Omig-d, 50% of My Body is Now Hamburger

It's Yom Ha'atzmaut, which is Hebrew for "go to the park and eat a cow". It's all about the mangal (barbeque grill). Much to say about this incredible day...but no energy to put the proverbial pen to paper right now. (Ech omrim "proverbial pen"?)

In the meantime, here's a recent article I wrote for PresenTense Magazine, a relatively new Jewish monthly mag. The theme of the issue is, what else? Israel's 60th and the topic of the article is Facebook in Israel. Enjoy...and chag ha'atzmaut sameach!

Future advertisement for Goldstar? I'm waiting by the phone...

Even the Animals Speak Hebrew

This past weekend, I went up north to visit my friend Michael. That's Mi-kha-el (as in "who is like G-d", Hebrew), not Michael (as in Jackson, freak of nature.) Saturday morning, while I'm sitting at the table with his two kids, he starts to give me a tour of the breakfast cereals: there's Cheerios, some whole-wheat concoction, and Shalva, which apparently is a classic, old-school cereal which is cheap and has been around since the days of King David.


When looking at the Shalva bag, I see that it has "peh gadol" written on it. Michael explains that while, yes, it does mean "big mouth", it's also what parents say to little kids before they shove food down their throats. What's the English equivalent? "Open wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...."?


So I start playing with the 1.5 year old, saying "peeeeeeeeeeeeh gadooooooooool!" before feeding myself. He repeats. Then I say "peh gadol v'ozen gadol!" (big mouth and big ear), as I hold my left ear out with one hand and shovel the cereal into my mouth with the other. He repeats. Ahhh....seems that we have a game of follow the leader!


"Peh gadol v'einayim g'doloooot! (big mouth and big eyes)
"Peh gadol v'oseh kmo chatuuuuuuul!" (....and does like a cat: "meow meow!")
"Pet gadol v'oseh kmo keleeeeeeeeeeev!" (....and does like a dog: "ruff ruff!")


(pause)


1.5 Year Kid: "Mah zeh 'ruff ruff' ?"

Who the hell ever heard a sheep say "meh meh?"

CLEARLY they're saying "bah". When they talk. To me. Often.

Mah zeh "ruff ruff"....THAT was funny.

Anybody want to explain the Hebrew animal language? Ayn li koach.

The bird says "tseef tseef!"

The rooster says "kookooreekoo!"

The ars says "AHLO AHLO!"

And, yes, this means that the 1.5 year old speaks better than I do.

Eat Your Heart Out, Johnny Carson

Three posts in one day??? What in the name of Dizengoff Center is going on here? I’ll tell you what’s going on.

For those of you who are new to the War Zone, last year, my main man David Brinn formerly of Israel21c was gracious enough to invite me to the Maxim magazine photo shoot here in Tel Aviv. It was then that I met Israeli model Nivit Bash, causing the Israeli Department of Transportation to dispatch three city workers to clean up the puddle of drool outside the Hashalom train station. I wrote a piece for this here blog, an article for 21c, and another update here and there.

Just because…

So guess whose stuff comes up first, second, third, fifth, and sixth in a Google search? Every month, I get a good number of Google searchers who type in “Nivit Bash” and find their way to my blog. This may have something to do with the first post being my most read, at least since I installed Google Analytics in December.

Since plenty of people seem to be interested in Nivit (it must be for her political views), I thought it might be worthwhile to interview her. People get to learn more about her, she gets publicity, and I get more page views (especially if she becomes the next Talentless Biotch Formerly Known as Bar.) Nu, zeh ween-ween! The model currently entered in my phone as “Nivit the Jewish Goddess” has agreed to meet with me Friday at noon for coffee (entered as such in order to distinguish her from Nivit the Supreme Court Justice and Nivit the Backup Point Guard.)

As far as I can recall, this will be my first real one-on-one personal interview, Larry King-style. What in the world should I ask this woman? Anything you guys are curious to know about? Clearly I have to broach the topics of arsim, line-cutting, and chumus, right? Who has ideas for questions, topics, and general interview decorum? If this goes well, hopefully it will lead to more interviews with other interesting Israelis. (And just to pre-empt the question, yes, she has a boyfriend. She made sure to mention it approximately 1.28 seconds after our conversation began.)

“Dudu from Kfar Pines, you’re on with Nivit Bash.”
(Think that’s pronounced “pines”? Welcome to Israel.)

New Column Out

My monthly column in the Atlanta Jewish Times's monthly supplement is out. Although I only put pen to paper a few weeks ago, it's safe to say this column has been running around my head for the better part of 15 years.

This month's theme is "Fashion and Beauty". It's a good one...

For hilarious email or RSS updates, take care of business over to the right. (Yes, that's a technical term. And what's not hilarious about RSS? I don't even know what I'm talking about...)

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Beth Israel

So everybody knows that American movies are translated into funny or just weird names in Hebrew (and to be fair, other languages as well, although I’ll leave it up to Chien-Ming to make fun of his people on his Chinese immigration blog.) I referenced this phenomenon in this recent post and nowhere is it explained better than in this article which gives tons of examples.

“The Naked Gun” becomes “The Gun Died Laughing”
“George of the Jungle”… “The Jungle Died Laughing”
“BASEketball”…any guesses? You guessed it…“Falafel Man, Put Away Your Chest Hair”

Just making sure you're paying attention. But who is doing all this laughing?

"Hey, Dudu, this is lost in translation.
NO, I MEAN YOUR TRANSLATION IS LOST IN TRANSLATION!"

Look, how are you supposed to translate slang like “Knocked Up” into another language? Translators don’t have it easy and that’s where I come along. Starting now, I will be translating movie titles on this blog on a volunteer basis so they can be more easily understood by an Israeli audience. If you have any of your own, email them to me and I’ll post my favorites under the new category “Israeli Movie Titles”. Here are a few to get the party started, including the one from the aforementioned post.

• A lawyer is unable to tell a lie, causing him to be brutally honest with everyone around him. In America, this movie is called “Liar Liar”. In Israel, “Tuesday”.
  
• A look into racism, car accidents, and anger on the roads. In America, “Crash”. In Israel, “The Ayalon Freeway”.
  
• Chaos reigns supreme as beachgoers are terrorized and fear for their safety. In America, “Jaws.” In Israel, “Arsim.”
  
• A middle-aged man tries desperately to find love for the first time. In America, “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. In Israel, “One Ugly Chassid.”
  
• And just in case anyone thinks the previous title was anti-religious... A man eats nothing but fast-food for 30 days. In America, "Supersize Me." In Israel, "American Tourist." (Just so it's clear that I don't mean every chassid nor every American. Ok, I mean every American. At least the teenage ones.)

"Mah zeh two thahmbs up???
MAH ZEH??????"

Email me your movie titles and see you at the theater!

Purim in Sderot (Better Late than Never)

Is it too late to talk about Purim? Because of camera issues, I didn't have my pictures till now but I don't want to let it go by without at least a quick recap. (Usually when I preface an email with "in short", I proceed to write a 75 page thesis but this will probably be quick. For some nice, emotional gobbledygook about Purim in Israel, see last year's recap.)

(Two more quick things:
1) Gobbledygook is in Wikipedia and would you believe there's more than just a sentence? YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SCROLL DOWN TO READ IT ALL. WHO IS TAKING THE TIME TO ENTER THIS CONTENT???

2) Ech omrim "gobbledygook"?)

What does a cat on a tustus have to do with gobbledygook?

Nothing. So let's move on.

Holidays rule in this country. Thursday night I went to a party at a bar thrown by the organization of birthright alumni. I am the first to brag about my history of great costumes. This year did not add to the list. I am playing the "I was busy" card; only a couple of days before Erev Purim, I started to brainstorm. Sadly, those around me didn't share my vision. I was discouraged into saving "slutty separation fence" for another year.

At the 11th hour, I was running around Dizengoff Center begging the cashier at Home Center to lend me her red overall uniform to no avail. I couldn't find a Pizza Meter nearby to get one of their delivery uniforms and my El Al flight attendant friend didn't get back to me. Sigh, here we go.

One sheet of construction paper...check.
One cardboard box out of a dumpster...check.
Scissors....check.
String...check.
Marker...check.

And voila!

Hamantaschen Post-Iran.


Don't worry, nobody at the party got it either.

Five corners? Nuclear radiation? Never mind. Perhaps "nuclear Hamantaschen" or "Dimona Hamantaschen" would have made more sense....or maybe not. Hey, you take chances...they can't all be winners. I WILL NOT DUMB DOWN MY COSTUMES FOR THE MASSES!!!

(Ok, I'm over it.)

Friday morning, rather than go to any of the big outdoor festivals, I did something much more important to me: drive to Sderot. I've wanted to go for a couple of months and was never able to make it happen. If you don't know what Sderot is, I don't know where to tell you to begin. Here are a few links.

Before things quieted down a little following the incursion into Gaza, people in this country were just so angry and fed up with the situation there and the government's failure to do anything. It's strange for me to be here while it's happening. During the last intifada and especially while recruiting for Young Judaea Israel Programs, I was so frustrated by the way the vast majority of the American Jewish community just completely stopped visiting. I feel like those Israelis who have channeled their emotions into an actual visit are few and far between. I was fortunate enough to be able to come on a Federation solidarity mission in 2003 and there was no way I wasn't going to get to Sderot at some point.

So Friday morning, I awoke at 7 AM to drive with my friend Tal. On the way to meet him, I picked up a couple of oznei Haman (Hamantaschen) to give him as mishloach manot. According to a wise, Jewish man I know (let's call him The Internet), there are four mitzvot to fulfill during Purim.

1) Hearing the Megillah
2) Giving to the poor
3) Giving mishloach manot
4) Listening to Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True"

Just making sure you're paying attention. #4 is eat at a seuda (festive meal).

Tal and I with our Milli Vanilli costume starter kit.

I was hoping to do all four this year until I was told that, "Sorry, moron, the Megillah's only on Thursday night." Who can keep track with Shushan Purim and Purim Meshulash? (By the way, if you didn't get it, I am the moron.)

Fine, so shopping in Sderot was my version of giving to the poor (or in this case, needy) and I planned to have some friends over for dinner Friday night. As Meat Loaf said, "three out of four ain't bad." Or something.

Tal and I got to Sderot around an hour after leaving Tel Aviv. At first, I thought, "Man, the streets are empty! It's a ghost town...how sad!" before realizing that I was in a small town at 9 AM on a Friday morning. I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with falling rockets. This wasn't exactly Gotham City. We parked the car and started walking around the small city center.

The first people we approached were two kids selling newspapers on the street. "Yediot Achronot! Chamesh shekel!" I gave the first kid ten and told him to keep the change. A few feet away, different paper, same situation. Didn't matter that I probably wouldn't read 100 Hebrew words. I was there to show my support and help the sagging economy. How to show your support besides spending money? Strike up a conversation with a local. I ask the first kid, "So what's it like living here?" He replies, "I live in Beersheva."

What the...??? HEY, I WANT MY TEN SHEKELS BACK!!! Punk.

We continued down the block and came across a group of yeshiva boys dancing in the streets for the chag. That was nice. It was uplifting to see some happiness there after what they've been through. At some point while discussing the amounts of money we were going to spend that day, one of us said, "Hey! What are we doing in Tel Aviv? We should come here and pose as locals! We'll make a fortune!"

A resident of Sderot who was nice enough to drive me around town.

Any resemblance to a middle-class Long Island native is strictly a coincidence.

Then the shopping commenced. We bought a few things at a hardware store, a food store, and somehow resisted the urge to buy ars-y jeans (the dangling zipper-chains attached to the back pockets made it easy).

Next stop: cafe for breakfast. Two things to say about this:
1) The waitress's costume was really cute.

"Rak lo tseva adom!" Just not the color red. "Tseva adom" is the name of the alarm that sounds when a rocket is about to hit. Her shirt had stickers of all different colors...except for red. I loved it. Great.

2) The waitress spilled coffee all over me. Aleph, it wasn't hot, and bet, I thought, "I'm gonna come to Sderot and complain about coffee??? Not a chance." I just smiled.

See, folks, Sderot really is dangerous.

Last stop, supermarket. I spent a bunch of cash there and, not surprisingly, I've already let some of the vegetables go bad....what else is new?

After about three-and-a-half hours, we headed home. On the way out, we passed one of the protective bus stops.

A closer look revealed the sign's donors...

How about that, my friends in Atlanta? See where your dollars go? For those of you American Jews who give on Super Sunday, kol hakavod (loose translation="good job"). Those who don't, I hope you'll consider. (Ok, I just went to the Atlanta Federation's website and see that this identical picture already resides there. So much for me winning the Pulitzer.)

So how was it? Quiet. Normal. No sirens. Just another day in Sderot. (Wasn't that a Jon Secada song? 1992 in the house!)

I'm so glad I went. It's important to support Israel these days and the people of Sderot need it. So whether it's visiting, giving money, sending care packages to the kids who are surely going to have issues to deal with as they get older, writing a letter to an American senator, or whatever...I hope everyone does something.

Better late than never....chag sameach.

(Did I say "quick"? I meant "meaningful".)


Live in Jerusalem and looking to help? This just in:

Fair for Vendors from Sderot and the Gaza Periphery, April 11th, 10:30- 15:00

The situation in Sderot and the Gaza periphery is difficult, and has taken its toll on all of the area's residents professionally, personally, and financially. Looking for a way to get involved without making the long drive?

Come do your pre-Pesach shopping at The Merkaz and support businesses from Sderot and the surrounding areas. The atmosphere will be festive, with fun gypsy music and stands with vendors of all sorts.

The entrance fee is only 10 shekels, free for children, to cover costs.
Please come out in support of these great business owners. For more information, contact Deena at 02-561-9165 *203 or at deena@themerkaz.org

Entrance to The Merkaz is at 7A Dor Dor VeDorshav, to Mozeon Hateva on Hamagid Street.

Now That's Service

Hello, my loyal readers-I'm home sick today.  Woke up yesterday with a fever and sniffle.  Change of seasons?  Perhaps.  And what did I learn on my first sick day?  That in many jobs apparently, you need a doctor's note for the time off to come from your sick days, not your vacation time.  That's new for me....not sure what else to say about that.

In between two of my naps and during one of my sit-around-and-do-nothing sessions, the phone rang.  I answered it and was greeted by "shalom, zoht Tia m'Machbesat Amir."  (This is Tia from Amir Cleaners.)  My first thought was "that's strange, I don't remember dropping off clothes there."  Surprise-she's not calling me to ask me when I'm going to pick up my 2002 Banana Republic black sweater which I refuse to get rid of.  No-she's calling to say I haven't been around for a while and is everything ok?

Wow.  I had heard about these calls but not yet received one.  My answer is that I recently moved to Kikar Rabin and their store just isn't so close anymore (and after my recent 72 shekel dry cleaning bill for 2 shirts and a sweater, I'm not sure I'll ever dry-clean again....although to be fair, that was at a different store.)  

That's some nice service.  The pessimist might say "don't take it personally, they're just trying to get your business."  Could be but it actually seemed like they cared.  Am I crazy?  

Now...back to my soup....

Idiot's Guide to Israeli Weddings, Part Shtayim

Guess where I went last night? A wedding! Good times had by all…mazal tov, Mark and Hadar!

As an addendum to last week’s Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings, here are a couple more observations I forgot to include. Read that first if you haven’t already…

--Upon entering the wedding hall, you may see TV screens mounted on the walls around the room. Whereas in America, you might expect them to display a video montage of baby pictures of the couple, here they show some random morphing color show that looks like the thing in Windows Media Player. I know Israelis aren’t big Mac users but I can’t help but feel that I’m missing something here.

Welcome to our happy event!

--Israeli weddings are much bigger than your typical American or Jewish American wedding. In the words of someone last night, “everybody is invited.” As far as I can tell, the invitation process works like this: from a height of 40,000 feet, a blimp drops several thousand invitations over population centers of the country. Whoever picks one up, and…proceeds to then invite everyone in the phone book.

--Israeli men are more fun than American men on dance floors. In America, this territory belongs to the women. Men may or may not dance and usually do so in a fairly non-descript fashion with female dance partners. Remember Bar-Mitzvah parties? Women were the brave ones who formed the circle in the middle while the boys were off somewhere being doofuses (I’m not sure the doofus behavior is connected to our age.)

Last night, once the house/techno/trance (Can someone please tell me what that stuff is called? I only know that I wake up each morning and thank my creator that it’s not on my ipod) came on, the men went nuts, dancing and jumping together on the floor, arms flailing furiously as they laughed, sweated, and had a wild time. We could probably learn something from them. (While we’re at it, I’d also love to learn from them how to maintain that perfect level of four-day scruff. How does it always stay that length? Amazing.)

--There is absolutely zero correlation between appearance and job in this country. In America, someone might look at a hottie patottie and say about a profession, “that job’s beneath her.” Here? Not a chance. I don’t think this says anything about attitudes, just the preponderance of attractive people here. I’m not saying the staff of servers last night were hotter than the Negev in July, but…ok, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

(Stay tuned for next month’s article about Israeli fashion and beauty in the Atlanta Jewish Times’s supplement. Should be a good one.)

What if this woman came to fix your plumbing?

Some guy just threw an entire roll of Charmin down the toilet.

--And two more things about fashion: if I am lying, let G-d strike down every falafel place I’ve ever eaten. Some guy last night had a white shirt with a dragon on the back. Ok, it’s time…I HAVE GOT TO BUY A NEW CAMERA.

Secondly, after getting dressed for the event and walking out of my room, my roommate, a female, starts to critique my outfit of choice. I had on a solid, blue, long-sleeved dress shirt, jeans, and Pumas. Because I won’t let myself speak English with her, I’m not exactly sure why this shirt was not appropriate, or the Pumas, one of my few articles of clothing which apparently are cool. (I half expect one of my friends from New York to break the news that Pumas are now the most dorky thing in the world and what am I thinking owning them? If this happens, I am moving to an island in the South Pacific and wearing nothing but grass skirts.)

9:21 AM “Omig-d, Trevor, those are soooooooooooo cooooool!”
9:22 AM “What are you WEARING??? GROSS!!!!!!!!!!”

I hate fashion.

So, since, of the two of us, she is in fact the native of this country, I changed my clothes after spirited debate and put on something more Israeli (the color black). Upon my arrival to the wedding, I made note of something which I would call the 614th commandment:

Thou shalt not worry about possibly being under- or inappropriately dressed at an Israeli wedding.

Seriously? I really thought I might offend someone? With all the sneakers and designer t-shirts…not a chance anyone was gonna notice me.

Bottom line: everyone had a good time and that’s what’s important.

I think this wraps up this somewhat exhaustive guide. At least till the next wedding.

Did I miss anything?

Ten Bucks Says the Ethicist Has Never Boarded an Egged Bus

And now! Another Israel-based question for the Ethicist!

I participated in a triathlon in which drafting, riding close behind another
bicycle to gain an aerodynamic advantage, was prohibited. While riding alone, I
was overtaken by a large group of cyclists riding together. I had two choices:
slow down and let them pass me, obeying the rules but losing significant time,
or ride with them and break the rules. I chose the latter, and none of us were
disqualified. Was this the right decision? — JOSHUA KULP, MODIIN, ISRAEL

The Ethicist: It was not. Other people’s cheating does not justify your own. Nor were you limited to the alternatives you describe. A triathlete I consulted, Tim Donahue, suggests that you should have shouted: “Guys, watch the drafting. You know the rules.” If rule-breaking riders ignore your warning, he says, report them to race officials and “make a special point to waste them on the run.”

The Israeli Ethicist: What are you, freier??? (optional ars-y open-palm wrist twist in Holon/Bat Yam) Nu, be’emet! Evree-body draft in race! If you do not, you getting screwed. You mahst screw deh government! You know how much money they take each month for tax and arnona???

Hypothetical Devil’s Advocate: But isn’t that cheating?

Israeli Ethicist: Fahk* cheating! (both hands raised in air for emphasis)

Hey, Ethicist, have you read this? Welcome to the Middle East!

Lastly, how many olim have taught their Israeli roommates about the 90% arnona discount only to have their roommates casually suggest (read: DEMAND) that they get the discount for the entire apartment? The "suggestion" generally takes place roughly .0023 seconds after the conversation begins.

*Editor’s note: Please note that “fahk” in Israel is not profanity. See also “bool sheet”

More letters to the Ethicist from Israel:
http://www.whatwarzone.com/2007/12/eat-your-heart-out-rays-pizza.html
http://www.whatwarzone.com/2007/04/take-two-of-these-and-call-me-in.html

An Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings

Well, my loyal readers, the weather’s heating up. You know what that means: that’s right…love is in the air. Wedding season is upon us so you best be prepared for it, Israeli-style. I had the privilege of attending a couple of weddings recently which gave me an up-close-and-personal look at matrimony, Middle East-style.

Now…Israeli weddings are somewhat different from in America so you’ll want to know what to expect beforehand. Buckle your selt belts, here we go. (This does not apply to religious weddings which I have yet to experience here.)

Attire:
Dress in this country is casual and weddings are no exception. I can’t even tell you the last time I wore a tie since moving here, if it’s even happened once. This makes for an interesting learning experience at your first wedding.

“Hey, who let the homeless guy in??? (pause) Oh, that’s the groom??? How’s he gonna break the glass wearing Crocs?”

Ok, so maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Although for some reason, it is virtually impossible to find a plain white dress shirt in this country. Apparently clothing manufacturers receive government incentives to print their white shirts with a dragon on the back. Future immigrants, bring dress clothes with you. Forget the ties.

I know you're not sold on it but wait till you see it with the cumberbund.

Gifts:
You've seen "The Apprentice"? Money money money moooooney! MONEY!

Gift shopping is definitely easier in Israel. “Ehhhhhhh…mah zeh Crate and Bah-rehl???” There’s no registry, people…it’s all about the Benjamins, baby. Or the Yitzchak Ben-Zvis. That’s right, cash money.

Guests are greeted upon arrival by a box in which to drop your cash gift, in an envelope of course. (So are you supposed to put a card in there too? At my last wedding, I just wrote my short message ON the envelope. Weird, I know…but isn’t the drop box/cash thing weird anyway?) Someone told me that the happy couple uses this money to pay for the wedding and you’re basically paying for your meal. There’s a joke here somewhere. Commenters?

Voting for Knesset or leaving his gift? I guess we'll never know...
(Hey, as long as you're here, care to officiate?)

By the way, the guy on the 100 shekel bill is Yitzchak Ben-Zvi, the President from 1952 to 1963. He’s wearing a tie. Looking sharp, Yitz! It might be time to change those glasses though.

Chupah:
In America, often the bride invites her hometown rabbi who then recounts his history with the happy couple: “When I first met Sarah in the junior congregation, I knew she was going to be a wonderful Jewish woman.” In Israel, the couple may or may not choose the rabbi by opening the phone book to the letter “resh” and throwing darts. When the two families join the bearded man under the chupah, the guests then join together and sing “one of these things is not like the other”.

Then the ceremony begins. The goal of the invited guests is to talk as much as humanly possible and pretend that a wedding is not happening. Bonus points are awarded for answering a cell phone.

Immediately afterwards, mass congratulation ensues. I wasn’t used to that. At my first wedding, somebody came up to me and said "mazal toooooov!"

(Confused look) "What did I do? Well, I did eat 12 egg rolls in 5 minutes. I just didn't think anybody noticed."

Reception:
Israeli weddings: where Bryan Adams songs go to die. Yup, heard it twice recently.

"Baby, you're all that I want...when I'm lyin' here in your arms...
I'm finding it hard to believe...we're in Hevron."

Performing at Madison Square Garden…or at Shlomit’s wedding.

After the traditional couple slow dances, the party begins with the DJ playing one of the following songs:

1) “Put your HANDS up in the air, put your hands up....IN THE AIR!” (That’s all I know. I think those might be the only words.)
2) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, baby! (Ooh! Ah!) I wanna knooooooooooow……..if you’ll be my girl!

Holy cow-I can’t believe these are actually songs that are able to be found online. Is there anything not on the internet? Neither one of those however can possibly match the sheer ridiculousness of the following song. Here it comes...oh dear G-d...

3) A remix of “9 to 5”. I wish I were kidding. (Can people who are still alive roll in their graves? Dabney Coleman is rolling in something.)

Please note that the Israeli wedding is not to be confused with an Israeli dance party where the party does not officially begin until the DJ plays “Hips Don't Lie”.

Holy ful, I swear this is true. At my friend Maya’s wedding a few weeks back, the party’s raging, she’s dancing up a storm, and everyone’s having a great time. When Maya does her rounds to say hello to all her friends, I ask her “Maya! How are you?” In just the right voice inflection that can’t possibly be conveyed in print, she responds “b’seder!” For the love of G-d, does anything get this populace excited? WHAT IS NOT B’SEDER???

Would winning a gold medal be b’seder? How about the lottery? The classic Disneyworld commercial just wouldn’t translate to Israeli TV. “Dudu, you just signed a peace treaty with the Palestinians to end hundreds of years of conflict!! Where are you going?”

Ehhhhhhhhhh…I am going home! B’seder!

"Hey, Amit, your house is on fire!"
"B'SEDEEEEER!!!"

Of course the whole American concept of wedding crashers would never work here. The country’s too small…everyone knows each other!

“Hey, who are you?”
“Ehh…I am Moshe, I am stock broker.”
“No, you’re not! You’re Dudu’s cousin! You work at gas station!”

So there you have it. An Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings. In conclusion, bring cash, dancing shoes, and be prepared to have fun.

Oh yes…and put your HANDS up in the air , put your hands up....IN THE AIR!

Geez...I almost forgot to include an actual picture. A happy couple.

Update: Part II found here.

More "b'seder":
Yiyeh b'seder and health!
Yiyeh b’seder and the bomb!
Yiyeh b'seder and its soulmate!

No time to read them? B'SEDEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!

Want automatic email updates for new posts? Sign up on the right!

Who Needs a Vacation?

My dear friend Sarit keeps urging me to get back to writing about my life and the ridiculous experiences I have (you know, like with Israeli model Nivit Bash or with the human….um, the guys dressed up in costume). I know, I need to; it’s just more time-consuming and I’m a perfectionist with what I write on here. And when the ridiculous headlines come into the war zone, they’re impossible to resist.

Now...it wasn't long ago that this story ran in Jpost, exposing the sex habits of Israeli women. So to speak. Jewish hornballs launched an attack on that server in an lightning-quick strike that would have made Moshe Dayan proud. The offensive was led by me and Lieutenant General Tal A. as we single-handedly visited this page 120,000 times in one hour forwarding it to our friends. (The Lieutenant General's last name is being kept confidential for security reasons. That or because he told me he doesn't want people to see this when they Google him.)

Out of our way, women and children! We have an article to read!
On second thought, women, you can stay.

Well, guess what? Haaretz is getting in on the action with this story about Israeli women and what they like to do on vacation.

For Israeli women, going on vacation means more sex and lots of touristy activities - whether they are with their partners or not…. Such are the findings of a new study of the sexual behavior of vacationing Israeli women, conducted by the Department of Hotel and Tourism Management at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev…..

The study's findings show that having sex is an important factor in a woman's satisfaction from her tourism experience. In some cases, it is even an essential element and/or a motivating factor for the vacation, meaning that the vacation is perceived as an opportunity for a couple to conduct their sexual relationship in a new, relaxed environment……a trip backpacking was described by participants in the study as an opportunity to have casual sex in a foreign environment. In such instances, the number of sex partners increases….

In an unrelated note, it is with great excitement that I would like to announce the launching of my new business venture, Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency. When you travel with tour guide Benji Massachusetts, you can be sure you are getting the finest in relaxed environment, the finest in trip backpacking, and the finest in whatever the hell else these women said they wanted.

It's amazing how quickly you can throw
an office together during your lunch break.

We currently offer trips to Thailand, South America, the Far East, and for women hailing from rural Israel who consider Tel Aviv to be a tourist attraction, an apartment on Sderot Chen near Kikar Rabin. (Please be advised that the other person living in the apartment goes to bed around 10 PM. Parking not included.) Having been a practicing tour guide since 2:45 PM, let me assure you that I have your traveling interests in mind, ladies. I provide interesting descriptions of sites which may or may not be similar to what you might find on Wikipedia and am known for my ability to distinguish between Asians and South Americans, especially after hearing their accents.

So call now…operators are standing by!

What will we learn next about the habits of Israeli women? LET’S GO, YNET!!! BATTER UP!!!

If Channel 10 Runs This, I'm Suing

It's a small world, my loyal readers. No, I'm not channeling Walt Disney. I'm talking Tom Friedman, as in "The World is Flat". Only a handful of years ago, everybody's favorite Jewish state had two TV channels and American movies that often opened up months after their US release.

Now? Well...this.

Souljah Boys aside, Israel has everything now. McDonalds. Check. MTV? Check. Canned Spam? Ok...we don't have that, baruch hashem. (That's just nasty, Americans.)

You keep this out of our country, we'll keep arsim out of yours.

We even have the hit TV show "Survivor" (that's a link to the Israeli version). For years, my friends made the joke till it got old: "Hey, you know what? Every day in Israel is 'Survivor'! Ha!" Or "When are they gonna do 'Survivor: Gaza' ? " But it's really here so we don't have to joke anymore.

Reality TV? Just as big here. And the biggest shows from the West all have their own Middle Eastern versions. "American Idol"? "Kochav Nolad". "Dancing with the Stars"? "Rokdim im Kochavim".

You know what I want to see? "Fear Factor." Oh yeah. Israeli Fear Factor. This show would be so easy to write! All the challenges? They're already here!

Round one? Drive.

Not with spiders, people. In a car, with Israel drivers. I wouldn't do it. All the cars here with their red "שמור מרחק" (shmor mirchak) bumper stickers...does anyone know what that means? You wanna know? I'll tell you. "Shmor mirchak" actually means "I drive like a loony bin." In case you were wondering.

Round two on Israeli Fear Factor? Twelve o'clock...on a Sunday...stand in line at Bituach Leumi. BEFORE A STRIKE. (Sorry, non-Israelis, it loses something in translation. I'll leave it to my fellow olim...what does "bituach leumi" mean to you?)

If any contestants manage to survive those two feats, the championship will surely knock them out. Ready? Go to the shuk, lick the ground.

Americans, you think live roach-eating is gross? I will pay a shiny, new two-shekel piece to anyone who can correctly identify the mystery gunk on the ground of Shuk HaCarmel.

It's only a matter of time. I can't wait to see what other shows come here. "The Simple Life"? That's easy. Moshav.

What's on TV tonight?

Funniest Thing in the World

There's nothing funnier than hearing "Crank That (Souljah Boy)" come out of a cell phone interrupted by an Israeli woman saying "AH-lo!" Ringtones are ridiculous.

Israelis, if you don't understand this, I can only compare it to some redneck in rural Alabama having "Hinei Ani Ba" by Hadag Nachash on his phone and answering "YELL-o!"

Actually, it's 1000 times funnier than that.

And I don't even know what to say about this.

Is this the Yemenite step?

Why am I Not Surprised?

As a follow-up to funniest book in the history of the world, here's a funny story which reminded me of this frustrating experience. I was at the train station the other day waiting to board a bus to Jerusalem (that's not a mistake (the "bus at the train station" part, not the part about wanting to go to Jerusalem (although some people in Tel Aviv would disagree (no, I'm not getting paid by the parentheses office)))).

So as my friends here know, nothing stresses me out more than waiting to be served: at a government office, a restaurant counter, WHATEVER. The fact that there are NO LINES to clarify who the heck is next combined with my PARANOIA that people around me are going to cut in front of me is unbearable. This stress, however, is relieved when you just miss boarding an inter-city bus with the knowledge that you'll be one of the first to board the next one.

I find myself in this very situation on Monday, surrounded by a group of others including some non-descript woman standing nearby. As the bus comes, the crowd slowly boards one-by-one. As we inch our way to the front, I notice this woman turning her head repeatedly towards me to look at me.

Not really thinking anything of it, I continue inching my way towards the door to the bus until she and I arrive at the narrow entrance at the same time. She says in Hebrew "I think you were before me." Knowing I was getting on either way, I said with a sense of calmness, "That's ok, go ahead, but that's VERY, VERY nice of you. That doesn't happen very often in Israel."
She responds, "I'm not Israeli."

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if you had to be there or not, but that was funny.

What is this, a rally?
No, it's a single-file line at the post office.

More fun in Israeli lines

Who Wants to Spank a Tree?

I feel like the story of Tu B'shvat was started as some kind of a practical joke and then continued over the years (why does this sound familiar?...Tom Cruise (cough)). The birthday...of the trees? Are we supposed to sing to them?

When I got to work today, I was greeted by a nice spread of all kinds of fruits and nuts. That's pretty amazing...don't remember it happening in the States. I seriously couldn't identify a lot of them. There was a long orange thing that wasn't a carrot...papaya apparently. Who can recognize a fig? I couldn't. Hard to make out all of them but there they are, on my plate. Chag sameach, everyone.
What happens when the tree turns 21? Do you pour a bottle of beer on it?

An Israeli's Response to the Funniest Book in the History of the World

Here's one that's been sitting in my proverbial hopper for months, just waiting to be written (ech omrim "proverbial hopper"?) It's a long one...get ready.

On my last trip to the States, I came across this in the airport bookstore: "Excuse Me, But I Was Next: How to Handle the Top 100 Manners Dilemmas" by Peggy Post.

Over the next 45 minutes, I proceeded to be be drawn into one of the funniest books in the history of the world. Here's Amazon's description:

Have you ever been annoyed by cell phone yakkers, line–cutters, movie chatters, or noxious neighbors. . .

Yes, I have. And if you don't know where this is going, seriously, you're at the wrong website.

been confused about who pays at a restaurant...spotted someone double dipping...gotten a gift you hated? America's etiquette expert Peggy Post comes to the rescue in this concise, readable book devoted to the top 100 etiquette issues everyone wonders about....Peggy addresses them as only she can––in her direct, fresh, unpretentious style. You'll learn how to politely say"no" to difficult requests, how to introduce someone if you've forgotten their name, damage control for email bloopers, what to do if people don't reply to your RSVP, how to actually get your kids to write thank–you notes, and much more. Peggy Post captures the essence of etiquette for today's world, distilled into the perfect gift book.

Ok, let's get right to it, shall we? Israelis right now are already laughing.

Chapter 2: Top 10 Nosy Questions and Quick Retorts
Q: "How much money do you make?"
A: "Not enough to buy the house that’s going up down the road!" Israelis, you can now make fun of Americans for being fake and passive-aggressive. How about "none of your business, assface. Any more questions?" Or "I'd rather not answer that question." Call me crazy.

Q: How much did you pay for that suit?
A: "Why, does it look expensive?" So clever! How did she DO that???

Q: “Have you had work done...like a facelift?"
A: "Hey, do I look younger? It must be all that clean living!”

What kind of person would ask that last question? And has Peggy written her follow-up book "Stupid Questions and the Morons Who Ask Them"?

If she were an Israeli woman her age, she's be naturally beautiful.
Of course, she'd also have bright red hair and dress like a 17 year-old.

Chapter 6: Cutting Ties with Your Hairdresser
"Breaking up with a hairdresser is like ending any relationship…the key is to be honest and polite." I guess so...if you're ****ing your hairdresser.

Ch. 12:"Excuse me, but I was next"
Ok, here we go....

Q: I was in a long line at store and waiting quite a while. A new line opened and the woman who just joined the end rushed to be the first one. The cashier started ringing her up. What should I have done?
A: Immediately say, "Excuse me, but I believe I was ahead of you." If he doesn’t retreat, don’t push, go speak to the manager.

We call this person a "freier". Can you say "freier", boys and girls? Talk to a manager??? Can you even imagine trying that here? "Nu, mah ani a’aseh??? Kacha zeh b’Yisrael!!!"

Peggy continues: "If you don't want to confront them, the antidote to rudeness is to kill 'em with kindness. " Ok, let me think about that for a second....HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whew, that was great! (laughing, wiping away tears) Kill 'em with kindness? How about with a machine gun? "At very least, it may shame them into acting more civilized." Freier.

You could also sing this fun song...

Why do people look upset here? This isn’t normal in America?
Do you know what we call it here? Tuesday.

Ch 22: Limits of Generosity
Q: When a co-worker miscarries, never say "it was for the best" or "it was God's will."

Gee, do you think so? Hey everybody! Be sure to buy next book from Peggy Post: "Excuse Me, But I Think You Just Ran Over My Dog", giving such useful tips as "Things Not to Say When Your Loved One Gains 700 Pounds"

Ch 28: Internet Dating Etiquette
"Post only an up-to-date photo." Listening, Jdaters? "Arrange a first meeting in a public place and limit the duration." If you don't know that, there's a reason you're single. Hmm...I've never met this guy....he won't divulge his job...he doesn't have pictures posted...I know! WEEKEND GETAWAY IN THE CAYMANS!

Ch 43: Dressing Downer
Q: When together with friends, my 15 year-old insists on wearing grungy jeans and a t-shirt. I tried to get him to dress nicer but he says that’s his style and to leave him alone.
Benji's A: Have you considered attending a wedding in Petach Tikva?

Ch 50: How to Eat a Cherry Tomato
I am not even kidding. LADY, IRAN IS DEVELOPING A NUCLEAR BOMB TO BLOW US ALL UP!!! FORGET THE CHERRY TOMATOES!!!

Ch 59: Flying the Unfriendly Skies
Q: I’m fed up with parents who let their children act up on airplanes. During the last few flights, I've been kicked, poked, and tormented with nonstop whining and tantrums. How do I make it stop?
Benji's A: Switch to Israir


And more....

Q: My wife’s company is holding a holiday party. I’m world’s worst communicator…advice?
A: "Be well versed on current events."

You know, like this lady.

"Steer clear of controversial topics."
So it wouldn't be wise to say "So I'm thinking about moving to Hebron...thoughts?"

Q: At a party, I started talking politics and the discussion got heated. The host seemed uncomfortable. I enjoy a good debate and think our argument was civil but my wife insists it was rude. Who’s right?
A: Discussion of an interesting topic can be a great party activity, provided no one curses or resorts to full-scale argument. Most subjects (the market, sports, politics) are fair game as long as the expresser rationally listens with an open mind and refrains from insisting too vehemently on his views. Unless the conversation amounted to all out verbal combat, it is not rude.
Benji's A: Were people screaming at each other and yelling "mah karah lecha???" If so, this is called talking. You are too sensitive.

PTA Pressures
Q: A parent from the PTA keeps calling me to help me with school projects but I’m overwhelmed with a job and kids. What should I do?

FOR THE LOVE OF G-D, SAY NO! Or say you have miluim (army reserves) for the next 6 months. That's the Israeli version of "ooooh, I wish I could but I have to wash my hair."

Telephone troubles
Q: As the pace of modern life speeds up, rudeness seems to escalate. Here are some of the most offensive and rude behaviors.
1) Cell yell: Broadcasting cell conversation in public as if the person were hard of hearing.

Dude, people are smoking IN THE MALL here. Do you think they give a rat's ass about whispering?
Example: I was in the bathroom at a restaurant and the woman next to me was on her cell phone! I was forced to listen while others waited. Is there anything I could have done?

Yes, politely ask her to use movie theater.

That'll teach him to talk on his cell phone.

2) Driving recklessly: Zipping from lane to lane and generally driving like maniac

Did that say manyak?

Q: I was 5 minutes late for interview. I didn’t get job even though I was qualified. Was lateness the reason.
Benji's A: 5 minutes??? YOU’RE HIRED!

Q: I am female and my male client likes to greet me with a kiss. It doesn’t bother me but my boss thinks it’s odd. Should I ask him to stop? I don’t want to offend him and possibly jeopardize our business relationship.
Benji's A: Has he considered running for Knesset?

Peggy Post is today’s recognized leading authority on etiquette. She was also rejected by Nefesh B'Nefesh and will never live in Israel.

SAY IT! SAY IT!

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

-Some old dude

B-Shakes knew what he was talking about. The rose may smell as sweet but they're not calling it the same thing all around the world. Whether you call me Joe Montana or Flowers McGee, it doesn't change the fact that I can't throw a football. That said, would it kill people in this country to call me by my actual name?

"To be...or not to be?
That is the.....ehhhhhhhhh.........NU!"

For the sake of this example, let's say we're all Americans. Ok, now everybody eat a Big Mac and act fake. Ha ha. (C'mon, I make fun of the Israelis all the time, it's all in good fun. OR IS IT??? High-five, Israelis!) You've just met a nice Israeli who's moved to the States; in fact, you're a teacher and he's one of your students. You see his name written on the roll sheet but there's a vowel missing. The name reads "Mrdechai."

When calling his name, do you say...?
A) Mardechai
B) Murdechai
C) Mordechai
D) This is America! You'll go by Morty and like it!

(My senior year, we had an Israeli kid named Yuval enroll in the school. He joined my gym class where the other boys proceeded to call him "Yuvie." How endearing. As far as these people were concerned, he was what sunglasses were supposed to protect them from.)

If you said C, you guessed correctly. If you said D, you are very multi-cultured.

So why is it so hard for people here to pronounce "Benji"? BEN-gee!!!

SAY IT! SAY IT, DAMMIT!!!

New Years Eve, I'm at Karnaf, this wrap place with my friends Ziv and Amalia. We place our orders and wait for them to call our names over the mic. "Zeev!" Check. "Amalia!" Check. "Bahn-gee!" My friends laughed hysterically and the truth is, I did too. How could I not? Aside from the fact that over the microphone, most of the Middle East probably heard it, it's ridiculous that when Israelis say my name, they apparently think I'm named for this.

Really? בנג'י is so foreign? It's not obvious that it's connected to "Benjamin" or בנימין? I never had a name that I had to explain in the States, like my co-worker "Brannon" who introduced herself as "Dannon" with a "Br-". I guess I'd better get used to it.

Either that or start going by "Dudu." Of course that raises a whole nother series of issues.