This is Not Your Father's Haveil Havalim (Issue #193)

Do you smell it, people? No, it's not turkey and stuffing....it's Haveil Havalim, issue #193. This is the weekly "blog carnival" of the Jewish/Israeli blogosphere, created by Soccer Dad and currently maintained by our friend Jack. When I asked Jack to explain the whole carnival concept to me, he responded by sending the fattest man in the world and a two-headed donkey.

In Haveil Havalim, we recap what people have been writing about in the J-blogosphere. Believe it or not, WWZ regulars, there are actually people delving into topics deeper than inappropriate Israeli t-shirts and advertisements. If you'd like to receive weekly updates about this here blog carnival, you can join the Facebook group, Haveil Havalim- The Best Of The Jewish/Israeli Blogosphere. I keep looking for the MySpace group but to no avail. The only thing I really know about MySpace is that it's apparently for aspiring musicians and predators. 100 million members and a few bad apples have to ruin the party. Thanks, predators. We appreciate it.

For the love of G-d, Jack, get this guy off my couch. I NEED TO GO TO WORK!!!!
I can't believe I agreed to host this thing.

So a few days ago on a Jerusalem bus, I suddenly found myself listening to some loud, annoying techno music. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I was being subjected to it by a teenager behind me blasting it out of his cell phone. Is it only in Israel where this horrible trend has developed where people treat a public space like their own private dance party? I seriously fear that if we don't put a stop to this now, it will spread like the Macarena among dorky white people in the 1990s. And I think we all remember how painful that was.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!
MAKE IT STOP!"

Alan Dershowitz says terrorism works because we reward it and that not only must we not do so, we must also punish it to make it clear that NOTHING will be gained from it. Right on, Dersh. I am suggesting that anyone who plays music aloud on one's cell phone not only be banned from buses forever, but they should also have to eat 20 Crembos a day for the rest of winter. (I'm sorry, but those things are nasty. I had one last week and I think I'm done until next year.) If you see this behavior yourself in Israel or anywhere else, please...tell them to stop. For the future of the human race.

And if you do smell turkey cooking, happy belated Thanksgiving! Highlights of my holiday:

3) Eating pumpkin pie at the Nefesh B'Nefesh dinner. So good...
2) Finding out my Texas Longhorns stomped on their rival, keeping their post-season football hopes alive.

And the #1 highlight of the Thanksgiving holiday....without question:

"Ehhhh....mah zeh 'Stove Top' ?"

Ready, people? Let's jump right in.

Israel
Some dumb oleh writes a hilarious account of the 1st day of the recent General Assembly (GA) in Israel. (Yeah, so it's from 2 weeks ago...you wanna make somethin' of it? Good stuff, I'm telling you.)

See what happened when Esser Agaroth recently came across some "crazy settlers".

Muse of Shiloh Musings talks about what the color orange means today in 2008.

Batya Medad looks at the map of Israel and explains why she's a pragmatist.

Cosmic X suggests you take a look at this while you still can.

Esser Agaroth details his personal meeting with the Shabak security services.

Yid with Lid worries about some of the people President-elect Obama may choose as advisers with regards to Israel.

Soccer Dad gives his thoughts on the media's criticism of Israel's actions in Gaza.

Looking for a reasonably priced business lunch? Search no more and check out the Jerusalemite blog.

Our Shiputzim tells an amusing story about an American trying to pin down the right word in Hebrew.

What do pirates have to do with Israel? Daled Amos tells us here and speculates on the upcoming Israel election,

Joel Katz wraps up the week's highlights of religion and state in Israel.

Looking for a good year in Israel program? Me-ander has a suggestion for you.

My Right Word says "l'chayim" and hopes that this is not threatened by a boycott of Israel. He also expresses shock at the source of these anti-Shimon Peres comments.

Culture
Some dumb oleh looks at the difference between the American and Israeli senses of humor.

Did you hear who recently visited in Israel? Aussie Dave tells us with his quote of the day.

Here in HP goes to shul and reviews a new film called "A Light for Greytowers".

Isramom answers the question "where were you when?" and remembers some moments from yesteryear.

The Jerusalemite Blog gives us the top 5 children's attractions in Jerusalem and interviews esteemed printmaster Arik Kilemnik.

Craft Stew gives us a needlepoint pattern for a Torah. Between this and Drawing Tel Aviv's watercolor of Bograshov St., there are some nice artists in the blogosphere.

Cosmic X has a nice picture of dusk in Jerusalem

Judaism
The Real Shliach lets us in on a debate he witnessed regarding Jewish ritual.

Mike in Midwood says hagba isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Life of Rubin remembers the victims of the terrible tragedy in India, as does Friar Yid and Shvach. The Rebbetzin's Husband takes a look at this week's parsha to remember and ask why? Letters of Thought has a lot on his mind but comes back to Mumbai. Daled Amos passes on a tefillah on behalf of the victims.

Heard of the Ethiopian holiday Sgid? Shvach tells us about it here, links to a column about the haredim "falling behind", and weighs in on Denmark's views on circumcision.

Achas L'Maala V'Sheva L'Matta asks if the yeshiva world is ready for webcam dating.

A Simple Jew interviews blogger Akiva of Mystical Paths about his emuna in Eretz Yisrael.

Material Maidel asks if Christians do it better.

Shimshonit looks at Americanism vs. Judaism and reflects on her liberal upbringing.

Seen the new posters around Crown Heights? My Shtub has and isn't sure what to think.

Anti-Semitism
Shiloh Musings says something's fishy about being Jewish here in Israel.

My Right Word writes about how one woman's dalliance with a gigolo two years ago led him to Joseph Goebbels and from there to the murder of Haim Arlosoroff.

Politics
Here in HP says you better look closely at a cause before giving.

Occidental Israel asks Condi why it's always Israel's fault and comments on France's about-face in world affairs.

Yisrael Medad weighs in on Condi as well and what she's thinking.

Cosmic X weighs in on Tzipi Livni's advertising campaign

Humor
Some dumb oleh looks at the ridiculous calendar of Agadir Burger Bar in Tel Aviv.

Frum Satire rants while asking if you know what's going on at the bimah.

Jacob da Jew posts a Parshat Quiz which makes him smile.

Want to start a kosher business? Mike in Midwood tells you how.

History
Everyone Needs Therapy tells us what she recently learned from a scholar in residence at shul.

Personal
Some dumb oleh can't believe a cat is walking around his office. Only in Israel.

Here's a special mention of my friend Danny of the blog Israeli by Day who recently was drafted into the army. He's somehow finding the time to document his experiences and writes here about learning Krav Maga. Check out all his posts from the last few weeks for more "adventures."

Me-ander shows us pictures from her dinner with Jerusalem's most handsome bachelors.

Rabbi Paul of Or am I? shows us an ethical will he once shared with his congregation.

The writers at Shiloh Musings muse about Thanksgiving in Israel and remember what happened in Israel 35 years ago.

Rechovot: A Place to Expand thinks you should read this too.

Beneath the Wings takes a look at people's need for independence.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of Haveil Havalim using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: haveil havalim, blog carnival.

The next issue of Haveil Havalim will be hosted by Shiloh Musings and Me-ander.

JACK!!!!! COME GET YOUR DAMN DONKEY!!!!

New Employee

Without further ado, I would like to welcome my newest co-worker:

CHUMUSFACE.
Look at him working, folks! Can you feel the excitement???

Chumusface Returns!

You better believe it, baby! It's everybody's favorite ongoing saga: Chumusface is back, meowing like he owns this place. My co-worker just screamed "LECHI!" (GO!) at it and it obliged. Amazing-even the animals here speak Hebrew.

And by the way, yes, it bothers me that both animals and five-year olds speak better than I do. Although in all fairness, I haven't heard the cat talk yet.

Gotta highlight this comment from yesterday, coutesy of Baila:
My first Yom Kippur here a dog walked into the Beit Knesset and just walked around like it belonged there. Some people were horrified (mostly us Anglos), but many people didn't even bat an eyelash.

Where are animals not welcome here? And is it possible to email pics from my Nokia without any additional internet service?

STAY TUNED!!!

(Oh yeah...and Happy Thanksgiving, Americans!)

UPDATE: WE'VE GOT PICTURES!!!

Live Blogging an Animal Walking around My Office

In case you didn't hear, there are roughly 46 million cats in Israel. That may or may not include the one which has camped out in the middle of our office. This would definitely be one of those moments where I'm looking around, pinching myself, and asking, "Am I the only one who finds this absolutely ridiculous?" No one else seems to find it weird (much like when "I'm Too Sexy" comes on Galgalatz and no one flinches). It's not so much that a cat could walk into an office, but that he has....and no one is fazed enough to see a need to get rid of it.

What if this was a kupat cholim (HMO)? Would someone do something then?

UPDATE: (A few hours later) The cat has just set up shop on somebody's chair and is about as apathetic towards those around him as they, to him. I just named him Chumusface.

Back to School

It's not just a Rodney Dangerfield movie anymore.

I really need to get my tooseek back to Ulpan. I'm looking for something one night a week. The only one you ever hear about is Ulpan Etzion. Jerusalemites: any recommendations for an Ulpan in this city or is Etzion the way to go?

On another note, this happened in the office yesterday:

Co-worker #1: Benj, I like your shirt.
Benj: Thanks, it's from Banana Republic.
Co-worker #1: Oh, I like Bah-nah-na Reh-pah-bleek. I also lahv Aber-crahm-bee end Feetch.

Co-worker #2: Mah zeh Crahm-bee end Feetch?

Laughter ensues.

Abercrombie and Fitch....also known as soft pornography.
But that's for another blog.

Agadir Burger Bar: A Different Kind of Service

Good morning, my loyal readers! Have you worked up a hearty appetite yet? If you have and you're craving a good hamburger, you have a few options. I personally don't love hamburgers so much here as they just don't taste the same as good American burgers in my opinion. In Tel Aviv, I know of a couple places which are pretty popular nonetheless.

Moses is on Rothschild Boulevard and is a happenin' late-night place to eat. Not my personal fave but pretty popular among most people. Then there's Agadir Burger Bar, and holy falafel balls, I'm a bit surprised that Tel Aviv restaurants are written up in the New York Times. Wow. I've had some satisfying, tasty burgers at the Nachalat Binyamin location, not so much for the meat itself but more all the toppings you can get: fried onions, guacamole, mushrooms...whatever you might get in the States. But there's something else about Agadir that makes their burgers taste a little better. Umm...how shall I put this? Did anyone ever notice anything unusual about the waitstaff? Namely, that they're smokin' hot?!?

And if you think I'm making this up...without further ado...I present to you...

The Agadir calendar!

No joke-a friend of mine told me about it and I was able to track one down. While Hooters may be uncouth, everybody knows that the point of the restaurant is to objectify the women. THIS IS A NORMAL RESTAURANT! Gooooo, tackiness! (Yeah, so it's from 5768. Deal.)

For some reason though, on top of the inherent tackiness, I feel like they messed it up. They decided to make a calendar to showcase their beautiful women....but instead of the expected skimpy clothing shots, they just picked photographs with them doing really weird things. Let's have a look...

I know that health regulations in this country are more lax than in America but this is ridiculous! (It may also explain why the vegetables here have so much more flavor.)

I gotta be honest...I never found gardening to be nearly as much fun as this woman makes it out to be. What in G-d's name is WRONG with her???

No wonder it takes so long to bring me a glass of water. For the love of G-d, GET THE HELL OUT OF YOUR BATHING SUITS AND GIVE ME SOME SERVICE!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THAT KITCHEN???

Not only is the five-ace waitress not to be trusted, she's also smoking a cigar. Another has her hands in her hair and another has one hand beneath the table.
Suddenly I'm a bit uncomfortable with them serving my food.

So there you have it, the Agadir calendar. I found it to be a little disappointing frankly but trust me, it's worth a visit. For their burgers, I mean.

What's So Funny?

Want to know what's HOT? My cable company, that's what's HOT. It's either that or YES, the two choices of cable companies in Israel. I haven't had cable in the two years I've lived here...well, not until now anyway. My two roommates have cable which means that I have no more excuses for not sitting my tooseek down and watching the news in Hebrew to learn a few things. (I find tooseek to be a funny word. It's not so different from the Yiddish word tuchus but it amuses me for some reason. Maybe because people in America don't really use tuchus in normal conversation but tooseek seems to be the actual word, as far as I know. Or maybe just because Hebrew makes me laugh.)

Today, I realized that "The Office" was on Bip (pronounced beep), the Israeli comedy channel. No subtitles to practice reading Hebrew; oh well. Anyway, this reminded me of a conversation I recently had with my Israeli friend Eitam about the Israeli sense of humor.

It's actually come up in conversation with a few people recently, how Israelis don't get sarcasm and irony. I haven't figured out exactly what it means but since at least three people have repeated it, there must be something to it. Apparently what most people here like about "Seinfeld" is the slapstick of Kramer, for example, and less the dialogue and discomfort from many of the situations that unfold.

I asked Eitam, "So you're telling me that Israelis just don't get shows like 'The Office' or 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' and all the awkward things that Michael or Larry David say to people?"

His answer? "Most Israelis don't find those situations uncomfortable because Israelis would say all those things. It would be funnier if the character didn't say them!"

Whoa. That's scary. Does that mean Israelis aren't shaking their heads laughing at this story? I know I laughed, and believe me, NOT because it's ok. Exactly the opposite...because you just don't know what else to do. Maybe the same reason I laughed after almost getting hit the other day. What are people thinking in this country at times?

"Ehhhh....dees Leh-ree Deh-veed guy eez scree-meeng to express heem-self and heez chutzpah?
Waht eez so fah-ny about that?"

I don't get it....which brings us back to bullet point #2 here.

Traffic: It's Not Just on the Ayalon

Haveil Havalim, the weekly J-blog wrap-up, is now up over at Ima on and off the Bima. Enjoy...

Hello, my loyal readers-hope you had a nice Shabbat.

Hey, here's a question for you: A commenter recently noticed the change in this blog's title with the addition of "Because the Middle East is Funny". Any thoughts on that? I have it on my other site and it always gets noticed when I pass out business cards so I feel like there's something good there. Does it take away from the main blog name? Does it add? Distract? Does anyone care? Anyone?

"Anyone like chumus? Anyone? Anyone?"

Speaking of marketing, SEO (search engine optimization), and all that, here's another way to drive traffic to your site. I learned at the Nefesh B'Nefesh blogger conference that writing about controversial things attracts readers. This might be a good time to tell you that over the weekend, I went to Hebron to camp out in this house and attack Israeli soldiers. On the way home, I hit a tennis ball against the Kotel and put Tzipi Livni in the figure-four leglock just because I felt like it.

Anybody want to make something of it?

Live Blogging Getting Hit by a Car

Because nothing gets you people more excited than the words "live blogging"...

Yeah, so about 10 minutes ago, I was walking home from the shuk in the minutes before Shabbat. I approached a crosswalk around the same time as a car. Having lived right off Sderot Rothschild in Tel Aviv for a year and a half, I've done the car-pedestrian tango* a jillion times. Pedestrians get the right of way always, and the cars are always good about slowing down. Well, they had been up to now.

In the split-second right before the car drove into my bag of groceries, I suddenly realized that the car was going to drive into my bag of groceries. I wasn't in any danger myself as I was watching the car the whole time, albeit unconsciously (since, you know, where I come from, high-speed car drivers exercise some level of caution around mortal beings.)

So what would your reaction be when almost getting run over? I don't know what it would be in America but I can tell you what words flew out of my mouth here: "MAH ZEH?!?!" Nothing sends a message of ultimate condemnation more than "WHAT IS THIS?!" I couldn't express else at that moment besides a look of shocked disgust although approximately 3.4 seconds later, I was laughing at the ridiculousness of it. At least he didn't have the chutzpah to argue with me. He said something like "I didn't see you!" Maybe I'll enlist in the army; it's got to be safer than walking on the street.

Just another thing which scares me less than walking.

More live blogging!
Live blogging cleaning my room!
Live blogging the presidential debate!
Live blogging flying to America!

I think it's beyond time to create some new categories in this thing....

*Ech omrim "car-pedestrian tango"?

*Beelti Precedentzia (Unprecedented)....And There's a 30% Chance That's Actually How You Say It

Something I forgot to ask when I wrote this whole thing:

Am I the first oleh in recorded history to make aliyah to Tel Aviv and then move to Jerusalem? I know someone who did Jerusalem-Tel Aviv-back to Jerusalem (not the guy from Hadag Nachash.) I know someone who moved to TA, got married, and moved to Jerusalem. No asterisks, no exceptional reasons, just a single person actually choosing to leave Tel Aviv to try living in J-town. Has an American ever done this? Somebody get Nefesh B'Nefesh and the Guinness Book of World Records on the phone.

I'm not saying I'm as freaky as this lady
but it is kind of a rare thing, don't you think?

*Precedentzia-milah o lo milah?

It's UJC's GA 2008....No, It's the Matza Ball....Oh Hell, IT'S A PARTY!!!!!!

Hello, my loyal readers, from the center of the Jewish world! That's right, it's everyone's favorite annual event....the Beersheva Dog Show! To those of you who didn't just get Rickrolled, it's the UJC GA 2008 (General Assembly). (And for the Hebrew-speakers out there, rik-RAL-ti otchem. You're damn right I just conjugated it. We're only one paragraph in and the fun's already begun. Did I mention it's the GA 2008?!?) This is a good, meaty post, just like you like it, people, coming straight from the War Zone. Let's do it.

Thanks to my favorite boys and girls at Nefesh B'Nefesh, I was one of the lucky ones selected to spend my Sunday shmoozing and representing the immigrant population at the biggest gathering of Jewish leaders this side of the Jordan River. The GA is the annual event of United Jewish Communities, the umbrella organization of the Federations, which raises oodles of cash for all sorts of Jewish institutions in America and Israel through its Super Sunday solicitation, missions, etc. To celebrate Israel's 60th, it's taking place not far from my new digs.

Sunday only? (All together now...)
Come on, Nefesh B'Nefesh...HOOK A BROTHA UP!

Before the event officially kicked off Sunday night, the day leading up to it was labeled "NextGen" and devoted to the young demographic of Jewish leaders which I apparently still fall into. With all the talk about the next generation, I fully expected the event to be co-sponsored by Pepsi.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

From the moment I arrived, it was clear what I had gotten myself into: quite possibly the biggest Jewish networking event ever (eat your heart out, AIPAC policy conference.) The day kicked off at Yad Vashem where several hundred of us listened to some opening remarks and ran into an incredible number of familiar faces. By 9 AM, I had already run into an ex-girlfriend/roommate, a camper I hadn't seen in 15 years, someone who reads my blog who I'd never met, and a ton of others. Living here for two years gave me quite the perspective: is there a more American, or American Jewish professional, activity than power shmoozing at one of these conferences? The Amazing Race should create a version where your goal is to exchange as many business cards as possible in a 24 hour period. "Ready? GO!"

I also became conscious that I was one of the few wearing jeans. Guess what? I'm Israeli. Yiyeh b'sedeeeeeeeeeeer!!!!!

A few random thoughts:

• One of the first speakers welcomes us and tells us that later on, we'll be reconvening at...(here it comes)...."Binyanei Hu'ama." Don't worry, dude, we've all been there. He gets it right later on (Binyanei Ha'uma.)
• Edgar Bronfman tells us that at age 36, David Ben-Gurion was the head of the Labor Party. Herzl was 36 when he came to Palestine. Anybody else feel like an underachiever? Suddenly, winning at Sudoku doesn't feel quite as important anymore. I officially have two years to do something. He says let's not talk about intermarriage as an enemy but as a reality. He continues, saying that the biggest threats to the Jewish community are ignorance and apathy, "I don't know and I don't care." I have one thing to say to that. WHATEVER.
  
• I met a nice couple sitting next to me from Louisville, Kentucky. The husband was making his first trip in over 20 years and the wife, her first ever, thanks to winning a Federation leadership award. Nice people, and graduates of my alma mater, the University of Texas at Austin. What a city. We alumni always hit it off.
  

Edgar Bronfman gets his speech on. E-Bron, if you're reading this...umm, can I go out with your granddaughter? Grandson? Cleaning lady? I'm not picky.

• If not overheard, then mind-read about 100 times throughout the day: "Hey, aren't we Facebook friends?" Welcome to life in 2008.
• I love when Israelis say words like "Federatzia." That will never not be funny. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go discuss some simulatziot and situatziot. (My co-worker and I have a new game called "milah o' lo milah?" (word or not word?) If you guessed that those were all words, you'd be right. Let's try another: interpretatzia. I totally just made that up, yet there's a 62.5% chance that it's a word. I love Hebrew.)
• Ok, seriously, can someone please remind me again which Bronfman is which? Edgar, Charles, Samuel....they're our version of the Baldwins, only with fewer misdemeanors.
• I'm taking notes and cracking jokes at Yad Freaking Vashem. I'm going to hell. No, I'm not, I'm servicing my readers. Yes, I am....NO, I'M NOT! It was right around this point where the ushers passed out silly string and noisemakers. Just kidding. Hey, is anyone still reading?
  
• A couple of women have pins on that said "Ask me about a Federation career." They never tell you what to ask though. I'm going to ask, "If you had to be stuck on a deserted island with one Federation career, which would it be and why?"
• We watch a video which mentions the International School for Holocaust Studies. Move over, Florida State, that sounds like quite the party campus. Who would want to go there and what's their safety school, Pogrom University?
  
• We disperse to start our various day trips to sites around Jerusalem. Recommence the shmoozing on 3...2...1! What would be the most attention-grabbing introduction possible? "Hi, I'm Tom Davis, Messianic Judaism Movement. Damn glad to meet ya!"
  

Recognize the man on the left? It's the godfather of Nefesh B'Nefesh himself. Ten points to the first person who can name him. And so many accomplishments by 36! (I can't stop kvelling.)

My bus, made of mostly of MASA-niks from Otzma and the Israel Government fellows, heads to Hadassah Hospital to visit the emergency trauma wing, the children's ward, and to hear a lecture about stem cell research that required a degree from Harvard Medical School to follow. When I turn around, three people are sleeping. Reminds me of my Israel tour when I was 15. Ahh, the memories. They could screen the next Star Wars movie here and half the group would fall asleep.

We learn that in Hadassah Hospital, Arabs and Jews are treated and cared for equally, with no one being asked where they're from or what they believe. A patient is a patient. And the pediatric ward is pretty amazing, where they've created an environment designed to make kids feel as comfortable as possible with toys and colors decorating the lobby and walls. Apparently every floor has a different animal so the kids remember where are. Kind of like that "Seinfeld" when Jerry suggested that the floors in the parking garage should have different names like "Your mother's a whore." I'm guessing we won't be seeing Farfur and his merry friends. (I'm not gonna lie, I love a good Farfur reference.) Walking through the hospital, I run into a guy I haven't seen since college, easily ten-plus years ago. His UT hat gave him away, he's on some kind of mission, and guess what? He reads the blog. Too funny. I love the GA.

Off to Binyanei Ha'uma for breakout sessions. Mine is about Israel Today. Interesting stuff. I run into a guy I hosted while working at the Israeli Consulate in Atlanta almost six years ago through Israel at Heart. This is getting ridiculous! But we're just getting started apparently. Everything is leading up to the big evening, the kick-off event for the GA, where Prime Minister Olmert is to speak.

Talk about security. The normal metal detector and X-ray machines, plus some other measures. It took quite a while to pass through which gave me time to run into my old boss, the former Consul General in Atlanta. Hilarious. B'ima sheli, who's NOT at this thing? I think I just saw Cain walk by. (And if you think I'm not excited about my #1 Google ranking for "b'ima sheli", then you don't know me as well as you thought you did.)

Once we get through, there are falafel-load of sponsored booths set up which leads to more good shmoozing and more ridiculous Jewish geography run-ins.

What's with all these Israeli food love stories? We've already talked about barbeque and grill.

Mmmm...Israeli wines. A big todah to my photographers Esther and Amy. I really need to fix my camera. A blogger without a camera is like a moil without a...whatever the hell they use to chop a baby's weewee.

The only down part of the day was dinner. There were two options: hot dogs with sauerkraut at one table, and chili, chickpeas, and chumus at the other. If you listened closely, you could almost hear someone saying: "Tomorrow, you will be the leaders of the Jewish people. But today? YOU'LL EAT LIKE DOGS, NEXT GEN!!! HA HA HA HA!!!!" That sucked. Let's move on.

And finally? The big event. A few photos.

Did anyone else notice a resemblance between the MC and Mariah Carey, circa 1991?
It's all about the hair.

We heard three national anthems and I'm telling you, after living in Israel for two years, it's a little weird to hear the upbeat "Star-Spangled Banner" after singing the emotional "Hatikva". Here is what everyone in the audience was silently thinking to themselves.

"I feel like we're supposed to play baseball."

"I feel like we're going to get attacked."

"I feel...who gives a crap." (Sorry, Canada, I just call it like I see it.)

Speaking about the Lion of Judah club, a group of women who give more than $5000 annually to UJC. (Is it just me, or is that lion doing the robot?) She mentions something about raising "sixteen MILLION dollars!" I put my pinky up to the corner of mouth. Friend laughs.

Through the wonders of technology, we watched a choir in New York sing together with this group of kids onstage. With special effects today, it's a little hard to know what's real these days. What's even impressive anymore? I would have enjoyed it much more if the American group broke out into "Living on a Prayer."

Ooh, picture in picture! How do we put on the Cowboys-Skins game?

Olmert speaks about Israel being the one home of the Jews (hear that, Upper West Side?) He mentions MASA to loud cheers, then Birthright, Otzma, and KolDor. Hey, what about NBN? That was the biggest snub since Hilary Swank forgot to thank her husband after winning an Oscar. His message was nothing earth-shattering but important nevertheless, that a strong Israel is important for the future of the Jewish people.

And what would a big gala event be without super-cute kids? We were treated to an adorable song and dance number by a group of young, Ethiopian girls, a violin performance by two young Russians, and these twin boys on clarinet, although that might just have been my vertigo kicking in.

Wonder Twin powers....ACTIVATE!
Form of...shnitzel!

And that pretty much drew us to a close. The day was an absolute blast for me, seeing a million and one people I knew from now and WAY back when. It really did feel like the best Matza Balls* I attended where there was an inverse relationship between the number of people you speak to and the number of seconds you're capable of paying attention to them before you're off to the next person you know. When I tried explaining it to my Israeli co-workers, I felt like they weren't really getting it. Perhaps part of it was going back to a past life as a member of the American Jewish community where being a community professional means being a member of a family where, while you may change jobs or cities, you can never get too far away. And it can be a really fun and amazing family to be a part of. Between growing up in Young Judaea, being active in Hillel in school, and working in the Jewish world in the States and in Israel (not to mention socializing in Jewish circles), I certainly have met a lot of people, and great ones at that who are equally passionate about Israel and being Jewish. And maybe I just missed shmoozing with others who are like me. Bottom line, I don't know how the rest of the week will turn out or what people will take from it, but for one day only, I had a great time reconnecting with people.

And what's a big Jew party without these important ladies? Here I am with "Charlie's Angels", otherwise known as Hadassah. "Good morning, Angels!" Can you say "protectsia", boys and girls? I knew you could.

Don't mess with these ladies. Even THINK about crossing them and they'll have a new hospital wing built in five years.

And with that, let's bring this GA wrap-up to a close. If you haven't given to your local Federation in the past, this might be a good year to start. As they say, "Live Generously." And UJC....if you're looking for some worthy places to allocate your money in Israel, I can offer a few suggestions. I know one blogger who could use a new camera.

Ready? SHMOOZE!!!!

*Matza Ball: the big Christmas Eve party in every American city where all the Jews meet and party due to the lack of anything else to do. Involves a cover charge and seeing everyone you ever knew from that city.

I'm Huge in the Galilee

Haveil Havalim, this week's wrap-up of the Jewish and Israeli blog world, went live yesterday and can be seen at West Bank Mama's site.

Courtesy of my anonymous friend at Stuff Jewish Young Adults Like.

Benji: Fashion in a Modest Line
That's actually what it means. Really. No, REALLY.

I have no idea why someone in Afula would want to name a clothing store after my name. I just wonder if they know how to say it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on leg warmers and a kittel. (I love a good kittel reference.)

Osem, Bissli, and Bamba: Time to Fire Your Marketing Staff

So last week, I brought up kugels and bagels and how maybe we Israelis should call our snotty people bissli and bamba. That led me to do a little online research about everybody's favorite Israeli snack food. Talk about learning something. Seriously, Osem marketers? You're expecting your target audience to believe this stuff???

Here's what Osem's site has to say about Bissli.

· A multi-sensory experience–Bissli stimulates your taste buds in every way with its crunchy texture and dominant flavor.
· Compelling–once you start eating Bissli, you can’t stop.
· Israeli–Bissli is as Israeli as it can be. It’s popular with everyone, straightforward and unpretentious.

Wait, we're talking about food, right?

Nothing says "unpretentious" like a salty snack.
Good lesson for all you high school kids reading at home.

Here's more...

· The Grill and Barbeque characters are closely identified with the brand. Grill has Bissli Grill-shaped hair, is laid-back, witty and sharp-tongued. · Barbeque who has curly, Bissli Barbeque-shaped hair is depressive and apprehensive. Barbeque is always anxious and Grill is cool and easygoing. Barbeque is always worried that he’ll run out of Bissli and Grill calms him down.

Could we get a snack food therapist in the room please??? WHAT IN THE *$%@ IS OSEM TALKING ABOUT??? Is anyone in the country even aware of these characters and their salty neuroses? I sense a little sexual tension here. I want their website to add this:

Grill feels spurned by Barbeque's past relationship with Crembo and lingering feelings. Barbeque wishes Grill would give him some space so he can figure out what he's looking for and if his one-time crush for Grill was that or perhaps something more.

And then there's Bamba. It reaches a new level of ridiculousness.

The cartoon image looks like a baby but talks in a manner that appeals to all ages. It represents the brand identity which is aimed at children but is also cute and eye-catching for adults. The Bamba Baby was warmly received and is much loved by young and old alike. According to Osem surveys, the Bamba Baby enjoys a level of popularity similar to that of Disney cartoon characters.

In a follow-up survey with Wayne and Garth, Osem also discovered that monkeys might fly out of my butt. When little kids in Tel Aviv start demanding that their parents take them to ride roller coasters at BambaWorld, I guess I might be willing to believe that last part.

I have no idea who this is.
BUT I JUST LOVE THAT DIAPER-WEARING, BABY!!!

Proof that the Jewish People are Doomed

Last reminder to come to the Off the Wall Comedy Basement tonight or Saturday. Info here...

Now for a short post before I start working...

A couple of nights ago, my co-workers and I are hanging out in a kibbutz guest house after a long day of staff enrichment and meetings. With one of them about to embark on a trip to New York for vacation, the conversation turns to Rockefeller Center.

Co-worker: "Oooh, eet eez so beau-tee-fool!"
Me: "Yeah, you've been there?"
Co-worker: "No, but I hev seen eet on TV! Ani met al Crees-mahs tree! (I die for/I love a Christmas tree)"

That's just great. Glad to see we're instilling Jewish pride over here.

"Oh, the weather outside is.......ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh........."

Coming soon: Yossi and Ruti visit Mea Shearim to hunt for Easter eggs.

BREAKING NEWS: Tragedy Strikes at Rabin Square

It pains me to talk about what happened at Rabin Square but it's too important to ignore. In the center of Tel Aviv at the iriya (municipality building), a major Israeli figure who so many cared about was taken from us before his time.

People...what happened to the duck?

Just a few weeks ago....


And now?


Let's take a closer look.


It appears to be lying down hurt. I managed to snap a few pictures before he was taken away by who-knows-who. For some reason, most Tel Avivim are acting as if nothing happened but I smell a conspiracy. These pictures are our Zapruder film! Are we going to sit by and do nothing?

NOT ON MY WATCH!

(If I suddenly stop posting on this blog, please contact the police immediately. It means I knew too much.)

More from Kikar Rabin:
Earth Hour at the iriya
Losing my mind at the iriya (personal fave)
Israel turns 60 at the iriya

Kibbutz Galuyot (More Than Just a Street in Tel Aviv)

Before we get started....a word from our sponsors.

This Thursday and Saturday night, come check me out at Jerusalem's Comedy Basement located where else??? TIBERIAS!!!

When: November 13, 8:30 PM; November 15, 9:00 PM
Location: Off The Wall Comedy Basement- 34 Ben Yehuda (corner of King George- down the stairs, near the Mashbir)
Entrance: 35nis (30nis students, soldiers, seniors) + 18nis drink minimum purchase
Reservations: 02-624-3218

If you don't come, you're basically telling the world that you support Hamas. Basically. And even if you can't make it, feel free to tell anywhere between 1 and 57 bajillion people to come. Especially if they're important people coming for the GA. I like those people.

See these guys? They're not coming either.
(What's with the white gloves by the way?
These guys are just a few sequins short of "Billie Jean." HEE-hee!)

Moving on...

Anybody heard of Kibbutz Galuyot? It means "ingathering of the exiles", or another word for the return of Jews to Israel from all countries around the world. It also explains why Israelis are hot (ech omrim "self-promotion"?)

Anyone who's talked to me knows that one of my favorite things about this place is that you meet Jews from all over the world here, and it seems that everyone has at least one parent who wasn't born here. You can go your entire life in America never meeting anyone from Hungary for example but somehow, my company's programs department has not one...not two...but THREE Hungarian women! I know I just ate breakfast but I'm getting Hungary just thinking about it. (If anyone laughed at that, I don't even know what to say.) Australia, France, Sweden, the Ukraine....you need Jews? We got 'em and all the cultural differences that come with them.

So the other night, I'm chilling in my living room watching American football with one of my new roommates who comes from South Africa. I already wrote about how Israelis don't know the rules of this sport, nor should they ("Mah zeh 'first and ten'? " is without a doubt one of the funniest things ever said in the history of the world.) But when something is so ingrained in you (like a silly sport which causes you to scream and throw things), you can be temporarily surprised that any living thing could not know how it works.

After I tell her about downs, ten yards, and whatnot, the play ends and everybody mills around, walking back to the huddles in what looks like a mess to a casual observer. What does my roommate ask? "So during this little hafsaka (break), they just do whatever they want?" Without a doubt, the word hafsaka made that question 100 times funnier.

Hafsaka....it's not just for movies anymore!

In other developments from that evening, I learned that South Africa has their own words for a spoiled, rich Jewish person. Whereas in America we call them....you know....in South Africa, women are called kugels and men, bagels. I thought that was pretty funny. I propose that in Israel, we start using the words bissli and bamba. But which should be which? More on this topic coming soon...

That's Funny, I Could Have Sworn Our Version of "American Idol" Was Called "Kochevet Nolad"

Last week, our company headed down to Arad for a two-day summer sikkum (wrap-up). With each department responsible for presenting themselves, guess which member of the North American desk got to make a fool of himself in front of everyone on video? Yeaaaaaah. I don't know how I let my co-workers talk me into doing a monkey impression. (Trust me, it was in the context of a skit. And no, you won't be seeing it ever.)

Anyway, we were all sitting around the lunch table a few days later and I was trying to convince my camera-shy co-worker Shira that she didn't embarrass herself (not nearly as much as me anyway.) How did I do this? By saying with feeling, "Shira! Hayeet kocha-VEET! (You were a star!)"

Well, I thought that's what I was saying. Instead of calling her ko-CHEV-vet however, I told her she was the little star on a phone (you know, the one just under the "7"). Laughter ensued.

The moral of the story as always?

Nope, still not Israeli.

Who wouldn't want to be a kochevet?
Almost as flattering as being the sulameet (#).

And to answer last week's burning question, my friend made it out in just about an hour. Mazal tov to WWZ reader and friend of mine Lymore, Israeli's newest citizen!

Remember this face, men...she'll be breaking your heart soon.

Watching FOX News, Turning on the Dood, and Other Things I Do at 6 AM

Anybody else awake out there? I went to bed around 1:30 AM after the PresenTense election-watching party and set my clock for 6 AM. Dudes, the dood in my new apartment takes a while to heat up so I'll be watching FOX until it warms up (since we don't have CNN). So while I'm sitting on my couch, thankful that we don't have to wait another day (or two weeks) to declare a winner, I ask you this, my loyal readers:

Can we Americans in Israel rally around our new President to turn the country around and return it to her glorious past?

"YES, WE....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH........"
It's 6:37 AM. I got nothin'.

Dude. DUDE. Dood!

Calling All Olim Vatikim!

Post 2 of 2 today...

Since I haven't brought myself to start Twittering yet, I'm going to summon the power of the War Zone:

I have a friend making aliyah today, arriving tomorrow. She is not arriving on a Nefesh b'Nefesh flight. Any ideas as to how long it could take for her to walk through the arrival doors after her flight lands? Apparently she has to go to the Misrad Klitah office at the airport to do whatever it is that she needs to do. I've heard 2-3 hours, depending on the number of others who could be standing in line in front of her. I'd rather not wait for hours if I don't have to, especially since I'm still scarred from a recent trip when a group of Beitar Yerushalayim animal soccer fans were POUNDING on drums in the arrival area, awaiting the team to arrive as the cops just stood there, as if this was the most normal thing in the world.

I know there are many of us (you) who made aliyah pre-NBN. SPEAK NOW, YOU BRAVE PIONEERS!!!

On that note, here is my tip for future olim: drop the middle name when you get your teudat zehut (identity card). It just causes confusion. Like when I'm at the doctor and someone comes out to call my name:

"BINYAMIN NATAN!"

Yeah, that's me. Better than Ben-Gay, I guess.

Great Moments in Fashion!

And now! Great moments in fashion! (As always, this is going somewhere, people.)

1) KISS-Bursting onto the music scene in 1972, American rock band KISS becomes well-known for their wild make-up and attire. While many are aware that lead singer Gene Simmons was born as Chaim Witz in Israel, few are privy to the Jewish identity of co-bandleader Paul Stanley, born Idan Bamba on Kibbutz Ketura.

"Ahhh...wanna rock and roll aaaaall niiiiiight!
And eat in the chadar ochel every day!"

2) Björk-In 2001, Icelandic singer Bjork Guðmundsdóttir turns heads and feathers by showing up to the Oscars in a swan dress. One week later, the singer's album sales plummet among birds age 18-49.

I just spent 5 minutes searching for a PhotoShopped picture of a swan wearing a Bjork dress.

I can't believe nobody ever did this.
(Can I have the last 5 minutes of my life back?)

3) Ehud Olmert-With his unexpected rise to power in 2006, Ehud Olmert becomes the highest ranking world leader to sport the combover, forever to be known as the Colm-over.

Why the long face, Hootie?
YOU'RE A FASHION ICON!

4) Some woman in Tel Aviv-This woman almost made me spill my cafe hafuch in my lap when I saw this. I have nothing more to say.

Superman, your services are not needed.
Who needs X-ray vision?

Ahhhh....Tel Aviv. How I miss you so.

Words That Look Like Hebrew But Aren't

Check out the new version of Haveil Havalim, the weekly Jewish blog wrap-up, here.

Guess where I live now? Yup, as of yesterday morning. Crazy. Anyway...

A few days ago, I get an email with some Hebrew that I can't seem to figure out. Come on, Benji, sound it out...don't give up.....what in the world is that???

(PAUSE)

OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!

Ha-KU-nah ma-TA-ta!

Dammit, that was way too confusing. There must be a ton of those. I once came across the word "charities" in some weird context and tried pronouncing it with a chet. That's just ridiculous.

And for those of you who are wondering, this phrase is Disney for "yiyeh b'seder."

"Your sequel went straight to video with an idiotic name?
Yiyeh b'se-...I mean 'hakuna matataaaaaaaaaaaaaa!' "