Omig-d, 50% of My Body is Now Hamburger

It's Yom Ha'atzmaut, which is Hebrew for "go to the park and eat a cow". It's all about the mangal (barbeque grill). Much to say about this incredible day...but no energy to put the proverbial pen to paper right now. (Ech omrim "proverbial pen"?)

In the meantime, here's a recent article I wrote for PresenTense Magazine, a relatively new Jewish monthly mag. The theme of the issue is, what else? Israel's 60th and the topic of the article is Facebook in Israel. Enjoy...and chag ha'atzmaut sameach!

Future advertisement for Goldstar? I'm waiting by the phone...

Benji Massachusetts Travel Announces New Trips to Sderot!

Here's a recent Ynet column which I found to be a must-read. The author describes what the Kassams have done to....ummmm...."intimacy" in Sderot.

Sderot is not Tel Aviv. Here you will not find pick-up bars or crowded pubs, and it is not easy to find a partner for a one-night stand. Usually, I have been told, relationships here develop slowly and surely, and only the crackling rocket alert loudspeaker serves to accelerate the process. Indeed, the Qassam rockets are an effective and active matchmaker.

Who wants to be alone when rockets are landing around here? At times of distress, we all need an embrace, a shoulder to cry on, a warm chest, and a comforting and protective body: I don’t want to stay alone tonight, so stay with me - simple words that connect people and arouse hidden desires.

In order to support the economy of our barraged Negev town, it is with great excitement that the Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency announces its new vacation package to Sderot. This package is open to singles only and will begin with a "mifgash" component through which Tel Aviv residents will be paired up with singles of Sderot. The mifgash will take participants to a local winery to enjoy delicious Israeli wines. (In the absence of local wineries, participants will proceed directly to the hosts' residence to discuss current events, take part in social activism, and get drunk.) This is the "home hospitality" portion of the trip, designed to strengthen connections between the two cities, or whatever.

First and last stop on the tour: Motel Shesh.
I hope they serve V-Shmoneh.

The bus will leave immediately after the completion of the hospitality component, no later than 4 AM, due to our very important meeting in the morning.

To any Israelis who have not yet been to Sderot, I highly encourage you to go and there's no better way than on an organized tour.

Benji Massachusetts Travel: Connecting People

"Eets a Small World Eeeeeeh.....fter All..."

Holy hafuch, Batman....I don't know how long I can keep up these 11:30 PM posts...at least not after I get home from work at 9:30 PM. With 24 minutes left in Israel, I need to put this April posting record out of reach. I feel like Barry Bonds in 2001 (minus the steroids).

So all my Jewish readers (most of you) have probably figured out that the Jewish world is ridiculously small. When you're Jewish, it's small. When you grew up in a youth group or summer camp, it's really small. When you also lived in NY, it's even smaller. When you also moved to Israel, it gets even smaller. And when you do all of these things AND work in the Jewish community...good Lord, I think I'm 2 Facebook degrees removed from Bar Kochba. (Not to brag but he poked me.)

Here are only the most recent example of how small my world is. In less than 24 hours:
1) The guy I'm replacing hands me the phone the other day. It's Amy, a woman who currently works for Young Judaea who came aboard after I left (we met last year). Turns out that this guy helped arrange for her to do Year Course program promotions to his teen groups. I'll now be arranging this.

2) Hitching a ride with my friend Shara from Tel Aviv on road 443, I call my department director Meir to let him know I'm running late. He asks where I am. I tell him. He says "get out of the car, I'll pick you up." About 2 minutes later, I'm in his car.

3) Fast forward half an hour-I make my way to the mini-kitchen (because G-d forbid anyone starts their morning in this country without first injecting a cannister of Maxwell House into their veins. I know we don't have a Constitution in Israel but if we did, wouldn't it protect the right to drink coffee from 9-10 AM?) Who's making coffee? My dear friend Emil, former co-worker from YJ, who stopped by to do whatever shlichim do at the Chavaya Yisraelit (I think they just come by to learn new Hebrew slang that they've missed out on and drink coffee.)

How come every time I drink coffee,
I feel like I'm watching a commercial from 1987?

4) Replaced dude hands me the phone again to speak with someone else who he works with. It's my adopted kibbutz mother from 15 years ago, Leah. Seems that I'll be doing something with her too. When she stopped by the office today, she brought me a box of dates. Why are people so nice in this country? SERIOUSLY???

5 and 6) New co-worker who drove me in today dated a girl I met in the job I just quit....guy who drive me home has a cousin who just started at the place I just quit.

I haven't collected any empirical data yet but I have a theory that there are actually only seven Jews in the world. I'll get back to you on that.

28 posts this month with 2 minutes to spare.

Just because...

Well, It Was Fun While It Lasted...Get Ready, I'm About to Get Serious Again

Any of my long-time readers notice the serious amount of posts over the last month? Let's just say that I've had a fair amount of time on my hands. April officially became my most prolific month of writing last week and with a few more good days, the previous record of 21 posts in December was going to be left behind like a piece of half-eaten shnitzel at closing time. (I don't know what it means either, I'm riffing, baby!)

Much as it pains me to make fun of this wonderful country less than the current pace (especially after hitting 'refresh' on my statcounter every 3.4 seconds since March), be prepared, it's about to happen. For a good cause.

Anyone who knows me knows that my connection to this country comes from many years of involvement in Young Judaea, both as a kid and as a professional. (Ech omrim "product placement"? I should really get paid for these plugs. "I sure do love blogging! And when I'm done, nothing hits the spot like a big-ass bag of bissli grill! Those salty corkscrewed critters go crunch! and remind me what it means to be Israeli. So head on down to your local makolet today and remember who sentcha!" cha-CHING! 10 shekels)

This just paid for my arnona.

In the past few months, I've done a few different jobs to "pay the bills" as we say while watching some other really amazing things materialize in my spare time (like the recent Ynet article for example, if you didn't already receive it from me on email, Facebook, Twitter, Friendster, MySpace, postal mail, carrier pigeon, Morse code...)

However, all the exciting stuff hasn't changed the fact that something's not right in my life. Life ain't easy as an oleh chadash and anyone who's ever done it knows what I'm talking about. I'm not going to go into detail but there are ups and downs. One of my personal stumbling blocks to my complete surprise has turned out to be Hebrew. A year and a half ago, I was flying, learning left and right and actually noticing improvement on a daily basis. Yeah, that changed. For a number of reasons, I think my Hebrew has stayed the same and truthfully even gotten worse since this time last year. Any desire I had to make flash cards, translate hip-hop songs into Hebrew (I was singing the chorus of "Ice Ice Baby" to my friend Ziv back in high school), and call my friends fun and inappropriate words has sadly dwindled into nothing. Not being able to communicate is one of the most frustrating feelings I experience and drives me batty. Making a decent salary and making people laugh at arsim just isn't enough...something's missing.

What do you mean "Kerach Kerach Tinok" isn't the correct translation?

Drastic times call for drastic measures. I simply am unable to work for the man, just as I wasn't able to back in the day before I made the big switch to the Jewish world. Good bye, decent pay and short commute. Hello, new job! Tomorrow I begin my working for Israel Experience, the tour operator within the Jewish Agency for Israel. I'll be doing the exact opposite of what I did in New York for Young Judaea: convincing families not to come to Israel for the experience of a lifetime.

(Did anyone believe that? If so, please stop reading.)

Instead of marketing youth programs, I'll be handling the other side of the coin, actually building the programs from this side of the ocean. One of my biggest clients will be birthright israel and I'll be picking hostels, tour guides, hikes, speakers, etc. and making sure the group's needs are being met when they're here. It should be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling and I'll eventually be reporting to someone I've worked with before, the former director of YJ's national summer camp in New York, Camp Tel Yehudah. (Isn't "camp" a weird first name? His parents were hippies. Ok, did anyone believe that? I am losing new readers by the paragraph.)

The work will be great, the environment will be a HEBREW-speaking one, and I think I'm going to love it. As for the daily posts? Well, it was fun while it lasted.

At least I left my last job laughing. I'm sorry, there's nothing funnier than an Israeli singing "Spi-dehr-peeg? Spi-dehr-peeg!" in a heavy Middle Eastern accent. I really need a hidden camera.

List This

Last week, I went to an Israel21c happy hour hosting a group of techie bloggers from the Bay Area with What War Zone??? secret field correspondent "Melissa." The group was brought over by the Israeli Consulate in San Francisco, presumably to see life in Israel, our impressive hi-tech industry, and so on.

Upon entering, Melissa and I surveyed the premesis and after about five seconds, darted STRAIGHT for the fries. I ask you this, my loyal readers: at any point in life, does free food lose any of its luster? Are we too old to get excited by this? To be fair, we were both starving but the fact that it was on the house just added to the experience. (Did I mention the salad and bruschetta? Mmmmm.......)

If you stare at it long enough, you can actually see into heaven.

When shmoozing with a couple of people, one guy started to mention a couple of tech/media conferences he had recently been to: Com.Vention and Kinnernet. I wanted to say, "Umm…do you have a speech impediment?" Turns out...they're just clever names. Those tricky, tricky techies!

I managed to get a photo with one of the delegation participants. Anybody want to take a guess as to this man's identity?

Who's the guy on the left?
If he looks happy to be in this picture with me,
you might want to get your monitor looked at.

Do People Lie on Their Resumes Here Too?

Post 2 of 2 today...

I'm writing a short humor piece about looking for a job in Israel. Is the process different from in the States or other countries? Job descriptions, interviews, customs, etiquette? Send me any observations or funny stories and we'll see what happens.

The Shawarma-nator

And now…a look at life in Israel.

(2 minutes before this exchange, a co-worker I barely know invited me to his Seder. Good Lord, Israelis are the most hospitable people in the universe.)

Benji: Why are Israelis so nice? You can’t go to miluim (army reserves), we need KILLERS!
Co-worker: I become a kee-lehr, you have to make deh sweetch.
Benji: How do you do it?
Co-worker: You hev to do eet…you heve to be dee-fehr-ent on deh battlefield.
Benji: What about “Uri”, he can’t be a killer. (pointing to other really nice co-worker).
Co-worker: Uri, tell heem how we make deh sweetch.
Uri: (doesn’t even turn his head from computer, without flinching) No mohr Meester nice guy.

I’m sorry, I don’t care what your politics are, that’s funny. I swear that was from a Schwarzenegger movie.

"I'll be back...with a falafel."

Here’s another short exchange from last week when I was out with a couple of co-workers past midnight.

Benji: I will never believe how little sleep I have gotten since moving here! I would neeeeeeeeeeeever be out this late on a weeknight in America!
Lady: Israelis know how to hev fahn, you know!
Benji: It’s crazy! We have to wake up in the morning!
Lady: In Israel, you have fun tonight because tomorrow you can die.

This honesty moment has been brought to you by the number “taysha.”

New Column Out

My monthly column in the Atlanta Jewish Times's monthly supplement is out. Although I only put pen to paper a few weeks ago, it's safe to say this column has been running around my head for the better part of 15 years.

This month's theme is "Fashion and Beauty". It's a good one...

For hilarious email or RSS updates, take care of business over to the right. (Yes, that's a technical term. And what's not hilarious about RSS? I don't even know what I'm talking about...)

Abu Lovitt is Now Terrified to Order in Restaurants

They're calling out to Abu Lovitt again and this time it's from my office computer.

I did eat chumus in Abu Gosh a few weeks back. Could this have anything to do with it? Or maybe it's my dirty Arabic vocabulary.

On that note, good Lord, are you people familiar with the food called koosemet? If that's hasn't caused hilarious and embarrassing social interactions, then my name is Billy Ray Chickpea. That's like eating from an American salad bar and having to ask the kitchen worker if they have more "mothertucker."

Aleph, can someone tell me how to say "koosemet" in English and, bet, if you don't understand what this is all about...umm...I don't know what to tell you.

How Can Someone Wet Her Pants But Still Conjugate in Passive Tense?

Good morning, my loyal readers-I hope to have my Purim update online in the next 24 hours. I’m having some logistical issues in the camera department which will be resolved soon. As always, it was a nice holiday experience. I hope you all had a chag sameach and to any of my Christian readers (do I have any Christian readers?), a happy Easter to you.

Today is our company costume contest and several employees brought their kids to work. Lemme tell you…there is nothing cuter than little Israeli kids (quite possibly because they represent the small segment of the population whose Hebrew is on my level). And of course, when you see a baby, a dog, or a kid in the office, you are bound by the laws of physics to drop what you’re doing and pay attention to them.

So when I saw a little 5 year-old in costume, I made my way over to say hello. No matter what the language, you assume your “talking to a little kid voice” with inflections and slow pace of speech.

“Boker toooooooov! (Good morning)”
“Bat kamah aaaaaaht? (How old are you?)”
“Sorry, we’re aaaaaaaall out of Absolut.” Just kidding.

I always wonder…what do little kids think about immigrants who speak another language? At what age do kids understand the presence of different languages and countries? Did this kid think I was an alien? I assume Israeli kids figure it out faster than Americans because of all the English in their lives, starting with on television.

After about a minute of conversing, I said to the girl in Hebrew, “I think that your Hebrew might even be better than mine!”

She replies, “I know.”

Are they just born honest here or what? Is there even a translation for “white lie” in this country? Throw me a bone, kid.

Is there another situation in which a five year-old is better than you in some area? I don’t care who you are, that sucks.

A classic comedy about a man who must be brutally honest with everyone around him.
In Israel, this movie is translated as “Tuesday”.

Update: I just heard the girl speaking Russian to her father. I feel dumb.

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcast to Make Fun of Americans

Lioz Shem-Tov is an Israeli comedian who recently was invited to audition for the next season of “Last Comic Standing.” Apparently the show, in an effort to become more interesting, has decided to open their doors to a few international performers. Lioz flew to Miami and was invited to come back for the next round in Vegas. A free trip to Vegas would be exciting for anyone but for someone living outside of the States, it’s even a bigger deal. (I want to use the word “chul” here but I know it’s not correct. Is there a word for “American chul”?)

Last night, Lioz calls me with help understanding a letter he got from someone at the show. (Raise your hand, olim, if THAT sounds familiar.) The conversation went something like this.

Lioz: “ ‘Please let us know where you will be location-wise on March 27^th.’ What eez thees? What does thees mean?”

Benji: “They just want to know where you will be on March 27^th so they can reach you. Your location.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘location-WISE’?”

Benji: “It just means location. (starting to laugh) I can’t explain it. It’s dumb.”

Lioz: “What eez ‘wise’? WHY DEH ‘WISE’? ”

Benji: (laughing hysterically now) “English is dumb. Forget the ‘wise.’

Ok, can we please settle this once and for all? As stated here, my fellow Americans, there is nothing correct about sticking “-wise” at the end of any word you want. Can we stop it?

This is a good resource, reference bookwise.

Bad English:
“Those treats were pretty good, candy applewise.”
“He’s a good basketball player, shooting guardwise.”
“It was naaaaaaaaaaaasty stuff, falafelwise.”

If you’re using “falafelwise” in a game of Scrabble, you’re cheating. (Did I beat this to death, dead horsewise? Ech omrim "dead horsewise"?) Maybe the English Ulpan idea isn't bad after all...

Happywise Purimwise, everybody! A holiday update coming soon…

De What???

Just a couple of days ago, I wrote about my effort to buy Pant Steak from the store. That was just the most recent example of my attempt to read English words in Hebrew which all Americans know are the toughest ones to make out. Just a few days later, I ran into another problem when looking at my bank account online.

Second to last transaction...“Who in the hell is De Na-SHON Tar-PEEK?”

Anyone want to take a stab? Or you can give up and check my Facebook profile. I laughed out loud really hard when I figured it out.

And since I volunteered a prize which I now have to pay up, Silver Spring Alan, if you email me a topic about something silly in Israel, I will write about it. (Lame prize? I couldn’t think of anything else…what, you think I’m making mad cash off this site? (Ech omrim “mad cash”?))

Postscript: Ok, so after a little bit of thought, perhaps it's best to not have my company name show up on this blog. After all, b'Yisrael yesh Goo-gehl (written like it's pronounced...and yes, a few weeks ago, my roommate actually "corrected" my pronunciation.

Somewhere in the middle of a discussion...

Benji: "Google."
Roommate: "Goo-gehl"
Benji's brain: "Did that just happen?")

So Miss Worldwide, you were correct in your second comment which has since been deleted. The rest of you...if you can't figure it out, hey, welcome to Israel.

Thank You for Not Smoking (Except for in the Stairwell, You Freaks of Nature)

Two days in a row, my loyal readers...we're baaaaaaaaaaack!!!

Ok, we already talked about aliens invading Delta-Israel. I don’t want to be an alarmist or anything but I just got a company email which makes me question who wrote it. This sounds way too American to have been written by an Israeli.

Hi All,

It has come to our attention that some people have been smoking inside the building, where it's strictly prohibited.

We kindly ask you not to smoke inside the building/public areas. Smoking is permitted only in designated areas.

Thank you four your cooperation
in this matter,

The Administration Dept.

Here’s how I would have written it after one-and-a-half years of living in Israel.

Ehhhhhhh…chevre!
To ev-rybody who smoke inside….mah, atem dafukim l’gamre???

(optional open-palm wrist twist for residents of Bat Yam and Holon)

B’simcha,
Moshik, Mankal

(Do you like how I completely ignore the part about PEOPLE SMOKING INSIDE AN OFFICE??? Hey, I’m Israeli. Should I also make fun of the sun rising in the east?)

Udi: "Why is he posting a picture of an ICU?"

Anat: "ICU??? I thought eet wahz smoking lounge!!!"

Where Do I Find an Ulpan for English?

Hello, my loyal readers. Sorry for the recent lack of posts. Life as an oleh chadash is busy as always and I’ve had a packed few weeks with stand-up shows and other things. A couple weeks back, I was asked to perform for at a conference for Techshoret, an organization of technical writers and communicators. Here’s a short clip (if you don’t find Microsoft Word jokes amusing, feel free to call us dorks and keep on reading.....yes, I was a technical writer back before I realized that this type of writing is far more rewarding).

What else can I tell you from my last couple of weeks? Just a couple of thoughts:

• I know this isn't news and, yes, I might be the last person to figure this out, but Machaneh Yehudah kicks the hoo-ha out of Shuk HaCarmel (ech omrim "hoo-ha"?) I was in Jerusalem last Shabbat and had a lovely walk thru the shuk (does the use of the word "lovely" automatically make me old or am I aging regardless of my vocabulary?) Ten minutes in the Tel Aviv shuk on a Friday makes me want to put my head through a window. (Ech omrim "put my head through a window"?)
• Now that winter seems to be officially over....wow, that was pretty brutal, Tel Aviv. I don't know how we did it. In the meantime...see you at the beach!!!
  

I think that's all for now. I've missed you guys!!! (Anybody still here?)

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

Do you like impressions? Here is my impression of me examining various cleaning products at the store earlier this week.

“Panat…pantastayak…what the hell is Pant Steak?”

The first non-Israeli to correctly identify this word wins a prize.

(Thanks, Stacey, for the graphic.)

Who Needs a Vacation?

My dear friend Sarit keeps urging me to get back to writing about my life and the ridiculous experiences I have (you know, like with Israeli model Nivit Bash or with the human….um, the guys dressed up in costume). I know, I need to; it’s just more time-consuming and I’m a perfectionist with what I write on here. And when the ridiculous headlines come into the war zone, they’re impossible to resist.

Now...it wasn't long ago that this story ran in Jpost, exposing the sex habits of Israeli women. So to speak. Jewish hornballs launched an attack on that server in an lightning-quick strike that would have made Moshe Dayan proud. The offensive was led by me and Lieutenant General Tal A. as we single-handedly visited this page 120,000 times in one hour forwarding it to our friends. (The Lieutenant General's last name is being kept confidential for security reasons. That or because he told me he doesn't want people to see this when they Google him.)

Out of our way, women and children! We have an article to read!
On second thought, women, you can stay.

Well, guess what? Haaretz is getting in on the action with this story about Israeli women and what they like to do on vacation.

For Israeli women, going on vacation means more sex and lots of touristy activities - whether they are with their partners or not…. Such are the findings of a new study of the sexual behavior of vacationing Israeli women, conducted by the Department of Hotel and Tourism Management at Ben-Gurion University of the Negev…..

The study's findings show that having sex is an important factor in a woman's satisfaction from her tourism experience. In some cases, it is even an essential element and/or a motivating factor for the vacation, meaning that the vacation is perceived as an opportunity for a couple to conduct their sexual relationship in a new, relaxed environment……a trip backpacking was described by participants in the study as an opportunity to have casual sex in a foreign environment. In such instances, the number of sex partners increases….

In an unrelated note, it is with great excitement that I would like to announce the launching of my new business venture, Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency. When you travel with tour guide Benji Massachusetts, you can be sure you are getting the finest in relaxed environment, the finest in trip backpacking, and the finest in whatever the hell else these women said they wanted.

It's amazing how quickly you can throw
an office together during your lunch break.

We currently offer trips to Thailand, South America, the Far East, and for women hailing from rural Israel who consider Tel Aviv to be a tourist attraction, an apartment on Sderot Chen near Kikar Rabin. (Please be advised that the other person living in the apartment goes to bed around 10 PM. Parking not included.) Having been a practicing tour guide since 2:45 PM, let me assure you that I have your traveling interests in mind, ladies. I provide interesting descriptions of sites which may or may not be similar to what you might find on Wikipedia and am known for my ability to distinguish between Asians and South Americans, especially after hearing their accents.

So call now…operators are standing by!

What will we learn next about the habits of Israeli women? LET’S GO, YNET!!! BATTER UP!!!

I'm Sorry But It Must Be Done

It's time for a little self-promotion from Bahn-gee Massachusetts.

First of all, welcome Jpost visitors. Make yourself at home. Take a walk through the archives and please feel free to laugh and make comments. If I can give you one piece of advice, whatever you do, just be sure to...be sure to ....ehhhhhhhhhh............

Second, my loyal readers, swing on by Jpost.com to see the profile they've posted of me. I've been emailing with one of the editors for a little while and she invited me to fill one out. There are a good number of people who've been profiled in the past, a few of whom I actually know. Feel free to read the talkbacks as well...I'm trying to stay on the sidelines for as long as I can. Here's what I think of talkbacks, from the archives.

Do not adjust your screens. That is a freier at the bottom.

Next: I have a website. Not this blog, but a website. Check out BenjiLovitt.com to learn about my stand-up comedy. Do I really need to convince you of anything, my loyal readers? Hey, Jewish professional with budgets! What are you waiting for? Check out the Events page to learn more about, what else? Upcoming Color Me Badd shows! (G-d, I love a good Color Me Badd reference.) Next Tuesday night...Subcooch Millega in Florentine!

Lastly, I have a new and regular column in the Atlanta Jewish Times' monthly supplement. For those of you who don't know, I used to live there for four years. I've been eager to write for anyone in the States who'll have me and this was the easiest place to start. The response to this first article's been pretty good so I hope you'll like it. If any of you can pull some strings at any other publications, I'd love it!

That's all for now. Stay tuned for more shtuyot. And thanks for stopping by.

This is Why I'm Going to Ulpan?

So I started a new job yesterday, my loyal readers. I'm a content writer for an online marketing firm and that's all I'm gonna say for now.

Some of you in the place called chul might be asking yourself, "Self? How does an oleh chadash struggling with Hebrew manage to get by working in another country's office environment?"

Well, I'll tell you. You speak English. Whoever said that the international language is love was listening to too much Chicago. (Why was every one of their songs about getting dumped? For the love of G-d, I like "Greatest Hits 1982-1989" as much as the next '80s child but how depressing are those songs???) The official language of my company is English which means that emails, meetings, internal communications are conducted officially in English.

Israel's official language is Hebrew. Except for on t-shirts.

If I didn't get the memo, I figured it out my first day. My boss sent me an email with some information. I hit reply and tried to write "תודה (thank you)." Only one problem: there's no Hebrew font installed on my computer.

Please tune in this Wednesday at 9 AM to see Eliezer Ben-Yehudah and Theodore Herzl engaged in a grave-rolling competition. Ech omrim "grave-rolling competition?"

"I forced my family against their will to say made-up words and in 100 years,
they speak what??? Mrs. Ben-Yehudah's gonna kill me!!!"

Who Wants to Spank a Tree?

I feel like the story of Tu B'shvat was started as some kind of a practical joke and then continued over the years (why does this sound familiar?...Tom Cruise (cough)). The birthday...of the trees? Are we supposed to sing to them?

When I got to work today, I was greeted by a nice spread of all kinds of fruits and nuts. That's pretty amazing...don't remember it happening in the States. I seriously couldn't identify a lot of them. There was a long orange thing that wasn't a carrot...papaya apparently. Who can recognize a fig? I couldn't. Hard to make out all of them but there they are, on my plate. Chag sameach, everyone.
What happens when the tree turns 21? Do you pour a bottle of beer on it?

THIS IS WAR, YOU BASTARDS

Only one week ago, I wrote about the tendency for people to mispronounce my name here. Apparently "the gods" did not look favorably on this post and have decided to wage all-out war on me.

I got my first tlush maskoret (salary statement) last week from work. Here's part of it.


Don't see anything fishy? Let's take a closer look at the employee's name, shall we?Are you freaking kidding me? Forget the fact they spelled my last name wrong. Americans, I'll help you out. In case you can't tell the difference between בנג'י and בנגיי, one is a nickname for Benjamin and the other targets deep, penetrating heat right at the source of your pain so you can get the relief you need.

This analgesic heat rub is sold by Johnson & Johnson and currently
holds down a job in Herzliya Pituach.

This is the biggest professional slap since this incident described to my friends 8 years ago.

Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 10:33:39
From: "Benjamin Lovitt"
Subject: Reason number 832 why I hate my job: the X-Mas bonus
To:

Dear Bosses,
Very funny, you bastards. Like I really need a $35 gift certificate to the Honey Baked Ham store for X-Mas. That's going to do my Jewish ass a lot of good.

When we do the gift swap at the company party and you get a box of matza from me, you'll know why.

Benji

I guess it could be worse. I could be this guy.

"Roads? Where We're Going, We Don't Need...Roads"

Get ready, my loyal readers-we'll be hitting the proverbial 88 miles per hour soon enough. Big changes coming to this War Zone shortly.

First thing I should tell you is - Mom, you can just ignore this part if it stresses you out - that I just installed a Feedburner widget on this site. From this point on, those of you who read this via RSS should use the following address: http://feeds.feedburner.com/WhatWarZone

"1.21 gigashekels!"
"What the hell is a gigashekel?"
Greatest movie I had ever seen when 1985 came along.

At some point in the future, I'll change....arrrrgh, I just talked to my genius friend Jonah who explained this to me, and like Negev sand in my palm, the lingo has all slipped away.

Ok, Web 2.0 geniuses, you know what to do. Start using that URL or click on the new icon on the right because the current one may not work once I make "the big switch" (whatever that means.)

In other news, I went to the launch party for Israel21c.org's new website tonight. Hey, friends of mine, is the new one "open for business" yet? Man, I'm just breaking down here at 12:56 in the morning.

It's interesting when you watch the blogosphere come alive. I saw Liza from Something Something, Stephanie from Stefanella's Drive-Thru, and met Harry of The View From Here who I'd exchanged emails with in the past. To top it off, I even became Facebook friends with Aussie Dave just an hour ago. Ok, I think that's all my shout-outs. Shabbat shalom.