Is Comedy for Koby Getting You Hungry?

If it's December, Avi Liberman is back in Israel, here to make us laugh for a good cause. He's bringing three more friends, with proceeds from ticket sales supporting the Koby Mandell Foundation and families of victims of terror.

The lineup:

• Mark Schiff: HBO, Showtime, Letterman, Leno, and frequent opener for some guy whose name rhymes with Feinfeld
• Steve White: "Coming to America", the Oprah Winfrey Show, Comedy Central, Def Comedy Jam, and more
• Butch Bradley: Craig Ferguson Show, Comedy Central, USO tour for the troops overseas, and more

And of course Avi, seen on Craig Ferguson, Comedy Central, and much more.

-Wed, Dec 2: Modiin
-Thurs, Dec 3: Beit Shemesh
-Sat, Dec 5: Tel Aviv
-Sun, Dec 6: Jerusalem
-Tues, Dec 8: Raanana
-Wed, Dec 9: Haifa
-Dec 10-15, SIX SOLD OUT SHOWS IN YERUCHAM! Just kidding. Although I think the Jonas Brothers are in town on the 14th.

If these guys ever come to Israel, guess whose blog will appear on the front page of Google for "Jonas Brothers Israel"? How jealous are you right now?

Order tickets here, email tickets@djwconsult.com, or call 052-798-5200.

And if all that laughing works you up an appetite, never fear. Israel has an endless number of delicious culinary options available, especially for delivery. Anyone who's worked in an office has received faxed lunch menus before. Well, maybe not like this one.

Who needs Subway when you're a Golden Track Customer at Abouelafia!
Move over, Jared, there's a new sheikh in town.

Thanks Lila!

Do the Gilad Shalit Protests Help or Harm?

Two days ago, I wrote about my experiences in the Gilad Shalit tent. After I volunteered the first time, I found myself in a conversation with a friend who felt that these types of big, visible protests were harmful to the cause because it shows the enemy dissent on our side and only drives up the price (and that our government is doing absolutely everything it can so why criticize it?) I maintained that while this could be the case, I have a hard time blaming ourselves, that this is a sign of a democracy which so strongly values life. The same issue came up with Goldwasser and Regev last year....even if we made a mistake by releasing that sleazeball Samir Kuntar, it's a bit unfair to be too hard on ourselves for being such a feeling, emotional nation.

His position is below....I don't think there are rights and wrongs. There are no good options but at least we live in a country with many of them. Thoughts?

So many people have the most intense opinions about the Gilad Shalit issue. I call it that because I think that for some it is more of an issue than a person. I've been exposed to a point of view which most of the general public has not from my experiences and I think it's worth sharing.

I'm a Zionist but I see people protesting the Israeli government to "release Gilad Shalit" and it bothers me to a certain extent... because WE are not holding him! I think that people are frustrated, as I am, that he has not been released, but I can assure you that it is not for lack of will or desire on the part of the government. Please allow me to explain.

Whomever is Prime Minister (or anyone who takes part in the deal) when Gilad Shalit is freed will be getting political capital of a tremendous power. It is political gold. And any politician would be willing to sell his own mother to get him back. These past 3 sentences are practically exact quotes from a former member of Parliament! He explained that it is not a matter of Israel not willing to do enough...it is that Hamas simply does not want to release him! He is worth so much more to them in captivity. And I hope that no intelligent person actually believes that they care about the Hamas people in Israeli prisons. Seriously! They send these guys on SUICIDE missions, does anyone think their lives are valued more than the huge political and psychological victory which holding an Israeli soldier represents?

I know that it is hard to do this but I'm going to say it anyway.... Trust that the Israeli government (under ANY Prime Minister) is doing all in its power to effect Gilad's release. That he has not been released yet is because Hamas does not want to release him.

Anyone can find a million things wrong with any government. Protest these things. Budget. Corruption. Policy. The peace-process. Whatever. But believe that the IDF wants Gilad back, and there are people working day and night for this purpose... and it's not for show. It's not as if the government needs to be convinced of something.

I'm against these 'protests'... I am NOT against keeping Gilad's name in the public consciousness. It is important. But it should be as positive and supportive as possible. The government is in an impossibly difficult position and these protests DO NOT ADVANCE ANY CAUSE. They will not bring Gilad back sooner, and they may in fact hurt this goal.

Imagine that you were going to buy a home, and went to negotiate with the seller... and outside the room where you were negotiating, your entire family, spouse, in-laws, etc. were holding up signs saying "PAY WHATEVER IT TAKES! YOU MUST HAVE THIS HOUSE!!!".... What incentive would the seller have to not constantly raise the price. And in this case, Gilad is the only 'house' on the market. It's not like we can go to someone else and bargain for his release on better terms. Hamas thinks that our democracy is a weakness, and they mock it with their 'negotiations' and 'counter-offers'. We need to turn the tables on them and behave a bit more modestly and quietly. We need to take this PR weapon AWAY from them, instead of strengthening their apparent position.

A parallel example. Israel has for YEARS tried to get Eli Cohen's bones back from Syria. We've offered LIVE terrorists, money, food, and all kinds of incentives... but they refuse. Think about it! Syria would rather keep the 40 year-old remains of an Israeli spy than get back LIVE spies of their own, plus tons of other goodies. It's a matter of pride, and it is a set of values which is in absolute contradiction to our own. This is why the protests which people think are helpful, can actually be hurtful.

None of us are privy to the secret intelligence information which the Prime Minister, IDF Chief of Staff, and intelligence agencies have... and we need to trust their professional judgment as to what is in the best interest of the country as a whole. Tomorrow these same people could decide that Israel will be involved in a war which will result in the death and injury of thousands of people... certainly we should therefore allow them to do their job with regards to this one brave individual named Gilad.

This is a special country. And though you may agree or disagree with any number of things that a person might do (like the PM, or any other person)... remember that the system is bigger than any one person. They are very much limited by circumstances. They don't have the power we sometimes envision. No one person can just snap his (or her) fingers and make the stars align in such a manner that Gilad will be freed. Believe me... they have tried. :-)

I will go to reserve duty proud to be a soldier in the IDF... the most moral, ethical, professional, and fantastic Army in existence.

I will have my doubts about the government, or some individual commanders...

But I will go with trust in my country and my people....

I will go with faith in our mission, which ultimately is the defense of the State of Israel and the Jewish people. The path to that mission is strewn with distractions and other smaller 'missions'.

I will not lose sight of the real mission. The long-term mission.

And if something should happen to me... please don't blame anyone. Just wait, and trust in the same thing that I trusted in when I put on this uniform.

Jewish Geography 2.0: Wasn't I in Bnai Akiva with Your Goldfish?

Which of these two situations is less plausible?

1) You're walking through the shuk and come across an American girl looking confused. One of the shop owners asks her to leave her cart outside and she doesn't understand the Hebrew. Five minutes later, you see her again in a different part of the shuk. Fifteen minutes later, again. You decide to see if she needs help and say, "Hey, I've run into you three times. Do you need any help?" Then she says, "Are you Benji Lovitt? I'm Dan's cousin, we emailed a few months ago...I just moved here for the year."

OR

2) You're standing in line at the post office, talking on the phone with international celebrity and social media wizard Leah Jones when you tell her, "Gotta run, I'm next in line." The American guy standing nearby overhears you and says, "Hey, would you mind mailing this letter for me?", handing you an envelope and 10 shekels. You look at the envelope and realize you know the people in America he's mailing the letter to.

And to top it off, Dan's wife USED TO DATE THE GUY WHOSE NAME IS WRITTEN ON THE ENVELOPE.

The moral of the story? There are no more than 7.5 Jews on the planet and we're slowly approaching the point where they all know each other. Some call it Jewmageddon and some just call it crazy. But no kidding, this happens to me all the time in this tiny country.

Jewish geography for me used to running into someone I knew on the street or meeting someone and realizing we knew someone in common. Now? After living in Texas, Atlanta, NY, Israel, and working in the Jewish community, it's accidentally falling into a vat of falafel grease and finding out the EMT who saves my life not only is dating my ex-roommate, but found about out my blog from his nephew (who, by the way, has a twin sister that I met at a Tweetup in the Old City).

It happens about once a month and never ceases to make my jaw drop. Mmm, I just looooove me some falafel grease.

What Really Goes on at the Gilad Shalit Tent

As you may have seen from my Facebook status, I volunteered at the Gilad Shalit tent yesterday for the second time. If you haven't seen it, the protest/awareness tent has been set up outside the Prime Minister's office for....how long? At least a year, yes? There are volunteers there from morning till night, seven days a week, manning a table while collecting signatures on a petition with the number of days Gilad has been in captivity displayed above.

The tent is located at the beginning of Aza Street which leads from King George St to the heart of Rechavia. If you live in the neighborhood or if you've walked to Rechavia from downtown 47,000 times like I have, you've passed it. And if you're like most people, you probably signed your name once and then proceeded to walk right by every successive time. Which I guess is ok because what else can you do?

Well, a couple of months ago, when walking by, I was compelled to grab a piece of paper with an email address to contact to sign up for a shift. I've never been someone who particularly enjoyed volunteering but I have the time and flexibility and it felt like a meaningful and pretty easy way to take part in an important cause.

So yesterday I show up again after somebody brings to my attention that, in light of recent news, this might be my last time there. Wow. So much for weekly volunteering.

Photo credit: NRG, or whatever Maariv calls their online version. Dumbest name ever. If anyone steals my pictures, you are to credit me as PYT.

• I arrive at the table and meet Nilly, the same woman I sat with a month ago. What are the odds? As profiled in this Jpost article (along with some dumb oleh), she's 70 and has been coming all the way from the Tel Aviv area for over two years. I say "Tel Aviv area" because I have no idea what her region is called. The Sharon? Gush Dan? Jimmy Crackcorn and I don't care?
  
  This woman cracks me up. She is vigilant about getting signatures, harassing people Middle East-style to sign their name even if they've done so before.
  
  "I signed."
  "It doesn't matter! As many names as possible!"
  
  Are we sure this woman wasn't working in Palm Beach County during Election 2000? Ech omrim "hanging chad"?
  
  
• The best part about volunteering is that I get to practice speaking Hebrew. With not a whole lot to do at the table, we chit-chat. (That's not a "chet".) Hey, guys! Didja know that being a foreigner is funny? She shares her memories of trips to America with stories about communication that sound oh-so familiar...
  
  Like the time in 1974 when she tried to buy a Muppets lunchbox for thirty minutes. Why thirty minutes? Because the guy didn't understand her accent.
  
  Minute 1: "Lahnch bohx."
  Minute 5: "Lahnch bohx."
  Minute 10: "Lahnch bohx."
  Minute 15: "Lahnch bohx."
  Minute 20: "Lahnch bohx."
  Minute 25: "Lahnch bohx."
  Minute 30? "Luuuuuunch baaaaaaaaaahx."
  
  Ohhhhhhhhhh, lunch box!
  
  
• What about this one? After learning that "cheder" means room, she gets on a shuttle only to find that the driver has shut the doors behind her, leaving her husband on the street. She tells the guy to open the door at which point he tells her there is no room. "Room? I don't need room, I hev hotel!" Nilly, if you had come thirty years later, you'd have a blog selling hilarious Israel t-shirts, some of which are expensively priced beyond your control (I told you, dammit, I'll take care of it...some of them are just fine....possible Chanukah present, Americans?)
  
  
  In all seriousness, I am the Shwarma Eating Champion.
  
  
  
• As a huge group of kids wait for their after-school bus, several of them walk up and try to take bumper stickers and yellow ribbons. Nilly stops them-not only are these kids barely housebroken but as she tells them, if one kid takes, they'll aallllll want. I leave the hard Middle Eastern negotiating to her. Later on, a kid walks up and tries the stunt with me. I give him the line in Hebrew: "If I give you, I'll have to give them all away." His response? "Az maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" (So what?) Boy, they train them early here, don't they? Nilly tells me, "You know waht eez schnorer? In Eezrael, every-bahdy schnorer!" I smell a new national slogan. Get the Foreign Ministry on the phone.
• Aleph, she offers me some of her vegetables, and bet, she gets off the phone to help tie a little boy's shoe. Only in Israel.
  
• Out of nowhere...
  
  Nilly: "Hachatichot lo ovrot" (The babes aren't walking by.)
  Me: (laughing) "Ah whatever, all the girls in Israel are beautiful."
  Nilly: "They are more beautiful in Brazil."
  Me: "Yeah but they're not Jewish!"
  Nilly: "So what?"
  (pause)
  Benji: "Wait, what do you care? For me?"
  Nilly: "Why not? You know waht eez metch-may-kehr?"
  
  No clue. Can anyone tell me? (10 minutes later) Ahhhhhhh, MATCH-maker!

A few passersby, a lot of media, and just being present, keeping him in the collective awareness. That's pretty much how it went down. Two hours later, I was home feeling good about my experience. While I hope to sit there for another shift, I also hope I don't. You know what I mean. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

If They Don't Know an Anat, We Have Our Answer

One more day in the USA and it's back to Israel. While it's been a good trip, it will be good to settle down again and start working on my next projects. Which may or may not include some graphic design work. Looks like this Dizengoff store could use it.

What exactly are these people selling? See it? Methinks they shouldn't have jumped at the first logo that came across their desk. Or behind their desk. I think I'm going to end this post right now.

Thanks, Dov!

It's Benji Lovitt's Funny Israeli T-Shirts! Take That, Dorky Ben-Yehuda Stores!

Big announcement below....let's get thru the GA wrap-up first....

Holy cow, I just left the GA. Can't describe it any better than I did last year. If you're a professional Jew, the power shmoozing doesn't get any better in the world. If I were an Israeli and walked into this big American party, I'd be looking around, rubbing my eyes, and saying, "Whaaaaat....the.....heeeeeeeeeeell......IS....this????" Only in Hebrew and with an "ehh" or two thrown in.

If you followed the #ga09 hashtag on Twitter, you may have kept up with some of the fun. I only regret not starting an #onlyatthega hashtag a few days ago. You know, for things like:

Where men stare at womens' nametags: Only at the GA
Where 5 Israeli men in suits walk into McDonalds: Only at the GA
Where a 10 minute conversation is quality time: Only at the GA
Where ALF, Dora the Explorer, and Alan Dershowitz grind on the dance floor: Only at the GA

Ok, I made the last one up.

It's the GA, people.
Even aliens wear jackets.

You get the picture. Aside from all the fun, I made a ton of great contacts and am excited to get home and start emailing. You know, after I drink cafe hafuch and put on some new clothes. I got to do 10 minutes or so of stand-up before the aliyah panel, sponsored by the Jewish Agency, which was fun. Too bad Natan Sharansky walked in only after I finished. He must have been at the bar working on his two-drink minimum.

Before everyone puts their nametags into storage for the next 12 months, I better get my most recent big announcement online. For 2+ years, I have walked past t-shirt shop after kiosk in Jerusalem and marveled at the completely lame, unoriginal, pathetic, low-brow, and stupid tourist t-shirts. You know the ones....the shirts which haven't changed in twenty years and probably longer than that.

Hilarious! And after these messages, Milton Berle!

"IDF: My Job is So Secret, I Don't Even Know What I'm Doing!"
"Don't Worry, America, Israel is Behind You"
"Super-Jew"
And of course, rock bands which reached their peak twenty years ago.

Enough already. People are ready for a new line of t-shirts. Can you see where this is going?

Welcome to the brand-new What War Zone??? Israeli t-shirt gallery! With t-shirts appropriate for 2009 and beyond. So far, we have around 10 different options, highlighted by the....here it comes, I'm so excited....."Yiyeh B'seder" theme!

Seriously guys, yiyeh b'seder.

Right now, they're being manufactured on demand only on the Printfection online store as I didn't have thousands of dollars and hours sitting around to get a t-shirt business up and running. When I get home, I'll be getting them up on an Israeli-hosted site as well for local pricing and shipping, and would like nothing more than to start printing them myself at some point. Lower prices for my loyal readers, bigger markups for me, more laughs for the general public. It's a win-win-WIN!

Aww yeah....you know you did.

So head on over to www.benjilovitt.com/shirts or shirts.whatwarzone.com to browse around and smile. Be sure of course to read the descriptions. Your feedback is absolutely wanted and welcomed. Like everything in Israel, it will take some time to work out the kinks but, remember...we're only 61. We're getting there, baby!

Huge thanks to my friend and designer, Hillary Menkowitz, who drew these up faster than you can say "flying falafel balls." Another thanks to WWZ reader Jason Leibowitz of Bikkurim who helped me set up the URLs. And to anyone who gave me great feedback.

And before 800 people chastise me for not sticking to my guns by spelling it "chumus" on this shirt, I know, I know....it was a battle of ideology vs. marketing. The dollar won the battle...we will win the war. It's chumus, dammit!

You're the hummus-wrestling champion.
SHOUT IT OUT!

So buy a shirt, spread the word, Tweet, reTweet, Facebook, blog, Jdate, Friendster, Saw You at Sinai, two-cans-and-string telephone, and definitely Google Wave it.

Oh, and one more thing...it's not too early to pre-order your tickets to the biggest Jew party this side of Kiryat Gat.

GA2010: See You in Beersheva!

Signed up on FB for updates yet? Everybody's doing it. Ok, some people. Who I paid.

This Makes the Inane Security Checkpoints Much More Tolerable

Greetings from the free wifi of the Indianapolis airport! Holy crap, I don't believe it either. On the heels of the free wifi in the Charlotte airport yesterday, big things are happening in the United States of America. BIG THINGS! Looks like it's not just Ben-Gurion anymore....

Unfortunately my USB cable is packed so no picture of me in Purdue Hillel but my first student show was a blast. College kids are funny. Nothing better than filling up the Hillel sign-in list with names like "David loves (word for male genital)", "Jason loves (word for male genital)", "Rob loves (I think you get the picture.)" Either Jewish boys in West Lafayette love male genitals or they were in the mood to laugh last night.

You either get it or you don't....

My friend Phil, director of the Hillel, made an Israel-themed dinner for the students. Out of curiosity, I made sure to taste one falafel ball. I have to say, when I imagine living in the States, someday, I have horrible visions of showing up to some small-town (or even big-city) JCC, eating a disgusting falafel/hummus (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose, what they serve isn't chumus), and witnessing Israeli dancing to "Hava Nagila". You know, because that's what we shake our rumpuses to in Tel Aviv. (Is that the correct plural of "rumpus"? Is it "rumpi"?)

Of course, the falalel ball wasn't so good with no connection to Phil's culinary abilities. Good thing I had a 12 inch tuna sub from Subway. Ahhhh, heaven.

Ok, off to DC. Will I see any of you tomorrow night?

Updated Tour Schedule (Subtitle: Insomnia and Other Things That Suck)

Phone woke me up at 4:30 AM, thanks to US Airways sending me a flight update. Can't sleep. This might be a good time to post the updated schedule to my little tour. NOTE: the Maryland show has been moved from the 11th to the 8th.

November 2, Memphis
November 3, Purdue Hillel
November 5, DC, Midtown in Dupont (Birthright Next)
November 6, Rutgers Hillel
November 7, Congregation Beth El in Bethesda
November 8, Maryland Hillel
November 9, GA (that's not Georgia)
November 10, Boston, Northeastern University
November 11, Penn Hillel
November 12, University of Florida Hillel
November 15th, Dallas, Israel Bonds

For more information, contact....well, them. If you're reading this blog, you probably know what to do.

We now return to lying in bed being awake. Since this has happened 3 straight nights, maybe this is my body's way of telling me that I need chumus.

Heartbreak Kotel, Dome of the Jailhouse Rock, and Other Failed Israeli Elvis Songs

Greetings from Memphis, Tennessee. Or as they might say here, "Shalom ya'll." (misspelling intended...drives me crazy).

Been here about 30 hours and leaving in 9. I didn't get to go to Beale Street but I did eat some BBQ and go to Graceland this morning. Hey, have you heard about this Elvis Presley fella? Apparently he was quite popular. Before I get a few hours of sleep, here are a few quick pics....

Here's a picture from Corky's BBQ which cannot be described without someone telling you that the owner is Jewish. I assume that his name isn't Corky nor is he a pig. I love how there's no business venture that a Jew isn't involved in somewhere, regardless of whether it's a Jewish project or not. Doesn't work the other way. Nobody gets involved in our stuff. You'd never overhear this in Katz's Deli:

"Mmm, this whitefish is fanTAStic! Is the manager here?"
"One second....MOHAMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!!!!"



The onion loaf, awesome blossom, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I call it "cardiac arrest on a plate." While I didn't see Elvis's face in my plate, I did see a metric ton of grease.



My Israeli friends tell me Americans apologize too much. "Sorry....excuse me....sorry...." After seeing this message on the door at Graceland, they may be right. They're apologizing for our pictures not coming out nicely??? Oh, come ON...


Show #1 went fine...I expect them only to improve. Another update later with more shows and one date change.