Even the Animals Speak Hebrew

This past weekend, I went up north to visit my friend Michael. That's Mi-kha-el (as in "who is like G-d", Hebrew), not Michael (as in Jackson, freak of nature.) Saturday morning, while I'm sitting at the table with his two kids, he starts to give me a tour of the breakfast cereals: there's Cheerios, some whole-wheat concoction, and Shalva, which apparently is a classic, old-school cereal which is cheap and has been around since the days of King David.


When looking at the Shalva bag, I see that it has "peh gadol" written on it. Michael explains that while, yes, it does mean "big mouth", it's also what parents say to little kids before they shove food down their throats. What's the English equivalent? "Open wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide...."?


So I start playing with the 1.5 year old, saying "peeeeeeeeeeeeh gadooooooooool!" before feeding myself. He repeats. Then I say "peh gadol v'ozen gadol!" (big mouth and big ear), as I hold my left ear out with one hand and shovel the cereal into my mouth with the other. He repeats. Ahhh....seems that we have a game of follow the leader!


"Peh gadol v'einayim g'doloooot! (big mouth and big eyes)
"Peh gadol v'oseh kmo chatuuuuuuul!" (....and does like a cat: "meow meow!")
"Pet gadol v'oseh kmo keleeeeeeeeeeev!" (....and does like a dog: "ruff ruff!")


(pause)


1.5 Year Kid: "Mah zeh 'ruff ruff' ?"

Who the hell ever heard a sheep say "meh meh?"

CLEARLY they're saying "bah". When they talk. To me. Often.

Mah zeh "ruff ruff"....THAT was funny.

Anybody want to explain the Hebrew animal language? Ayn li koach.

The bird says "tseef tseef!"

The rooster says "kookooreekoo!"

The ars says "AHLO AHLO!"

And, yes, this means that the 1.5 year old speaks better than I do.

That's Funny....I Could Have Sworn It Was PASSOVER.

Hello, Ynet readers, and welcome to the War Zone! Put on your flak jacket and let's have some fun.

Just a few quick photos before I (and the 35 pounds I just put on) hit the sack....

Is there anything more amazing than a country where the world's most famous soft drink wishes you a chag sameach?


Let's take a closer look, shall we?


Just beautiful. That's life in the Jewish state, people. Where capitalism meets religion.

Did I say Jewish state? Then what in G-D'S NAME IS THIS???

Keep looking....keep looking...see it? SEE IT??? That would be a woman with a FREAKING SANTA CLAUS HAT AT THE SEDER TABLE. Way to instill Jewish identity in the next generation, lady.

To those of you in Israel, be sure to make it to Jerusalem's Comedy Basement this Monday night. See you there!

When: April 21 at 7 PM and 11 PM

Headlining: Benji Lovitt

Featuring: Yossi Tarablus, Tal Solomon
MC: Hani Skutch

Location: Off The Wall Comedy Basement - Ben Yehuda 34 (corner of King George- down the stairs, near the Mashbir)

Cover: 40 shekels (35 shekels for students, soldiers, seniors) + 15 shekel drink minimum purchase

Reservations: 02-624-3218

How to Know That You're Not in America Anymore

From earlier this morning....

Boker tov, my loyal readers-just a quick post before I run out the door for the weekend. So I'm in my kitchen boiling water to make oatmeal (thank you, kumkum.) A few minutes into the process (if you can call boiling water a process), I start to smell something burning. Huh? I'm not that bad of a cook, am I? (Nobody answer that.) I walk around the apartment, sniffing in a couple of rooms, before realizing that the voices coming from outside my kitchen window just said the world lechem (bread). Yep, they're burning their chametz right outside my home.

Don't remember that happening in intown Houston (or Dallas, or Atlanta, or Manhattan, or...)

From the entire team of us at What War Zone, chag Pesach sameach!

Mimouna: Getting in Touch With My Sephardic Side

This is post #2 of the day, my loyal readers. I have a feeling that when I post more than once in a short period, people miss the first one. And if you liked that, you have GOT to see this!!!! Did you click on it??? If not, then you have just GOT to see this!!!!

(It is so often asked: “With Israel 60 years into its existence and clearly no longer in the “chalutzim” era , what can immigrants bring to this country today?” Oh yeah, baby…Rickrolling. When this is written up in Jpost, I want credit, dammit.)

Shmulik: “Nu, be’emet!? Lamah aseeta et ha’Reek rohl alai???”
Dudu: “Cha cha cha cha!!!”

In three years, l’rakrel will be added to Hebrew. Mark my words, people, you heard it here first.)

My favorite song of 8th grade….
You got a problem with that?

Anyway…I remembered today that in the Moroccan culture, the Pesach holiday ends with Mimouna, the celebration of getting to once again eat food which doesn’t do irrevocable damage to your insides. Apparently it’s a big feast with lots of doughy foods and revelry. This is not to be confused with Mayumana which is the Israeli Stomp, or Israeli men dressed as sperm which is just weird.

I hadn’t even heard of this event until moving here. So who’s doing Mimouna around here and wants to invite me? This is blogworthy, baby; Jews around the world need to know about this.)

See you at the gorge-fest! Just call me Nissim.

More of “What the *$@# does that word say?”

Inspired by Pant Steak…

Who saw “Hisardut (Survivor)” last night? Great way to practice your Hebrew with the subtitles. Until I saw “גו גתר”.

Here was me sounding it out in the second before the audio caught up.

“Gav? Gav ga-TAHR?”

Oh GEEZ…

This is starting to require its own blog category…

Can We Get Roger Ebert on the Phone, Please?

Every morning, my day starts like clockwork. Alarm goes off, I stumble out of my room, and am greeted by the sight of my roommate eating breakfast at the kitchen table. This morning, the repetition of it all struck me. About 30 seconds after waking from slumber, I made the mistake of trying to explain the movie “Groundhog Day” to her in Hebrew. This is a rough translation.

“You know the movie about….ummm….there’s a holiday on February 2nd….about
this…ummm…this little animal that comes out of a hole in the ground…and if there
is sun, he sees his (grasping at straws to come up with word…no success)….and a
funny man named Bill Murray is in it…and every day, ummm...it’s the same day…

(silence)

You know this movie?”

Blank stare. I don’t know how to say “mental asylum” but she may or may not have called it when I was in the shower.

What a ridiculous way to begin a day. Ech omrim “can I have the last 60 seconds of my life back?”

Whoever knows the word for this thing,

where the hell were you at 7:15 this morning?

Where Do I Find an Ulpan for English?

Hello, my loyal readers. Sorry for the recent lack of posts. Life as an oleh chadash is busy as always and I’ve had a packed few weeks with stand-up shows and other things. A couple weeks back, I was asked to perform for at a conference for Techshoret, an organization of technical writers and communicators. Here’s a short clip (if you don’t find Microsoft Word jokes amusing, feel free to call us dorks and keep on reading.....yes, I was a technical writer back before I realized that this type of writing is far more rewarding).

What else can I tell you from my last couple of weeks? Just a couple of thoughts:

• I know this isn't news and, yes, I might be the last person to figure this out, but Machaneh Yehudah kicks the hoo-ha out of Shuk HaCarmel (ech omrim "hoo-ha"?) I was in Jerusalem last Shabbat and had a lovely walk thru the shuk (does the use of the word "lovely" automatically make me old or am I aging regardless of my vocabulary?) Ten minutes in the Tel Aviv shuk on a Friday makes me want to put my head through a window. (Ech omrim "put my head through a window"?)
• Now that winter seems to be officially over....wow, that was pretty brutal, Tel Aviv. I don't know how we did it. In the meantime...see you at the beach!!!
  

I think that's all for now. I've missed you guys!!! (Anybody still here?)

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Do you like impressions? Here is my impression of me examining various cleaning products at the store earlier this week.

“Panat…pantastayak…what the hell is Pant Steak?”

The first non-Israeli to correctly identify this word wins a prize.

(Thanks, Stacey, for the graphic.)

Legends of the Mossad: Don't Worry Israel, You're in Good Hands (Belch)

Pull up a chair, my loyal readers, it's time for a history lesson. Today we're going to talk about an Israeli legend, Meir Amit.

....a man who made the Mossad what it is today as director during the 1960s...

....a man who helped deliver its first MiG fighter plane when its Iraqi pilot defected to Israel...

....a man who fought in the War of Independence, served in the Knesset, and is a monumental figure in Israeli intelligence...

And a man who likes a vodka shot right around 5 in the afternoon.

Meir Amit, his grandson and my friend Itai, and I. I tried to get him to spill the beans on why Marzipan is so good but he wasn't talking. Those Mossad guys are tough.

"Meet George Jetson...His Boy Shmulik...."

Hello, my loyal readers-we're back. Back from the future!

On a recent rainy day, I decided to travel to the year 2030 to see what the future has in store for Israel. I must say, it was quite exciting. Robots cutting in line, flying Egged buses...and a kitchen device which may change the world forever.

In the future, Israelis call it the Gimel-500. I like to call it a "can opener." With just a few turns of the hand, this "can opener" provides quick and easy access to foods like tuna fish. I managed to take a picture and bring it back with me to Tel Aviv.

Don't get too close...it may attack.

My Israeli friends reacted with wonder and shock, as they are used to using the Gimel-500's grandfather, seen here.The Aleph-500, while small and convenient to carry, is uncomfortable, annoying, and a primary cause of carpal tunnel syndrome in olim chadashim between the ages of, oh...33 and 33. The Gimel-500 is quick, easy, and can be found at the shuk if you are good at pantomime.

Eating has never been so much fun. What else does the future hold???

Now if I could only find a can opener like this...

An Israeli's Response to the Funniest Book in the History of the World

Here's one that's been sitting in my proverbial hopper for months, just waiting to be written (ech omrim "proverbial hopper"?) It's a long one...get ready.

On my last trip to the States, I came across this in the airport bookstore: "Excuse Me, But I Was Next: How to Handle the Top 100 Manners Dilemmas" by Peggy Post.

Over the next 45 minutes, I proceeded to be be drawn into one of the funniest books in the history of the world. Here's Amazon's description:

Have you ever been annoyed by cell phone yakkers, line–cutters, movie chatters, or noxious neighbors. . .

Yes, I have. And if you don't know where this is going, seriously, you're at the wrong website.

been confused about who pays at a restaurant...spotted someone double dipping...gotten a gift you hated? America's etiquette expert Peggy Post comes to the rescue in this concise, readable book devoted to the top 100 etiquette issues everyone wonders about....Peggy addresses them as only she can––in her direct, fresh, unpretentious style. You'll learn how to politely say"no" to difficult requests, how to introduce someone if you've forgotten their name, damage control for email bloopers, what to do if people don't reply to your RSVP, how to actually get your kids to write thank–you notes, and much more. Peggy Post captures the essence of etiquette for today's world, distilled into the perfect gift book.

Ok, let's get right to it, shall we? Israelis right now are already laughing.

Chapter 2: Top 10 Nosy Questions and Quick Retorts
Q: "How much money do you make?"
A: "Not enough to buy the house that’s going up down the road!" Israelis, you can now make fun of Americans for being fake and passive-aggressive. How about "none of your business, assface. Any more questions?" Or "I'd rather not answer that question." Call me crazy.

Q: How much did you pay for that suit?
A: "Why, does it look expensive?" So clever! How did she DO that???

Q: “Have you had work done...like a facelift?"
A: "Hey, do I look younger? It must be all that clean living!”

What kind of person would ask that last question? And has Peggy written her follow-up book "Stupid Questions and the Morons Who Ask Them"?

If she were an Israeli woman her age, she's be naturally beautiful.
Of course, she'd also have bright red hair and dress like a 17 year-old.

Chapter 6: Cutting Ties with Your Hairdresser
"Breaking up with a hairdresser is like ending any relationship…the key is to be honest and polite." I guess so...if you're ****ing your hairdresser.

Ch. 12:"Excuse me, but I was next"
Ok, here we go....

Q: I was in a long line at store and waiting quite a while. A new line opened and the woman who just joined the end rushed to be the first one. The cashier started ringing her up. What should I have done?
A: Immediately say, "Excuse me, but I believe I was ahead of you." If he doesn’t retreat, don’t push, go speak to the manager.

We call this person a "freier". Can you say "freier", boys and girls? Talk to a manager??? Can you even imagine trying that here? "Nu, mah ani a’aseh??? Kacha zeh b’Yisrael!!!"

Peggy continues: "If you don't want to confront them, the antidote to rudeness is to kill 'em with kindness. " Ok, let me think about that for a second....HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whew, that was great! (laughing, wiping away tears) Kill 'em with kindness? How about with a machine gun? "At very least, it may shame them into acting more civilized." Freier.

You could also sing this fun song...

Why do people look upset here? This isn’t normal in America?
Do you know what we call it here? Tuesday.

Ch 22: Limits of Generosity
Q: When a co-worker miscarries, never say "it was for the best" or "it was God's will."

Gee, do you think so? Hey everybody! Be sure to buy next book from Peggy Post: "Excuse Me, But I Think You Just Ran Over My Dog", giving such useful tips as "Things Not to Say When Your Loved One Gains 700 Pounds"

Ch 28: Internet Dating Etiquette
"Post only an up-to-date photo." Listening, Jdaters? "Arrange a first meeting in a public place and limit the duration." If you don't know that, there's a reason you're single. Hmm...I've never met this guy....he won't divulge his job...he doesn't have pictures posted...I know! WEEKEND GETAWAY IN THE CAYMANS!

Ch 43: Dressing Downer
Q: When together with friends, my 15 year-old insists on wearing grungy jeans and a t-shirt. I tried to get him to dress nicer but he says that’s his style and to leave him alone.
Benji's A: Have you considered attending a wedding in Petach Tikva?

Ch 50: How to Eat a Cherry Tomato
I am not even kidding. LADY, IRAN IS DEVELOPING A NUCLEAR BOMB TO BLOW US ALL UP!!! FORGET THE CHERRY TOMATOES!!!

Ch 59: Flying the Unfriendly Skies
Q: I’m fed up with parents who let their children act up on airplanes. During the last few flights, I've been kicked, poked, and tormented with nonstop whining and tantrums. How do I make it stop?
Benji's A: Switch to Israir


And more....

Q: My wife’s company is holding a holiday party. I’m world’s worst communicator…advice?
A: "Be well versed on current events."

You know, like this lady.

"Steer clear of controversial topics."
So it wouldn't be wise to say "So I'm thinking about moving to Hebron...thoughts?"

Q: At a party, I started talking politics and the discussion got heated. The host seemed uncomfortable. I enjoy a good debate and think our argument was civil but my wife insists it was rude. Who’s right?
A: Discussion of an interesting topic can be a great party activity, provided no one curses or resorts to full-scale argument. Most subjects (the market, sports, politics) are fair game as long as the expresser rationally listens with an open mind and refrains from insisting too vehemently on his views. Unless the conversation amounted to all out verbal combat, it is not rude.
Benji's A: Were people screaming at each other and yelling "mah karah lecha???" If so, this is called talking. You are too sensitive.

PTA Pressures
Q: A parent from the PTA keeps calling me to help me with school projects but I’m overwhelmed with a job and kids. What should I do?

FOR THE LOVE OF G-D, SAY NO! Or say you have miluim (army reserves) for the next 6 months. That's the Israeli version of "ooooh, I wish I could but I have to wash my hair."

Telephone troubles
Q: As the pace of modern life speeds up, rudeness seems to escalate. Here are some of the most offensive and rude behaviors.
1) Cell yell: Broadcasting cell conversation in public as if the person were hard of hearing.

Dude, people are smoking IN THE MALL here. Do you think they give a rat's ass about whispering?
Example: I was in the bathroom at a restaurant and the woman next to me was on her cell phone! I was forced to listen while others waited. Is there anything I could have done?

Yes, politely ask her to use movie theater.

That'll teach him to talk on his cell phone.

2) Driving recklessly: Zipping from lane to lane and generally driving like maniac

Did that say manyak?

Q: I was 5 minutes late for interview. I didn’t get job even though I was qualified. Was lateness the reason.
Benji's A: 5 minutes??? YOU’RE HIRED!

Q: I am female and my male client likes to greet me with a kiss. It doesn’t bother me but my boss thinks it’s odd. Should I ask him to stop? I don’t want to offend him and possibly jeopardize our business relationship.
Benji's A: Has he considered running for Knesset?

Peggy Post is today’s recognized leading authority on etiquette. She was also rejected by Nefesh B'Nefesh and will never live in Israel.

"Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus...However He Eats Traif on Shabbas"

A few days ago, I received an email from my 12 year-old Lubavitch cousin Mushki who lives in
Crown Heights, Brooklyn. To my memory, I hadn't met her before moving to New York City four years ago. I saw her a handful of times in my three years in Manhattan and this email was the first contact we've had since I left. (If you hadn't heard, kids are into this thing called the Internets.) Follow our back-and-forth for a minute. Pink, her words; blue, mine. Just like the pegs in Life.

Nope, no stereotypical gender roles in this game.
"Move forward three, clean the dishes."

Here's what she writes:

hi benjamin!!!!! mommy told me that you want pictures of us so this is it!!! some are from monrdechai's wedding and some are of baruch rafael. all of the ones of toby and i are saved on a different comouter!!!!

This just in: one dollar of tzedakah went to a pushke in 770 for every exclamation point used in that email. (I think I grew payes just writing that sentence.)

Hi Mushki! How are you? I'm great. Thanks for writing and for sending these nice pictures. So how old are you now? Israel is great-the winter is very easy here, not like in New York. Chanukah was nice-they sell sufganiot everywhere here.

Pretty straight-forward. Here's where it gets interesting.

I will!!!!!! im 12 still (i turned bat mitzvah in february (i was born in a leap year so techically im still 4)) im going to try to het pictures of me onto this computer so i can send them to you. wanna send me a ticket to israel???? i want to go so badly!!!! if i get to go then i'll visit you!!! i put in several tickets to win a raffle!!! new york is so cold its scary!!!!!!!! i freeze to death with 24 blankets!!!!!!!!!!!!

i dont like sufganiot anyway but they sold it alot of places here. shabbos in israel is really nice isnt it?? you can walk in the streets and there are no cars b/c its shabbos and not alot of people drive. thats so peaceful!!! so lucky!!!!!!!!!!! i miss you!!! everyone sends regards!!!!

There are no cars in Tel Aviv. And I have a bridge in Khan Yunis for sale.

Where IS everybody? Ah, yes-they must be davening Mincha.

Ha ha-I wish I could send you a ticket to Israel. If I could afford that, I would fly home to see my family! Shabbos is nice here but people celebrate it differently everywhere (like in America.) In Jerusalem, everything shuts down. In Tel Aviv, most things shut down except for restaurants so people go there a lot to relax and socialize with friends. You'll have to come see it someday!

Nice little plug at the end. Jewish Agency, you owe me dinner. Ok, so check out the response.

but i thought tel aviv was completely jewish!! how could it be that the restaurants are open??? is it that they are open but dont give food, its just for people to relax????

Good job, self. So now what do I do? I feel like I have to tell my imaginary goyisha child that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

What would you write, my loyal readers? In my last email, I accidentally left the address to this site in the message. I wonder if she's reading this right now. If she discovers something here causing her to leave the Orthodox world, I'm going to be in big trouble.

Update: Here is my response.

Mushki,
The answer is that Israel is as Jewishly diverse as America. You have Jews who are Jewish through their religious practice, Jews who are Jewish through their traditions and connection to culture and community, and Jews who are completely secular and don't feel the need to incorporate Judaism in their lives daily because they feel Jewish just by LIVING in Israel.

When everyone is Jewish, people don't have to try as hard because they're surrounded by Judaism. That may not make sense-you have to see it to get it.

Jerusalem is a very religious city; Tel Aviv is less so, just like the communities in Brooklyn are more Jewishly observant than in Manhattan.

I look forward to you visiting!

SAY IT! SAY IT!

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

-Some old dude

B-Shakes knew what he was talking about. The rose may smell as sweet but they're not calling it the same thing all around the world. Whether you call me Joe Montana or Flowers McGee, it doesn't change the fact that I can't throw a football. That said, would it kill people in this country to call me by my actual name?

"To be...or not to be?
That is the.....ehhhhhhhhh.........NU!"

For the sake of this example, let's say we're all Americans. Ok, now everybody eat a Big Mac and act fake. Ha ha. (C'mon, I make fun of the Israelis all the time, it's all in good fun. OR IS IT??? High-five, Israelis!) You've just met a nice Israeli who's moved to the States; in fact, you're a teacher and he's one of your students. You see his name written on the roll sheet but there's a vowel missing. The name reads "Mrdechai."

When calling his name, do you say...?
A) Mardechai
B) Murdechai
C) Mordechai
D) This is America! You'll go by Morty and like it!

(My senior year, we had an Israeli kid named Yuval enroll in the school. He joined my gym class where the other boys proceeded to call him "Yuvie." How endearing. As far as these people were concerned, he was what sunglasses were supposed to protect them from.)

If you said C, you guessed correctly. If you said D, you are very multi-cultured.

So why is it so hard for people here to pronounce "Benji"? BEN-gee!!!

SAY IT! SAY IT, DAMMIT!!!

New Years Eve, I'm at Karnaf, this wrap place with my friends Ziv and Amalia. We place our orders and wait for them to call our names over the mic. "Zeev!" Check. "Amalia!" Check. "Bahn-gee!" My friends laughed hysterically and the truth is, I did too. How could I not? Aside from the fact that over the microphone, most of the Middle East probably heard it, it's ridiculous that when Israelis say my name, they apparently think I'm named for this.

Really? בנג'י is so foreign? It's not obvious that it's connected to "Benjamin" or בנימין? I never had a name that I had to explain in the States, like my co-worker "Brannon" who introduced herself as "Dannon" with a "Br-". I guess I'd better get used to it.

Either that or start going by "Dudu." Of course that raises a whole nother series of issues.

What, You Were Expecting Paul Shaffer?

Another reminder to RSS readers...be sure to make this change.

I got the call yesterday. They're renovating the building and it's time to move on. You know what means, my loyal readers...some lucky Tel Avivi could get to live with me! Who knows of a vacancy?

With apologies to David Letterman, from our home office in Bat Yam, here are tonight's top 10 reasons to live with Benji Lovitt:

10) I know how to clean the floor like a local

9) I know how to NOT clean a sink (someone still brings this up every month)

8) I can whip up a delicious breakfast that won't lead to cardiac arrest

7) I've learned that everything's gonna be ok

"They're heeeeeeere!" YIYEH B'SEDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(This one never gets old to me. If I made a shirt with a picture of Olmert or a map of the Middle East with "Yiyeh B'seder" written below, would anybody buy it?)

6) I've mellowed out over the years

5) I can teach Israelis a few things about the New York stock exchange

4) While I may not be able to build furniture, my gever gever friends can

3) I'm over my blepheritis

2) I'll make you laugh

And the number one reason that you're all going to forward me any apartment opening you hear about or take me in...

1) If I don't find an apartment in 44 days, I'm making yerida to here


Somewhere in Jerusalem, an alarm bell just went off. LET'S GO, Nefesh B'Nefesh! HOOK A BROTHA UP!!!

44 days...the clock is ticking...JEWS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!!!!

Damn You, Bird

To the bird who lost his bowels on my In N' Out shirt on the clothesline...

1) I hope you die a quick death.
2) Can you say "Alka Seltzer?"

Hey, Thanks for the Support

Another one from Israelity...

So it’s been about 16 months since I made aliyah. As in any move, there have been ups and downs but overall, things have been great. And they better be great because any oleh chadash (new immigrant) can expect to answer questions like “so ehhh….why you deed aliyah?” about 400,000 times. When Joe Israeli would ask me this, I used to say something to the effect of

“Well, I came on a six-week trip when I was fifteen and just fell in love with this place. Whenever I would visit, something inside me felt alive and until I gave living here a shot, I knew there would always be a hole in my Jewish identity. In one word? Zionism.”

It’s right around that time that his eyes start to roll to the back of his head and he short-circuits. So now I stick to the second answer: “I lost a bet.” It’s more fun to confuse them.

The average Israeli when I explain why I decided to uproot myself

and build a new life in this country.

I’ve also learned that there’s a big difference in what Israelis say to you before you move to Israel…and AFTER. Before? Everything’s roses! “Why you not leev here? Eet’s greeeeat! Byoo-tee-fool beaches! Byoo-tee-fool WEE-men! (wink wink) Ayn makom acher! (There is no other place.)”

After?

“What ahr you, CRAY-ZEE??? I have cousin in New York, he eez meel-yon-air!!!” Hey, what happened to the first guy? “Oh, he move to New Jehr-zee…he work at mall, making lots of mah-nee.”

This place makes me laugh.

Who Felt That?

Either that was G-d telling me I need to post more or I just felt an earthquake. I thought it might just be something in my building until my friend Laz in Jerusalem just confirmed it.

No word on the news sites yet.

12:00 PM And here's the first article.

ALIENS HAVE INVADED DELTA!!!!!

I am not one for conspiracy theories but something is amiss in Delta-Israel! Please see the letter I recently received from their customer service department after having problems during a recent check-in.


Some of the red flags:

• "Thank you..."
• "We are sorry..."
• "We regret that..."
• "...we apologize for..."
• "Again, thank you..."
• "...accept our sincerest apology..."
• And the kicker..."please find attached our check in the amount of...US$50."

Does anyone else see something strange going on??? There is only one plausible explanation: ALIENS HAVE INVADED DELTA AND ARE USING THEIR BODIES AS HOST ORGANISMS!!!

Does anyone have connections in the media??? Considering this letter is dated a month ago, they've done a great job of covering their tracks but they failed to recognize one thing: no American immigrant would ever believe this letter ever came from Israeli customer service.

So please, my loyal readers, spread the word, make a phone call, DO SOMETHING!!! THE FUTURE OF THE JEWISH STATE IS AT STAKE!!!

(My family members, if I mysteriously disappear in the immediate future, I love you. Please give my Aerosmith CDs to someone who'll appreciate them.)

To get updates delivered to your inbox, sign up on the right. Do it now.

If I Move Back to America, This Will Be Why

Security? SECURITY??? When people say life in Israel is hard, this is what they're talking about.

My socks, after falling to their tragic death.
WHY DON'T THEY SHOW THIS ON CNN???

Fortunately, we have waitresses that look like this to make us forget about laundry stress.

My visiting friend Amir, smiling like it's class picture day.

I really need to begin my weekly Tuesday Israeli Hottie series already. Coming soon.

Arnona, Part II

As a follow-up to this, I just figured out how to calculate my share of the arnona bill.

For a 3 person apartment, divide the total (discounted) bill by 21 to arrive at the oleh's share.
For a 4 person apartment, divide by 31...
5 person, 41...and so on...

I'll show my work:
Discounted bill=210 (meaning the original was 300, remember, that's 100+100+10)

210/21=10, my share

There is no way in hell anyone is doing this. So what's the answer?

I Think I'm Going to Name My First-Born Daughter Arnona Just to Ruin Her Teenage Years

Ok, since I got so many answers last time, I'm going to turn this into my own little aliyah forum. (Also because I'm fascinated by my new book "The Wisdom of Crowds" and a group's ability to come up with the right answer.) If high school math class brings back bad memories, you can close this window now.

I just went to the iriya (city council building) to get my arnona (municipality tax) discount which I understand to be 90% (nine-tenths of the whole...sorry.) Since the bi-monthly bill comes for the apartment, not per individual, I wondered how I would get the money back, for example, by the discounted money being deposited in your bank account. (By the way, is no one else bothered that "bi-monthly" apparently means both twice a month and every other month? Really? No one else has a problem with this? Next time my doctor recommends receiving bi-monthly treatment or risk irreparable brain damage, you can be damn sure I'm asking for clarification.) In my broken Hebrew, I tried to get an explanation out of the clerk but I don't believe she knew (even though she answered with complete confidence.) She told me that if the bill comes for 300 shekels, I am responsible for paying only 30 shekels, 10% of the entire bill, leaving each of my other 2 roommates to pay 270, or 135 each. Where did this woman learn math? If 10% of my third is 30 shekels, my third before the discount was 300 shekels, more than twice the current fully-priced thirds of my 2 roommates, 135 each.

Quick, remember algebra?

Anyone? Anyone know what that woman was smoking?

x=How much each of my roommates is supposed to pay
y=How much I'm supposed to pay

x=10y (they pay 10 times what I do)
2x+y=300 (in this example)

Two equations, two unknowns, a quick solve for x means I pay about 14.3 shekels and they each pay 143 shekels. 143+143+14ish=300. The oleh chadash is really supposed to do this kind of math each month? No way anybody is doing this which leads me to believe that people have no clue in reality how much they're supposed to pay (unless there are only 2 total roommates in which case a quick 10% calculation works fine.)

Olim with more than one roommate...am I missing something? Or is everybody else?