"Workin' 9 to 5! What a Way to Make A....Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

Some more work-related thoughts after a long day, wondering when I'm going to write about Yom Ha'atzmaut...

• Is there anything more annoying on the planet than looking down at your fingers, hunting and pecking for the Hebrew letters to type a word, looking up and realizing you were in English the whole time? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even have a joke here. I find this about as funny as an infected toenail.
• How long does it take to get used to Hebrew Windows really? Five? Six thousand years? It's like using a computer in front of the mirror, looking for the little "X" on the wrong side of the screen while trying to close a window.
• I LOVE how Israelis eat. Just kills me and I'm not making fun this time. I saw someone in my building last week start eating a whole pepper in her hand, as if it were an apple. Has any American in recorded history done such a thing? A whole Big Mac, maybe. Same thing goes for a cucumber.
• It's taking me forever to find the appropriate person in my company-wide address book. I'm rounding of course but I'm fairly certain there are 16 bajillion Keren's in the office.
• Sitting in someone's office last week, her cell phone starts to ring with...any guesses as to the ringtone? No, not this one. How about "The Muppet Show"? I start looking around...nobody even flinches. I turn the other way in shock and disbelief. No one looks up. Am I dreaming? DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE ANY CONCEPT ABOUT WHAT WE'RE LISTENING TO??? You're really pushing 50 paying homage to Fozzie Bear on your pelephone?

"Shmulik, call on line 2..."

Ok, this happened in my last job and I witnessed it again Friday at Dizengoff Center to my disbelief. What in the world is with the women cleaners in this country who decide to go into the mens' bathrooms and start mopping the floor WHILE THEY ARE SURROUNDED BY MEN GOING TO THE BATHROOM? What is the appropriate action to take at that time? Who should be more embarrassed, them or us? Do they even CARE? Should WE? Should I show up in this woman's house and start painting her walls while she's having relations with her husband? When she starts to shriek, I'll just say "yiyeh b'sedeeeeeeeeeeeeer!"

First-time readers, don't run away. I promise it gets better. Did I mention it's past midnight?

Ech Omrim "Rat Race"? Never Mind...I Won't Understand Anyway

Hello, my loyal readers-how in the heck are you? I'm good. As expected, Yom Hazikaron and Yom Ha'atzmaut were simply amazing, moving, and inspiring. I can't seem to write about holidays in less than five billion words (see any past entry about a chag) so you can expect an update around the time Lag B'Omer rolls around. I have GREAT video from Kikar Rabin (and on the #18 bus interviewing some old lady)...anyboday want to come to my apartment and edit this stuff in iMovie?

So why am I too busy to write a recap? Because of my new job, that's why. And, boy, is it a challenge so far. Let me make this very clear: this is not a disgruntled employee about to complain about his job (if I did that in my blog, I'd be an idiot...especially because my department director is on the mailing list.) What this is is my sense of humor attempting to get me through this period. The people are amazing, I'm gonna love it, it's gonna be incredibly rewarding, but in the short term, in addition to some other factors, the language issue is proving to be a challenge. Which is kind of like saying "Siberia is proving to be chilly."

"Ech omrim 'it's two Kelvin'? It's cold as (falafel) balls."

When my co-workers are working till midnight before the insanely busy season (which is actually upon us), I'm trying to do the math to understand where I'm going to find more hours in the day. I have 70-something emails in my inbox, I can't read them because they're in Hebrew, and I'm superstressed. Time is of the essence, people, which is why I've developed some oleh chadash professional strategies to make it through my Hebrew work day. Here are some of them:

Stimulus:
Desk phone rings.

Response:
"Go to hell. I'm making snow angels on the Ayalon before I answer that."

Stimulus:
My inbox fills up.

Response:
Is it sent only to me? No? "Go to hell, I'm hitting delete, I don't care if it's Billy Bob Ben-Gurion telling me we're having Cosmos on Tuesday."

Stimulus:
Department meeting commences. Lasts two hours, all in Hebrew. "If there's something important, say it in the first hour before my brain shuts down." They could have announced that Steven Tyler was taking over lead vocals on the Kaveret reunion tour, I wouldn't have given a flying falafel.

How many Crembos could he fit in there? Three at least, right?

One positive development was when my boss mercifully switched my Windows to English which of course then switched the way the dates were written. Just after I had actually gotten used to the European style. An Outlook reminder pops up for a meeting on 5/7, last Wednesday, and the first thing that pops in my head is "Huh??? Why is this reminding me about a meeting on July 5th???"

Good thing we Jews have senses of humor. I'm going to need it.

Omig-d, 50% of My Body is Now Hamburger

It's Yom Ha'atzmaut, which is Hebrew for "go to the park and eat a cow". It's all about the mangal (barbeque grill). Much to say about this incredible day...but no energy to put the proverbial pen to paper right now. (Ech omrim "proverbial pen"?)

In the meantime, here's a recent article I wrote for PresenTense Magazine, a relatively new Jewish monthly mag. The theme of the issue is, what else? Israel's 60th and the topic of the article is Facebook in Israel. Enjoy...and chag ha'atzmaut sameach!

Future advertisement for Goldstar? I'm waiting by the phone...

Yom Hazikaron (Still Not Israeli)

Dammit! I did it again. (I almost sounded like Britney there.)

This time, wearing an orange polo. Of course I slept on a couch in Jerusalem last night so it's not like I had much choice.

Racing back to Tel Aviv for the fun to begin tonight. Details to come.

Chag Ha'atzmaut Sameach, wherever you are.

Home and Rotting Vegetables?

Post #2 today:

Hot off the presses, my latest column in the Atlanta Jewish Times.

Eat Your Heart Out, Empire State Building

This is about all I have energy to post... Showing up in the same clothes as the day before can only mean one of two things:

1) "WawaWEEwa!"
2) Your new co-workers said, "come on, watch Maccabi Tel Aviv in the Euroleague championship game and then just crash here in Jerusalem!" and you said yes. The related lack of sleep and time away from my apartment gives even more reason to look forward to the upcoming time off...as if Israel's 60th weren't exciting enough already.

I can't believe I'm still managing to post these days...we'll see how long it lasts.

Here's something that had me tickled pink yesterday (ech omrim "tickled pink"?) I managed to understand the vast majority of it. Seems the Israelis are slowly entering the War Zone and enjoying it.

And finally, before I fall asleep drooling on my MacBook, here's a pic to get you excited for the 60th. I love Azrieli.
Apparently the individual lights are "sold" for 10 shekels each with the money going to some good cause. Anybody know anything?

Benji Massachusetts Travel Announces New Trips to Sderot!

Here's a recent Ynet column which I found to be a must-read. The author describes what the Kassams have done to....ummmm...."intimacy" in Sderot.

Sderot is not Tel Aviv. Here you will not find pick-up bars or crowded pubs, and it is not easy to find a partner for a one-night stand. Usually, I have been told, relationships here develop slowly and surely, and only the crackling rocket alert loudspeaker serves to accelerate the process. Indeed, the Qassam rockets are an effective and active matchmaker.

Who wants to be alone when rockets are landing around here? At times of distress, we all need an embrace, a shoulder to cry on, a warm chest, and a comforting and protective body: I don’t want to stay alone tonight, so stay with me - simple words that connect people and arouse hidden desires.

In order to support the economy of our barraged Negev town, it is with great excitement that the Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency announces its new vacation package to Sderot. This package is open to singles only and will begin with a "mifgash" component through which Tel Aviv residents will be paired up with singles of Sderot. The mifgash will take participants to a local winery to enjoy delicious Israeli wines. (In the absence of local wineries, participants will proceed directly to the hosts' residence to discuss current events, take part in social activism, and get drunk.) This is the "home hospitality" portion of the trip, designed to strengthen connections between the two cities, or whatever.

First and last stop on the tour: Motel Shesh.
I hope they serve V-Shmoneh.

The bus will leave immediately after the completion of the hospitality component, no later than 4 AM, due to our very important meeting in the morning.

To any Israelis who have not yet been to Sderot, I highly encourage you to go and there's no better way than on an organized tour.

Benji Massachusetts Travel: Connecting People

Glad to See Israel's 60th is Putting Everyone in a Good Mood

Did you see my post a few months back about SOS Israel?

To review, this religious group led by Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpo decided that we'd all be better off not living in the current state of Israel, which along with the US, according to him, are partners in our own destruction, but in a new autonomous state in Judea and Samaria. In concordance with this decision, on the eve of Israel's 60th, SOS Israel has redesigned the Israeli flag with the Magen David replaced by a Gush Katif yeshiva destroyed after the disengagement.


I have taken the liberty of redesigning the flag as well and plan to send it to SOS Israel so that they might consider it once they establish their new state. It's a little raw but not bad for a first draft.

Why am I getting a hankering for Cocoa Puffs?

The full story from Ynet.

(Thank you, Blogger, for your new future-date function! It's Friday mid-day right now...hope this story's still relevant in two days.)

I Think They Just Opened the Dictionary and Threw Darts at Words

I can't believe this type of thing isn't allowed. Must be a security thing.

See IsraeliByDay.com for more horrendous signs...

Internet Marketing 101: Free Tips from Abu Lovitt

Good morning, my loyal readers-and now a quick lesson in internet marketing.

Heard about the four P's? Let's go through them quickly.
1) Product: what you're selling. Let's take Mexican food in Israel for example. It's nasty. Good luck marketing that.

2) Price: self-explanatory. Dr. Pepper costs 85 million shekels per can. I wonder why they don't sell more here. The more competitive your prices, the easier you'll be able to sell your product. Have you been to AM/PM before in Tel Aviv? I only go there if, aleph, it's Shabbat, or bet, I'm at gunpoint. They won't be hiring me for their marketing team anytime soon.

AM: PM stands for "Ante Meridiem: Post MAMA MIA ARE YOU FREAKING JOKING???"

3) Place: where you're selling, how the product gets to the customer. I hear our neighbors make chumus better than we do. I also won't be finding out anytime soon. This may explain why I don't see many commercials for Chickpea Joe's in Ramallah (or maybe it's because I don't have cable.)

4) Promotion: where and how you get your message to your customer. Internet advertising is the way to go these days although it seems that we still have some kinks to figure out in 2008.

WHY AM I SEEING THIS ON MY COMPUTER???

Apparently, the hottest new site for Jewish online dating.
Jdate, consider yourself warned.

Ooh la la! Baby baby-how about you come back to my place and we make fatwas all night long? At least they made the ad in my native language this time.

More misplaced Middle East advertising from everybody's favorite Arab Jewish blogger!

Thanks, Talia!