's Comedy Basement this Monday night. See you there!

When: April 21 at 7 PM and 11 PM

Headlining: Benji Lovitt

Featuring: Yossi Tarablus, Tal Solomon
MC: Hani Skutch

Location: Off The Wall Comedy Basement - Ben Yehuda 34 (corner of King George- down the stairs, near the Mashbir)

Cover: 40 shekels (35 shekels for students, soldiers, seniors) + 15 shekel drink minimum purchase

Reservations: 02-624-3218

How to Know That You're Not in America Anymore

From earlier this morning....

Boker tov, my loyal readers-just a quick post before I run out the door for the weekend. So I'm in my kitchen boiling water to make oatmeal (thank you, kumkum.) A few minutes into the process (if you can call boiling water a process), I start to smell something burning. Huh? I'm not that bad of a cook, am I? (Nobody answer that.) I walk around the apartment, sniffing in a couple of rooms, before realizing that the voices coming from outside my kitchen window just said the world lechem (bread). Yep, they're burning their chametz right outside my home.

Don't remember that happening in intown Houston (or Dallas, or Atlanta, or Manhattan, or...)

From the entire team of us at What War Zone, chag Pesach sameach!

Mimouna: Getting in Touch With My Sephardic Side

This is post #2 of the day, my loyal readers. I have a feeling that when I post more than once in a short period, people miss the first one. And if you liked that, you have GOT to see this!!!! Did you click on it??? If not, then you have just GOT to see this!!!!

(It is so often asked: “With Israel 60 years into its existence and clearly no longer in the “chalutzim” era , what can immigrants bring to this country today?” Oh yeah, baby…Rickrolling. When this is written up in Jpost, I want credit, dammit.)

Shmulik: “Nu, be’emet!? Lamah aseeta et ha’Reek rohl alai???”
Dudu: “Cha cha cha cha!!!”

In three years, l’rakrel will be added to Hebrew. Mark my words, people, you heard it here first.)

My favorite song of 8th grade….
You got a problem with that?

Anyway…I remembered today that in the Moroccan culture, the Pesach holiday ends with Mimouna, the celebration of getting to once again eat food which doesn’t do irrevocable damage to your insides. Apparently it’s a big feast with lots of doughy foods and revelry. This is not to be confused with Mayumana which is the Israeli Stomp, or Israeli men dressed as sperm which is just weird.

I hadn’t even heard of this event until moving here. So who’s doing Mimouna around here and wants to invite me? This is blogworthy, baby; Jews around the world need to know about this.)

See you at the gorge-fest! Just call me Nissim.

Las Vegas Has Set the Over/Under of Disturbing Things in This Story at 7.5

My anonymous field reporter "Melissa" is back with more news from the shetach (field) of Tel Aviv. This phenomenon CLEARLY deserves another post. (What aspiring What War Zone intern is brave enough to take a picture of one of these guys? Come on, college kids, you think you're gonna have a more meaningful resume-padding experience in an office???)

I was walking on the tayelet (boardwalk) with a friend yesterday, when i saw the perfect picture for you (alas, i didn't have a camera, or a photographic memory). An old man had clearly just gotten out of the sea and was standing IN HIS WET TIGHTY WHITIES, butt facing us, and on the tush was written some phrase in english with a picture of a monkey with a banana. I think it said something like "you are invited" or "the party starts here" or something to that effect. I can't remember...oy! but it was classic.

then we continue walking and i see this older, HAIRY HAIRY HAIRY man laying on some rocks with JUST tightie whities in such a "model laying on the beach showing off her bikini" pose. And these weren't big tighty whities, they were little.
it was NASTY.

thought i'd share.

Chag sameach, everybody!

Eat your heart out, Chof Gordon.

"Two Egg Ro-olls and an Order of Chi-icken Fried Ri-ice"

We've aaaaaaaaall seen it. The menus with the typos. The weird-ass t-shirts. For the love of G-d, I think there's a typo in my company's freaking NAME! (As explained in the link, I'm not going to write it out here but shouldn't there be an 's in it?)


Fine, we're not in America. I get it. But if you were going to open a restaurant in China...wouldn't you want to have a Chinese person proofread your menu first???


Benji If I Were A Bad Businessman: "Hey, Mr. Wu! Today's opening day! I can't wait to serve our first sweet and sour chicken!"
Mr. Wu: "I mahst tell you, Meester. Lahv-eett! You use way too menny 's in the menu! You weel offend our pee-pehl!"


BIIWABB: "Who caaaaaaaaaaaares!?!? WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

If any Israelis are considering doing anything in English and would like proofreading and editing for reasonable prices, please contact me. And by "reasonable", I mean "it might be free unless I decide otherwise."


Anyway....check out this recent advertisement sent to me by the very funny Esther Kustanowitz who has articles and writing in more places than I can link to.


Huh??? They put the "class" in "business?" WHERE DID THEY PUT IT??? Ech omrim "you're missing a word there, achi"?


Hey, Israir, here's a slogan for you. "We put the D+ in Marketing."


Now...I've never flown them and will assume they're a nice airline. I don't want to sound like a jerk but I'm not a huge fan of the name. "Israir". It's pronounced "Isra-air." Shouldn't there be another "A"? Was Israel Air taken? I just think the name "Isra-air" is kind of stupi-id. But I wish them the be-est, really I do.

The Shawarma-nator

And now…a look at life in Israel.

(2 minutes before this exchange, a co-worker I barely know invited me to his Seder. Good Lord, Israelis are the most hospitable people in the universe.)

Benji: Why are Israelis so nice? You can’t go to miluim (army reserves), we need KILLERS!
Co-worker: I become a kee-lehr, you have to make deh sweetch.
Benji: How do you do it?
Co-worker: You hev to do eet…you heve to be dee-fehr-ent on deh battlefield.
Benji: What about “Uri”, he can’t be a killer. (pointing to other really nice co-worker).
Co-worker: Uri, tell heem how we make deh sweetch.
Uri: (doesn’t even turn his head from computer, without flinching) No mohr Meester nice guy.

I’m sorry, I don’t care what your politics are, that’s funny. I swear that was from a Schwarzenegger movie.

"I'll be back...with a falafel."

Here’s another short exchange from last week when I was out with a couple of co-workers past midnight.

Benji: I will never believe how little sleep I have gotten since moving here! I would neeeeeeeeeeeever be out this late on a weeknight in America!
Lady: Israelis know how to hev fahn, you know!
Benji: It’s crazy! We have to wake up in the morning!
Lady: In Israel, you have fun tonight because tomorrow you can die.

This honesty moment has been brought to you by the number “taysha.”

Quick Pesach Fun

Only five shopping days till Seder. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple of quick kosher for Passover bits of fun...

It ain't Sir Mix-a-lot; it's my friend Dorf, produced by Molly over at The Big Felafel. Very rewatchable.

And for those of you who don't have the patience to sit through a full seder...

The Two-Minute Haggadah - A Passover seder for the impatient.

Opening prayers: Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-brow beat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through. The Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.

The singing of 'Dayenu':If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If He'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough. If He'd parted the Red Sea (remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) etc.

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some more songs. Try to stay awake.

Who knows one? Who knows two through thirteen? Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until God steps in.

Go to sleep. Do it again another night (optional).

Sadly, there's only one Seder here in Israel so I only get to do it once. More to come soon...chag samach!

Fuzzy Math: 7 + 11 = 60

Boker tov, my loyal readers-how are you? I was recently reminded that when someone greets you with "boker tov!" (good morning), one traditional answer to respond with is "boker or!" (morning light) I say "reminded" because I can't tell you the last time I recall hearing this. Is this a thing of the past, Israelis?

I think I'm going to bring that to the States next time I visit.

7-Eleven cashier: "Good morning."
Benji with wide-eyed smile: "MORNING LIGHT!"
Cashier: (reaches for gun, starts to call 911)

Yeah, I see that translating well.

Save it, language buffs-this ain't Ulpan Gordon.
(Although the bathrooms are probably about as nice.)

I wanted to bring to your attention a new and timely blog leading up to Israel's 60th next month. 60Bloggers.com is bringing together (all together now) sixty bloggers writing about their feelings towards this amazing country, one a day. The first post went up a few days ago and some of my friends/people I like will be among those writing including Harry Rubenstein from The View from Here and Jerusalemite and Esther Kustanowitz from My Urban Kvetch and JdatersAnonymous. Yours truly, Benji Massachusetts/Abu Lovitt will of course be writing as well so stay tuned. And forward this site to your friends!

Morning light to all of you!

60Bloggers.com is a joint project of Jewlicious and the Let My People Sing Festival

Methinks the New Israeli Apple Store Isn't Going to Sell This One

We laughed at their ridiculous t-shirts here...

We cried at their offensive shirts here...

I don't even know what to say about this one...

Never a boring day on the #18 bus.

The funny thing is that only two days earlier, my new friend Michal B. told me about this exact shirt. (Ok, the funny thing is that somebody would actually wear this in public.)

My loyal readers, if you see people wearing ridiculous English t-shirts, please send them my way. The pictures, not the people. Unless they want to help pay my arnona.

Deeeeeeeeeeeep Breaths

Here's a story passed on from a friend of mine which made me laugh (we'll call her "Melissa"...classic American Jew name). It sounds like we're cut from the same cloth.

I hear you about choking people who try to cut in line...

Every day I get stressed out waiting for the number 66 monit sheirut. People start to gather and sometimes when one arrives, they swarm. One day, I was there before anyone else and was waiting for at least 10 minutes (longer than usual). When it arrived, this guy started to walk in front of me to get on and I snapped at him (in Hebrew) "I WAS HERE BEFORE YOU!!!" He looked at me with a "jeez, crazy lady" look, then said "I know, don't worry." Of course when I get on, there are like 5 empty seats. I felt like such a schmuck.

I'm with you, Melissa, I'm with you.

Ok, and just because this made me laugh as well, in preparation for the big interview, she and I were engaged in a conversation about what Israeli women are looking for...a gever (a man) or a gever gever (uh...manly man?)

Gever gever is what you described earlier, the macho man of the house, my wife and kids will RESPECT me, kick some ass kind of guy.

Gever is a man who you have confidence in, is confident but not cocky. This is my main, simple definition. He is the opposite of a mama's boy. And it doesn't hurt if he knows how to change a tire (himself, no cheating by calling AAA) and how to set up a tent and build a fire. Don't know why, but those things came to mind. Silly definition I know, but it's mine.

Uhhhhh...anybody want to teach me how to set up a tent? I mean, teach someone else, I mean.... Do they call it Triple Aleph here?

"Ehhhhhhh............."
No, AAA!!!!!

Eat Your Heart Out, Johnny Carson

Three posts in one day??? What in the name of Dizengoff Center is going on here? I’ll tell you what’s going on.

For those of you who are new to the War Zone, last year, my main man David Brinn formerly of Israel21c was gracious enough to invite me to the Maxim magazine photo shoot here in Tel Aviv. It was then that I met Israeli model Nivit Bash, causing the Israeli Department of Transportation to dispatch three city workers to clean up the puddle of drool outside the Hashalom train station. I wrote a piece for this here blog, an article for 21c, and another update here and there.

Just because…

So guess whose stuff comes up first, second, third, fifth, and sixth in a Google search? Every month, I get a good number of Google searchers who type in “Nivit Bash” and find their way to my blog. This may have something to do with the first post being my most read, at least since I installed Google Analytics in December.

Since plenty of people seem to be interested in Nivit (it must be for her political views), I thought it might be worthwhile to interview her. People get to learn more about her, she gets publicity, and I get more page views (especially if she becomes the next Talentless Biotch Formerly Known as Bar.) Nu, zeh ween-ween! The model currently entered in my phone as “Nivit the Jewish Goddess” has agreed to meet with me Friday at noon for coffee (entered as such in order to distinguish her from Nivit the Supreme Court Justice and Nivit the Backup Point Guard.)

As far as I can recall, this will be my first real one-on-one personal interview, Larry King-style. What in the world should I ask this woman? Anything you guys are curious to know about? Clearly I have to broach the topics of arsim, line-cutting, and chumus, right? Who has ideas for questions, topics, and general interview decorum? If this goes well, hopefully it will lead to more interviews with other interesting Israelis. (And just to pre-empt the question, yes, she has a boyfriend. She made sure to mention it approximately 1.28 seconds after our conversation began.)

“Dudu from Kfar Pines, you’re on with Nivit Bash.”
(Think that’s pronounced “pines”? Welcome to Israel.)

New Column Out

My monthly column in the Atlanta Jewish Times's monthly supplement is out. Although I only put pen to paper a few weeks ago, it's safe to say this column has been running around my head for the better part of 15 years.

This month's theme is "Fashion and Beauty". It's a good one...

For hilarious email or RSS updates, take care of business over to the right. (Yes, that's a technical term. And what's not hilarious about RSS? I don't even know what I'm talking about...)

Abu Lovitt is Now Terrified to Order in Restaurants

They're calling out to Abu Lovitt again and this time it's from my office computer.

I did eat chumus in Abu Gosh a few weeks back. Could this have anything to do with it? Or maybe it's my dirty Arabic vocabulary.

On that note, good Lord, are you people familiar with the food called koosemet? If that's hasn't caused hilarious and embarrassing social interactions, then my name is Billy Ray Chickpea. That's like eating from an American salad bar and having to ask the kitchen worker if they have more "mothertucker."

Aleph, can someone tell me how to say "koosemet" in English and, bet, if you don't understand what this is all about...umm...I don't know what to tell you.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Beth Israel

So everybody knows that American movies are translated into funny or just weird names in Hebrew (and to be fair, other languages as well, although I’ll leave it up to Chien-Ming to make fun of his people on his Chinese immigration blog.) I referenced this phenomenon in this recent post and nowhere is it explained better than in this article which gives tons of examples.

“The Naked Gun” becomes “The Gun Died Laughing”
“George of the Jungle”… “The Jungle Died Laughing”
“BASEketball”…any guesses? You guessed it…“Falafel Man, Put Away Your Chest Hair”

Just making sure you're paying attention. But who is doing all this laughing?

"Hey, Dudu, this is lost in translation.
NO, I MEAN YOUR TRANSLATION IS LOST IN TRANSLATION!"

Look, how are you supposed to translate slang like “Knocked Up” into another language? Translators don’t have it easy and that’s where I come along. Starting now, I will be translating movie titles on this blog on a volunteer basis so they can be more easily understood by an Israeli audience. If you have any of your own, email them to me and I’ll post my favorites under the new category “Israeli Movie Titles”. Here are a few to get the party started, including the one from the aforementioned post.

• A lawyer is unable to tell a lie, causing him to be brutally honest with everyone around him. In America, this movie is called “Liar Liar”. In Israel, “Tuesday”.
  
• A look into racism, car accidents, and anger on the roads. In America, “Crash”. In Israel, “The Ayalon Freeway”.
  
• Chaos reigns supreme as beachgoers are terrorized and fear for their safety. In America, “Jaws.” In Israel, “Arsim.”
  
• A middle-aged man tries desperately to find love for the first time. In America, “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. In Israel, “One Ugly Chassid.”
  
• And just in case anyone thinks the previous title was anti-religious... A man eats nothing but fast-food for 30 days. In America, "Supersize Me." In Israel, "American Tourist." (Just so it's clear that I don't mean every chassid nor every American. Ok, I mean every American. At least the teenage ones.)

"Mah zeh two thahmbs up???
MAH ZEH??????"

Email me your movie titles and see you at the theater!

Just Call Me Abu Lovitt

Ok, Google, ya might want to work on those targeted ads.

How in Allah's name did this happen? Did someone buy a Koran on my computer when I was in the bathroom?

Reason #485 Why You Should Go to Ulpan

Any olim chadashim reading? Like really chadashim? Here’s a tip from Uncle Benji: go to Ulpan. A lot. Like nine times a day. If I could do this whole thing again, I’d take my first 6 months off and do an Ulpan full-time. Of course (all together now): If my aunt had…uh…

Ok, if the guy in the kipah and the extremely tacky t-shirt had a sheidel, he’d be an awkward religious woman.

Ok, what is with the t-shirts in this country?
Seriously. No, SERIOUSLY.

My Hebrew ain’t bad but Naughty by Nature won’t be singing “Feel Me Flow” about it anytime soon. (Hi-do you know me? My name is “worst attempt in history to sound cool.” So nice to meet you.) Just a few days ago, I stopped in Roladin, the bakery chain with a location near where I work. I size up the burekasim and tell the woman behind the counter “shtay tapuach adama, shtay tiras.” (Two potato, two corn) Although only .00323 seconds elapsed before realizing the error of my ways and yelling “tered! tered!” (spinach! spinach!), the damage had been done. I may as well have continued ordering in Martian (do they have an Ulpan for learning that language?)

When I went back today and ordered the same thing, correctly of course, she remembered me and couldn’t hide her smile. I said, “you come to America so I can laugh at you!” to which she answered, "I ehm lahf-eeng weeth you, noht aht you." Right. And Hamas is shooting with Sderot, not at it.

They better not be telling this story at the Roladin company Christmas party. I’m definitely going back in disguise next time.

How I'll be dressed for Roladin next time, or...
Just a typical day on Sderot Rothschild.
(Why does Spiderman need a uni-cycle?)

Well, I guess corn is pretty outrageous to add to foods. It’s not like people here eat corn on pizza or anything.

Oh yeah…YES THEY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cue the scary “Psycho” music.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

This is Why I Created the "Benji's Getting Serious" Category

We interrupt this program for me to break character for a minute. When I started this blog, it was the classic traveler’s journal for family and friends about my life, expectations, experiences, etc. It didn’t take long for me to find my voice and start making fun of everything here (because if you don’t as an immigrant, you might go insane). Rare is the occasion that I share too much about myself, thoughts, feelings, etc. This would be the good time to make the requisite April Fool’s joke about deciding to stop writing this blog out of some ideological reason but I’m a day late and lo ba li (I don’t feel like it).

I just wanted to share the feeling last night I had of being really PUMPED UP. B’kitzur, my friends know I first did stand-up comedy over 10 years ago, on and off for the next several years, more off than on, with years completely off at times. Finally, after numerous efforts over the years to dedicate myself (which truthfully never even got off the ground nor became more than meaningless declarations), I decided before last summer that it was time, and this time I meant it. A series of experiences were enough to “flip the switch” inside me, so to speak. Since September, I have been on a mission, performing at open mic nights in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, paid gigs here and there, private shows for groups, even dragging my butt literally out of bed on Erev Rosh Hashana to the open mic down the street which began past 12:30 AM if memory serves because the voice in my head was yelling at me again and I couldn’t stand to hear it any longer (I was literally lying in bed going to sleep, I didn’t literally drag my butt…is that possible?) It only took a couple of months for me to discern real significant improvement and it’s continued since then with great feedback throughout.

Many Tuesday nights I go to the open mic night at the Camel Comedy Club in Tel Aviv, one of the few comedy clubs in Israel (and I’m talking less than five…another example of how America is the land of everything and lots of it. And by the way, can we do something about that name? This country’s diplomats and shlichim are paid to teach the world that we have thriving cities, cutting-edge technology, and beautiful culture…can we stop giving the American teenagers camel rides when they come here?)

I hate riding my camel in Tel Aviv. Impossible to find parking.

Except for a couple of times, I have been the only American there and I spend my five minutes performing in English for an Israeli crowd who may or may not understand what the heck I’m talking about although to my surprise, the mostly teenage crowd does get most of it (I do however have to change some words here and there and throw in a gratuitous F-word which makes them laugh. "Ha, hu amar ‘fahk’! Ha ha!" People often ask me if I perform in Hebrew and while the answer is no, I have realized that not doing so keeps certain doors closed which I haven’t spent much time worrying about. (There are plenty of opportunities to perform here for English-speakers and plain and simple, my Hebrew ain’t even CLOSE to being good enough…and did I mention that life is busy as an oleh chadash? I have about 485 more important things to worry about like when I’m going to get my Israeli drivers license, buying furniture, and whatever else is always on my to do list. Switching over to Hebrew? One day…)

What am I saying? That although I usually do well at the Camel, there are never any guarantees when I am NOT SPEAKING THE NATIVE LANGUAGE OF THE PAYING AUDIENCE. (Yes, I have spent some time thinking about the complete insanity of this.) I have always believed that as long as I perform in English with the inherent risk that some or a significant percentage of the audience on any given night just won’t get it, I would not be asked by the management to move up and perform another night of the week in a higher-level show. And despite regularly getting one of the better receptions on Tuesday nights, no one has talked to me about moving up.

Until last night. As I was on my way out the door, one of the guys working who I’d not met before called me into his office. I probably didn’t catch every word and don’t even remember what he did say aside from the words “mitkadem” (advance) and “Yom Revi’i” (Wednesday). In this area of my life, I’ve taken most things in stride over the past few months. I am happy to admit that this to me was a beeg deel and it was hard for me to control my excitement as he was talking to me. I took the guy’s number, told him I’d call him, and expect to be on stage there next Wednesday. Five minutes later, I was outside breaking the news to my friends Etan and Amos and an Israeli comic Eyal. After my explaining that this was “a real show!”, Eyal brought me down to earth by saying “well, it’s not exactly a real show”. Ha ha…G-d forbid anything is better than just b’seder in this country. Ok, you know what? I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if the crowd is bigger, it’s not a paying gig, I probably get a few more minutes, I know before hand that I’m going on because it’s a set lineup and not an open mic, and that’s what I know, not to mention that they should be asking me to move up because of the reception I’ve gotten. But I don’t care. I moved to another country, am doing stand-up comedy, and am making people laugh IN ANOTHER BLEEPING LANGUAGE. In a place where olim chadashim often spend their time feeling like idiots, freirs, inadequate, and occasionally wanting to pull their hair out of their head, this is an victory. (Nefesh B'Nefesh is going to put a hit on me if I keep scaring away Diaspora Jews. If I disappear, you know who did it.) I may look back in two weeks and say “what was I talking about?” This is no different from what I was doing before and almost certainly my goals will continue to change, making Thursday nights the beeg deal.

But for now, even for a short time, I’m appreciating this and tooting my own horn. Because wanting something, working hard for it, and getting it is what life’s all about. Or something like that. And the day I perform just five minutes in broken Hebrew and get even one laugh? I won’t even know how to describe that.

Whew…

Update: I just talked to my friend Tal who also performs on Wednesdays. Remember SAT analogies? Tuesday is to Wednesday...as Wednesday is to Thursday. It’s basically the next level, no big surprise. You do that for who knows how long and if you’re good enough, they move you to the next night, a more professional show. Tal confirmed that of course you get more time on Wednesday (8 minutes maybe?) and the quality of performers is higher although the crowds recently have not been as big as Tuesdays. And perhaps the best thing is that it’s more stage time. I can still go on Tuesdays to practice and work stuff out and then treat Wednesday like more of a performance. And everyone in stand-up knows that the #1, #2, and #3 most important things in stand-up is to find a way to get onstage.

When Prigat Just Won't Do

Can I be a simple American for a second?

B’kitzur, an Israeli friend of mine here needed help translating a list of foods given to her for her new diet. She looked at the list confused, looked at me, and asked “Mah zeh V-Shmoneh?”

I spent the next five minutes laughing.

Coming soon in falafel flavor.

Either it's funny to you or it's not. Maybe in 10 years, I won't laugh. Then again, it only took me a few months to get over the funny sound of MP-shalosh.