More Obsession With English

People are seriously obsessed with English in this country. Need I link to the t-shirts again? In the middle of speaking in Hebrew, someone will just - without warning - say one phrase or part of a sentence in English. I cannot figure out why, which phrases they choose to translate, and at what point their brain says, "Hey, I'm gonna say this in another language!" I witnessed this at least 10 times today.

Sorry that this will be in transliteration but kacha zeh...

"Nimas li mi'zeh! Nimas li mi'zeh! Im hu mamsheech la'asot et zeh...? Den heet deh road Jeck!"

Umm...did you just spend the weekend in Motown or something?

Even the Animals Speak Hebrew

This past weekend, I went up north to visit my friend Michael. That's Mi-kha-el (as in "who is like G-d", Hebrew), not Michael (as in Jackson, freak of nature.) Saturday morning, while I'm sitting at the table with his two kids, he starts to give me a tour of the breakfast cereals: there's Cheerios, some whole-wheat concoction, and Shalva, which apparently is a classic, old-school cereal which is cheap and has been around since the days of King David.


When looking at the Shalva bag, I see that it has "peh gadol" written on it. Michael explains that while, yes, it does mean "big mouth", it's also what parents say to little kids before they shove food down their throats. What's the English equivalent? "Open wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...."?


So I start playing with the 1.5 year old, saying "peeeeeeeeeeeeh gadooooooooool!" before feeding myself. He repeats. Then I say "peh gadol v'ozen gadol!" (big mouth and big ear), as I hold my left ear out with one hand and shovel the cereal into my mouth with the other. He repeats. Ahhh....seems that we have a game of follow the leader!


"Peh gadol v'einayim g'doloooot! (big mouth and big eyes)
"Peh gadol v'oseh kmo chatuuuuuuul!" (....and does like a cat: "meow meow!")
"Pet gadol v'oseh kmo keleeeeeeeeeeev!" (....and does like a dog: "ruff ruff!")


(pause)


1.5 Year Kid: "Mah zeh 'ruff ruff' ?"

Who the hell ever heard a sheep say "meh meh?"

CLEARLY they're saying "bah". When they talk. To me. Often.

Mah zeh "ruff ruff"....THAT was funny.

Anybody want to explain the Hebrew animal language? Ayn li koach.

The bird says "tseef tseef!"

The rooster says "kookooreekoo!"

The ars says "AHLO AHLO!"

And, yes, this means that the 1.5 year old speaks better than I do.

Eat Your Heart Out, Johnny Carson

Three posts in one day??? What in the name of Dizengoff Center is going on here? I’ll tell you what’s going on.

For those of you who are new to the War Zone, last year, my main man David Brinn formerly of Israel21c was gracious enough to invite me to the Maxim magazine photo shoot here in Tel Aviv. It was then that I met Israeli model Nivit Bash, causing the Israeli Department of Transportation to dispatch three city workers to clean up the puddle of drool outside the Hashalom train station. I wrote a piece for this here blog, an article for 21c, and another update here and there.

Just because…

So guess whose stuff comes up first, second, third, fifth, and sixth in a Google search? Every month, I get a good number of Google searchers who type in “Nivit Bash” and find their way to my blog. This may have something to do with the first post being my most read, at least since I installed Google Analytics in December.

Since plenty of people seem to be interested in Nivit (it must be for her political views), I thought it might be worthwhile to interview her. People get to learn more about her, she gets publicity, and I get more page views (especially if she becomes the next Talentless Biotch Formerly Known as Bar.) Nu, zeh ween-ween! The model currently entered in my phone as “Nivit the Jewish Goddess” has agreed to meet with me Friday at noon for coffee (entered as such in order to distinguish her from Nivit the Supreme Court Justice and Nivit the Backup Point Guard.)

As far as I can recall, this will be my first real one-on-one personal interview, Larry King-style. What in the world should I ask this woman? Anything you guys are curious to know about? Clearly I have to broach the topics of arsim, line-cutting, and chumus, right? Who has ideas for questions, topics, and general interview decorum? If this goes well, hopefully it will lead to more interviews with other interesting Israelis. (And just to pre-empt the question, yes, she has a boyfriend. She made sure to mention it approximately 1.28 seconds after our conversation began.)

“Dudu from Kfar Pines, you’re on with Nivit Bash.”
(Think that’s pronounced “pines”? Welcome to Israel.)

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Beth Israel

So everybody knows that American movies are translated into funny or just weird names in Hebrew (and to be fair, other languages as well, although I’ll leave it up to Chien-Ming to make fun of his people on his Chinese immigration blog.) I referenced this phenomenon in this recent post and nowhere is it explained better than in this article which gives tons of examples.

“The Naked Gun” becomes “The Gun Died Laughing”
“George of the Jungle”… “The Jungle Died Laughing”
“BASEketball”…any guesses? You guessed it…“Falafel Man, Put Away Your Chest Hair”

Just making sure you're paying attention. But who is doing all this laughing?

"Hey, Dudu, this is lost in translation.
NO, I MEAN YOUR TRANSLATION IS LOST IN TRANSLATION!"

Look, how are you supposed to translate slang like “Knocked Up” into another language? Translators don’t have it easy and that’s where I come along. Starting now, I will be translating movie titles on this blog on a volunteer basis so they can be more easily understood by an Israeli audience. If you have any of your own, email them to me and I’ll post my favorites under the new category “Israeli Movie Titles”. Here are a few to get the party started, including the one from the aforementioned post.

• A lawyer is unable to tell a lie, causing him to be brutally honest with everyone around him. In America, this movie is called “Liar Liar”. In Israel, “Tuesday”.
  
• A look into racism, car accidents, and anger on the roads. In America, “Crash”. In Israel, “The Ayalon Freeway”.
  
• Chaos reigns supreme as beachgoers are terrorized and fear for their safety. In America, “Jaws.” In Israel, “Arsim.”
  
• A middle-aged man tries desperately to find love for the first time. In America, “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. In Israel, “One Ugly Chassid.”
  
• And just in case anyone thinks the previous title was anti-religious... A man eats nothing but fast-food for 30 days. In America, "Supersize Me." In Israel, "American Tourist." (Just so it's clear that I don't mean every chassid nor every American. Ok, I mean every American. At least the teenage ones.)

"Mah zeh two thahmbs up???
MAH ZEH??????"

Email me your movie titles and see you at the theater!

Reason #485 Why You Should Go to Ulpan

Any olim chadashim reading? Like really chadashim? Here’s a tip from Uncle Benji: go to Ulpan. A lot. Like nine times a day. If I could do this whole thing again, I’d take my first 6 months off and do an Ulpan full-time. Of course (all together now): If my aunt had…uh…

Ok, if the guy in the kipah and the extremely tacky t-shirt had a sheidel, he’d be an awkward religious woman.

Ok, what is with the t-shirts in this country?
Seriously. No, SERIOUSLY.

My Hebrew ain’t bad but Naughty by Nature won’t be singing “Feel Me Flow” about it anytime soon. (Hi-do you know me? My name is “worst attempt in history to sound cool.” So nice to meet you.) Just a few days ago, I stopped in Roladin, the bakery chain with a location near where I work. I size up the burekasim and tell the woman behind the counter “shtay tapuach adama, shtay tiras.” (Two potato, two corn) Although only .00323 seconds elapsed before realizing the error of my ways and yelling “tered! tered!” (spinach! spinach!), the damage had been done. I may as well have continued ordering in Martian (do they have an Ulpan for learning that language?)

When I went back today and ordered the same thing, correctly of course, she remembered me and couldn’t hide her smile. I said, “you come to America so I can laugh at you!” to which she answered, "I ehm lahf-eeng weeth you, noht aht you." Right. And Hamas is shooting with Sderot, not at it.

They better not be telling this story at the Roladin company Christmas party. I’m definitely going back in disguise next time.

How I'll be dressed for Roladin next time, or...
Just a typical day on Sderot Rothschild.
(Why does Spiderman need a uni-cycle?)

Well, I guess corn is pretty outrageous to add to foods. It’s not like people here eat corn on pizza or anything.

Oh yeah…YES THEY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cue the scary “Psycho” music.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

This is Why I Created the "Benji's Getting Serious" Category

We interrupt this program for me to break character for a minute. When I started this blog, it was the classic traveler’s journal for family and friends about my life, expectations, experiences, etc. It didn’t take long for me to find my voice and start making fun of everything here (because if you don’t as an immigrant, you might go insane). Rare is the occasion that I share too much about myself, thoughts, feelings, etc. This would be the good time to make the requisite April Fool’s joke about deciding to stop writing this blog out of some ideological reason but I’m a day late and lo ba li (I don’t feel like it).

I just wanted to share the feeling last night I had of being really PUMPED UP. B’kitzur, my friends know I first did stand-up comedy over 10 years ago, on and off for the next several years, more off than on, with years completely off at times. Finally, after numerous efforts over the years to dedicate myself (which truthfully never even got off the ground nor became more than meaningless declarations), I decided before last summer that it was time, and this time I meant it. A series of experiences were enough to “flip the switch” inside me, so to speak. Since September, I have been on a mission, performing at open mic nights in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, paid gigs here and there, private shows for groups, even dragging my butt literally out of bed on Erev Rosh Hashana to the open mic down the street which began past 12:30 AM if memory serves because the voice in my head was yelling at me again and I couldn’t stand to hear it any longer (I was literally lying in bed going to sleep, I didn’t literally drag my butt…is that possible?) It only took a couple of months for me to discern real significant improvement and it’s continued since then with great feedback throughout.

Many Tuesday nights I go to the open mic night at the Camel Comedy Club in Tel Aviv, one of the few comedy clubs in Israel (and I’m talking less than five…another example of how America is the land of everything and lots of it. And by the way, can we do something about that name? This country’s diplomats and shlichim are paid to teach the world that we have thriving cities, cutting-edge technology, and beautiful culture…can we stop giving the American teenagers camel rides when they come here?)

I hate riding my camel in Tel Aviv. Impossible to find parking.

Except for a couple of times, I have been the only American there and I spend my five minutes performing in English for an Israeli crowd who may or may not understand what the heck I’m talking about although to my surprise, the mostly teenage crowd does get most of it (I do however have to change some words here and there and throw in a gratuitous F-word which makes them laugh. "Ha, hu amar ‘fahk’! Ha ha!" People often ask me if I perform in Hebrew and while the answer is no, I have realized that not doing so keeps certain doors closed which I haven’t spent much time worrying about. (There are plenty of opportunities to perform here for English-speakers and plain and simple, my Hebrew ain’t even CLOSE to being good enough…and did I mention that life is busy as an oleh chadash? I have about 485 more important things to worry about like when I’m going to get my Israeli drivers license, buying furniture, and whatever else is always on my to do list. Switching over to Hebrew? One day…)

What am I saying? That although I usually do well at the Camel, there are never any guarantees when I am NOT SPEAKING THE NATIVE LANGUAGE OF THE PAYING AUDIENCE. (Yes, I have spent some time thinking about the complete insanity of this.) I have always believed that as long as I perform in English with the inherent risk that some or a significant percentage of the audience on any given night just won’t get it, I would not be asked by the management to move up and perform another night of the week in a higher-level show. And despite regularly getting one of the better receptions on Tuesday nights, no one has talked to me about moving up.

Until last night. As I was on my way out the door, one of the guys working who I’d not met before called me into his office. I probably didn’t catch every word and don’t even remember what he did say aside from the words “mitkadem” (advance) and “Yom Revi’i” (Wednesday). In this area of my life, I’ve taken most things in stride over the past few months. I am happy to admit that this to me was a beeg deel and it was hard for me to control my excitement as he was talking to me. I took the guy’s number, told him I’d call him, and expect to be on stage there next Wednesday. Five minutes later, I was outside breaking the news to my friends Etan and Amos and an Israeli comic Eyal. After my explaining that this was “a real show!”, Eyal brought me down to earth by saying “well, it’s not exactly a real show”. Ha ha…G-d forbid anything is better than just b’seder in this country. Ok, you know what? I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if the crowd is bigger, it’s not a paying gig, I probably get a few more minutes, I know before hand that I’m going on because it’s a set lineup and not an open mic, and that’s what I know, not to mention that they should be asking me to move up because of the reception I’ve gotten. But I don’t care. I moved to another country, am doing stand-up comedy, and am making people laugh IN ANOTHER BLEEPING LANGUAGE. In a place where olim chadashim often spend their time feeling like idiots, freirs, inadequate, and occasionally wanting to pull their hair out of their head, this is an victory. (Nefesh B'Nefesh is going to put a hit on me if I keep scaring away Diaspora Jews. If I disappear, you know who did it.) I may look back in two weeks and say “what was I talking about?” This is no different from what I was doing before and almost certainly my goals will continue to change, making Thursday nights the beeg deal.

But for now, even for a short time, I’m appreciating this and tooting my own horn. Because wanting something, working hard for it, and getting it is what life’s all about. Or something like that. And the day I perform just five minutes in broken Hebrew and get even one laugh? I won’t even know how to describe that.

Whew…

Update: I just talked to my friend Tal who also performs on Wednesdays. Remember SAT analogies? Tuesday is to Wednesday...as Wednesday is to Thursday. It’s basically the next level, no big surprise. You do that for who knows how long and if you’re good enough, they move you to the next night, a more professional show. Tal confirmed that of course you get more time on Wednesday (8 minutes maybe?) and the quality of performers is higher although the crowds recently have not been as big as Tuesdays. And perhaps the best thing is that it’s more stage time. I can still go on Tuesdays to practice and work stuff out and then treat Wednesday like more of a performance. And everyone in stand-up knows that the #1, #2, and #3 most important things in stand-up is to find a way to get onstage.

More of “What the *$@# does that word say?”

Inspired by Pant Steak…

Who saw “Hisardut (Survivor)” last night? Great way to practice your Hebrew with the subtitles. Until I saw “גו גתר”.

Here was me sounding it out in the second before the audio caught up.

“Gav? Gav ga-TAHR?”

Oh GEEZ…

This is starting to require its own blog category…

How Can Someone Wet Her Pants But Still Conjugate in Passive Tense?

Good morning, my loyal readers-I hope to have my Purim update online in the next 24 hours. I’m having some logistical issues in the camera department which will be resolved soon. As always, it was a nice holiday experience. I hope you all had a chag sameach and to any of my Christian readers (do I have any Christian readers?), a happy Easter to you.

Today is our company costume contest and several employees brought their kids to work. Lemme tell you…there is nothing cuter than little Israeli kids (quite possibly because they represent the small segment of the population whose Hebrew is on my level). And of course, when you see a baby, a dog, or a kid in the office, you are bound by the laws of physics to drop what you’re doing and pay attention to them.

So when I saw a little 5 year-old in costume, I made my way over to say hello. No matter what the language, you assume your “talking to a little kid voice” with inflections and slow pace of speech.

“Boker toooooooov! (Good morning)”
“Bat kamah aaaaaaht? (How old are you?)”
“Sorry, we’re aaaaaaaall out of Absolut.” Just kidding.

I always wonder…what do little kids think about immigrants who speak another language? At what age do kids understand the presence of different languages and countries? Did this kid think I was an alien? I assume Israeli kids figure it out faster than Americans because of all the English in their lives, starting with on television.

After about a minute of conversing, I said to the girl in Hebrew, “I think that your Hebrew might even be better than mine!”

She replies, “I know.”

Are they just born honest here or what? Is there even a translation for “white lie” in this country? Throw me a bone, kid.

Is there another situation in which a five year-old is better than you in some area? I don’t care who you are, that sucks.

A classic comedy about a man who must be brutally honest with everyone around him.
In Israel, this movie is translated as “Tuesday”.

Update: I just heard the girl speaking Russian to her father. I feel dumb.

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcast to Make Fun of Americans

Lioz Shem-Tov is an Israeli comedian who recently was invited to audition for the next season of “Last Comic Standing.” Apparently the show, in an effort to become more interesting, has decided to open their doors to a few international performers. Lioz flew to Miami and was invited to come back for the next round in Vegas. A free trip to Vegas would be exciting for anyone but for someone living outside of the States, it’s even a bigger deal. (I want to use the word “chul” here but I know it’s not correct. Is there a word for “American chul”?)

Last night, Lioz calls me with help understanding a letter he got from someone at the show. (Raise your hand, olim, if THAT sounds familiar.) The conversation went something like this.

Lioz: “ ‘Please let us know where you will be location-wise on March 27^th.’ What eez thees? What does thees mean?”

Benji: “They just want to know where you will be on March 27^th so they can reach you. Your location.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘location-WISE’?”

Benji: “It just means location. (starting to laugh) I can’t explain it. It’s dumb.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘wise’? WHY DEH ‘WISE’? ”

Benji: (laughing hysterically now) “English is dumb. Forget the ‘wise.’

Ok, can we please settle this once and for all? As stated here, my fellow Americans, there is nothing correct about sticking “-wise” at the end of any word you want. Can we stop it?

This is a good resource, reference bookwise.

Bad English:
“Those treats were pretty good, candy applewise.”
“He’s a good basketball player, shooting guardwise.”
“It was naaaaaaaaaaaasty stuff, falafelwise.”

If you’re using “falafelwise” in a game of Scrabble, you’re cheating. (Did I beat this to death, dead horsewise? Ech omrim "dead horsewise"?) Maybe the English Ulpan idea isn't bad after all...

Happywise Purimwise, everybody! A holiday update coming soon…

Can We Get Roger Ebert on the Phone, Please?

Every morning, my day starts like clockwork. Alarm goes off, I stumble out of my room, and am greeted by the sight of my roommate eating breakfast at the kitchen table. This morning, the repetition of it all struck me. About 30 seconds after waking from slumber, I made the mistake of trying to explain the movie “Groundhog Day” to her in Hebrew. This is a rough translation.

“You know the movie about….ummm….there’s a holiday on February 2nd….about
this…ummm…this little animal that comes out of a hole in the ground…and if there
is sun, he sees his (grasping at straws to come up with word…no success)….and a
funny man named Bill Murray is in it…and every day, ummm...it’s the same day…

(silence)

You know this movie?”

Blank stare. I don’t know how to say “mental asylum” but she may or may not have called it when I was in the shower.

What a ridiculous way to begin a day. Ech omrim “can I have the last 60 seconds of my life back?”

Whoever knows the word for this thing,

where the hell were you at 7:15 this morning?

De What???

Just a couple of days ago, I wrote about my effort to buy Pant Steak from the store. That was just the most recent example of my attempt to read English words in Hebrew which all Americans know are the toughest ones to make out. Just a few days later, I ran into another problem when looking at my bank account online.

Second to last transaction...“Who in the hell is De Na-SHON Tar-PEEK?”

Anyone want to take a stab? Or you can give up and check my Facebook profile. I laughed out loud really hard when I figured it out.

And since I volunteered a prize which I now have to pay up, Silver Spring Alan, if you email me a topic about something silly in Israel, I will write about it. (Lame prize? I couldn’t think of anything else…what, you think I’m making mad cash off this site? (Ech omrim “mad cash”?))

Postscript: Ok, so after a little bit of thought, perhaps it's best to not have my company name show up on this blog. After all, b'Yisrael yesh Goo-gehl (written like it's pronounced...and yes, a few weeks ago, my roommate actually "corrected" my pronunciation.

Somewhere in the middle of a discussion...

Benji: "Google."
Roommate: "Goo-gehl"
Benji's brain: "Did that just happen?")

So Miss Worldwide, you were correct in your second comment which has since been deleted. The rest of you...if you can't figure it out, hey, welcome to Israel.

Where Do I Find an Ulpan for English?

Hello, my loyal readers. Sorry for the recent lack of posts. Life as an oleh chadash is busy as always and I’ve had a packed few weeks with stand-up shows and other things. A couple weeks back, I was asked to perform for at a conference for Techshoret, an organization of technical writers and communicators. Here’s a short clip (if you don’t find Microsoft Word jokes amusing, feel free to call us dorks and keep on reading.....yes, I was a technical writer back before I realized that this type of writing is far more rewarding).

What else can I tell you from my last couple of weeks? Just a couple of thoughts:

• I know this isn't news and, yes, I might be the last person to figure this out, but Machaneh Yehudah kicks the hoo-ha out of Shuk HaCarmel (ech omrim "hoo-ha"?) I was in Jerusalem last Shabbat and had a lovely walk thru the shuk (does the use of the word "lovely" automatically make me old or am I aging regardless of my vocabulary?) Ten minutes in the Tel Aviv shuk on a Friday makes me want to put my head through a window. (Ech omrim "put my head through a window"?)
• Now that winter seems to be officially over....wow, that was pretty brutal, Tel Aviv. I don't know how we did it. In the meantime...see you at the beach!!!
  

I think that's all for now. I've missed you guys!!! (Anybody still here?)

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Do you like impressions? Here is my impression of me examining various cleaning products at the store earlier this week.

“Panat…pantastayak…what the hell is Pant Steak?”

The first non-Israeli to correctly identify this word wins a prize.

(Thanks, Stacey, for the graphic.)

Inaugural What War Zone Caption Contest

I feel like this is notable so I'm posting it. Blogger now supports Hebrew and Arabic!




What do you have to say about that, my loyal readers? Best caption wins a prize.

"This is the Sound that Israelis Make When Trying to Get a Thought Out..."

Games are fun, my loyal readers. Rare is the occasion in adult life that we get to play them but when we do, it's always a fun time. As childhood turned into college, Chutes and Ladders and Monopoly gave way to good fun like Scattergories and Pictionary. My friend Sarit used to have people over for Shabbat dinner at the University of Texas and the evening often ended with us our trying to outbluff each other, courtesy of Balderdash.

"You seriously don't know what 'usufruct' means? Everybody knows it's the liquid that accumulates at the bottom of the wax paper after you eat a falafel."

So when I recently found myself at a dinner where the host whipped out Taboo, I was more than happy to play.

For those of you who don't know, Taboo is a game where you have to get your teammates to guess a word which you describe without being able to use other related words. For example, I'd have to get you to guess the words "Bar Refaeli" without using "Leo", "model", or "spoiled brat with no brain." Good times for all.

Can you describe this Israeli ad without using the words "tacky", "risque", and
"Jesus, who authorized this???"

Now, you may not have realized that Taboo in Israel is slightly different from the game which you might have played in the Diaspora. For example, in our game, someone drew the word "Europe." What words would you think might be taboo? Gee...I don't know... culture? Queen? Empire? Uh uh…how about “Shoah?” Somebody’s holding a grudge!

Really??? THAT'S one of the critical words without which we shouldn't be able to describe a major continent???

"Ok, this is a continent in the northern hemisphere.”
"North America?"
"No! It has many countries which speak various languages."
"Asia?"
"NO! Arrgh...it includes England! France! Spain! Poland!"
"I have no idea."
(BUUUUUUUUUUZZZZ!!!!!!)

"Dammit! If only I could have said Shoah! "
(pause)

"Oooooooh, Europe!"

Welcome to Israel.

I also find that this game impairs your ability to speak normally for 10 minutes immediately after completion. After I play, I’m stuck saying things like, “I’m really tired now…I need to go to…?” Sleep? YES!

On an unrelated but still funny note, you should play this game with Israelis if you want to set a world record for the most “Ehhhs” in a sixty-second period. I'm fairly certain someone in our game managed at least 28 billion. Hilarous.

Ok, this is what you're going to do to tell me what you think of this post...

Just for the Taste of It

So I like to make fun of my Israeli friends. It's fun. The way they put the "s" in the wrong place, like "its depend" or "what its mean"...the way they say "ehhhh..." all the time...


Especially the way they say "ehhhhh" all deh time.

As I was harassing my co-worker Moran recently, I finally asked her "why don't you ever make fun of me? Surely I say ridiculous things when trying to speak Hebrew! Why don't Israelis ever make fun of Americans?" (If anyone wants to know the answer, one, because we're more immature than them, and two...um, that's pretty much it.) After a little prodding, I finally got her to do her best American impression. It wasn't pretty-neither the accent or the social commentary.

"Omigaaaaaaaawd! I'm so ex-CIT-ed!!! Omigaaaaawd!

I want a Diet Coke!"

Nice to know the rest of the world thinks we're all idiots from the Valley. The truth hurts.

(I want a Diet Coke???)

How we see Israelis

How the world sees Americans

Later on that day, I was back in Moran's office trying to learn a little Hebrew. "What's the difference between 'heef-sah-deh-tee' and 'fees-fahs-ti'?" My co-worker Maya answers: "'Hifsadeti' is 'I lost' and 'fisfasti' is I missed.' You would say 'hifsadeti' et hamilchama."

I lost...the war? Way to use it in a sentence. Only in Israel.

It's Another Installment of Ulpan Adventures...ONLINE!!!

It’s Christmas in April, my loyal readers! More Ulpan adventures!

I and my fellow immigrant friends recently took a field trip down the hall to the computer lab to do some online Hebrew tutorials. Ayze kef!

• Why are classroom workstations always so outdated? I think mine was originally the WOPR in “War Games.” I wonder if this thing has some old video games on it. Ech omrim “Donkey Kong?”

“Greetings, Professor Falken!
Shall we play a game???”

• The teacher shows us how get to the tutorial through forty-five easy steps, beginning with Google. “Mishehu yodaya mah zeh Goo-gel?” Umm…yeah, I might have heard about it once.
  
• “Tikanes l’Goo-gel! Tikanes l’Een-tehr-net!” says the teacher. What makes you smile when you’re feeling down? Chocolate? A hug from a friend? Me? Gimme an Israeli speaking Hebrew-fied English any day of the week. (Bah-fah-lo weengs, anyone?)
  
• Google.com automatically redirects to its Hebrew version…HOW DOES IT KNOW??? There must be a tiny Israeli inside my computer. (My friend Neil makes this point: Can you believe the hottest company on the planet over the last several years is Google? It’s soared in value, dominated headlines, and is the first legitimate competitor to Microsoft’s monopoly in the tech world. A search engine??? It’s not like this is a pharmaceutical company saving millions of lives. I mean, what if this company disappeared? Would anything change? I’d just use Yahoo.com to look up my Milli Vanilli lyrics.)

Thanks to Google, I now know what these guys are saying.
“Girl, you know it’s true. Ooh, ooh, oooooh, I love you…”

• Teach walks us through the process, step by step. “Type ‘Pisgah Holon’ and cleeck deh third one." Five minutes later, she’s still walking around, helping people figure it out. What in the World Wide Web is taking so long? Do you people not have computers in your home countries? Ulpan teachers must feel like Harold Ramis in “Stripes” when he’s teaching the English-as-a-second-language class.
  
• This is one confuuuuuuuuuused class. Can we get some third-graders here on the double? My five year-old nephew can’t tie his shoes but can navigate his way to the games on The Cartoon Network’s website in seven seconds.
  
• My classmate types in her password and is confused when it comes up encrypted. “Ha’seesmah amurah lihyot nekoodot?” (Is the password supposed to be dots?) Nice job, Michael Dell. AM I ON CANDID CAMERA???
  
• “Ahhh…it’s a mouse!” I exclaim, pointing and feigning fright. It’s a shame that was wasted on a non-English speaker. (I don’t care what anyone says, I have no intention of giving that joke up.)
  
• “Ech omrim keyboard?” I ask my teacher. She cocks her head at me like dog who can’t figure out if the barking coming from the TV is real. You would have thought I just asked her to calculate pi to 400 decimal places.
  
• The teacher just accidentally pronounced it Go-gel. That was funny.

I’m in! Veeeeeeeeeery neat. I can now do all kinds of exercises from the confines of my own home. Learning Hebrew is fun! Surely Ben-Yehuda never envisioned this when he revived Hebrew 100 years ago. I wonder if he knows we’re using his computer.

More Ulpan adventures here!

Ulpan Adventures....They're Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With apologies to Fiona Apple, I've been a bad, bad boy. When life gets hectic, the first thing that suffers is Ulpan attendance. It's a horrible shame because as many of my Israeli friends tell me, learning Hebrew should be right at the top of my priority list (somewhere between showering and trying not to laugh when I answer the phone "AH-lo!") Once my job went full-time a few months back, I found that I couldn't attend four long mornings a week and work a full day afterwards. Then the frustration began.

I started a class in the evening but couldn't deal with the teacher. (I found her to be terrible. I missed my dear Dafna and how she talked to me like I was seven.) Then I tried a class in Holon where my Year Course kids live but there were time issues there as well. Last week, I began a class in the Bat Yam Ulpan, a five minute bus ride from my office. Let's hope the game of "musical Ulpanim" has come to an end because I'm not willing to study in Dimona, even if I might learn how to say things like "fallout" and "blast zone."

Umm...this picture isn't in Israel.
Israel doesn't even have nuclear weapons. No, seriously!

Anyway, I know Israel is funny. You know Israel is funny. And nowhere is its hilarity on display more than in a Hebrew class with immigrants from foreign countries (and really, what other kind of immigrants are there?)

So without further ado...it's been too long...LET'S GET IT STARTED!

• Each language has apparently added its own personal flavor to modern Hebrew, says my new teacher. The suffix "nik" or "ist" comes from Russian. Kibbutznik, stand-upist... The slang comes from Arabic. Walla (wow)! Every dirty word that I won't write here because my mother is reading. And English? The suffix "er" like "protectsioner (connected person) " or "mafioner." Good to see that my people are responsible for the language of organized crime.
  
• Does it bother anyone else that there isn't a word for...well..."that" in Hebrew? How the hell do you compare things in this country? What do you prefer, "zeh" or "zeh"? Well, I think the answer is pretty clear.
• During our Tu B'Shvat lesson, the teacher talks about Israel's constant water shortage and how the Kinneret is always in "mee-nus, just like our bank accounts." Hey, teach! Way to encourage us immigrants to build a life here! Better not close my Citibank account anytime soon. (By the way, this was also the lesson where I learned the word "photosyntheza.") Keeping with the nature theme, we learn how to say different insects like "jukim (cockroaches)". Someone just started singing "la cucaracha", much to the delight of the weird Peruvian chick in the back.
• Have you ever attended a Tu B'Shvat Seder? I've never seen half these fruits in the States! I swear to G-d, I think they just put stuff out to fool the Americans. ("Hey, Shmulik! See that old sponge I put on the tray? Fred and Tanya are EATING it!")
• The South American is now teaching the Russian Spanish. That's arguably the funniest thing I've seen since "The Karate Kid" was on Telemundo.

"Daniel-san! Yo quiero Taco Bell!"

• Some Russian woman just walked in with a fanny pack (ech omrim "fanny pack? Fenny peck?) That has GOT to be the official sign of middle age. When you see me walking down the street with a fanny pack wrapped around my waist, feel free to invite my loved ones over for an intervatsia.
• Upon learning the word "tarnegolet (rooster)", the class erupts into a passionate argument about whether or not there is such a thing as a female rooster, proceeding to re-enact this classic scene in Hebrew.
  
  

  Who's having sex with the tarnegol?
  

More Ulpan adventures coming soon!

The Mother of All "Yiyeh B'seders"

As I detailed a few months ago, one of the national slogans here is "Yiyeh B'seder (it will be ok)". There's no situation yiyeh b'seder can't handle. It's the Clorox bleach of phrases.

"Fido crapped the floor? No problem!"
Get it?

I recently witnessed the mother of all yiyeh b'seders when talking with my roommate. It unfolded like this.

Benji: "I read in the paper that the Arabs are preparing for war."
Roommate: "Ahhhh, dat's bullsheet."
B: "You think so? What about all the rhetoric from Iran?"
R: "Dey have been saying dat for years."
B: "And now they're building a bomb!"
R: "So what?"
B: "So then they nuke us! Kablooey!"
R: "So they nuke us! Yiyeh b'seder!"

And there it was. I felt like I just watched Wilt Chamberlain score 100 points in a game. I'll be telling my grandkids about that performance some day.

Other fun yiyeh b'seder references (maybe this should have its own label):
Yiyeh B'seder at Ulpan!
Yiyeh B'seder Cleaning the Floor!
Yiyeh B'seder at the Bank!

"Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on.....ehhhhh......"

I recently talked to my friend Noga who's been following my adventures. I was interested but not surprised by her impressions of my writing. She was a tad irked (ech omrim "irk"?), not as much by what was on this site as much as what was NOT. "If I didn't know you, I would wonder if you were enjoying yourself in Israel. You make fun of things a lot but you don't always talk about what's great." The thought had in fact crossed my mind before; street cons, the toilet paper lady, and cold showers. Maybe she has a point. Those who know me are well-aware that I'm not cynical about life here (apparently unlike every Israeli, according to their opinions of themselves). It's just more fun to make fun of the ridiculous stuff in life.

"But why did you make fun of the toilet paper lady?" asked Noga. "It's not just in Israel-they do that in Europe!"

"Yeah, but I'm not IN Europe."

Nevertheless, the following is dedicated to Noga to let her know that I do think there's plenty of great stuff in this country. With apologies to Julie Andrews and the typical Yom Ha'atzmaut-ish "Top ___ Things about Israel", these are a few of my favorite things...

• I love that the women are not only hotter than Mitzpe Ramon in July but that they also have a Passover Seder. (Much like the fourth dimension, my human brain is incapable of processing this.)

What? It's been four weeks since a Bar Rafaeli reference???
(For steamier pictures, click here.)

• I love the outdoor cafes/kiosks on Rothschild and that Israelis universally agree that Starbucks (the altar to which American consumers bow their heads and pray) stinks.
• I love that the Ulpan teachers talk to you like you're four and that immigrants from all over the world come together to speak the same language.
• I love that falafel is a healthy snack (OK, maybe I just love choosing to believe the American myth while I scarf it down forty-seven times a week.)
• I love that people I know from all over the place are always visiting this place, the center of the Jewish world (no, it's not the Upper West Side.)
• I love that I can tell a joke about Rosh Hashana at a comedy club here and know that it will be understood by everyone in the audience.

"Kippur? I hardly know her!" (Settle down, that's not a real line.)

• I love wearing jeans to virtually any social event.
• I love the kumkum and the utter shock on every Israeli's face when they ask "but how do you make coffee in America???" in the same manner that teenagers ask how we survived before cell phones. (Since it takes an hour for my dud to heat up during the winter, I plan to shower in the kumkum until March.)

George Jetson, meet the "kumkum"

• I love that it's 12:48 AM, tomorrow is a work day, and Cafe Aroma is still hopping. HOW DO THESE ISRAELI PEOPLE DO IT??? (This warrants its own post.)
• I love cab drivers and how they're genuinely interested in what I'm doing here (and not because I have to tip them.) Sabras/tzabarim say this will wear off. I say we'll see.
• I love expanding my already unrivaled vocabulary of ridiculous Hebrew and Arabic slang and that Israelis think I'm fluent because I can say I have to go the bathroom 47 different ways.
• I love arsim (from afar. When they're leaving me alone.)
• I love Friday in Tel Aviv.
• I love English words which are directly absorbed into the Hebrew language. "Slicha, yesh li peepee!"
• I love how warm and proud of each new immigrant the former olim are and how so many treated me to an "aliyah beer" or dinner. I'm excited to pass it on to the next generation. Shoshana K., I'm waiting for you.
• I love how cheesy American pop music is welcomed with open arms here. For this reason, someone hypothetically can sit in the barber's chair, get a proverbial spring in his step when "Backstreet's Back" comes on, look around, and realize that nobody finds it the least bit weird that said song is being played. This is all hypothetical of course. It never happened.
• I love that I went to World AIDS Day and had my AIDS awareness raised by two macho sperm kicking a soccer ball. (Ok, Noga, I'm back to making fun of this country now.)

This is just a short list. So, my loyal readers, I ask you: what do you love about this place?

"Shalooooooom, Newman"

Nothing better than a Seinfeld marathon, broadcast on Shabbat.

The funniest show ever...made even more Jewish.