Ech Omrim "Rat Race"? Never Mind...I Won't Understand Anyway

Hello, my loyal readers-how in the heck are you? I'm good. As expected, Yom Hazikaron and Yom Ha'atzmaut were simply amazing, moving, and inspiring. I can't seem to write about holidays in less than five billion words (see any past entry about a chag) so you can expect an update around the time Lag B'Omer rolls around. I have GREAT video from Kikar Rabin (and on the #18 bus interviewing some old lady)...anyboday want to come to my apartment and edit this stuff in iMovie?

So why am I too busy to write a recap? Because of my new job, that's why. And, boy, is it a challenge so far. Let me make this very clear: this is not a disgruntled employee about to complain about his job (if I did that in my blog, I'd be an idiot...especially because my department director is on the mailing list.) What this is is my sense of humor attempting to get me through this period. The people are amazing, I'm gonna love it, it's gonna be incredibly rewarding, but in the short term, in addition to some other factors, the language issue is proving to be a challenge. Which is kind of like saying "Siberia is proving to be chilly."

"Ech omrim 'it's two Kelvin'? It's cold as (falafel) balls."

When my co-workers are working till midnight before the insanely busy season (which is actually upon us), I'm trying to do the math to understand where I'm going to find more hours in the day. I have 70-something emails in my inbox, I can't read them because they're in Hebrew, and I'm superstressed. Time is of the essence, people, which is why I've developed some oleh chadash professional strategies to make it through my Hebrew work day. Here are some of them:

Stimulus:
Desk phone rings.

Response:
"Go to hell. I'm making snow angels on the Ayalon before I answer that."

Stimulus:
My inbox fills up.

Response:
Is it sent only to me? No? "Go to hell, I'm hitting delete, I don't care if it's Billy Bob Ben-Gurion telling me we're having Cosmos on Tuesday."

Stimulus:
Department meeting commences. Lasts two hours, all in Hebrew. "If there's something important, say it in the first hour before my brain shuts down." They could have announced that Steven Tyler was taking over lead vocals on the Kaveret reunion tour, I wouldn't have given a flying falafel.

How many Crembos could he fit in there? Three at least, right?

One positive development was when my boss mercifully switched my Windows to English which of course then switched the way the dates were written. Just after I had actually gotten used to the European style. An Outlook reminder pops up for a meeting on 5/7, last Wednesday, and the first thing that pops in my head is "Huh??? Why is this reminding me about a meeting on July 5th???"

Good thing we Jews have senses of humor. I'm going to need it.

Dr. Oh My Lord

When you move here, everyone reminds you to STOP CONVERTING INTO DOLLARS. Mostly because you don't MAKE dollars, so it's pointless. (If you don't live here and don't understand, trust me.)

Oh...and then there's the whole reason of not wanting to have a heart attack.

Here is the first Dr. Pepper I've ever seen in Israel after a late-night mee-nee-mahr-keht visit.


Here is the same Dr. Pepper with a view of the price tag.


Here is Ichilov Hospital which admitted me after falling into a catatonic state.

Looks like I'm switching to a new drink. Good thing there's not a water shortage in this country.

Oh wait...

"Two Egg Ro-olls and an Order of Chi-icken Fried Ri-ice"

We've aaaaaaaaall seen it. The menus with the typos. The weird-ass t-shirts. For the love of G-d, I think there's a typo in my company's freaking NAME! (As explained in the link, I'm not going to write it out here but shouldn't there be an 's in it?)


Fine, we're not in America. I get it. But if you were going to open a restaurant in China...wouldn't you want to have a Chinese person proofread your menu first???


Benji If I Were A Bad Businessman: "Hey, Mr. Wu! Today's opening day! I can't wait to serve our first sweet and sour chicken!"
Mr. Wu: "I mahst tell you, Meester. Lahv-eett! You use way too menny 's in the menu! You weel offend our pee-pehl!"


BIIWABB: "Who caaaaaaaaaaaares!?!? WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

If any Israelis are considering doing anything in English and would like proofreading and editing for reasonable prices, please contact me. And by "reasonable", I mean "it might be free unless I decide otherwise."


Anyway....check out this recent advertisement sent to me by the very funny Esther Kustanowitz who has articles and writing in more places than I can link to.


Huh??? They put the "class" in "business?" WHERE DID THEY PUT IT??? Ech omrim "you're missing a word there, achi"?


Hey, Israir, here's a slogan for you. "We put the D+ in Marketing."


Now...I've never flown them and will assume they're a nice airline. I don't want to sound like a jerk but I'm not a huge fan of the name. "Israir". It's pronounced "Isra-air." Shouldn't there be another "A"? Was Israel Air taken? I just think the name "Isra-air" is kind of stupi-id. But I wish them the be-est, really I do.

Deeeeeeeeeeeep Breaths

Here's a story passed on from a friend of mine which made me laugh (we'll call her "Melissa"...classic American Jew name). It sounds like we're cut from the same cloth.

I hear you about choking people who try to cut in line...

Every day I get stressed out waiting for the number 66 monit sheirut. People start to gather and sometimes when one arrives, they swarm. One day, I was there before anyone else and was waiting for at least 10 minutes (longer than usual). When it arrived, this guy started to walk in front of me to get on and I snapped at him (in Hebrew) "I WAS HERE BEFORE YOU!!!" He looked at me with a "jeez, crazy lady" look, then said "I know, don't worry." Of course when I get on, there are like 5 empty seats. I felt like such a schmuck.

I'm with you, Melissa, I'm with you.

Ok, and just because this made me laugh as well, in preparation for the big interview, she and I were engaged in a conversation about what Israeli women are looking for...a gever (a man) or a gever gever (uh...manly man?)

Gever gever is what you described earlier, the macho man of the house, my wife and kids will RESPECT me, kick some ass kind of guy.

Gever is a man who you have confidence in, is confident but not cocky. This is my main, simple definition. He is the opposite of a mama's boy. And it doesn't hurt if he knows how to change a tire (himself, no cheating by calling AAA) and how to set up a tent and build a fire. Don't know why, but those things came to mind. Silly definition I know, but it's mine.

Uhhhhh...anybody want to teach me how to set up a tent? I mean, teach someone else, I mean.... Do they call it Triple Aleph here?

"Ehhhhhhh............."
No, AAA!!!!!

More of “What the *$@# does that word say?”

Inspired by Pant Steak…

Who saw “Hisardut (Survivor)” last night? Great way to practice your Hebrew with the subtitles. Until I saw “גו גתר”.

Here was me sounding it out in the second before the audio caught up.

“Gav? Gav ga-TAHR?”

Oh GEEZ…

This is starting to require its own blog category…

Israeli Culinary Lesson #494

From the Department of What the Hell Was I Thinking?

I just ate lunch at a little place with home cooking. Feeling adventurous, I accepted the worker's offer to try the ghoulash-like dish which he referred to as "fajitas". Up to this point, I considered my worst decision in Israel to have been going to the mas hachnasa (income tax authority) three times in a week. There's a new #1 in town, folks.

And if I ever decide to eat "shakshuka" in Mexico City, please shoot me. Sorry, Big Felafel, still searching for Mexican food.

"The Wheels on the Bus Go....Back in Time"

I'll be honest, my loyal readers: I get lost. A lot. Well, not so much lost as simply unable to get where I'm trying to go. To get lost, you first should have had some idea of where you trying to get to before going astray. Me? I have no clue of where I'm headed.

I used to ask people here for directions until I figured this out. Often I try finding my way online but the transportation websites aren't always so helpful...remember this?

Just yesterday, I tried getting a bus route from the site of Dan, the bus company in Tel Aviv. This is what I saw on their "what's new" ticker.
Thank you for the up to date info, Dan Bus. If I was able to capture more of the headlines in this picture, you would have seen

"14.05.2001: Israel declares independence, webmaster returns after 53 year cigarette break"

Get with the program, Dan. I've got places to go.

When are Elections Again?

Is this some kind of joke?

Israel has informed the Palestinian Authority that it will stop pursuing 32 Fatah gunmen in the West Bank, a PA security official said Sunday. The official said the decision to pardon the gunmen belonging to Fatah's armed wing, the Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, came after a three-month "trial period" during which they had refrained from carrying out attacks against Israel.

TRIAL PERIOD??? Trial periods are for Adobe Acrobat, not for TERRORISTS!!! "Ehhh....dees guy tried to keel me! I want to return him. (pause) B'seder, for store credit then!"

"Not satisfied after 90 days?
Yiyeh b'seder! Do you have the original receipt?"

"The names of the gunmen have been completely removed from Israel's list of wanted Palestinians," the official said. "From now on the gunmen will be allowed to move around freely and without fear of being targeted by Israel."

Have you ever tried to get off a telemarketer's list? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! Unless you're a terrorist apparently. Next time Jerusalem Post calls me, I'm telling them my name is Jachnun Ahmed Malawach.

Over the past three months, the gunmen stayed in PA security installations after surrendering their weapons and signing a pledge to refrain from terror activities.

What this article failed to mention is that the gunmen pinky swore, crossed their hearts and hoped to die, and sang N'Sync's "This I Promise You."

From right to left: Justin Timberlake, Lance Bassafat...

Remember This Name

After these egregious offenses, I have developed what I call "Post-Traumatic Name Syndrome" where I become terrified at the sight of a coffee barista-type with a microphone, just waiting to scream "BAHN-gee" to the delight of everyone nearby. When they lean over to say a name, I jump, kind of like these guys.

Guess what I saw this weekend for the first time?
No way could Israelis pronounce Diggler's name. "DEH-rek?"

Fortunately, to my surprise, they got it right last week at Aroma. When I saw the receipt, saw why: they had actually entered my name in English.
Hmm...that's interesting. That can't be easy, right? To switch languages and hunt and peck for the English letters? Thank you, Aroma.

In the meantime, I've figured out a way to get revenge on people who call me "BAHN-gee". I tell them my last name is "Massachusetts." The next Israeli to say that correctly will be the first.

Benji Massachusetts: Coming to an Arena Near You.

An Israeli's Response to the Funniest Book in the History of the World

Here's one that's been sitting in my proverbial hopper for months, just waiting to be written (ech omrim "proverbial hopper"?) It's a long one...get ready.

On my last trip to the States, I came across this in the airport bookstore: "Excuse Me, But I Was Next: How to Handle the Top 100 Manners Dilemmas" by Peggy Post.

Over the next 45 minutes, I proceeded to be be drawn into one of the funniest books in the history of the world. Here's Amazon's description:

Have you ever been annoyed by cell phone yakkers, line–cutters, movie chatters, or noxious neighbors. . .

Yes, I have. And if you don't know where this is going, seriously, you're at the wrong website.

been confused about who pays at a restaurant...spotted someone double dipping...gotten a gift you hated? America's etiquette expert Peggy Post comes to the rescue in this concise, readable book devoted to the top 100 etiquette issues everyone wonders about....Peggy addresses them as only she can––in her direct, fresh, unpretentious style. You'll learn how to politely say"no" to difficult requests, how to introduce someone if you've forgotten their name, damage control for email bloopers, what to do if people don't reply to your RSVP, how to actually get your kids to write thank–you notes, and much more. Peggy Post captures the essence of etiquette for today's world, distilled into the perfect gift book.

Ok, let's get right to it, shall we? Israelis right now are already laughing.

Chapter 2: Top 10 Nosy Questions and Quick Retorts
Q: "How much money do you make?"
A: "Not enough to buy the house that’s going up down the road!" Israelis, you can now make fun of Americans for being fake and passive-aggressive. How about "none of your business, assface. Any more questions?" Or "I'd rather not answer that question." Call me crazy.

Q: How much did you pay for that suit?
A: "Why, does it look expensive?" So clever! How did she DO that???

Q: “Have you had work done...like a facelift?"
A: "Hey, do I look younger? It must be all that clean living!”

What kind of person would ask that last question? And has Peggy written her follow-up book "Stupid Questions and the Morons Who Ask Them"?

If she were an Israeli woman her age, she's be naturally beautiful.
Of course, she'd also have bright red hair and dress like a 17 year-old.

Chapter 6: Cutting Ties with Your Hairdresser
"Breaking up with a hairdresser is like ending any relationship…the key is to be honest and polite." I guess so...if you're ****ing your hairdresser.

Ch. 12:"Excuse me, but I was next"
Ok, here we go....

Q: I was in a long line at store and waiting quite a while. A new line opened and the woman who just joined the end rushed to be the first one. The cashier started ringing her up. What should I have done?
A: Immediately say, "Excuse me, but I believe I was ahead of you." If he doesn’t retreat, don’t push, go speak to the manager.

We call this person a "freier". Can you say "freier", boys and girls? Talk to a manager??? Can you even imagine trying that here? "Nu, mah ani a’aseh??? Kacha zeh b’Yisrael!!!"

Peggy continues: "If you don't want to confront them, the antidote to rudeness is to kill 'em with kindness. " Ok, let me think about that for a second....HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whew, that was great! (laughing, wiping away tears) Kill 'em with kindness? How about with a machine gun? "At very least, it may shame them into acting more civilized." Freier.

You could also sing this fun song...

Why do people look upset here? This isn’t normal in America?
Do you know what we call it here? Tuesday.

Ch 22: Limits of Generosity
Q: When a co-worker miscarries, never say "it was for the best" or "it was God's will."

Gee, do you think so? Hey everybody! Be sure to buy next book from Peggy Post: "Excuse Me, But I Think You Just Ran Over My Dog", giving such useful tips as "Things Not to Say When Your Loved One Gains 700 Pounds"

Ch 28: Internet Dating Etiquette
"Post only an up-to-date photo." Listening, Jdaters? "Arrange a first meeting in a public place and limit the duration." If you don't know that, there's a reason you're single. Hmm...I've never met this guy....he won't divulge his job...he doesn't have pictures posted...I know! WEEKEND GETAWAY IN THE CAYMANS!

Ch 43: Dressing Downer
Q: When together with friends, my 15 year-old insists on wearing grungy jeans and a t-shirt. I tried to get him to dress nicer but he says that’s his style and to leave him alone.
Benji's A: Have you considered attending a wedding in Petach Tikva?

Ch 50: How to Eat a Cherry Tomato
I am not even kidding. LADY, IRAN IS DEVELOPING A NUCLEAR BOMB TO BLOW US ALL UP!!! FORGET THE CHERRY TOMATOES!!!

Ch 59: Flying the Unfriendly Skies
Q: I’m fed up with parents who let their children act up on airplanes. During the last few flights, I've been kicked, poked, and tormented with nonstop whining and tantrums. How do I make it stop?
Benji's A: Switch to Israir


And more....

Q: My wife’s company is holding a holiday party. I’m world’s worst communicator…advice?
A: "Be well versed on current events."

You know, like this lady.

"Steer clear of controversial topics."
So it wouldn't be wise to say "So I'm thinking about moving to Hebron...thoughts?"

Q: At a party, I started talking politics and the discussion got heated. The host seemed uncomfortable. I enjoy a good debate and think our argument was civil but my wife insists it was rude. Who’s right?
A: Discussion of an interesting topic can be a great party activity, provided no one curses or resorts to full-scale argument. Most subjects (the market, sports, politics) are fair game as long as the expresser rationally listens with an open mind and refrains from insisting too vehemently on his views. Unless the conversation amounted to all out verbal combat, it is not rude.
Benji's A: Were people screaming at each other and yelling "mah karah lecha???" If so, this is called talking. You are too sensitive.

PTA Pressures
Q: A parent from the PTA keeps calling me to help me with school projects but I’m overwhelmed with a job and kids. What should I do?

FOR THE LOVE OF G-D, SAY NO! Or say you have miluim (army reserves) for the next 6 months. That's the Israeli version of "ooooh, I wish I could but I have to wash my hair."

Telephone troubles
Q: As the pace of modern life speeds up, rudeness seems to escalate. Here are some of the most offensive and rude behaviors.
1) Cell yell: Broadcasting cell conversation in public as if the person were hard of hearing.

Dude, people are smoking IN THE MALL here. Do you think they give a rat's ass about whispering?
Example: I was in the bathroom at a restaurant and the woman next to me was on her cell phone! I was forced to listen while others waited. Is there anything I could have done?

Yes, politely ask her to use movie theater.

That'll teach him to talk on his cell phone.

2) Driving recklessly: Zipping from lane to lane and generally driving like maniac

Did that say manyak?

Q: I was 5 minutes late for interview. I didn’t get job even though I was qualified. Was lateness the reason.
Benji's A: 5 minutes??? YOU’RE HIRED!

Q: I am female and my male client likes to greet me with a kiss. It doesn’t bother me but my boss thinks it’s odd. Should I ask him to stop? I don’t want to offend him and possibly jeopardize our business relationship.
Benji's A: Has he considered running for Knesset?

Peggy Post is today’s recognized leading authority on etiquette. She was also rejected by Nefesh B'Nefesh and will never live in Israel.

THIS IS WAR, YOU BASTARDS

Only one week ago, I wrote about the tendency for people to mispronounce my name here. Apparently "the gods" did not look favorably on this post and have decided to wage all-out war on me.

I got my first tlush maskoret (salary statement) last week from work. Here's part of it.


Don't see anything fishy? Let's take a closer look at the employee's name, shall we?Are you freaking kidding me? Forget the fact they spelled my last name wrong. Americans, I'll help you out. In case you can't tell the difference between בנג'י and בנגיי, one is a nickname for Benjamin and the other targets deep, penetrating heat right at the source of your pain so you can get the relief you need.

This analgesic heat rub is sold by Johnson & Johnson and currently
holds down a job in Herzliya Pituach.

This is the biggest professional slap since this incident described to my friends 8 years ago.

Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 10:33:39
From: "Benjamin Lovitt"
Subject: Reason number 832 why I hate my job: the X-Mas bonus
To:

Dear Bosses,
Very funny, you bastards. Like I really need a $35 gift certificate to the Honey Baked Ham store for X-Mas. That's going to do my Jewish ass a lot of good.

When we do the gift swap at the company party and you get a box of matza from me, you'll know why.

Benji

I guess it could be worse. I could be this guy.

Michael Steinhardt Can Not Be Happy About This

Hot off the presses. Just a couple of hours ago, I visited a friend of mine at Tel Aviv's Independence Hall who is staffing a birthright israel trip. That's Independence Hall, the building where Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion addressed the nation and signed the Declaration of Independence on May 14, 1948. If you visit this site today, you can hear the inspirational speech he gave that very day.

Mmm...gives me chills just hearing it. I could have almost used a scarf. Or the next best thing, like A FREAKING KEFFIYAH AS THIS TRIP PARTICIPANT CHOSE TO WEAR.

Nice fashion choice, lady. Because nothing says Zionism like Arafat's headscarf. At least I can "boast" that she was NOT on an American delegation.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go read "Exodus" once or thrice.

SAY IT! SAY IT!

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

-Some old dude

B-Shakes knew what he was talking about. The rose may smell as sweet but they're not calling it the same thing all around the world. Whether you call me Joe Montana or Flowers McGee, it doesn't change the fact that I can't throw a football. That said, would it kill people in this country to call me by my actual name?

"To be...or not to be?
That is the.....ehhhhhhhhh.........NU!"

For the sake of this example, let's say we're all Americans. Ok, now everybody eat a Big Mac and act fake. Ha ha. (C'mon, I make fun of the Israelis all the time, it's all in good fun. OR IS IT??? High-five, Israelis!) You've just met a nice Israeli who's moved to the States; in fact, you're a teacher and he's one of your students. You see his name written on the roll sheet but there's a vowel missing. The name reads "Mrdechai."

When calling his name, do you say...?
A) Mardechai
B) Murdechai
C) Mordechai
D) This is America! You'll go by Morty and like it!

(My senior year, we had an Israeli kid named Yuval enroll in the school. He joined my gym class where the other boys proceeded to call him "Yuvie." How endearing. As far as these people were concerned, he was what sunglasses were supposed to protect them from.)

If you said C, you guessed correctly. If you said D, you are very multi-cultured.

So why is it so hard for people here to pronounce "Benji"? BEN-gee!!!

SAY IT! SAY IT, DAMMIT!!!

New Years Eve, I'm at Karnaf, this wrap place with my friends Ziv and Amalia. We place our orders and wait for them to call our names over the mic. "Zeev!" Check. "Amalia!" Check. "Bahn-gee!" My friends laughed hysterically and the truth is, I did too. How could I not? Aside from the fact that over the microphone, most of the Middle East probably heard it, it's ridiculous that when Israelis say my name, they apparently think I'm named for this.

Really? בנג'י is so foreign? It's not obvious that it's connected to "Benjamin" or בנימין? I never had a name that I had to explain in the States, like my co-worker "Brannon" who introduced herself as "Dannon" with a "Br-". I guess I'd better get used to it.

Either that or start going by "Dudu." Of course that raises a whole nother series of issues.

This is Where My Taxes are Going?

As if this wasn't silly enough...

Now it turns out that the Knesset may be renaming the term "maternity break" because it implies that mothers are on some kind of vacation.

“The word ‘break’ makes it seem as though the parents are taking a long vacation on a beach somewhere, and can then return to work tanned, rested and happy,” says MK Melchior.

“The truth of the matter is that the exact opposite is true: The months following the birth of a child are a trying, exhausting, time for new parents, and are incredibly demanding both physically and mentally.

In an unrelated story, a group of pregnant mothers have submitted an initiative to rename the government. Said twenty-nine year old Ruti Guf-tov, "The word 'government' makes it seem as though our representatives are leading our country."

Because this delicious snack contains neither chicks nor peas, effective immediately,
it will henceforth be referred to as Michelle.

Eat Your Heart Out, Ray's Pizza

In the spirit of Ray's, Famous Ray's, Original Ray's, and the like...

From Sunday's New York Times Magazine...the Ethicist!

While negotiating the sale of his share of a small shawarma restaurant to a friend of his, my husband learned that a famous shawarma chain is opening a branch near the restaurant. He fears that if he tells the friend, he will back out of the deal. It feels wrong to withhold this information. Must he tell? — Wendy Schor-Haim, Tel Aviv

Famous shawarma chain??? Huh? Yeah, because any Israeli can recite on command the top 10 famous shawarma places. That's like saying "Tel Aviv's famous stray cat." These places aren't exactly known for their differentiation.

Without further ado...Israel's top 10 famous shawarma places!!!

10) The one on the corner with this poster

Yeah, that narrows it down.

5) The one with the Baba Sali on the wall

4) The one where the guy behind the counter is extremely proficient not only at cramming as many tosefot (additions) into the pita as possible, but doing so only seconds after finishing his cigarette. Ech omrim "wash your hands, Shmulik"?

Ok, that's enough...

So what did the Ethicist say?

Each party in the sale of a company is expected to exercise due diligence on his own behalf, availing himself of public information like that surrounding a famous chain’s expansion plan. Seller and buyer must respect the law and fair business practices, but because each party wants to maximize its benefit at the other’s expense, both must also heed the rule of caveat emptor.

Fair business practices? Dude, have you been here before? I have to threaten civil litigation to convince the taxi driver to use the meter! "No, I will not pay 50 shekels to get from Ben-Yehudah to the shuk! I can see it from here!"

How Israeli cab drivers apparently see Americans

So how did the story end? Happily, as the shawarma rumor turned out to be just that...a rumor. A national pizza chain came in its place. Mmm...pizza.

For another Israel-related Ethicist question...

(Thanks, Larry and Nadine.)

Seriously, Ynet?

I'm one more ridiculous headline this week from making a Ynet category in this blog. This is what greeted me when I clicked onto their site this morning.


Most Israelis are not racist. They spent money on a poll to tell us this? Wow-way to raise the bar, populace. What's tomorrow's paper going to say?

"Poll: Most Israelis do not beat their dogs after snorting cocaine."

So Much for this Journalist Winning the Pulitzer Any Time Soon...

Ok, I hate to draw attention away from anything but the disgusting, sad topic of this article, but the author makes it so hard not to.Really? THAT'S the word of choice? Would "go number one" have put this article over the maximum word count? Sorry to make light of this but, please, a little journalistic integrity?

Update (5:18 PM): They changed the wording. How thoughtful.

New to this war zone??? Sign up for updates on the right for more good times. Welcome, readers of Jeneration, a new site backed by the Reform movement in the UK.

Damn You, Bird

To the bird who lost his bowels on my In N' Out shirt on the clothesline...

1) I hope you die a quick death.
2) Can you say "Alka Seltzer?"

Oh, those crazy talkbackers

I have a love/hate relationship with online news. I like the immediacy of it but I hate…ok, I’ll say it. I hate the commenters at the bottom. At least when it comes to the Middle East. Could these individuals be the most angry, hateful people on the planet?

Average exchange…

Article: “The peace talks began in Annapolis today…”

Commenter: “I HATE ISRAEL!!! DEATH TO THE ZIONISTS!!!” Signed, Tom from Cleveland

The article could be about anything. “Falafel is a tasty snack.” THE OCCUPATION MUST END!!!!

How could this cause so much anger in the world?

This just in! The Guinness Book of World Records has just confirmed this record-breaking achievement: just a few minutes ago, in only a single comment, a commenter managed to insert politics into a conversation that it had no business being in.

This Ynet article announces the brand-new 2 shekel coin entering circulation. What is the very first response?

Ugly but...the only nice thing about it is that it has Arabic letters! The language of the native of people of Palestine.

-Samadar _____, Jerusalem, Palestine

Mazal tov, Samadar! Guinness has also confirmed that you have more time than anyone in the world. Your prize is a lifetime subscription to every cable channel on TV and a free Tivo. That should help fill your schedule.

Update! (5:17 PM)
Comment #2: #1 shut up. you ignorant fool (ari)

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!!

If I Move Back to America, This Will Be Why

Security? SECURITY??? When people say life in Israel is hard, this is what they're talking about.

My socks, after falling to their tragic death.
WHY DON'T THEY SHOW THIS ON CNN???

Fortunately, we have waitresses that look like this to make us forget about laundry stress.

My visiting friend Amir, smiling like it's class picture day.

I really need to begin my weekly Tuesday Israeli Hottie series already. Coming soon.