Benji Massachusetts Travel Announces New Trips to Sderot!

Here's a recent Ynet column which I found to be a must-read. The author describes what the Kassams have done to....ummmm...."intimacy" in Sderot.

Sderot is not Tel Aviv. Here you will not find pick-up bars or crowded pubs, and it is not easy to find a partner for a one-night stand. Usually, I have been told, relationships here develop slowly and surely, and only the crackling rocket alert loudspeaker serves to accelerate the process. Indeed, the Qassam rockets are an effective and active matchmaker.

Who wants to be alone when rockets are landing around here? At times of distress, we all need an embrace, a shoulder to cry on, a warm chest, and a comforting and protective body: I don’t want to stay alone tonight, so stay with me - simple words that connect people and arouse hidden desires.

In order to support the economy of our barraged Negev town, it is with great excitement that the Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency announces its new vacation package to Sderot. This package is open to singles only and will begin with a "mifgash" component through which Tel Aviv residents will be paired up with singles of Sderot. The mifgash will take participants to a local winery to enjoy delicious Israeli wines. (In the absence of local wineries, participants will proceed directly to the hosts' residence to discuss current events, take part in social activism, and get drunk.) This is the "home hospitality" portion of the trip, designed to strengthen connections between the two cities, or whatever.

First and last stop on the tour: Motel Shesh.
I hope they serve V-Shmoneh.

The bus will leave immediately after the completion of the hospitality component, no later than 4 AM, due to our very important meeting in the morning.

To any Israelis who have not yet been to Sderot, I highly encourage you to go and there's no better way than on an organized tour.

Benji Massachusetts Travel: Connecting People

Internet Marketing 101: Free Tips from Abu Lovitt

Good morning, my loyal readers-and now a quick lesson in internet marketing.

Heard about the four P's? Let's go through them quickly.
1) Product: what you're selling. Let's take Mexican food in Israel for example. It's nasty. Good luck marketing that.

2) Price: self-explanatory. Dr. Pepper costs 85 million shekels per can. I wonder why they don't sell more here. The more competitive your prices, the easier you'll be able to sell your product. Have you been to AM/PM before in Tel Aviv? I only go there if, aleph, it's Shabbat, or bet, I'm at gunpoint. They won't be hiring me for their marketing team anytime soon.

AM: PM stands for "Ante Meridiem: Post MAMA MIA ARE YOU FREAKING JOKING???"

3) Place: where you're selling, how the product gets to the customer. I hear our neighbors make chumus better than we do. I also won't be finding out anytime soon. This may explain why I don't see many commercials for Chickpea Joe's in Ramallah (or maybe it's because I don't have cable.)

4) Promotion: where and how you get your message to your customer. Internet advertising is the way to go these days although it seems that we still have some kinks to figure out in 2008.

WHY AM I SEEING THIS ON MY COMPUTER???

Apparently, the hottest new site for Jewish online dating.
Jdate, consider yourself warned.

Ooh la la! Baby baby-how about you come back to my place and we make fatwas all night long? At least they made the ad in my native language this time.

More misplaced Middle East advertising from everybody's favorite Arab Jewish blogger!

Thanks, Talia!

Dr. Oh My Lord

When you move here, everyone reminds you to STOP CONVERTING INTO DOLLARS. Mostly because you don't MAKE dollars, so it's pointless. (If you don't live here and don't understand, trust me.)

Oh...and then there's the whole reason of not wanting to have a heart attack.

Here is the first Dr. Pepper I've ever seen in Israel after a late-night mee-nee-mahr-keht visit.


Here is the same Dr. Pepper with a view of the price tag.


Here is Ichilov Hospital which admitted me after falling into a catatonic state.

Looks like I'm switching to a new drink. Good thing there's not a water shortage in this country.

Oh wait...

Mimouna: Getting in Touch With My Sephardic Side

This is post #2 of the day, my loyal readers. I have a feeling that when I post more than once in a short period, people miss the first one. And if you liked that, you have GOT to see this!!!! Did you click on it??? If not, then you have just GOT to see this!!!!

(It is so often asked: “With Israel 60 years into its existence and clearly no longer in the “chalutzim” era , what can immigrants bring to this country today?” Oh yeah, baby…Rickrolling. When this is written up in Jpost, I want credit, dammit.)

Shmulik: “Nu, be’emet!? Lamah aseeta et ha’Reek rohl alai???”
Dudu: “Cha cha cha cha!!!”

In three years, l’rakrel will be added to Hebrew. Mark my words, people, you heard it here first.)

My favorite song of 8th grade….
You got a problem with that?

Anyway…I remembered today that in the Moroccan culture, the Pesach holiday ends with Mimouna, the celebration of getting to once again eat food which doesn’t do irrevocable damage to your insides. Apparently it’s a big feast with lots of doughy foods and revelry. This is not to be confused with Mayumana which is the Israeli Stomp, or Israeli men dressed as sperm which is just weird.

I hadn’t even heard of this event until moving here. So who’s doing Mimouna around here and wants to invite me? This is blogworthy, baby; Jews around the world need to know about this.)

See you at the gorge-fest! Just call me Nissim.

Fuzzy Math: 7 + 11 = 60

Boker tov, my loyal readers-how are you? I was recently reminded that when someone greets you with "boker tov!" (good morning), one traditional answer to respond with is "boker or!" (morning light) I say "reminded" because I can't tell you the last time I recall hearing this. Is this a thing of the past, Israelis?

I think I'm going to bring that to the States next time I visit.

7-Eleven cashier: "Good morning."
Benji with wide-eyed smile: "MORNING LIGHT!"
Cashier: (reaches for gun, starts to call 911)

Yeah, I see that translating well.

Save it, language buffs-this ain't Ulpan Gordon.
(Although the bathrooms are probably about as nice.)

I wanted to bring to your attention a new and timely blog leading up to Israel's 60th next month. 60Bloggers.com is bringing together (all together now) sixty bloggers writing about their feelings towards this amazing country, one a day. The first post went up a few days ago and some of my friends/people I like will be among those writing including Harry Rubenstein from The View from Here and Jerusalemite and Esther Kustanowitz from My Urban Kvetch and JdatersAnonymous. Yours truly, Benji Massachusetts/Abu Lovitt will of course be writing as well so stay tuned. And forward this site to your friends!

Morning light to all of you!

60Bloggers.com is a joint project of Jewlicious and the Let My People Sing Festival

Eat Your Heart Out, Johnny Carson

Three posts in one day??? What in the name of Dizengoff Center is going on here? I’ll tell you what’s going on.

For those of you who are new to the War Zone, last year, my main man David Brinn formerly of Israel21c was gracious enough to invite me to the Maxim magazine photo shoot here in Tel Aviv. It was then that I met Israeli model Nivit Bash, causing the Israeli Department of Transportation to dispatch three city workers to clean up the puddle of drool outside the Hashalom train station. I wrote a piece for this here blog, an article for 21c, and another update here and there.

Just because…

So guess whose stuff comes up first, second, third, fifth, and sixth in a Google search? Every month, I get a good number of Google searchers who type in “Nivit Bash” and find their way to my blog. This may have something to do with the first post being my most read, at least since I installed Google Analytics in December.

Since plenty of people seem to be interested in Nivit (it must be for her political views), I thought it might be worthwhile to interview her. People get to learn more about her, she gets publicity, and I get more page views (especially if she becomes the next Talentless Biotch Formerly Known as Bar.) Nu, zeh ween-ween! The model currently entered in my phone as “Nivit the Jewish Goddess” has agreed to meet with me Friday at noon for coffee (entered as such in order to distinguish her from Nivit the Supreme Court Justice and Nivit the Backup Point Guard.)

As far as I can recall, this will be my first real one-on-one personal interview, Larry King-style. What in the world should I ask this woman? Anything you guys are curious to know about? Clearly I have to broach the topics of arsim, line-cutting, and chumus, right? Who has ideas for questions, topics, and general interview decorum? If this goes well, hopefully it will lead to more interviews with other interesting Israelis. (And just to pre-empt the question, yes, she has a boyfriend. She made sure to mention it approximately 1.28 seconds after our conversation began.)

“Dudu from Kfar Pines, you’re on with Nivit Bash.”
(Think that’s pronounced “pines”? Welcome to Israel.)

Just Call Me Abu Lovitt

Ok, Google, ya might want to work on those targeted ads.

How in Allah's name did this happen? Did someone buy a Koran on my computer when I was in the bathroom?

"Ehhhhh....Mah Zeh Bracket?"

The wait is over. It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year.

Purim? I’m talking about March Madness! If you haven’t filled out your brackets yet, be sure to do so.

It was estimated that employers lost over one BILLION dollars last year in lost productivity during the two-and-a-half week period of March Madness. For my Israeli readers who aren’t familiar with this tradition, let me translate for you:

March Madness = coffee and cigarettes

In fact, I think seven of my co-workers are getting into March Madness as we speak.

Can you feel the excitement???

Anyway, without further ado, I will now reveal my Final Four picks:

UCLA, North Carolina, Texas, and Haifa University.

Haifa definitely has a long road ahead of them but the Fighting Bahais are due after underachieving each of the last seven years. Go Haifa U!

And a chag sameach to all.

Haaretz Gets in Touch With Their Inner Tupac

YO YO YO, MY LOYAL READUZ!!! This is MC B-Love, kickin' it from the 03 in TA.

EAST SIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to focus today on my main man Moziz. Moziz be CRAAAAAAAAAAY-ZEEEEEEE!

I knew it for a while, you know what I'm sayin', but I don't know if Y'ALL know it. Lemme aks you this: if I told you Moziz was frontin' all that time in the desert, not keepin' it real or being true to himself, would you believe me, dawgz? NO?

WELL, BELIEVE THAT!

Moziz was STRAIGHT trippin', yo!

(If Israelis don't understand what I just say, fear not. Neither do I, although do know that white youth in America like to listen to music lyrics like these. For more info on Moe, click here.

G-d, I hope they leave the headline.)

A Review of "Tomorrow's Pioneers": Two Bombs Down

Hello, my loyal readers, we're back. I saw that the writers strike in the States has come to an end. And thank goodness for that because there is some real junk on TV right now. Take the newest season of "Tomorrow's Pioneers", broadcast on Hamas television.

Remember that show? Farfur? Nahoul? It's back, this time with a Bugs Bunny look-alike named Assud who pledges to "eat Jews."

Yikes. We Jews have enough on our proverbial plates as it stands: genocide, taking over the world...who wants to be dinner? (I must admit however, I taste divine with a honey mustard vinaigrette.)

Here are my thoughts on “Tomorrow’s Pioneers”:

• Was this made by a 3rd grader? The production is terrible. It’s 2008…have these people seen “Shrek”? Gimme some CGI…morphing…HD…something! Costumes….terrible. Soundtrack…lame. Somebody should lose their job over this.

• A couple of dudes start giving CPR to the bee but they’re not using quick breaths. Didn’t you learn this stuff at your terrorist camp? I sure as heck learned it at my summer camp. I hated the swimming lessons but I guess it paid off. Next time I have to resuscitate a 200 pound bee, you can be sure I’ll know how to do it.

• The acting is horrendous. Who’s the fat dude with the beard just sitting there with his back to the camera? Yeah, he looks concerned. This is the most unemotional death scene I’ve seen since Susan licked the toxic envelopes.

• We meet Saraa, the narrator. Saraa…baby…it’s 2008. You gotta spunk it up a little. That’s what girls like in their role models. Hannah Montana, Spice Girls…show some cleavage. (Ech omrim “cleavage” in Arabic? Ech omrim “ech omrim” in Arabic?)

You don't see Hannah eating Jews, do you?
If she did, would they go straight to her tush?

• I just saw Winnie the Pooh in the background. In Hamas, it’s translated as “Winnie the Shaheed.”

• For those of you who don’t know the Gaza dialet of Arabic, I will translate the scrolling text at the bottom. “In the GBA, the Rafah Blue Bombers defeated the Khan Yunis Suicide Devils 101-89. For breaking 100, all Jenin fans with a ticket stub can receive one free shawarma at Ahmed’s After Dark.”

• Ok, now it’s getting good. We meet the rabbit, Assud. Um...why is he calling the human “father”? What the hell is going on here? Assud, about the wrap-around whiskers…you can get that waxed you know. I’m just saying.

Ech omrim "metrosexual" in rabbit?

• Olim, to get your key of return, please call Nefesh B’Nefesh. If you don’t stay three years, you must return it.

• The interview: apparently they used the old Pee-Wee's Playhouse studio? And what’s the reward for Assud killing himself, 72 carrots? Ehhh....what’s up, Doc(tor Rantissi)?

• Ok, he was raised by a human, he's called "lion”, he’s a bigot…dude, this rabbit has a serious identity crisis. Forget the Anti-Defamation League. WHERE IS PETA IN ALL THIS???

In conclusion, this show sucks. Welcome back, writers-we missed you.

For more on "Tomorrow's Pioneers": http://www.whatwarzone.com/2007/07/milk-honey-and-anti-semitic-bees-that.html

(Thanks, Mort, for the heads up.)

"Meet George Jetson...His Boy Shmulik...."

Hello, my loyal readers-we're back. Back from the future!

On a recent rainy day, I decided to travel to the year 2030 to see what the future has in store for Israel. I must say, it was quite exciting. Robots cutting in line, flying Egged buses...and a kitchen device which may change the world forever.

In the future, Israelis call it the Gimel-500. I like to call it a "can opener." With just a few turns of the hand, this "can opener" provides quick and easy access to foods like tuna fish. I managed to take a picture and bring it back with me to Tel Aviv.

Don't get too close...it may attack.

My Israeli friends reacted with wonder and shock, as they are used to using the Gimel-500's grandfather, seen here.The Aleph-500, while small and convenient to carry, is uncomfortable, annoying, and a primary cause of carpal tunnel syndrome in olim chadashim between the ages of, oh...33 and 33. The Gimel-500 is quick, easy, and can be found at the shuk if you are good at pantomime.

Eating has never been so much fun. What else does the future hold???

Now if I could only find a can opener like this...

Remember This Name

After these egregious offenses, I have developed what I call "Post-Traumatic Name Syndrome" where I become terrified at the sight of a coffee barista-type with a microphone, just waiting to scream "BAHN-gee" to the delight of everyone nearby. When they lean over to say a name, I jump, kind of like these guys.

Guess what I saw this weekend for the first time?
No way could Israelis pronounce Diggler's name. "DEH-rek?"

Fortunately, to my surprise, they got it right last week at Aroma. When I saw the receipt, saw why: they had actually entered my name in English.
Hmm...that's interesting. That can't be easy, right? To switch languages and hunt and peck for the English letters? Thank you, Aroma.

In the meantime, I've figured out a way to get revenge on people who call me "BAHN-gee". I tell them my last name is "Massachusetts." The next Israeli to say that correctly will be the first.

Benji Massachusetts: Coming to an Arena Near You.

Inaugural What War Zone Caption Contest

I feel like this is notable so I'm posting it. Blogger now supports Hebrew and Arabic!




What do you have to say about that, my loyal readers? Best caption wins a prize.

An Israeli's Response to the Funniest Book in the History of the World

Here's one that's been sitting in my proverbial hopper for months, just waiting to be written (ech omrim "proverbial hopper"?) It's a long one...get ready.

On my last trip to the States, I came across this in the airport bookstore: "Excuse Me, But I Was Next: How to Handle the Top 100 Manners Dilemmas" by Peggy Post.

Over the next 45 minutes, I proceeded to be be drawn into one of the funniest books in the history of the world. Here's Amazon's description:

Have you ever been annoyed by cell phone yakkers, line–cutters, movie chatters, or noxious neighbors. . .

Yes, I have. And if you don't know where this is going, seriously, you're at the wrong website.

been confused about who pays at a restaurant...spotted someone double dipping...gotten a gift you hated? America's etiquette expert Peggy Post comes to the rescue in this concise, readable book devoted to the top 100 etiquette issues everyone wonders about....Peggy addresses them as only she can––in her direct, fresh, unpretentious style. You'll learn how to politely say"no" to difficult requests, how to introduce someone if you've forgotten their name, damage control for email bloopers, what to do if people don't reply to your RSVP, how to actually get your kids to write thank–you notes, and much more. Peggy Post captures the essence of etiquette for today's world, distilled into the perfect gift book.

Ok, let's get right to it, shall we? Israelis right now are already laughing.

Chapter 2: Top 10 Nosy Questions and Quick Retorts
Q: "How much money do you make?"
A: "Not enough to buy the house that’s going up down the road!" Israelis, you can now make fun of Americans for being fake and passive-aggressive. How about "none of your business, assface. Any more questions?" Or "I'd rather not answer that question." Call me crazy.

Q: How much did you pay for that suit?
A: "Why, does it look expensive?" So clever! How did she DO that???

Q: “Have you had work done...like a facelift?"
A: "Hey, do I look younger? It must be all that clean living!”

What kind of person would ask that last question? And has Peggy written her follow-up book "Stupid Questions and the Morons Who Ask Them"?

If she were an Israeli woman her age, she's be naturally beautiful.
Of course, she'd also have bright red hair and dress like a 17 year-old.

Chapter 6: Cutting Ties with Your Hairdresser
"Breaking up with a hairdresser is like ending any relationship…the key is to be honest and polite." I guess so...if you're ****ing your hairdresser.

Ch. 12:"Excuse me, but I was next"
Ok, here we go....

Q: I was in a long line at store and waiting quite a while. A new line opened and the woman who just joined the end rushed to be the first one. The cashier started ringing her up. What should I have done?
A: Immediately say, "Excuse me, but I believe I was ahead of you." If he doesn’t retreat, don’t push, go speak to the manager.

We call this person a "freier". Can you say "freier", boys and girls? Talk to a manager??? Can you even imagine trying that here? "Nu, mah ani a’aseh??? Kacha zeh b’Yisrael!!!"

Peggy continues: "If you don't want to confront them, the antidote to rudeness is to kill 'em with kindness. " Ok, let me think about that for a second....HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whew, that was great! (laughing, wiping away tears) Kill 'em with kindness? How about with a machine gun? "At very least, it may shame them into acting more civilized." Freier.

You could also sing this fun song...

Why do people look upset here? This isn’t normal in America?
Do you know what we call it here? Tuesday.

Ch 22: Limits of Generosity
Q: When a co-worker miscarries, never say "it was for the best" or "it was God's will."

Gee, do you think so? Hey everybody! Be sure to buy next book from Peggy Post: "Excuse Me, But I Think You Just Ran Over My Dog", giving such useful tips as "Things Not to Say When Your Loved One Gains 700 Pounds"

Ch 28: Internet Dating Etiquette
"Post only an up-to-date photo." Listening, Jdaters? "Arrange a first meeting in a public place and limit the duration." If you don't know that, there's a reason you're single. Hmm...I've never met this guy....he won't divulge his job...he doesn't have pictures posted...I know! WEEKEND GETAWAY IN THE CAYMANS!

Ch 43: Dressing Downer
Q: When together with friends, my 15 year-old insists on wearing grungy jeans and a t-shirt. I tried to get him to dress nicer but he says that’s his style and to leave him alone.
Benji's A: Have you considered attending a wedding in Petach Tikva?

Ch 50: How to Eat a Cherry Tomato
I am not even kidding. LADY, IRAN IS DEVELOPING A NUCLEAR BOMB TO BLOW US ALL UP!!! FORGET THE CHERRY TOMATOES!!!

Ch 59: Flying the Unfriendly Skies
Q: I’m fed up with parents who let their children act up on airplanes. During the last few flights, I've been kicked, poked, and tormented with nonstop whining and tantrums. How do I make it stop?
Benji's A: Switch to Israir


And more....

Q: My wife’s company is holding a holiday party. I’m world’s worst communicator…advice?
A: "Be well versed on current events."

You know, like this lady.

"Steer clear of controversial topics."
So it wouldn't be wise to say "So I'm thinking about moving to Hebron...thoughts?"

Q: At a party, I started talking politics and the discussion got heated. The host seemed uncomfortable. I enjoy a good debate and think our argument was civil but my wife insists it was rude. Who’s right?
A: Discussion of an interesting topic can be a great party activity, provided no one curses or resorts to full-scale argument. Most subjects (the market, sports, politics) are fair game as long as the expresser rationally listens with an open mind and refrains from insisting too vehemently on his views. Unless the conversation amounted to all out verbal combat, it is not rude.
Benji's A: Were people screaming at each other and yelling "mah karah lecha???" If so, this is called talking. You are too sensitive.

PTA Pressures
Q: A parent from the PTA keeps calling me to help me with school projects but I’m overwhelmed with a job and kids. What should I do?

FOR THE LOVE OF G-D, SAY NO! Or say you have miluim (army reserves) for the next 6 months. That's the Israeli version of "ooooh, I wish I could but I have to wash my hair."

Telephone troubles
Q: As the pace of modern life speeds up, rudeness seems to escalate. Here are some of the most offensive and rude behaviors.
1) Cell yell: Broadcasting cell conversation in public as if the person were hard of hearing.

Dude, people are smoking IN THE MALL here. Do you think they give a rat's ass about whispering?
Example: I was in the bathroom at a restaurant and the woman next to me was on her cell phone! I was forced to listen while others waited. Is there anything I could have done?

Yes, politely ask her to use movie theater.

That'll teach him to talk on his cell phone.

2) Driving recklessly: Zipping from lane to lane and generally driving like maniac

Did that say manyak?

Q: I was 5 minutes late for interview. I didn’t get job even though I was qualified. Was lateness the reason.
Benji's A: 5 minutes??? YOU’RE HIRED!

Q: I am female and my male client likes to greet me with a kiss. It doesn’t bother me but my boss thinks it’s odd. Should I ask him to stop? I don’t want to offend him and possibly jeopardize our business relationship.
Benji's A: Has he considered running for Knesset?

Peggy Post is today’s recognized leading authority on etiquette. She was also rejected by Nefesh B'Nefesh and will never live in Israel.

Business in the Middle East (I Just Made Myself Laugh)

Businesses today face many challenges to keep up in the ever-changing world. Customers have many choices of whom to align themselves with. There's simply no time to fall behind.

That's where we at Deloitte & Touche Gaza Strip can help.


We know what it takes to build nimble, powerful alliances between warring terrorist factions. We can take your bomb factory and bring them into the 21st century (and to heaven.) We recognize the frustrations of a corrupt leadership and and will help you leverage your lawlessness with synergy in this Web 2.0 world.

Whether you want to re-engineer your bombs, create performance-based initiatives (and Kassams), or adapt enterprise-wide incitement, at the end of the day, we have the answers.

Deloitte & Touche Gaza Strip: The Power of Collaborative Innovation. And Bombs.

(Are they going to make me take this down? C'mon, D&T, it's funny. And the Google Alert is going off in 3...2...1...)

BREAKING NEWS: Two Jewish States!

Here's something I posted on Israelity the other day.

According to this story in Ynet, the religious organization SOS Israel is planning to set up a new state in the West Bank should the Israeli government decide to withdraw in a peace agreement. This, from Rabbi Shalom Dov Wolpo:

“First of all we must understand that ‘it will come to pass,’ in other words- to internalize the lessons of the cruel expulsion from Gush Katif and to cease living in illusions. It is upon us to choose if we want to be brought to the slaughter, God forbid, or to stand up for our lives against the government’s intentions. There is no doubt then that the only solution is to immediately declare the establishment of an autonomous Jewish state in Judea and Samaria. The time has come to seriously consider erecting a legal body that will unite the Jewish settlements in Judea and Samaria as a state-to-be,” Rabbi Wolpe wrote.

This is amazing, my loyal readers! Just over 100 years ago, Theodore Herzl dreamed of a Jewish state. Did anyone ever dream in this lifetime that we would see a second??? Just imagine…

Twice the pushing!

Twice the bureaucracy!

TWICE THE HOOTERS!!!!

A new Jewish state in the West Bank? WHY NOT???

Here is my nomination for the national anthem.

Two Jewish states...the possibilities are truly endless. Just one question: can we send the arsim to the other one?

No Need to Divide Jerusalem, There's Enough to Go Around

Before a recent trip to the nation's capital, I was surprised to learn from weather.com that Jerusalem was at the time 34 degrees but felt like 20. (I always wondered why they had to report both the actual temperature and the wind chill. "Today in Swampscott, it's 84 degrees and sunny but it feels like fourteen Kelvin." I JUST WANNA KNOW WHAT TO WEAR!!!! Will it be Jams or a turtleneck? Stop with all the numbers. (Ain't no way I'm not shooting to top of all the Jams Google searches after this. Ahh...brings me back to 5th grade. And who knows how to say "turtleneck" in Hebrew? Ten points for the first right answer.)

Once upon a time, everybody wore these. Really. No, seriously!

Aha-upon further investigation, I realized that I had accidentally selected "Jerusalem, Arkansas." Huh...that's interesting. Definitely not on my list of topdesired destinations any time soon. So just what is Jerusalem, Arkansas? How many Chassidim do they have there? What's on their Ben-Yehudah Street?

I thought I'd do a Super Bowl-style breakdown to see which place ranks supreme. Jerusalem, Arkansas (J-Ark) vs Jerusalem, Israel (JI). Let's do it.

NEWS
Surprisingly, a search of Google News revealed not even a single story for J-Ark. Slow day, I guess. In the Holy Land, in a landmark battle of the Israeli Football League, the Big Blue Jerusalem team trounced Mike's Place Tel Aviv, 48-6. You had to believe it to see it...in the final two minutes, Big Blue pulled off the rarely seen "triple schnitzel reverse" play, worth a whopping 43 points by Israeli rules, handing MP a painful defeat.
Advantage: JI

PEOPLE:
In an effort to meet a nice apartment-mate, I tried to register for J-Ark on roommates.com. After filling out the required fields, I was greeted with this message.

Internet fraud??? Who am I, David from "War Games"??? Contact customer support? No, thank you.

On the other hand, here is a recent email from my friend Lizzi in JI.

you know, even if i'm not around, which i won't be until later in the evening, feel free to hit ____# and come up (dial slowly) and put the key inside. blessings lizzi

That's hospitality, folks. I needed a place to stay and this local resident stepped up. (By the way, Lizzi, when you were away, I tried on all your clothes. Just kidding...OR AM I??????)
Advantage: JI, with some scared readers

DINING OUT: Hmm...where to eat in J-Ark? A search of restaurants revealed not even one on the unrivaled culinary source...umm...Big Daddy Data. And who is that character at the top of the screen, Barney's albino cousin? Put some clothes on and start reviewing restaurants, buddy.

JI? Here's a quick sample of local cuisine including the popular Tmol Shilshom cafe. I had some delicious salmon ravioli there once. And the sachlab...OOOOOH, THE SACHLAB!!!!!!
Advantage: JI

MOBILE HOME COMMUNITIES
What, you were hoping for a shutout?
Advantage: J-Ark

Take THAT, Israel.

FAMOUS FORMER RESIDENT
J-Ark? Yikes. Let's give a little help. About 175 miles down the road is the city of Hope. My American friends know who hails from there. A good friend of Israel, former President Bill Clinton. Whatever your politics, smart guy...compassionate. JI? Move over, Bill...check out your competition. Yep, she was born in the Holy City. Furthermore, she went to Hebrew U, helped Alan Dershowitz write "The Case for Israel", and has reportedly said that although she "really love[s] the States... my heart's in Jerusalem. That's where I feel at home". Take that and stick it somewhere, Talentless Biotch Formerly Known as Bar.
Advantage: JI

So there you have it, my loyal readers: Israel wins by a margin of 4-1. For those of you who were considering a move, consider yourself more informed. And next time you're checking the weather online, make sure to be pay attention. Especially if you're traveling here.

You're telling me, after that post, that you don't want to get updates delivered to your inbox? Not buying it for a second. Go sign up on the right. Do it.

ALIENS HAVE INVADED DELTA!!!!!

I am not one for conspiracy theories but something is amiss in Delta-Israel! Please see the letter I recently received from their customer service department after having problems during a recent check-in.


Some of the red flags:

• "Thank you..."
• "We are sorry..."
• "We regret that..."
• "...we apologize for..."
• "Again, thank you..."
• "...accept our sincerest apology..."
• And the kicker..."please find attached our check in the amount of...US$50."

Does anyone else see something strange going on??? There is only one plausible explanation: ALIENS HAVE INVADED DELTA AND ARE USING THEIR BODIES AS HOST ORGANISMS!!!

Does anyone have connections in the media??? Considering this letter is dated a month ago, they've done a great job of covering their tracks but they failed to recognize one thing: no American immigrant would ever believe this letter ever came from Israeli customer service.

So please, my loyal readers, spread the word, make a phone call, DO SOMETHING!!! THE FUTURE OF THE JEWISH STATE IS AT STAKE!!!

(My family members, if I mysteriously disappear in the immediate future, I love you. Please give my Aerosmith CDs to someone who'll appreciate them.)

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Intro to American Football

Before the new Israeli Football League kicks off this year, let's get a few things straight.

Israelis, here are our first lessons on American football:

1) You have seventeen chances to get three yards.
2) The object of the game is to hit the ball through the hoop before the other teams wins three sets.
3) And the average play looks pretty much like this one.

Yup, just your average touchdown.

Hello, (Nivit) Accidental (Bash) Google (Nivit) Visitors!

In the spirit of this post...and in honor of the testosterone-driven searchers who are ending up here on a daily basis...

NIVIT BASH NIVIT BASH NIVIT BASH!

And on top of that....
CHUMUS!
CHUMUS!
CHUMUS!

Get to work, Googlebots! Thank you for your patience.