Benji Massachusetts Travel Announces New Trips to Sderot!

Here's a recent Ynet column which I found to be a must-read. The author describes what the Kassams have done to....ummmm...."intimacy" in Sderot.

Sderot is not Tel Aviv. Here you will not find pick-up bars or crowded pubs, and it is not easy to find a partner for a one-night stand. Usually, I have been told, relationships here develop slowly and surely, and only the crackling rocket alert loudspeaker serves to accelerate the process. Indeed, the Qassam rockets are an effective and active matchmaker.

Who wants to be alone when rockets are landing around here? At times of distress, we all need an embrace, a shoulder to cry on, a warm chest, and a comforting and protective body: I don’t want to stay alone tonight, so stay with me - simple words that connect people and arouse hidden desires.

In order to support the economy of our barraged Negev town, it is with great excitement that the Benji Massachusetts Travel Agency announces its new vacation package to Sderot. This package is open to singles only and will begin with a "mifgash" component through which Tel Aviv residents will be paired up with singles of Sderot. The mifgash will take participants to a local winery to enjoy delicious Israeli wines. (In the absence of local wineries, participants will proceed directly to the hosts' residence to discuss current events, take part in social activism, and get drunk.) This is the "home hospitality" portion of the trip, designed to strengthen connections between the two cities, or whatever.

First and last stop on the tour: Motel Shesh.
I hope they serve V-Shmoneh.

The bus will leave immediately after the completion of the hospitality component, no later than 4 AM, due to our very important meeting in the morning.

To any Israelis who have not yet been to Sderot, I highly encourage you to go and there's no better way than on an organized tour.

Benji Massachusetts Travel: Connecting People

Abu Lovitt is Concerned

After talking about it for months, I finally got around to installing Google AdSense on this blog. According to their terms and conditions, I CANNOT encourage people to click on the ads or they will kick me to the internet curb. Let me be clear: I am NOT doing that!

(GOOGLE KNOWS EVERYTHING PEOPLE; don't screw with them. Yes, I'm totally scared of them.)*

That said, I was all eager to see what ads it chose to display first, based on the content I write about. Here's the first one I saw:

"2008: God's Final Witness: Unprecedented destruction will come in 2008, leading to America's fall."

Google, I don't know how to tell you this but I AM NOT A MEMBER OF AL-QAEDA! No matter what this ad thinks.

Thanks, Danny, for helping me figure it out! Although we currently have a big space at the bottom of the page...working on it...

*I am still surprised I didn't get blacklisted for this post. Or this one.

BREAKING NEWS: Hamas taken over by 7 year-old

How else to explain this article?

After the siege imposed on the Gaza Strip and the targeted killings, the
Palestinian organizations have found a new reason for firing Qassam rockets
on southern Israel: Cartoons published in Denmark denouncing Prophet
Muhammad.

Um…can you repeat that?

The Salah al-Din Brigades, the Popular Resistance Committees' military wing,
claimed responsibility for firing the rockets. The organization's spokesman,
Muhammad Abed al-Aal, told Ynet that the firing operation, dubbed "the lines
of fire", was a response to the "crimes of the Israeli occupation against
the Palestinians," but also "in response to the cartoons published in
Denmark degrading the memory of Prophet Muhammad.

Is that how it works? In that case, in response to the Tel Aviv municipality not giving me my arnona discount, I plan to strap arsim to short-range missiles and launch them at population centers in Gaza City. (I apologize in advance for the disproportionate response.)

"He started it!"

Asked why the residents of Sderot and the Negev should pay the price for
cartoons published in Denmark, Abed al-Aal responded, "The Jews have also hurt
Islam and have also hurt the Koran in their prisons, as part of the plot to harm
Islam and the memory and status of Prophet Muhammad.

Abed al-Aal added that the State of Israel looked at him funny.

Isn’t there a statute of limitations on misguided revenge? These cartoons are almost 2.5 years old! You didn’t see me kicking the dog this morning just because I got picked last in kickball in 3rd grade. On second thought, I propose that Israel nuke Miami Beach in response to the pogroms.

In an off-the record comment, al-Aal added that he also blamed it on the rain that was falling falling in addition to the stars that did shine at night.

The Palestinian leadership explaining their logic.

(Hat tip: Talia)

A Review of "Tomorrow's Pioneers": Two Bombs Down

Hello, my loyal readers, we're back. I saw that the writers strike in the States has come to an end. And thank goodness for that because there is some real junk on TV right now. Take the newest season of "Tomorrow's Pioneers", broadcast on Hamas television.

Remember that show? Farfur? Nahoul? It's back, this time with a Bugs Bunny look-alike named Assud who pledges to "eat Jews."

Yikes. We Jews have enough on our proverbial plates as it stands: genocide, taking over the world...who wants to be dinner? (I must admit however, I taste divine with a honey mustard vinaigrette.)

Here are my thoughts on “Tomorrow’s Pioneers”:

• Was this made by a 3rd grader? The production is terrible. It’s 2008…have these people seen “Shrek”? Gimme some CGI…morphing…HD…something! Costumes….terrible. Soundtrack…lame. Somebody should lose their job over this.

• A couple of dudes start giving CPR to the bee but they’re not using quick breaths. Didn’t you learn this stuff at your terrorist camp? I sure as heck learned it at my summer camp. I hated the swimming lessons but I guess it paid off. Next time I have to resuscitate a 200 pound bee, you can be sure I’ll know how to do it.

• The acting is horrendous. Who’s the fat dude with the beard just sitting there with his back to the camera? Yeah, he looks concerned. This is the most unemotional death scene I’ve seen since Susan licked the toxic envelopes.

• We meet Saraa, the narrator. Saraa…baby…it’s 2008. You gotta spunk it up a little. That’s what girls like in their role models. Hannah Montana, Spice Girls…show some cleavage. (Ech omrim “cleavage” in Arabic? Ech omrim “ech omrim” in Arabic?)

You don't see Hannah eating Jews, do you?
If she did, would they go straight to her tush?

• I just saw Winnie the Pooh in the background. In Hamas, it’s translated as “Winnie the Shaheed.”

• For those of you who don’t know the Gaza dialet of Arabic, I will translate the scrolling text at the bottom. “In the GBA, the Rafah Blue Bombers defeated the Khan Yunis Suicide Devils 101-89. For breaking 100, all Jenin fans with a ticket stub can receive one free shawarma at Ahmed’s After Dark.”

• Ok, now it’s getting good. We meet the rabbit, Assud. Um...why is he calling the human “father”? What the hell is going on here? Assud, about the wrap-around whiskers…you can get that waxed you know. I’m just saying.

Ech omrim "metrosexual" in rabbit?

• Olim, to get your key of return, please call Nefesh B’Nefesh. If you don’t stay three years, you must return it.

• The interview: apparently they used the old Pee-Wee's Playhouse studio? And what’s the reward for Assud killing himself, 72 carrots? Ehhh....what’s up, Doc(tor Rantissi)?

• Ok, he was raised by a human, he's called "lion”, he’s a bigot…dude, this rabbit has a serious identity crisis. Forget the Anti-Defamation League. WHERE IS PETA IN ALL THIS???

In conclusion, this show sucks. Welcome back, writers-we missed you.

For more on "Tomorrow's Pioneers": http://www.whatwarzone.com/2007/07/milk-honey-and-anti-semitic-bees-that.html

(Thanks, Mort, for the heads up.)

Business in the Middle East (I Just Made Myself Laugh)

Businesses today face many challenges to keep up in the ever-changing world. Customers have many choices of whom to align themselves with. There's simply no time to fall behind.

That's where we at Deloitte & Touche Gaza Strip can help.


We know what it takes to build nimble, powerful alliances between warring terrorist factions. We can take your bomb factory and bring them into the 21st century (and to heaven.) We recognize the frustrations of a corrupt leadership and and will help you leverage your lawlessness with synergy in this Web 2.0 world.

Whether you want to re-engineer your bombs, create performance-based initiatives (and Kassams), or adapt enterprise-wide incitement, at the end of the day, we have the answers.

Deloitte & Touche Gaza Strip: The Power of Collaborative Innovation. And Bombs.

(Are they going to make me take this down? C'mon, D&T, it's funny. And the Google Alert is going off in 3...2...1...)

New Years in the War Zone

Well, my loyal readers, another year has come and gone. Here in the War Zone, we thank our lucky stars that we have made it another year. Here is a picture from a bomb shelter as the clock struck 12 on 2007.
The two women are enemy combatants holding me hostage. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THEIR SMILES!!!!

Happy New Year to all!

(Reuters, AP, whatever) EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS FROM THE WAR ZONE!!!

Well, my loyal readers, another year of survival in the war zone. With each passing day, I thank my lucky stars that I have been fortunate to avoid flying mortars. To reinforce to everyone watching CNN what a horrible place it is here, I decided to leak some recent photos which were taken with a high level of security clearance.

This is me using a krav maga takedown to defeat an enemy soldierette in hand-to-hand combat. Remember, there are no rules in war.

In this photo, I'm checking the heartrate of another enemy combatant after capturing him in battle. (We're Jews, people. We still have a moral obligation for the health of POWs.)

Here, I'm replenishing my body's lost vitamins with a burst of electrolytes. Although you can't see it in this picture, I just crawled across the Lebanon border.

This photo, along with the others, may or may not have been taken on my birthday. Obviously, each passing day of survival calls for a celebration.

More updates:
Matkot in the war zone!
Shopping in the war zone!
Partying in the war zone!
And even more partying...

No Wonder Some People are Afraid to Come

As we all know too well from following the news, things have once again been heating up in the Middle East. There is a real danger these days which shows no signs of abating at least for a few months. That’s right…it’s matkot season.


Matkot, according to Wikipedia, “or beach paddleball, is a popular traditionally non-competitive game in Israel, sometimes called Israel's unofficial national sport.” It is played with two players who attempt to hit the ball back and forth as many times as humanly possible, creating a high-risk environment where beachgoers can enjoy the possibility of being hit in the head by a ball flying at Mach-2. The object of the game is somewhat unclear. While matkot advocates claim that it is a leisure sport, like frisbee, involuntary spectators have found more accurate comparisons to games such as Chinese water torture and banging your skull against the wall.

The Muslim fundamentalists have their terrorism summer camps. Israeli children have matkot. So sad to see another lost generation of youth.

I urge you, my loyal readers, to kickstart a hasbara (advocacy) campaign and alert the world to the matkot wars being waged on the Mediterranean. How long will we sit back and watch innocent beachgoers live in fear of flying matkot balls??? ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Ok, readers, what other safe games can we suggest to make the beach fun for all?

Here are a few favorites that you might find beachgoers partaking in…
1) Pee in the sea undetected
2) Spot the American
3) Sit in the café’s beach chair without paying the roving guy 12 shekels

Let’s hear from you! MAKE THE BEACH SAFE FOR ALL!!!!!!!!!

Springtime in the War Zone...Calm in America

As the sun sets and the Sabbath queen prepares to arrive, I thank the Lord above for my safety in this war zone that is Israel. Just last week, I ran into my friend and former co-worker Lymore in Nachalat Binyamin, an artist market in Central Tel Aviv. Do not be fooled by the throngs of tank-topped pedestrians in the background, out and about enjoying the 70-degree weather. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH, MY LOYAL READERS!!! CNN NEVER LIES!!!

Soon after running into her, we jumped into the nearest bomb shelter and put on 487 gas masks between us.

Lymore and Benji, immediately before we jumped
on our camels and galloped off to safety.

(Meanwhile, back in safe America, a teacher puts clothespins on kindergarteners' mouths and someone opens fire at an Atlanta mall.)

Shabbat shalom, everybody!

Welcome to the War Zone!

Israel is a war zone. Or that's what the rest of the world would have you believe, if you watch the news. Bullets flying, rockets falling, camels blowing up... Of course we know the truth.

I finally got around to registering this new domain last weekend, www.whatwarzone.com, to celebrate the humor and good times that we have over here, especially in Tel Aviv, "the city that never sleeps". Every so often, I'll post a picture from the front lines so all those in the Diaspora who have notions about life here can see what we Israelis must go through on a daily basis.

This picture displays the horror of my platoon being down to its last Jack Daniels and Coke, seen gripped in my right hand. Thank G-d a waitress was nearby to come to my aid.

More updates from the front lines to come!

Update: Please read the comments below and feel free to add your two shekels.

Your Email is a War Zone (I Wouldn't Send My Kids There)

Israel continues to be a war zone. Just today, I risked my life eating 2 scoops of cookies and cream in sunny Tel Aviv. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END???

Thank G-d the media is here to report things accurately.

Right to left: Michal, Ziv, Tuborg, and Benji on the front lines
Tell my parents I love them.

Seriously, and sadly, does anyone even notice when horrible random violence happens in the States? Note the shootings in Utah and Philly.

Moving along, the management team at What War Zone??? is proud to announce the new appearance of a magic button on the right of this page which, when pressed with a simple mouse-click, will deliver my updates directly to your inbox. You of course have to enter your email address first but let's not get caught up in confusing techie jargon. (I'm not convinced I set it up correctly on the back end so if you don't get updates, please email me to let me know!)