I Think They Just Opened the Dictionary and Threw Darts at Words

I can't believe this type of thing isn't allowed. Must be a security thing.

See IsraeliByDay.com for more horrendous signs...

"Eets a Small World Eeeeeeh.....fter All..."

Holy hafuch, Batman....I don't know how long I can keep up these 11:30 PM posts...at least not after I get home from work at 9:30 PM. With 24 minutes left in Israel, I need to put this April posting record out of reach. I feel like Barry Bonds in 2001 (minus the steroids).

So all my Jewish readers (most of you) have probably figured out that the Jewish world is ridiculously small. When you're Jewish, it's small. When you grew up in a youth group or summer camp, it's really small. When you also lived in NY, it's even smaller. When you also moved to Israel, it gets even smaller. And when you do all of these things AND work in the Jewish community...good Lord, I think I'm 2 Facebook degrees removed from Bar Kochba. (Not to brag but he poked me.)

Here are only the most recent example of how small my world is. In less than 24 hours:
1) The guy I'm replacing hands me the phone the other day. It's Amy, a woman who currently works for Young Judaea who came aboard after I left (we met last year). Turns out that this guy helped arrange for her to do Year Course program promotions to his teen groups. I'll now be arranging this.

2) Hitching a ride with my friend Shara from Tel Aviv on road 443, I call my department director Meir to let him know I'm running late. He asks where I am. I tell him. He says "get out of the car, I'll pick you up." About 2 minutes later, I'm in his car.

3) Fast forward half an hour-I make my way to the mini-kitchen (because G-d forbid anyone starts their morning in this country without first injecting a cannister of Maxwell House into their veins. I know we don't have a Constitution in Israel but if we did, wouldn't it protect the right to drink coffee from 9-10 AM?) Who's making coffee? My dear friend Emil, former co-worker from YJ, who stopped by to do whatever shlichim do at the Chavaya Yisraelit (I think they just come by to learn new Hebrew slang that they've missed out on and drink coffee.)

How come every time I drink coffee,
I feel like I'm watching a commercial from 1987?

4) Replaced dude hands me the phone again to speak with someone else who he works with. It's my adopted kibbutz mother from 15 years ago, Leah. Seems that I'll be doing something with her too. When she stopped by the office today, she brought me a box of dates. Why are people so nice in this country? SERIOUSLY???

5 and 6) New co-worker who drove me in today dated a girl I met in the job I just quit....guy who drive me home has a cousin who just started at the place I just quit.

I haven't collected any empirical data yet but I have a theory that there are actually only seven Jews in the world. I'll get back to you on that.

28 posts this month with 2 minutes to spare.

Just because...

More Obsession With English

People are seriously obsessed with English in this country. Need I link to the t-shirts again? In the middle of speaking in Hebrew, someone will just - without warning - say one phrase or part of a sentence in English. I cannot figure out why, which phrases they choose to translate, and at what point their brain says, "Hey, I'm gonna say this in another language!" I witnessed this at least 10 times today.

Sorry that this will be in transliteration but kacha zeh...

"Nimas li mi'zeh! Nimas li mi'zeh! Im hu mamsheech la'asot et zeh...? Den heet deh road Jeck!"

Umm...did you just spend the weekend in Motown or something?

Even the Animals Speak Hebrew

This past weekend, I went up north to visit my friend Michael. That's Mi-kha-el (as in "who is like G-d", Hebrew), not Michael (as in Jackson, freak of nature.) Saturday morning, while I'm sitting at the table with his two kids, he starts to give me a tour of the breakfast cereals: there's Cheerios, some whole-wheat concoction, and Shalva, which apparently is a classic, old-school cereal which is cheap and has been around since the days of King David.


When looking at the Shalva bag, I see that it has "peh gadol" written on it. Michael explains that while, yes, it does mean "big mouth", it's also what parents say to little kids before they shove food down their throats. What's the English equivalent? "Open wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...."?


So I start playing with the 1.5 year old, saying "peeeeeeeeeeeeh gadooooooooool!" before feeding myself. He repeats. Then I say "peh gadol v'ozen gadol!" (big mouth and big ear), as I hold my left ear out with one hand and shovel the cereal into my mouth with the other. He repeats. Ahhh....seems that we have a game of follow the leader!


"Peh gadol v'einayim g'doloooot! (big mouth and big eyes)
"Peh gadol v'oseh kmo chatuuuuuuul!" (....and does like a cat: "meow meow!")
"Pet gadol v'oseh kmo keleeeeeeeeeeev!" (....and does like a dog: "ruff ruff!")


(pause)


1.5 Year Kid: "Mah zeh 'ruff ruff' ?"

Who the hell ever heard a sheep say "meh meh?"

CLEARLY they're saying "bah". When they talk. To me. Often.

Mah zeh "ruff ruff"....THAT was funny.

Anybody want to explain the Hebrew animal language? Ayn li koach.

The bird says "tseef tseef!"

The rooster says "kookooreekoo!"

The ars says "AHLO AHLO!"

And, yes, this means that the 1.5 year old speaks better than I do.

BREAKING NEWS: Red Hot Chili Peppers Spotted in Bat Yam!

How else to explain this story?

A 27-year-old man, claiming to be a yeshiva student, decided to launch an unusual protest against a court ruling allowing stores and restaurants to sell leavened food during the holiday of Passover. The man, dressed as a haredi, arrived Monday afternoon at a store belonging to the non-kosher Tiv Taam supermarket chain in the city of Bat Yam, just south of Tel Aviv. Upon his arrival, he undressed and remained with only a sock covering his private parts.

I assume they mean he was dressed as a haredi before dropping trou, right? The next time I see tube socks in Mea Shearim will be the first. (Ech omrim "dropping trou"?)

The man explained that he could not be prosecuted for an indecent act in
public, because according to the court's interpretation of the leavened food law, a supermarket is not considered a public place. He even wrote on his stomach, "This isn't public???"

Well, it is now, buddy. Thanks for sharing. Does Tiv Ta'am sell vomit bags?

From my friend Mort: I wonder if it was a white tube sock, or if it was one of those fancy cris-crossed argyles that the haredim usually wear. Too bad there weren't any pictures.

No, I take that back. Thank G-d there weren't any pictures.

When my parents checked me into my dorm room the first day of college, there were already beer cans all over the table and this poster up on the wall. Can you say "uncomfortable"?

According to crazy dude, "I left the sock on because I'm religious." That's it-I know what I'm wearing to shul next Yom Kippur as I streak across the mechitzah. WHO'S WITH ME???

(Thanks, Mort and Tony.)

Can I Buy a Vowel?

Shalom, my loyal readers-I hope you all had a wonderful chag. We recently talked about Israeli reality TV but at the end of the day, this country (and much of the world) is still obsessed with American pop culture. Just last week, Channel 10 covered the recent microphone snafu on "American Idol" with Brad Pitt which presumably many of you TV-watching Americans know about.

Well, at least I think they were talking about "American Idol". They may have been talking about a bake sale.

I thought we made it pretty clear here. How in G-d's name did this unfold?

Channel 10 Production Director: "Ya'alah, we go live in ten seconds!"
Screen Editor: "Rega! We have many typos and look like idiots!"
Channel 10 Production Director: "Yiyeh b'seder! Who caaaaaaaaares!?!?!?!"

Is this the news or "Wheel of Fortune"? You decide.

Hat tip to Frgdr.com.

That's Funny....I Could Have Sworn It Was PASSOVER.

Hello, Ynet readers, and welcome to the War Zone! Put on your flak jacket and let's have some fun.

Just a few quick photos before I (and the 35 pounds I just put on) hit the sack....

Is there anything more amazing than a country where the world's most famous soft drink wishes you a chag sameach?


Let's take a closer look, shall we?


Just beautiful. That's life in the Jewish state, people. Where capitalism meets religion.

Did I say Jewish state? Then what in G-D'S NAME IS THIS???

Keep looking....keep looking...see it? SEE IT??? That would be a woman with a FREAKING SANTA CLAUS HAT AT THE SEDER TABLE. Way to instill Jewish identity in the next generation, lady.

To those of you in Israel, be sure to make it to Jerusalem's Comedy Basement this Monday night. See you there!

When: April 21 at 7 PM and 11 PM

Headlining: Benji Lovitt

Featuring: Yossi Tarablus, Tal Solomon
MC: Hani Skutch

Location: Off The Wall Comedy Basement - Ben Yehuda 34 (corner of King George- down the stairs, near the Mashbir)

Cover: 40 shekels (35 shekels for students, soldiers, seniors) + 15 shekel drink minimum purchase

Reservations: 02-624-3218

Las Vegas Has Set the Over/Under of Disturbing Things in This Story at 7.5

My anonymous field reporter "Melissa" is back with more news from the shetach (field) of Tel Aviv. This phenomenon CLEARLY deserves another post. (What aspiring What War Zone intern is brave enough to take a picture of one of these guys? Come on, college kids, you think you're gonna have a more meaningful resume-padding experience in an office???)

I was walking on the tayelet (boardwalk) with a friend yesterday, when i saw the perfect picture for you (alas, i didn't have a camera, or a photographic memory). An old man had clearly just gotten out of the sea and was standing IN HIS WET TIGHTY WHITIES, butt facing us, and on the tush was written some phrase in english with a picture of a monkey with a banana. I think it said something like "you are invited" or "the party starts here" or something to that effect. I can't remember...oy! but it was classic.

then we continue walking and i see this older, HAIRY HAIRY HAIRY man laying on some rocks with JUST tightie whities in such a "model laying on the beach showing off her bikini" pose. And these weren't big tighty whities, they were little.
it was NASTY.

thought i'd share.

Chag sameach, everybody!

Eat your heart out, Chof Gordon.

"Two Egg Ro-olls and an Order of Chi-icken Fried Ri-ice"

We've aaaaaaaaall seen it. The menus with the typos. The weird-ass t-shirts. For the love of G-d, I think there's a typo in my company's freaking NAME! (As explained in the link, I'm not going to write it out here but shouldn't there be an 's in it?)


Fine, we're not in America. I get it. But if you were going to open a restaurant in China...wouldn't you want to have a Chinese person proofread your menu first???


Benji If I Were A Bad Businessman: "Hey, Mr. Wu! Today's opening day! I can't wait to serve our first sweet and sour chicken!"
Mr. Wu: "I mahst tell you, Meester. Lahv-eett! You use way too menny 's in the menu! You weel offend our pee-pehl!"


BIIWABB: "Who caaaaaaaaaaaares!?!? WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

If any Israelis are considering doing anything in English and would like proofreading and editing for reasonable prices, please contact me. And by "reasonable", I mean "it might be free unless I decide otherwise."


Anyway....check out this recent advertisement sent to me by the very funny Esther Kustanowitz who has articles and writing in more places than I can link to.


Huh??? They put the "class" in "business?" WHERE DID THEY PUT IT??? Ech omrim "you're missing a word there, achi"?


Hey, Israir, here's a slogan for you. "We put the D+ in Marketing."


Now...I've never flown them and will assume they're a nice airline. I don't want to sound like a jerk but I'm not a huge fan of the name. "Israir". It's pronounced "Isra-air." Shouldn't there be another "A"? Was Israel Air taken? I just think the name "Isra-air" is kind of stupi-id. But I wish them the be-est, really I do.

The Shawarma-nator

And now…a look at life in Israel.

(2 minutes before this exchange, a co-worker I barely know invited me to his Seder. Good Lord, Israelis are the most hospitable people in the universe.)

Benji: Why are Israelis so nice? You can’t go to miluim (army reserves), we need KILLERS!
Co-worker: I become a kee-lehr, you have to make deh sweetch.
Benji: How do you do it?
Co-worker: You hev to do eet…you heve to be dee-fehr-ent on deh battlefield.
Benji: What about “Uri”, he can’t be a killer. (pointing to other really nice co-worker).
Co-worker: Uri, tell heem how we make deh sweetch.
Uri: (doesn’t even turn his head from computer, without flinching) No mohr Meester nice guy.

I’m sorry, I don’t care what your politics are, that’s funny. I swear that was from a Schwarzenegger movie.

"I'll be back...with a falafel."

Here’s another short exchange from last week when I was out with a couple of co-workers past midnight.

Benji: I will never believe how little sleep I have gotten since moving here! I would neeeeeeeeeeeever be out this late on a weeknight in America!
Lady: Israelis know how to hev fahn, you know!
Benji: It’s crazy! We have to wake up in the morning!
Lady: In Israel, you have fun tonight because tomorrow you can die.

This honesty moment has been brought to you by the number “taysha.”

Methinks the New Israeli Apple Store Isn't Going to Sell This One

We laughed at their ridiculous t-shirts here...

We cried at their offensive shirts here...

I don't even know what to say about this one...

Never a boring day on the #18 bus.

The funny thing is that only two days earlier, my new friend Michal B. told me about this exact shirt. (Ok, the funny thing is that somebody would actually wear this in public.)

My loyal readers, if you see people wearing ridiculous English t-shirts, please send them my way. The pictures, not the people. Unless they want to help pay my arnona.

New Column Out

My monthly column in the Atlanta Jewish Times's monthly supplement is out. Although I only put pen to paper a few weeks ago, it's safe to say this column has been running around my head for the better part of 15 years.

This month's theme is "Fashion and Beauty". It's a good one...

For hilarious email or RSS updates, take care of business over to the right. (Yes, that's a technical term. And what's not hilarious about RSS? I don't even know what I'm talking about...)

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Beth Israel

So everybody knows that American movies are translated into funny or just weird names in Hebrew (and to be fair, other languages as well, although I’ll leave it up to Chien-Ming to make fun of his people on his Chinese immigration blog.) I referenced this phenomenon in this recent post and nowhere is it explained better than in this article which gives tons of examples.

“The Naked Gun” becomes “The Gun Died Laughing”
“George of the Jungle”… “The Jungle Died Laughing”
“BASEketball”…any guesses? You guessed it…“Falafel Man, Put Away Your Chest Hair”

Just making sure you're paying attention. But who is doing all this laughing?

"Hey, Dudu, this is lost in translation.
NO, I MEAN YOUR TRANSLATION IS LOST IN TRANSLATION!"

Look, how are you supposed to translate slang like “Knocked Up” into another language? Translators don’t have it easy and that’s where I come along. Starting now, I will be translating movie titles on this blog on a volunteer basis so they can be more easily understood by an Israeli audience. If you have any of your own, email them to me and I’ll post my favorites under the new category “Israeli Movie Titles”. Here are a few to get the party started, including the one from the aforementioned post.

• A lawyer is unable to tell a lie, causing him to be brutally honest with everyone around him. In America, this movie is called “Liar Liar”. In Israel, “Tuesday”.
  
• A look into racism, car accidents, and anger on the roads. In America, “Crash”. In Israel, “The Ayalon Freeway”.
  
• Chaos reigns supreme as beachgoers are terrorized and fear for their safety. In America, “Jaws.” In Israel, “Arsim.”
  
• A middle-aged man tries desperately to find love for the first time. In America, “The 40 Year Old Virgin”. In Israel, “One Ugly Chassid.”
  
• And just in case anyone thinks the previous title was anti-religious... A man eats nothing but fast-food for 30 days. In America, "Supersize Me." In Israel, "American Tourist." (Just so it's clear that I don't mean every chassid nor every American. Ok, I mean every American. At least the teenage ones.)

"Mah zeh two thahmbs up???
MAH ZEH??????"

Email me your movie titles and see you at the theater!

Reason #485 Why You Should Go to Ulpan

Any olim chadashim reading? Like really chadashim? Here’s a tip from Uncle Benji: go to Ulpan. A lot. Like nine times a day. If I could do this whole thing again, I’d take my first 6 months off and do an Ulpan full-time. Of course (all together now): If my aunt had…uh…

Ok, if the guy in the kipah and the extremely tacky t-shirt had a sheidel, he’d be an awkward religious woman.

Ok, what is with the t-shirts in this country?
Seriously. No, SERIOUSLY.

My Hebrew ain’t bad but Naughty by Nature won’t be singing “Feel Me Flow” about it anytime soon. (Hi-do you know me? My name is “worst attempt in history to sound cool.” So nice to meet you.) Just a few days ago, I stopped in Roladin, the bakery chain with a location near where I work. I size up the burekasim and tell the woman behind the counter “shtay tapuach adama, shtay tiras.” (Two potato, two corn) Although only .00323 seconds elapsed before realizing the error of my ways and yelling “tered! tered!” (spinach! spinach!), the damage had been done. I may as well have continued ordering in Martian (do they have an Ulpan for learning that language?)

When I went back today and ordered the same thing, correctly of course, she remembered me and couldn’t hide her smile. I said, “you come to America so I can laugh at you!” to which she answered, "I ehm lahf-eeng weeth you, noht aht you." Right. And Hamas is shooting with Sderot, not at it.

They better not be telling this story at the Roladin company Christmas party. I’m definitely going back in disguise next time.

How I'll be dressed for Roladin next time, or...
Just a typical day on Sderot Rothschild.
(Why does Spiderman need a uni-cycle?)

Well, I guess corn is pretty outrageous to add to foods. It’s not like people here eat corn on pizza or anything.

Oh yeah…YES THEY DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cue the scary “Psycho” music.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

When Prigat Just Won't Do

Can I be a simple American for a second?

B’kitzur, an Israeli friend of mine here needed help translating a list of foods given to her for her new diet. She looked at the list confused, looked at me, and asked “Mah zeh V-Shmoneh?”

I spent the next five minutes laughing.

Coming soon in falafel flavor.

Either it's funny to you or it's not. Maybe in 10 years, I won't laugh. Then again, it only took me a few months to get over the funny sound of MP-shalosh.

Thank G-d It's Thursday

Ok, so it's Friday. But yesterday was Thursday. And in this country, that's the last day of the work week. Has anyone made the "TGIT" t-shirts yet? I call dibs.

Today is Friday which in this country means shopping day. Or coffee day. Or "get as much done as humanly possible because tomorrow, you ain't doin' squat" day (aside from sitting on the beach...ha ha, Jerusalemites.) I should seriously do some shopping, as I still have my Pesach gift certificates from a year ago that I should probably use at some point. What brave soul wants to take me shopping?

Sheinkin Street's shopping district. This country makes me laugh.

I should probably start at Castro, whose clothing seems to be ubiquitous. I could be wrong about this but as a citizen, you are legally obligated to have at least one shirt with the red label hanging off your body attracting attention. I'm tempted to hold out to see if they take away my teudat zahut (identity card) at the end of my first three years.

One place I will not be going is one of my least favorite stores: Fox Baby, the cousin of its American counterpart, Baby Gap. I'm sorry but I hate one year-olds who dress nicer than I do. That's humiliating.

Clerk: "Awww, is the wittle baby crying because he needs a new diaper?"
Parent: "No, he's pissed off because his Dora bib doesn't match his sweater vest."

Why is this kid laughing?
Because his Hebrew is better than mine. Punk.

Ok, it's 9:30 AM, I'm still in bed, and we just lost an hour (did you change your clocks?) Coffee time. Mmm....coffee.

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcast to Make Fun of Americans

Lioz Shem-Tov is an Israeli comedian who recently was invited to audition for the next season of “Last Comic Standing.” Apparently the show, in an effort to become more interesting, has decided to open their doors to a few international performers. Lioz flew to Miami and was invited to come back for the next round in Vegas. A free trip to Vegas would be exciting for anyone but for someone living outside of the States, it’s even a bigger deal. (I want to use the word “chul” here but I know it’s not correct. Is there a word for “American chul”?)

Last night, Lioz calls me with help understanding a letter he got from someone at the show. (Raise your hand, olim, if THAT sounds familiar.) The conversation went something like this.

Lioz: “ ‘Please let us know where you will be location-wise on March 27^th.’ What eez thees? What does thees mean?”

Benji: “They just want to know where you will be on March 27^th so they can reach you. Your location.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘location-WISE’?”

Benji: “It just means location. (starting to laugh) I can’t explain it. It’s dumb.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘wise’? WHY DEH ‘WISE’? ”

Benji: (laughing hysterically now) “English is dumb. Forget the ‘wise.’

Ok, can we please settle this once and for all? As stated here, my fellow Americans, there is nothing correct about sticking “-wise” at the end of any word you want. Can we stop it?

This is a good resource, reference bookwise.

Bad English:
“Those treats were pretty good, candy applewise.”
“He’s a good basketball player, shooting guardwise.”
“It was naaaaaaaaaaaasty stuff, falafelwise.”

If you’re using “falafelwise” in a game of Scrabble, you’re cheating. (Did I beat this to death, dead horsewise? Ech omrim "dead horsewise"?) Maybe the English Ulpan idea isn't bad after all...

Happywise Purimwise, everybody! A holiday update coming soon…

Idiot's Guide to Israeli Weddings, Part Shtayim

Guess where I went last night? A wedding! Good times had by all…mazal tov, Mark and Hadar!

As an addendum to last week’s Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings, here are a couple more observations I forgot to include. Read that first if you haven’t already…

--Upon entering the wedding hall, you may see TV screens mounted on the walls around the room. Whereas in America, you might expect them to display a video montage of baby pictures of the couple, here they show some random morphing color show that looks like the thing in Windows Media Player. I know Israelis aren’t big Mac users but I can’t help but feel that I’m missing something here.

Welcome to our happy event!

--Israeli weddings are much bigger than your typical American or Jewish American wedding. In the words of someone last night, “everybody is invited.” As far as I can tell, the invitation process works like this: from a height of 40,000 feet, a blimp drops several thousand invitations over population centers of the country. Whoever picks one up, and…proceeds to then invite everyone in the phone book.

--Israeli men are more fun than American men on dance floors. In America, this territory belongs to the women. Men may or may not dance and usually do so in a fairly non-descript fashion with female dance partners. Remember Bar-Mitzvah parties? Women were the brave ones who formed the circle in the middle while the boys were off somewhere being doofuses (I’m not sure the doofus behavior is connected to our age.)

Last night, once the house/techno/trance (Can someone please tell me what that stuff is called? I only know that I wake up each morning and thank my creator that it’s not on my ipod) came on, the men went nuts, dancing and jumping together on the floor, arms flailing furiously as they laughed, sweated, and had a wild time. We could probably learn something from them. (While we’re at it, I’d also love to learn from them how to maintain that perfect level of four-day scruff. How does it always stay that length? Amazing.)

--There is absolutely zero correlation between appearance and job in this country. In America, someone might look at a hottie patottie and say about a profession, “that job’s beneath her.” Here? Not a chance. I don’t think this says anything about attitudes, just the preponderance of attractive people here. I’m not saying the staff of servers last night were hotter than the Negev in July, but…ok, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

(Stay tuned for next month’s article about Israeli fashion and beauty in the Atlanta Jewish Times’s supplement. Should be a good one.)

What if this woman came to fix your plumbing?

Some guy just threw an entire roll of Charmin down the toilet.

--And two more things about fashion: if I am lying, let G-d strike down every falafel place I’ve ever eaten. Some guy last night had a white shirt with a dragon on the back. Ok, it’s time…I HAVE GOT TO BUY A NEW CAMERA.

Secondly, after getting dressed for the event and walking out of my room, my roommate, a female, starts to critique my outfit of choice. I had on a solid, blue, long-sleeved dress shirt, jeans, and Pumas. Because I won’t let myself speak English with her, I’m not exactly sure why this shirt was not appropriate, or the Pumas, one of my few articles of clothing which apparently are cool. (I half expect one of my friends from New York to break the news that Pumas are now the most dorky thing in the world and what am I thinking owning them? If this happens, I am moving to an island in the South Pacific and wearing nothing but grass skirts.)

9:21 AM “Omig-d, Trevor, those are soooooooooooo cooooool!”
9:22 AM “What are you WEARING??? GROSS!!!!!!!!!!”

I hate fashion.

So, since, of the two of us, she is in fact the native of this country, I changed my clothes after spirited debate and put on something more Israeli (the color black). Upon my arrival to the wedding, I made note of something which I would call the 614th commandment:

Thou shalt not worry about possibly being under- or inappropriately dressed at an Israeli wedding.

Seriously? I really thought I might offend someone? With all the sneakers and designer t-shirts…not a chance anyone was gonna notice me.

Bottom line: everyone had a good time and that’s what’s important.

I think this wraps up this somewhat exhaustive guide. At least till the next wedding.

Did I miss anything?

Ten Bucks Says the Ethicist Has Never Boarded an Egged Bus

And now! Another Israel-based question for the Ethicist!

I participated in a triathlon in which drafting, riding close behind another
bicycle to gain an aerodynamic advantage, was prohibited. While riding alone, I
was overtaken by a large group of cyclists riding together. I had two choices:
slow down and let them pass me, obeying the rules but losing significant time,
or ride with them and break the rules. I chose the latter, and none of us were
disqualified. Was this the right decision? — JOSHUA KULP, MODIIN, ISRAEL

The Ethicist: It was not. Other people’s cheating does not justify your own. Nor were you limited to the alternatives you describe. A triathlete I consulted, Tim Donahue, suggests that you should have shouted: “Guys, watch the drafting. You know the rules.” If rule-breaking riders ignore your warning, he says, report them to race officials and “make a special point to waste them on the run.”

The Israeli Ethicist: What are you, freier??? (optional ars-y open-palm wrist twist in Holon/Bat Yam) Nu, be’emet! Evree-body draft in race! If you do not, you getting screwed. You mahst screw deh government! You know how much money they take each month for tax and arnona???

Hypothetical Devil’s Advocate: But isn’t that cheating?

Israeli Ethicist: Fahk* cheating! (both hands raised in air for emphasis)

Hey, Ethicist, have you read this? Welcome to the Middle East!

Lastly, how many olim have taught their Israeli roommates about the 90% arnona discount only to have their roommates casually suggest (read: DEMAND) that they get the discount for the entire apartment? The "suggestion" generally takes place roughly .0023 seconds after the conversation begins.

*Editor’s note: Please note that “fahk” in Israel is not profanity. See also “bool sheet”

More letters to the Ethicist from Israel:
http://www.whatwarzone.com/2007/12/eat-your-heart-out-rays-pizza.html
http://www.whatwarzone.com/2007/04/take-two-of-these-and-call-me-in.html

An Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings

Well, my loyal readers, the weather’s heating up. You know what that means: that’s right…love is in the air. Wedding season is upon us so you best be prepared for it, Israeli-style. I had the privilege of attending a couple of weddings recently which gave me an up-close-and-personal look at matrimony, Middle East-style.

Now…Israeli weddings are somewhat different from in America so you’ll want to know what to expect beforehand. Buckle your selt belts, here we go. (This does not apply to religious weddings which I have yet to experience here.)

Attire:
Dress in this country is casual and weddings are no exception. I can’t even tell you the last time I wore a tie since moving here, if it’s even happened once. This makes for an interesting learning experience at your first wedding.

“Hey, who let the homeless guy in??? (pause) Oh, that’s the groom??? How’s he gonna break the glass wearing Crocs?”

Ok, so maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Although for some reason, it is virtually impossible to find a plain white dress shirt in this country. Apparently clothing manufacturers receive government incentives to print their white shirts with a dragon on the back. Future immigrants, bring dress clothes with you. Forget the ties.

I know you're not sold on it but wait till you see it with the cumberbund.

Gifts:
You've seen "The Apprentice"? Money money money moooooney! MONEY!

Gift shopping is definitely easier in Israel. “Ehhhhhhh…mah zeh Crate and Bah-rehl???” There’s no registry, people…it’s all about the Benjamins, baby. Or the Yitzchak Ben-Zvis. That’s right, cash money.

Guests are greeted upon arrival by a box in which to drop your cash gift, in an envelope of course. (So are you supposed to put a card in there too? At my last wedding, I just wrote my short message ON the envelope. Weird, I know…but isn’t the drop box/cash thing weird anyway?) Someone told me that the happy couple uses this money to pay for the wedding and you’re basically paying for your meal. There’s a joke here somewhere. Commenters?

Voting for Knesset or leaving his gift? I guess we'll never know...
(Hey, as long as you're here, care to officiate?)

By the way, the guy on the 100 shekel bill is Yitzchak Ben-Zvi, the President from 1952 to 1963. He’s wearing a tie. Looking sharp, Yitz! It might be time to change those glasses though.

Chupah:
In America, often the bride invites her hometown rabbi who then recounts his history with the happy couple: “When I first met Sarah in the junior congregation, I knew she was going to be a wonderful Jewish woman.” In Israel, the couple may or may not choose the rabbi by opening the phone book to the letter “resh” and throwing darts. When the two families join the bearded man under the chupah, the guests then join together and sing “one of these things is not like the other”.

Then the ceremony begins. The goal of the invited guests is to talk as much as humanly possible and pretend that a wedding is not happening. Bonus points are awarded for answering a cell phone.

Immediately afterwards, mass congratulation ensues. I wasn’t used to that. At my first wedding, somebody came up to me and said "mazal toooooov!"

(Confused look) "What did I do? Well, I did eat 12 egg rolls in 5 minutes. I just didn't think anybody noticed."

Reception:
Israeli weddings: where Bryan Adams songs go to die. Yup, heard it twice recently.

"Baby, you're all that I want...when I'm lyin' here in your arms...
I'm finding it hard to believe...we're in Hevron."

Performing at Madison Square Garden…or at Shlomit’s wedding.

After the traditional couple slow dances, the party begins with the DJ playing one of the following songs:

1) “Put your HANDS up in the air, put your hands up....IN THE AIR!” (That’s all I know. I think those might be the only words.)
2) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, baby! (Ooh! Ah!) I wanna knooooooooooow……..if you’ll be my girl!

Holy cow-I can’t believe these are actually songs that are able to be found online. Is there anything not on the internet? Neither one of those however can possibly match the sheer ridiculousness of the following song. Here it comes...oh dear G-d...

3) A remix of “9 to 5”. I wish I were kidding. (Can people who are still alive roll in their graves? Dabney Coleman is rolling in something.)

Please note that the Israeli wedding is not to be confused with an Israeli dance party where the party does not officially begin until the DJ plays “Hips Don't Lie”.

Holy ful, I swear this is true. At my friend Maya’s wedding a few weeks back, the party’s raging, she’s dancing up a storm, and everyone’s having a great time. When Maya does her rounds to say hello to all her friends, I ask her “Maya! How are you?” In just the right voice inflection that can’t possibly be conveyed in print, she responds “b’seder!” For the love of G-d, does anything get this populace excited? WHAT IS NOT B’SEDER???

Would winning a gold medal be b’seder? How about the lottery? The classic Disneyworld commercial just wouldn’t translate to Israeli TV. “Dudu, you just signed a peace treaty with the Palestinians to end hundreds of years of conflict!! Where are you going?”

Ehhhhhhhhhh…I am going home! B’seder!

"Hey, Amit, your house is on fire!"
"B'SEDEEEEER!!!"

Of course the whole American concept of wedding crashers would never work here. The country’s too small…everyone knows each other!

“Hey, who are you?”
“Ehh…I am Moshe, I am stock broker.”
“No, you’re not! You’re Dudu’s cousin! You work at gas station!”

So there you have it. An Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings. In conclusion, bring cash, dancing shoes, and be prepared to have fun.

Oh yes…and put your HANDS up in the air , put your hands up....IN THE AIR!

Geez...I almost forgot to include an actual picture. A happy couple.

Update: Part II found here.

More "b'seder":
Yiyeh b'seder and health!
Yiyeh b’seder and the bomb!
Yiyeh b'seder and its soulmate!

No time to read them? B'SEDEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!

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