Omig-d, 50% of My Body is Now Hamburger

It's Yom Ha'atzmaut, which is Hebrew for "go to the park and eat a cow". It's all about the mangal (barbeque grill). Much to say about this incredible day...but no energy to put the proverbial pen to paper right now. (Ech omrim "proverbial pen"?)

In the meantime, here's a recent article I wrote for PresenTense Magazine, a relatively new Jewish monthly mag. The theme of the issue is, what else? Israel's 60th and the topic of the article is Facebook in Israel. Enjoy...and chag ha'atzmaut sameach!

Future advertisement for Goldstar? I'm waiting by the phone...

Yom Hazikaron (Still Not Israeli)

Dammit! I did it again. (I almost sounded like Britney there.)

This time, wearing an orange polo. Of course I slept on a couch in Jerusalem last night so it's not like I had much choice.

Racing back to Tel Aviv for the fun to begin tonight. Details to come.

Chag Ha'atzmaut Sameach, wherever you are.

Glad to See Israel's 60th is Putting Everyone in a Good Mood

Did you see my post a few months back about SOS Israel?

To review, this religious group led by Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpo decided that we'd all be better off not living in the current state of Israel, which along with the US, according to him, are partners in our own destruction, but in a new autonomous state in Judea and Samaria. In concordance with this decision, on the eve of Israel's 60th, SOS Israel has redesigned the Israeli flag with the Magen David replaced by a Gush Katif yeshiva destroyed after the disengagement.


I have taken the liberty of redesigning the flag as well and plan to send it to SOS Israel so that they might consider it once they establish their new state. It's a little raw but not bad for a first draft.

Why am I getting a hankering for Cocoa Puffs?

The full story from Ynet.

(Thank you, Blogger, for your new future-date function! It's Friday mid-day right now...hope this story's still relevant in two days.)

BREAKING NEWS: Red Hot Chili Peppers Spotted in Bat Yam!

How else to explain this story?

A 27-year-old man, claiming to be a yeshiva student, decided to launch an unusual protest against a court ruling allowing stores and restaurants to sell leavened food during the holiday of Passover. The man, dressed as a haredi, arrived Monday afternoon at a store belonging to the non-kosher Tiv Taam supermarket chain in the city of Bat Yam, just south of Tel Aviv. Upon his arrival, he undressed and remained with only a sock covering his private parts.

I assume they mean he was dressed as a haredi before dropping trou, right? The next time I see tube socks in Mea Shearim will be the first. (Ech omrim "dropping trou"?)

The man explained that he could not be prosecuted for an indecent act in
public, because according to the court's interpretation of the leavened food law, a supermarket is not considered a public place. He even wrote on his stomach, "This isn't public???"

Well, it is now, buddy. Thanks for sharing. Does Tiv Ta'am sell vomit bags?

From my friend Mort: I wonder if it was a white tube sock, or if it was one of those fancy cris-crossed argyles that the haredim usually wear. Too bad there weren't any pictures.

No, I take that back. Thank G-d there weren't any pictures.

When my parents checked me into my dorm room the first day of college, there were already beer cans all over the table and this poster up on the wall. Can you say "uncomfortable"?

According to crazy dude, "I left the sock on because I'm religious." That's it-I know what I'm wearing to shul next Yom Kippur as I streak across the mechitzah. WHO'S WITH ME???

(Thanks, Mort and Tony.)

That's Funny....I Could Have Sworn It Was PASSOVER.

Hello, Ynet readers, and welcome to the War Zone! Put on your flak jacket and let's have some fun.

Just a few quick photos before I (and the 35 pounds I just put on) hit the sack....

Is there anything more amazing than a country where the world's most famous soft drink wishes you a chag sameach?


Let's take a closer look, shall we?


Just beautiful. That's life in the Jewish state, people. Where capitalism meets religion.

Did I say Jewish state? Then what in G-D'S NAME IS THIS???

Keep looking....keep looking...see it? SEE IT??? That would be a woman with a FREAKING SANTA CLAUS HAT AT THE SEDER TABLE. Way to instill Jewish identity in the next generation, lady.

To those of you in Israel, be sure to make it to Jerusalem's Comedy Basement this Monday night. See you there!

When: April 21 at 7 PM and 11 PM

Headlining: Benji Lovitt

Featuring: Yossi Tarablus, Tal Solomon
MC: Hani Skutch

Location: Off The Wall Comedy Basement - Ben Yehuda 34 (corner of King George- down the stairs, near the Mashbir)

Cover: 40 shekels (35 shekels for students, soldiers, seniors) + 15 shekel drink minimum purchase

Reservations: 02-624-3218

How to Know That You're Not in America Anymore

From earlier this morning....

Boker tov, my loyal readers-just a quick post before I run out the door for the weekend. So I'm in my kitchen boiling water to make oatmeal (thank you, kumkum.) A few minutes into the process (if you can call boiling water a process), I start to smell something burning. Huh? I'm not that bad of a cook, am I? (Nobody answer that.) I walk around the apartment, sniffing in a couple of rooms, before realizing that the voices coming from outside my kitchen window just said the world lechem (bread). Yep, they're burning their chametz right outside my home.

Don't remember that happening in intown Houston (or Dallas, or Atlanta, or Manhattan, or...)

From the entire team of us at What War Zone, chag Pesach sameach!

Mimouna: Getting in Touch With My Sephardic Side

This is post #2 of the day, my loyal readers. I have a feeling that when I post more than once in a short period, people miss the first one. And if you liked that, you have GOT to see this!!!! Did you click on it??? If not, then you have just GOT to see this!!!!

(It is so often asked: “With Israel 60 years into its existence and clearly no longer in the “chalutzim” era , what can immigrants bring to this country today?” Oh yeah, baby…Rickrolling. When this is written up in Jpost, I want credit, dammit.)

Shmulik: “Nu, be’emet!? Lamah aseeta et ha’Reek rohl alai???”
Dudu: “Cha cha cha cha!!!”

In three years, l’rakrel will be added to Hebrew. Mark my words, people, you heard it here first.)

My favorite song of 8th grade….
You got a problem with that?

Anyway…I remembered today that in the Moroccan culture, the Pesach holiday ends with Mimouna, the celebration of getting to once again eat food which doesn’t do irrevocable damage to your insides. Apparently it’s a big feast with lots of doughy foods and revelry. This is not to be confused with Mayumana which is the Israeli Stomp, or Israeli men dressed as sperm which is just weird.

I hadn’t even heard of this event until moving here. So who’s doing Mimouna around here and wants to invite me? This is blogworthy, baby; Jews around the world need to know about this.)

See you at the gorge-fest! Just call me Nissim.

Quick Pesach Fun

Only five shopping days till Seder. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple of quick kosher for Passover bits of fun...

It ain't Sir Mix-a-lot; it's my friend Dorf, produced by Molly over at The Big Felafel. Very rewatchable.

And for those of you who don't have the patience to sit through a full seder...

The Two-Minute Haggadah - A Passover seder for the impatient.

Opening prayers: Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)

Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.

Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)

The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child-explain Passover.
Simple child-explain Passover slowly.
Silent child-explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child-brow beat in front of the relatives.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through. The Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.

The singing of 'Dayenu':If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If He'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough. If He'd parted the Red Sea (remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.) etc.

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL.

Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some more songs. Try to stay awake.

Who knows one? Who knows two through thirteen? Dad bought a goat for two zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until God steps in.

Go to sleep. Do it again another night (optional).

Sadly, there's only one Seder here in Israel so I only get to do it once. More to come soon...chag samach!

Fuzzy Math: 7 + 11 = 60

Boker tov, my loyal readers-how are you? I was recently reminded that when someone greets you with "boker tov!" (good morning), one traditional answer to respond with is "boker or!" (morning light) I say "reminded" because I can't tell you the last time I recall hearing this. Is this a thing of the past, Israelis?

I think I'm going to bring that to the States next time I visit.

7-Eleven cashier: "Good morning."
Benji with wide-eyed smile: "MORNING LIGHT!"
Cashier: (reaches for gun, starts to call 911)

Yeah, I see that translating well.

Save it, language buffs-this ain't Ulpan Gordon.
(Although the bathrooms are probably about as nice.)

I wanted to bring to your attention a new and timely blog leading up to Israel's 60th next month. 60Bloggers.com is bringing together (all together now) sixty bloggers writing about their feelings towards this amazing country, one a day. The first post went up a few days ago and some of my friends/people I like will be among those writing including Harry Rubenstein from The View from Here and Jerusalemite and Esther Kustanowitz from My Urban Kvetch and JdatersAnonymous. Yours truly, Benji Massachusetts/Abu Lovitt will of course be writing as well so stay tuned. And forward this site to your friends!

Morning light to all of you!

60Bloggers.com is a joint project of Jewlicious and the Let My People Sing Festival

Purim in Sderot (Better Late than Never)

Is it too late to talk about Purim? Because of camera issues, I didn't have my pictures till now but I don't want to let it go by without at least a quick recap. (Usually when I preface an email with "in short", I proceed to write a 75 page thesis but this will probably be quick. For some nice, emotional gobbledygook about Purim in Israel, see last year's recap.)

(Two more quick things:
1) Gobbledygook is in Wikipedia and would you believe there's more than just a sentence? YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO SCROLL DOWN TO READ IT ALL. WHO IS TAKING THE TIME TO ENTER THIS CONTENT???

2) Ech omrim "gobbledygook"?)

What does a cat on a tustus have to do with gobbledygook?

Nothing. So let's move on.

Holidays rule in this country. Thursday night I went to a party at a bar thrown by the organization of birthright alumni. I am the first to brag about my history of great costumes. This year did not add to the list. I am playing the "I was busy" card; only a couple of days before Erev Purim, I started to brainstorm. Sadly, those around me didn't share my vision. I was discouraged into saving "slutty separation fence" for another year.

At the 11th hour, I was running around Dizengoff Center begging the cashier at Home Center to lend me her red overall uniform to no avail. I couldn't find a Pizza Meter nearby to get one of their delivery uniforms and my El Al flight attendant friend didn't get back to me. Sigh, here we go.

One sheet of construction paper...check.
One cardboard box out of a dumpster...check.
Scissors....check.
String...check.
Marker...check.

And voila!

Hamantaschen Post-Iran.


Don't worry, nobody at the party got it either.

Five corners? Nuclear radiation? Never mind. Perhaps "nuclear Hamantaschen" or "Dimona Hamantaschen" would have made more sense....or maybe not. Hey, you take chances...they can't all be winners. I WILL NOT DUMB DOWN MY COSTUMES FOR THE MASSES!!!

(Ok, I'm over it.)

Friday morning, rather than go to any of the big outdoor festivals, I did something much more important to me: drive to Sderot. I've wanted to go for a couple of months and was never able to make it happen. If you don't know what Sderot is, I don't know where to tell you to begin. Here are a few links.

Before things quieted down a little following the incursion into Gaza, people in this country were just so angry and fed up with the situation there and the government's failure to do anything. It's strange for me to be here while it's happening. During the last intifada and especially while recruiting for Young Judaea Israel Programs, I was so frustrated by the way the vast majority of the American Jewish community just completely stopped visiting. I feel like those Israelis who have channeled their emotions into an actual visit are few and far between. I was fortunate enough to be able to come on a Federation solidarity mission in 2003 and there was no way I wasn't going to get to Sderot at some point.

So Friday morning, I awoke at 7 AM to drive with my friend Tal. On the way to meet him, I picked up a couple of oznei Haman (Hamantaschen) to give him as mishloach manot. According to a wise, Jewish man I know (let's call him The Internet), there are four mitzvot to fulfill during Purim.

1) Hearing the Megillah
2) Giving to the poor
3) Giving mishloach manot
4) Listening to Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True"

Just making sure you're paying attention. #4 is eat at a seuda (festive meal).

Tal and I with our Milli Vanilli costume starter kit.

I was hoping to do all four this year until I was told that, "Sorry, moron, the Megillah's only on Thursday night." Who can keep track with Shushan Purim and Purim Meshulash? (By the way, if you didn't get it, I am the moron.)

Fine, so shopping in Sderot was my version of giving to the poor (or in this case, needy) and I planned to have some friends over for dinner Friday night. As Meat Loaf said, "three out of four ain't bad." Or something.

Tal and I got to Sderot around an hour after leaving Tel Aviv. At first, I thought, "Man, the streets are empty! It's a ghost town...how sad!" before realizing that I was in a small town at 9 AM on a Friday morning. I'm pretty sure that had nothing to do with falling rockets. This wasn't exactly Gotham City. We parked the car and started walking around the small city center.

The first people we approached were two kids selling newspapers on the street. "Yediot Achronot! Chamesh shekel!" I gave the first kid ten and told him to keep the change. A few feet away, different paper, same situation. Didn't matter that I probably wouldn't read 100 Hebrew words. I was there to show my support and help the sagging economy. How to show your support besides spending money? Strike up a conversation with a local. I ask the first kid, "So what's it like living here?" He replies, "I live in Beersheva."

What the...??? HEY, I WANT MY TEN SHEKELS BACK!!! Punk.

We continued down the block and came across a group of yeshiva boys dancing in the streets for the chag. That was nice. It was uplifting to see some happiness there after what they've been through. At some point while discussing the amounts of money we were going to spend that day, one of us said, "Hey! What are we doing in Tel Aviv? We should come here and pose as locals! We'll make a fortune!"

A resident of Sderot who was nice enough to drive me around town.

Any resemblance to a middle-class Long Island native is strictly a coincidence.

Then the shopping commenced. We bought a few things at a hardware store, a food store, and somehow resisted the urge to buy ars-y jeans (the dangling zipper-chains attached to the back pockets made it easy).

Next stop: cafe for breakfast. Two things to say about this:
1) The waitress's costume was really cute.

"Rak lo tseva adom!" Just not the color red. "Tseva adom" is the name of the alarm that sounds when a rocket is about to hit. Her shirt had stickers of all different colors...except for red. I loved it. Great.

2) The waitress spilled coffee all over me. Aleph, it wasn't hot, and bet, I thought, "I'm gonna come to Sderot and complain about coffee??? Not a chance." I just smiled.

See, folks, Sderot really is dangerous.

Last stop, supermarket. I spent a bunch of cash there and, not surprisingly, I've already let some of the vegetables go bad....what else is new?

After about three-and-a-half hours, we headed home. On the way out, we passed one of the protective bus stops.

A closer look revealed the sign's donors...

How about that, my friends in Atlanta? See where your dollars go? For those of you American Jews who give on Super Sunday, kol hakavod (loose translation="good job"). Those who don't, I hope you'll consider. (Ok, I just went to the Atlanta Federation's website and see that this identical picture already resides there. So much for me winning the Pulitzer.)

So how was it? Quiet. Normal. No sirens. Just another day in Sderot. (Wasn't that a Jon Secada song? 1992 in the house!)

I'm so glad I went. It's important to support Israel these days and the people of Sderot need it. So whether it's visiting, giving money, sending care packages to the kids who are surely going to have issues to deal with as they get older, writing a letter to an American senator, or whatever...I hope everyone does something.

Better late than never....chag sameach.

(Did I say "quick"? I meant "meaningful".)


Live in Jerusalem and looking to help? This just in:

Fair for Vendors from Sderot and the Gaza Periphery, April 11th, 10:30- 15:00

The situation in Sderot and the Gaza periphery is difficult, and has taken its toll on all of the area's residents professionally, personally, and financially. Looking for a way to get involved without making the long drive?

Come do your pre-Pesach shopping at The Merkaz and support businesses from Sderot and the surrounding areas. The atmosphere will be festive, with fun gypsy music and stands with vendors of all sorts.

The entrance fee is only 10 shekels, free for children, to cover costs.
Please come out in support of these great business owners. For more information, contact Deena at 02-561-9165 *203 or at deena@themerkaz.org

Entrance to The Merkaz is at 7A Dor Dor VeDorshav, to Mozeon Hateva on Hamagid Street.

How Can Someone Wet Her Pants But Still Conjugate in Passive Tense?

Good morning, my loyal readers-I hope to have my Purim update online in the next 24 hours. I’m having some logistical issues in the camera department which will be resolved soon. As always, it was a nice holiday experience. I hope you all had a chag sameach and to any of my Christian readers (do I have any Christian readers?), a happy Easter to you.

Today is our company costume contest and several employees brought their kids to work. Lemme tell you…there is nothing cuter than little Israeli kids (quite possibly because they represent the small segment of the population whose Hebrew is on my level). And of course, when you see a baby, a dog, or a kid in the office, you are bound by the laws of physics to drop what you’re doing and pay attention to them.

So when I saw a little 5 year-old in costume, I made my way over to say hello. No matter what the language, you assume your “talking to a little kid voice” with inflections and slow pace of speech.

“Boker toooooooov! (Good morning)”
“Bat kamah aaaaaaht? (How old are you?)”
“Sorry, we’re aaaaaaaall out of Absolut.” Just kidding.

I always wonder…what do little kids think about immigrants who speak another language? At what age do kids understand the presence of different languages and countries? Did this kid think I was an alien? I assume Israeli kids figure it out faster than Americans because of all the English in their lives, starting with on television.

After about a minute of conversing, I said to the girl in Hebrew, “I think that your Hebrew might even be better than mine!”

She replies, “I know.”

Are they just born honest here or what? Is there even a translation for “white lie” in this country? Throw me a bone, kid.

Is there another situation in which a five year-old is better than you in some area? I don’t care who you are, that sucks.

A classic comedy about a man who must be brutally honest with everyone around him.
In Israel, this movie is translated as “Tuesday”.

Update: I just heard the girl speaking Russian to her father. I feel dumb.

Idiot's Guide to Israeli Weddings, Part Shtayim

Guess where I went last night? A wedding! Good times had by all…mazal tov, Mark and Hadar!

As an addendum to last week’s Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings, here are a couple more observations I forgot to include. Read that first if you haven’t already…

--Upon entering the wedding hall, you may see TV screens mounted on the walls around the room. Whereas in America, you might expect them to display a video montage of baby pictures of the couple, here they show some random morphing color show that looks like the thing in Windows Media Player. I know Israelis aren’t big Mac users but I can’t help but feel that I’m missing something here.

Welcome to our happy event!

--Israeli weddings are much bigger than your typical American or Jewish American wedding. In the words of someone last night, “everybody is invited.” As far as I can tell, the invitation process works like this: from a height of 40,000 feet, a blimp drops several thousand invitations over population centers of the country. Whoever picks one up, and…proceeds to then invite everyone in the phone book.

--Israeli men are more fun than American men on dance floors. In America, this territory belongs to the women. Men may or may not dance and usually do so in a fairly non-descript fashion with female dance partners. Remember Bar-Mitzvah parties? Women were the brave ones who formed the circle in the middle while the boys were off somewhere being doofuses (I’m not sure the doofus behavior is connected to our age.)

Last night, once the house/techno/trance (Can someone please tell me what that stuff is called? I only know that I wake up each morning and thank my creator that it’s not on my ipod) came on, the men went nuts, dancing and jumping together on the floor, arms flailing furiously as they laughed, sweated, and had a wild time. We could probably learn something from them. (While we’re at it, I’d also love to learn from them how to maintain that perfect level of four-day scruff. How does it always stay that length? Amazing.)

--There is absolutely zero correlation between appearance and job in this country. In America, someone might look at a hottie patottie and say about a profession, “that job’s beneath her.” Here? Not a chance. I don’t think this says anything about attitudes, just the preponderance of attractive people here. I’m not saying the staff of servers last night were hotter than the Negev in July, but…ok, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

(Stay tuned for next month’s article about Israeli fashion and beauty in the Atlanta Jewish Times’s supplement. Should be a good one.)

What if this woman came to fix your plumbing?

Some guy just threw an entire roll of Charmin down the toilet.

--And two more things about fashion: if I am lying, let G-d strike down every falafel place I’ve ever eaten. Some guy last night had a white shirt with a dragon on the back. Ok, it’s time…I HAVE GOT TO BUY A NEW CAMERA.

Secondly, after getting dressed for the event and walking out of my room, my roommate, a female, starts to critique my outfit of choice. I had on a solid, blue, long-sleeved dress shirt, jeans, and Pumas. Because I won’t let myself speak English with her, I’m not exactly sure why this shirt was not appropriate, or the Pumas, one of my few articles of clothing which apparently are cool. (I half expect one of my friends from New York to break the news that Pumas are now the most dorky thing in the world and what am I thinking owning them? If this happens, I am moving to an island in the South Pacific and wearing nothing but grass skirts.)

9:21 AM “Omig-d, Trevor, those are soooooooooooo cooooool!”
9:22 AM “What are you WEARING??? GROSS!!!!!!!!!!”

I hate fashion.

So, since, of the two of us, she is in fact the native of this country, I changed my clothes after spirited debate and put on something more Israeli (the color black). Upon my arrival to the wedding, I made note of something which I would call the 614th commandment:

Thou shalt not worry about possibly being under- or inappropriately dressed at an Israeli wedding.

Seriously? I really thought I might offend someone? With all the sneakers and designer t-shirts…not a chance anyone was gonna notice me.

Bottom line: everyone had a good time and that’s what’s important.

I think this wraps up this somewhat exhaustive guide. At least till the next wedding.

Did I miss anything?

An Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings

Well, my loyal readers, the weather’s heating up. You know what that means: that’s right…love is in the air. Wedding season is upon us so you best be prepared for it, Israeli-style. I had the privilege of attending a couple of weddings recently which gave me an up-close-and-personal look at matrimony, Middle East-style.

Now…Israeli weddings are somewhat different from in America so you’ll want to know what to expect beforehand. Buckle your selt belts, here we go. (This does not apply to religious weddings which I have yet to experience here.)

Attire:
Dress in this country is casual and weddings are no exception. I can’t even tell you the last time I wore a tie since moving here, if it’s even happened once. This makes for an interesting learning experience at your first wedding.

“Hey, who let the homeless guy in??? (pause) Oh, that’s the groom??? How’s he gonna break the glass wearing Crocs?”

Ok, so maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Although for some reason, it is virtually impossible to find a plain white dress shirt in this country. Apparently clothing manufacturers receive government incentives to print their white shirts with a dragon on the back. Future immigrants, bring dress clothes with you. Forget the ties.

I know you're not sold on it but wait till you see it with the cumberbund.

Gifts:
You've seen "The Apprentice"? Money money money moooooney! MONEY!

Gift shopping is definitely easier in Israel. “Ehhhhhhh…mah zeh Crate and Bah-rehl???” There’s no registry, people…it’s all about the Benjamins, baby. Or the Yitzchak Ben-Zvis. That’s right, cash money.

Guests are greeted upon arrival by a box in which to drop your cash gift, in an envelope of course. (So are you supposed to put a card in there too? At my last wedding, I just wrote my short message ON the envelope. Weird, I know…but isn’t the drop box/cash thing weird anyway?) Someone told me that the happy couple uses this money to pay for the wedding and you’re basically paying for your meal. There’s a joke here somewhere. Commenters?

Voting for Knesset or leaving his gift? I guess we'll never know...
(Hey, as long as you're here, care to officiate?)

By the way, the guy on the 100 shekel bill is Yitzchak Ben-Zvi, the President from 1952 to 1963. He’s wearing a tie. Looking sharp, Yitz! It might be time to change those glasses though.

Chupah:
In America, often the bride invites her hometown rabbi who then recounts his history with the happy couple: “When I first met Sarah in the junior congregation, I knew she was going to be a wonderful Jewish woman.” In Israel, the couple may or may not choose the rabbi by opening the phone book to the letter “resh” and throwing darts. When the two families join the bearded man under the chupah, the guests then join together and sing “one of these things is not like the other”.

Then the ceremony begins. The goal of the invited guests is to talk as much as humanly possible and pretend that a wedding is not happening. Bonus points are awarded for answering a cell phone.

Immediately afterwards, mass congratulation ensues. I wasn’t used to that. At my first wedding, somebody came up to me and said "mazal toooooov!"

(Confused look) "What did I do? Well, I did eat 12 egg rolls in 5 minutes. I just didn't think anybody noticed."

Reception:
Israeli weddings: where Bryan Adams songs go to die. Yup, heard it twice recently.

"Baby, you're all that I want...when I'm lyin' here in your arms...
I'm finding it hard to believe...we're in Hevron."

Performing at Madison Square Garden…or at Shlomit’s wedding.

After the traditional couple slow dances, the party begins with the DJ playing one of the following songs:

1) “Put your HANDS up in the air, put your hands up....IN THE AIR!” (That’s all I know. I think those might be the only words.)
2) “Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, baby! (Ooh! Ah!) I wanna knooooooooooow……..if you’ll be my girl!

Holy cow-I can’t believe these are actually songs that are able to be found online. Is there anything not on the internet? Neither one of those however can possibly match the sheer ridiculousness of the following song. Here it comes...oh dear G-d...

3) A remix of “9 to 5”. I wish I were kidding. (Can people who are still alive roll in their graves? Dabney Coleman is rolling in something.)

Please note that the Israeli wedding is not to be confused with an Israeli dance party where the party does not officially begin until the DJ plays “Hips Don't Lie”.

Holy ful, I swear this is true. At my friend Maya’s wedding a few weeks back, the party’s raging, she’s dancing up a storm, and everyone’s having a great time. When Maya does her rounds to say hello to all her friends, I ask her “Maya! How are you?” In just the right voice inflection that can’t possibly be conveyed in print, she responds “b’seder!” For the love of G-d, does anything get this populace excited? WHAT IS NOT B’SEDER???

Would winning a gold medal be b’seder? How about the lottery? The classic Disneyworld commercial just wouldn’t translate to Israeli TV. “Dudu, you just signed a peace treaty with the Palestinians to end hundreds of years of conflict!! Where are you going?”

Ehhhhhhhhhh…I am going home! B’seder!

"Hey, Amit, your house is on fire!"
"B'SEDEEEEER!!!"

Of course the whole American concept of wedding crashers would never work here. The country’s too small…everyone knows each other!

“Hey, who are you?”
“Ehh…I am Moshe, I am stock broker.”
“No, you’re not! You’re Dudu’s cousin! You work at gas station!”

So there you have it. An Idiot’s Guide to Israeli Weddings. In conclusion, bring cash, dancing shoes, and be prepared to have fun.

Oh yes…and put your HANDS up in the air , put your hands up....IN THE AIR!

Geez...I almost forgot to include an actual picture. A happy couple.

Update: Part II found here.

More "b'seder":
Yiyeh b'seder and health!
Yiyeh b’seder and the bomb!
Yiyeh b'seder and its soulmate!

No time to read them? B'SEDEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!

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Haaretz Gets in Touch With Their Inner Tupac

YO YO YO, MY LOYAL READUZ!!! This is MC B-Love, kickin' it from the 03 in TA.

EAST SIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to focus today on my main man Moziz. Moziz be CRAAAAAAAAAAY-ZEEEEEEE!

I knew it for a while, you know what I'm sayin', but I don't know if Y'ALL know it. Lemme aks you this: if I told you Moziz was frontin' all that time in the desert, not keepin' it real or being true to himself, would you believe me, dawgz? NO?

WELL, BELIEVE THAT!

Moziz was STRAIGHT trippin', yo!

(If Israelis don't understand what I just say, fear not. Neither do I, although do know that white youth in America like to listen to music lyrics like these. For more info on Moe, click here.

G-d, I hope they leave the headline.)

Who Wants to Spank a Tree?

I feel like the story of Tu B'shvat was started as some kind of a practical joke and then continued over the years (why does this sound familiar?...Tom Cruise (cough)). The birthday...of the trees? Are we supposed to sing to them?

When I got to work today, I was greeted by a nice spread of all kinds of fruits and nuts. That's pretty amazing...don't remember it happening in the States. I seriously couldn't identify a lot of them. There was a long orange thing that wasn't a carrot...papaya apparently. Who can recognize a fig? I couldn't. Hard to make out all of them but there they are, on my plate. Chag sameach, everyone.
What happens when the tree turns 21? Do you pour a bottle of beer on it?

Michael Steinhardt Can Not Be Happy About This

Hot off the presses. Just a couple of hours ago, I visited a friend of mine at Tel Aviv's Independence Hall who is staffing a birthright israel trip. That's Independence Hall, the building where Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion addressed the nation and signed the Declaration of Independence on May 14, 1948. If you visit this site today, you can hear the inspirational speech he gave that very day.

Mmm...gives me chills just hearing it. I could have almost used a scarf. Or the next best thing, like A FREAKING KEFFIYAH AS THIS TRIP PARTICIPANT CHOSE TO WEAR.

Nice fashion choice, lady. Because nothing says Zionism like Arafat's headscarf. At least I can "boast" that she was NOT on an American delegation.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go read "Exodus" once or thrice.

"Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus...However He Eats Traif on Shabbas"

A few days ago, I received an email from my 12 year-old Lubavitch cousin Mushki who lives in
Crown Heights, Brooklyn. To my memory, I hadn't met her before moving to New York City four years ago. I saw her a handful of times in my three years in Manhattan and this email was the first contact we've had since I left. (If you hadn't heard, kids are into this thing called the Internets.) Follow our back-and-forth for a minute. Pink, her words; blue, mine. Just like the pegs in Life.

Nope, no stereotypical gender roles in this game.
"Move forward three, clean the dishes."

Here's what she writes:

hi benjamin!!!!! mommy told me that you want pictures of us so this is it!!! some are from monrdechai's wedding and some are of baruch rafael. all of the ones of toby and i are saved on a different comouter!!!!

This just in: one dollar of tzedakah went to a pushke in 770 for every exclamation point used in that email. (I think I grew payes just writing that sentence.)

Hi Mushki! How are you? I'm great. Thanks for writing and for sending these nice pictures. So how old are you now? Israel is great-the winter is very easy here, not like in New York. Chanukah was nice-they sell sufganiot everywhere here.

Pretty straight-forward. Here's where it gets interesting.

I will!!!!!! im 12 still (i turned bat mitzvah in february (i was born in a leap year so techically im still 4)) im going to try to het pictures of me onto this computer so i can send them to you. wanna send me a ticket to israel???? i want to go so badly!!!! if i get to go then i'll visit you!!! i put in several tickets to win a raffle!!! new york is so cold its scary!!!!!!!! i freeze to death with 24 blankets!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont like sufganiot anyway but they sold it alot of places here. shabbos in israel is really nice isnt it?? you can walk in the streets and there are no cars b/c its shabbos and not alot of people drive. thats so peaceful!!! so lucky!!!!!!!!!!! i miss you!!! everyone sends regards!!!!

There are no cars in Tel Aviv. And I have a bridge in Khan Yunis for sale.

Where IS everybody? Ah, yes-they must be davening Mincha.

Ha ha-I wish I could send you a ticket to Israel. If I could afford that, I would fly home to see my family! Shabbos is nice here but people celebrate it differently everywhere (like in America.) In Jerusalem, everything shuts down. In Tel Aviv, most things shut down except for restaurants so people go there a lot to relax and socialize with friends. You'll have to come see it someday!

Nice little plug at the end. Jewish Agency, you owe me dinner. Ok, so check out the response.

but i thought tel aviv was completely jewish!! how could it be that the restaurants are open??? is it that they are open but dont give food, its just for people to relax????

Good job, self. So now what do I do? I feel like I have to tell my imaginary goyisha child that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

What would you write, my loyal readers? In my last email, I accidentally left the address to this site in the message. I wonder if she's reading this right now. If she discovers something here causing her to leave the Orthodox world, I'm going to be in big trouble.

Update: Here is my response.

Mushki,
The answer is that Israel is as Jewishly diverse as America. You have Jews who are Jewish through their religious practice, Jews who are Jewish through their traditions and connection to culture and community, and Jews who are completely secular and don't feel the need to incorporate Judaism in their lives daily because they feel Jewish just by LIVING in Israel.

When everyone is Jewish, people don't have to try as hard because they're surrounded by Judaism. That may not make sense-you have to see it to get it.

Jerusalem is a very religious city; Tel Aviv is less so, just like the communities in Brooklyn are more Jewishly observant than in Manhattan.

I look forward to you visiting!

"Roads? Where We're Going, We Don't Need...Roads"

Get ready, my loyal readers-we'll be hitting the proverbial 88 miles per hour soon enough. Big changes coming to this War Zone shortly.

First thing I should tell you is - Mom, you can just ignore this part if it stresses you out - that I just installed a Feedburner widget on this site. From this point on, those of you who read this via RSS should use the following address: http://feeds.feedburner.com/WhatWarZone

"1.21 gigashekels!"
"What the hell is a gigashekel?"
Greatest movie I had ever seen when 1985 came along.

At some point in the future, I'll change....arrrrgh, I just talked to my genius friend Jonah who explained this to me, and like Negev sand in my palm, the lingo has all slipped away.

Ok, Web 2.0 geniuses, you know what to do. Start using that URL or click on the new icon on the right because the current one may not work once I make "the big switch" (whatever that means.)

In other news, I went to the launch party for Israel21c.org's new website tonight. Hey, friends of mine, is the new one "open for business" yet? Man, I'm just breaking down here at 12:56 in the morning.

It's interesting when you watch the blogosphere come alive. I saw Liza from Something Something, Stephanie from Stefanella's Drive-Thru, and met Harry of The View From Here who I'd exchanged emails with in the past. To top it off, I even became Facebook friends with Aussie Dave just an hour ago. Ok, I think that's all my shout-outs. Shabbat shalom.

And Now a Quick Word from Our Sponsors...

Or am I their sponsor? Anyway, a plug for a couple of things that came across my virtual desk recently.

The Jewish Reconnection Project is a web-only mini series which shows young Jews in New York and Jerusalem talking to each other and sharing how their Judaism affects their lives. It'’s meant to give viewers a sense of the diversity of Jews around the world and to let college-age people express their own ideas about Judaism with the goal of creating a stronger, healthier Jewish community. The JRP is the baby of Todd Schechter in New York whom I haven't met, although we do share 3 mutual friends according to a certain social networking site.

Whatever you do, don't become friends with this guy.

IsraelVintage: Icons on T-shirts sells t-shirts online decorated with icons "collected along the way" through Israel's 60 years. The site itself reminds me of one of my faves, Busted Tees, in its appearance and models (although there is currently no Hebrew version of "Don't Tase Me, Bro". Nobody steal the idea...IT'S MINE, DO YOU HEAR ME???)

Shabbat shalom, everybody.

BREAKING NEWS: Two Jewish States!

Here's something I posted on Israelity the other day.

According to this story in Ynet, the religious organization SOS Israel is planning to set up a new state in the West Bank should the Israeli government decide to withdraw in a peace agreement. This, from Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpo:

“First of all we must understand that ‘it will come to pass,’ in other words- to internalize the lessons of the cruel expulsion from Gush Katif and to cease living in illusions. It is upon us to choose if we want to be brought to the slaughter, God forbid, or to stand up for our lives against the government’s intentions. There is no doubt then that the only solution is to immediately declare the establishment of an autonomous Jewish state in Judea and Samaria. The time has come to seriously consider erecting a legal body that will unite the Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria as a state-to-be,” Rabbi Wolpe wrote.

This is amazing, my loyal readers! Just over 100 years ago, Theodore Herzl dreamed of a Jewish state. Did anyone ever dream in this lifetime that we would see a second??? Just imagine…

Twice the pushing!

Twice the bureaucracy!

TWICE THE HOOTERS!!!!

A new Jewish state in the West Bank? WHY NOT???

Here is my nomination for the national anthem.

Two Jewish states...the possibilities are truly endless. Just one question: can we send the arsim to the other one?